A common misconception that causes havoc at times in the kink community is that BDSM, sex and/or love automatically must go together.
While this statement may ring true for a lot of people, it is not true for everyone. It is important not to make the assumption.
For many of us, BDSM is the richest and most satisfying (As well as the most challenging, scary, frustrating, vulnerable and demanding) when it is combined with a romantic, loving, sexy relationship. As someone who has both witnessed and have been involved scenes in the past revolving around an educational, party or private setting, I can guarantee that not every scene involves people that are in a romantic relationship, or even a potential one. Some of it is service topping/bottoming, some of it may be a pro Dom/client dynamic or some of it is just plain fun with friends. I myself enjoy it for a variety of reasons, but there is no doubt that the most powerful (And again, the most challenging, scary, frustrating, vulnerable, demanding) experience I have had with BDSM has been in intimate, ongoing, loving relationships.
“But Matthias, I don’t understand why anyone would even want to play with someone they aren’t in love with or in public, at a party or…”
I do understand where the question is coming from. It is okay if you do not get it as to why a person would but know that some of us do and some of us do not. As always, I encourage you to ask questions if you are curious, but please do not belittle someone who enjoys playing in more casual settings by labeling them as shallow, slutty, whoreish or whatever the current label is for making you feel better than them.
Let us look at it another way.
As my submissive is also a culinary chef, I will make this analogy with food: At the most basic level, our bodies need food to function. Food can also be very pleasurable, providing us with a variety of taste experiences from adventurous, to rich, to decadent, to wholesome…You get the point.
For most of us, a meal prepared with, by or for someone we love dearly and are bonded/bonding with, a meal that we set aside special time for with the intent to connect intimately…With a table set with candles…Perhaps music in the background…Conversation and deep eye gazing…Romantic words and gestures…A meal we take our time over, savoring as a shared experience with a lover or partner- that meal will not only feed our stomachs and the machine that is our skin suit, but it will feed our hearts, souls, minds as well as our connection with that beloved person.
That meal is a powerful experience.
However, there are times where we do not have time for that and we still want to eat. Sometimes we are extremely busy and we grab a protein bar as we head out the door. Sometimes you are out and about and you grab a burger. Or sometimes we just want some comfort and Mac n Cheese with a good book sounds good. Sometimes, there is no one in our lives that we are intimate with in that way, but we still want a creative, shared meal experience with someone we like…Someone who is fun or kind or interesting.
It is all food. It is all good. We need it, we like it for different reasons at different times. We might enjoy some meals more than others, some might be more on a “soul food” level, but it is quite fine if every meal is not a life changing, storybook act of communion.
If you want to swear off fast food, wonderful. Good for you. But if someone else wants to indulge in it occasionally or everyday, that is their choice. We do not know the “whys” behind their choice and it does not really matter.
Hmm…All this talk about food (The literal sense AND the in the Kink sense) has made me hungry.
Moving forward
Besides the tiresome and silly judgments we tend to have about the way others conduct their kink, love, sex and play lives, we get into trouble because, often without realizing it, we make assumptions about “how it works” all the time for everyone.
Just because engaging in a BDSM scene is foreplay the majority of the time for one couple does not mean it is automatically foreplay for another.
Furthermore…
Just because BDSM play leads to sex with a play partner, does not mean it is the beginning of a love relationship.
Like everything else we do here, we need to be mindful and lookout for our assumptions and make sure we communicate how it works for us, ask someone else how it works for them, make sure we are both on the same page or at least as clear as can be on where all parties stand in terms of expectations, needs and hard limits. While it will not keep us from ever experiencing let down or heart break, it can minimize the occurrences based on sheer misunderstanding quite a bit.
Now, gather around the fire pit, Uncle Matthias has a story to tell…
Sometime ago, I had a conversation with a person who was brand new to the BDSM community and very interested in play but not interested in sex as part of that play.
Yes, this is a thing.
The person had a few conversations with people about playing and had been told that BDSM play meant having sex too. Needless to say, the person was quite discouraged, thinking that it was not going to be an option for them to do some S/m, D/s play without having sex, which for them was a kind of sacred ground and someplace they did not go casually with just anyone.
I was able to let them know that sex was not automatically included in BDSM play and that they just needed to keep talking with people until they found someone who was willing to play without the expectation of sex.
The problem I had and still have with this whole thing was not that someone would say “Sure, I’m interested in playing with you, but you should know that for me, BDSM play includes sex or I’m not interested”.
Now, according to this person who confided in me, at least five people had basically said, “Look, if you want to do BDSM play, that means having sex. That’s just the way it is.”
This is wrong. Period.
Saying, “I only like to play with people I’m going to have sex with or with whom sex is an option” is fine. Telling someone that that’s the way it is for everyone is not.
Make sense?
If you are someone for who sex and love, or play and love, or play and sex, or all three elements need to go together, that is a damn good thing to know about yourself and to tell prospective dates or play partners. If you are a perspective play partner who knows that you are not likely to fall in love with someone and they have told you that they are quite likely to fall in love with you if you play together (or have sex or whatever), then maybe you need to proceed with caution before you play with that person. This is another area where we can look for compatibility of spirit, heart, values before we proceed into realms that might involve deeper intimacy.
We can do this with respect for our differences. It is okay if someone is a uber-slut or a playmate who can play, have sex with, and/or love a lot of people and enjoy it. However, if that is not how you work in particular, then they need to respect your own inner workings as well as theirs and approach deeper intimacies with caution or the gap in our needs and leanings is likely to cause someone pain…and not the good kind.
