While a threesome can be high on many people’s fantasy list, the fact remains that a third is a person, their feelings as well as their well-being should be addressed.
Adding a third for a threesome requires thoughtful care.
As you may be aware, threesomes are one of the most common fantasies amongst couples…Whether you have a lifestyle as “unconventional” as mine or you are simply looking to spice up your relationship, there is an etiquette to be adhered to when bringing in a third party.
Because sexuality (For some ridiculous reason) remains taboo in regular social settings, it can be difficult to uncover the unwritten rules without jumping right in. The main issue with this is, by creating a hands on, learn-as-you-go experience, the third party is oftentimes left feeling like an experimental pleasure toy.
My responsibility to my sexual partners is to ensure their pleasure is a priority, that they feel safe, heard, and respected…My job here today is to communicate with you, dear Free the Kink reader, how you can assume the same responsibility for yours.
Okay.
Before we delve into the how, one should discuss the who of the threesome.
As someone who believes in compersion…My wholehearted participation in the happiness of others (In this case, my submissive) and the people we bring into our relationship are compatible with that fantasy.
So…What Are You Looking for as a Couple?
It is important for the couple to talk about what type of person they would like to have the threesome with and what they want exactly. This will help determine which desires each of you are looking to fulfill, and the compatibilities you seek in a third.
Some great questions you and your partner should ask yourselves/each other are:
- What specific things would you love to see/do with a third involved?
- How do you see the experience unfolding?
- What things are completely off limits?
Side note: Threesomes, are not exclusive to just one type of fantasy, and can differ greatly in logistics. In today’s world, there are a myriad of ways to find a third – oftentimes known as a unicorn. There are apps such as 3Fun, 3Way, Feeld, 3Somer, or platforms that attract a diverse range of people and kinks, such as FetLife.
Hiring a sex worker to fulfill this fantasy is a viable option. In many places there are laws that govern sex work and you may have to consider your feelings about this. For some people, it may feel like the only option, and that is perfectly okay. Having a professional navigate this new territory with you can be quite reassuring, even liberating. Just remember, whether your third is a pro or not, they should receive the same courtesy, respect, and empathy as your primary partner.
Communicating with the Third
In the wise words of Emily Morse, “Communication on is lubrication.” What that means is, the more you communicate with your third about sex, the smoother (and better) the experience will be. Why? Because it eliminates incompatible partners and guesswork with those you do pursue a sexual relationship with.
I offer you a simple guide on when and how to communicate with your third, keeping in mind that every party’s voice should be heard.
Before the Threesome
*Determining likes and limits
Get to know what your unicorn likes, as well as their limits. Ask about physical abilities and triggers, and share yours. Practice active listening by acknowledging these things verbally. Ensure you have a shared definition of what each person means when they say things like “threesome” or “kinky” or “cuckqueen fantasy.” Knowing what each party is looking for will help navigate the process and keep you from awkward sexual encounters with those whom you do not vibe with.
If you have hired a sex worker, ask them their process, and what their expectations are of you (Yes, including payment!). Share any expectations you may have and allow them to express their feelings on those. Remember they are offering their time and body, so maintain professionalism and respect.
*Safety and Protection
It is always important to speak about safety, emotional and physical.
Come up with a “check-in” system that ensures enthusiastic consent throughout the experience. Many sexual health advisers suggest the “Stoplight System” as an easy form of communication during sexual experiences. Green means everything is fine and it is safe to continue. Yellow could mean slow down, be cautious, or perhaps it is time to switch things up. Red is a hard stop. This requires tailoring to best suit your situation.
If your third is a sex worker, they may have a preferred system…Let them share it with you.
I also suggest choosing a word that can be used to indicate the need for a break. My submissive and I use the word “Break” (Yep, very original) as it is clearly distinguishable between intimate sounds and expressions.
If verbal communication is going to be impeded (with a gag or during oral sex, for example) a “Safe Signal” a gesture that is tough to miss, like dropping some coins or a set of keys, is a good idea to have in place.
Keep in mind that putting such a system safeguards the physical and emotional wellbeing of each party.
Secondly, make sure you communicate and have STI and pregnancy prevention measures in place.
If you and your partner have found the perfect third, and are excited to move forward, here are a few details you should consider:
- Who will be hosting the main event? Is your third more comfortable being on their own territory?
- Do you have any activities planned beforehand – maybe a threeway dinner date?
- What is everyone’s availability and are their time restraints? For example, will you have a sleepover? Does someone have to pick up the kids in three hours or work early the next day?
- Is everyone up to speed on boundaries and expectations?
- Is this a one-time only event, or are you hoping to make it a regular thing?
- Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene!
During the Threesome
Communication during sex can feel tricky. This is where your pre-established check-in system comes in. Every so often, see how your third is doing and if they need anything. A simple, “is everyone having a good time?” or “what light are we all at?” could suffice.
Additionally, I suggest keeping spare condoms and lube close by.
Aftercare
This time is critical to ensure that the unicorn does not feel used. Whether or not the person is providing a paid service, it is important to continue the communication, ensure they had a good time, and remain open to them physically and emotionally.
Depending on the sexual experience (for example, vanilla versus BDSM), your third may require a different level of aftercare. Do not hesitate to offer compliments and appreciation, drinks and cuddles, and keep dialogue open about the experience.
If your third party is a sex worker, adhering to their post-sex protocols (if any) is critical in maintaining a professional relationship, as well as respecting their process.
The Bottom Line
Respect and empathy go a long way!
With every sexual experience is the opportunity to discover more about yourself, your partner, and the people you let into your bed. Take care of each other, behave, and have fun!
