First of all, what is compersion anyway?
Simply put, compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly.
For example, as I am writing this, my submissive/poly wife is getting ready for her first date with someone that she met online…And I honestly do not know who between the two of us is more excited.
So…In a sense, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.
While the road to feeling compersion can take time if you are new to non-monogamous dating, when it clicks, you will definitely feel it. Non-monogamy often comes down to having really incredible communication within your relationships…Setting awesome boundaries that you continue to talk about…And knowing one another’s limitations or triggers of jealousy…Not so that you can always avoid them per say but so you can handle your partners with love and care.
When you really find your niche in a non-monogamous relationship and realize what type of communication styles work best for you, that is when things really are able to thrive. Of course, seeing as were are but simple human beings, moments of jealousy still might come up but when you see your partner’s face glowing with excitement because of the date they just went on (Or in my case, the date that she is preparing for) you cannot help but to feel genuine happiness for them.
It is this feeling of confidence and of knowing that they are not trying to replace you or find someone “better.” The relationships are yours alone and your partner(s) having other lovers does not take away from that. In fact, you might just find that it shifts things in a new and exciting way.
The thing is, we are raised to see dating in a scarcity model. With our parents and elders using language like “She’s one of the good ones” or “Hold on to that one ‘cause he’s a keeper” or the popular, “You better find someone before all the good ones are taken”.
We are raised with this mindset that we have to find our “Better-half”, or our “Soulmate”…This paired with compulsory monogamy (The belief that we have to be a monogamous relationship for it to be considered real) makes for a dangerous combination that can introduce bitter jealousy and feelings of ownership over our partners.
Non-monogamy and people who are consciously monogamous (not out of compulsion) are breaking down this barrier. Whether you are monogamous or polyamorous, we all are going to have attractions to other people and while jealousy might be the primal gut feeling that comes up first, one would think, that more often than not, the root of the matter again comes from the model in which we were raised: To feel ownership over our partners.
However, when we learn to let go of that, we are able to realize there is no “threat” if you have solid communication with your lovers.
That is the feeling of compersion.
Which brings us to the million dollar, question…How exactly to you get to that point of confidence and comfortability in your relationships?
First of all…Let go of all your society-informed ideas about the way relationships should be.
What we consume about relationships from the media (publications, movies, TV, books, etc) is usually pretty toxic. Society does a really incredible job at upholding relationships standards that are filled with persistence, non-consensual cheating, and complete and utter fulfilment from one person. These narratives played out in real life are often hurtful to us. Let go of them and feel a huge weight lift from your heart. Go about having relationships in a way that feels amazing for you (of course, consensually and through communication). Don’t follow anyone else’s script of what your relationships should look like.
Next, remember to keep the lines of communication open. Especially about jealousy.
Talk about how you are feeling with your partners. When you start to feel jealous, welcome that energy in. Make your jealousy a cup of coffee…Talk with it and figure out the root of where it is coming from. Get comfortable in the feeling and know that jealousy is usually an unrooted fear that you need to pay attention to.
Also, ask your partners about their jealousy. Sometimes waiting for them to bring it up does not always work. Have regular check-ins where you talk about how you’re feeling. You might all be feeling incredible, or they might have something you all need to work through in the moment.
Allow the time and space to have those needed conversations.
Third, recognize that new relationship energy (NRE).
That butterfly, tingly-all-over, warm-and-fuzzy, filled with love feeling that you get at the beginning of a new relationship? That is NRE. Sometimes witnessing partners feel that energy for someone else can be challenging. Just know that you also will have (or have had) those moments with new partners. Do not get swept away by the tides of your jealousy…Allow yourself to recognize that they are feeling NRE and remember what that feeling is like and how incredible it is. Hopefully, you will slowly start to feel compersion sneak up on you when you least expected it.
Fourth, meet your partners’ other partners.
Granted that this depends on your relationships but it can be seen as healthy for poly partnerships to meet their lover’s other partners. It helps put a face and personality to the people your partner has been telling you about. Unless established beforehand, there is no rule against meeting up for coffee with your metamour‘s in order to get to know them outside of the context of your shared partner(s). You do not have to be best buds, but having a relationship where you at least know one another can be healthy. It also can help sway some of those jealous feels to compersion.
And finally, it all comes back to…
Communication.
Talk all about it…And when you think you are done talking about it, dive in a little deeper.
That is the beauty of polyamory, not only do you get to know your deepest emotions and struggles better, but you also get to share them with your partners in a vulnerable and intimate way.
