By Vayren Aram
These two words alone can invoke a myriad of images. Type those two pretty little words into the search bar of your favorite porn site and you are bound to be met with a wide (yet at the same time narrow) variety of videos and pictures. Media covering everything from sissy boys and cross dressing to degradation and humiliation. In essence, men who submit are depicted as being less than and/or whose only purpose is to be an object and something to take one’s frustrations out on (I am aware of the fact that this objectification issue is an overarching theme throughout porn as a whole not just this particular sub genre but I digress). Are there submissive males who like to participate in such things and find deep enjoyment in it? Absolutely. However, this is but a fraction of what it can mean to be a male who prefers to submit and thus should not be taken as a complete definition.
The porn industry, if we are being fair, is not entirely to blame for this misrepresentation and overall shaming of male submission. I am sure that I am not the only one who was taught when they were younger that men have a certain standard and image to uphold. “Bend to no bitch” was the motto when I was growing up, particularly amongst my friends (yeah I know, I should have picked a better crowd to hang around). It is taught very early on that submission is a sign of weakness, that a man should take orders from no one, besides their parents and boss that is. This is often doubly true when it comes to submitting to a female. This is because as many of us were taught growing up, the woman is the one who serves the man, not the other way around.
Between the vanilla upbringing and the pornagraphic representation, males who happen to have a desire to serve another can oftentimes be left with feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and loneliness simply for having these desires. Male subs who do not fit the stereotype can feel left out and unrepresented in the community. Not every submissive male is into being degraded or feeling like they are but a mere object for another’s pleasure and satisfaction. There are many male subs who have deep rooted trauma when it comes to these things and as such these activities are actually a hard limit for them. By and large the fundamental issue, in my own humble opinion, is that there is still a lack of acceptance and acknowledgement when it comes to the vast diversity of male submissive archetypes there are out there.
Submissive archetypes such as:
Service-Oriented Submissive
This type of submissive feels fulfillment through acts of service. Things such as cleaning, organizing, assisting, and supporting. In essence they find purpose in making their Dominant’s life smoother or easier. Because of this, they may often see service as a language of devotion and pride. This is stereotypically where you may commonly (but not always) see the male dressed as a maid doing house work or more normally the male being the accountant, editor, or assistant for example.
Obedient or Protocol Submissive
This kind of male sub thrives under structure, ritual, and clear rules. They enjoy the clarity of knowing expectations and fulfilling them precisely. Due to this, they are often drawn to the discipline, mindfulness, and respect embedded in formal D/s (Dominant/submissive) or M/s (Master/slave) dynamics. This is where you will see the high protocol submissives and the ones who keep a daily schedule or routine.
Sensation or Pain-Oriented Submissive
This kind of submissive focuses on physical surrender. This often involves things such as impact play, bondage, and sensory control. They often feel grounded, centered, or emotionally released through controlled intensity (such as, for example, maintenance beatings). They often use pain as a pathway to catharsis or deeper connection. These types of submissives may often be overthinkers or those that struggle with getting out of their own head due to daily life.
Devotional or Romantic Submissive
These males are motivated by deep emotional or spiritual connection. They see submission as an act of love, trust, and unity. Very often they thrive in dynamics built on intimacy, mutual vulnerability, and emotional safety. These submissives will likely see their dynamic partners as their other half, akin to the romantic relationships seen in vanilla society. They enjoy going on dates with their Dominants, pampering them similarly to how they would their girlfriend or boyfriend, sometimes even going as far as to marry them.
Psychological or Power-Oriented Submissive
These submissives are drawn to the exchange of control itself. They find satisfaction in surrendering authority, decision-making, or responsibility. Enjoyment may come from verbal control, authority dynamics, or humiliation in a consensual context. This is where you will often find sissies, pay pigs, and the like as well as those who enjoy being used as a physical object (such as a footstool or an ass tray) or a sexual object.
Care-Oriented (Nurturing) Submissive
These submissives often submit through vulnerability, emotional openness, and a desire for guidance, protection, or nurturing. They feel safest when seen, comforted, and valued for their softness. This type of submissive is often associated with the little, pet, or boy sub-archetypes. An often misunderstood archetype, they often seek out and thrive best under gentle dominance, such as that from a Mommy/Daddy Dom or a Handler.
As is common, I myself fall into more than one category in this spectrum. As far as my own submission goes, I definitely resonate with being a devotional submissive. Dynamics work best when I feel a romantic connection with my Dominant(s) and we can be there for each other through the trials as well as the triumphs in life. I want my Dominant to be someone I can confide in, and vice versa, a teammate in life.
But in addition to this, and perhaps more pivotal when it comes to my self identification, is the fact that I am also an age regressor (or in broader terms a care oriented submissive). This age regression is vital when it comes to the types of aftercare as well as discipline that works best for me and plays a crucial role in describing who I am. I suffer with a lot of mental health issues, I am diagnosed with clinical depression as well as anxiety disorder, and as such I occasionally need extra reassurance and a gentler hand than some others may need. This doesn’t mean that I look to be coddled by any stretch of the imagination, but it does mean that intense discipline (ie a raised tone, corporal punishment, ect) may not always have the intended result.
I myself do not, nor will likely ever, identify as a sissy or a femboy. I don’t do cross dressing, degradation can be triggering to me, I don’t enjoy the thought of chastity, and I absolutely positively refuse to be used se*ually due to past trauma. No shade toward those of my submissive brothers out there who do enjoy such things, they simply are not enjoyable to me.
I firmly believe there needs to be better representation out there for male submissives. I myself struggled for a long time to try to find something, anything, that spoke to the way I felt within. I watched countless hours of videos on YouTube, scoured kinky groups on Facebook, scrolled through hundreds of memes on Tumblr (back before the site banned adult content mind you), read countless articles from google searches, went down a rabbit hole on FetLife, none of it gave me the sense of belonging.
Are there amazing videos and articles about submission out there? Certainly. But they are also almost entirely speaking about female submissives. Are there memes and beautiful pictures all over places such Instagram and Facebook depicting what submission is? Definitely. But alas once again they are heavily focused on female subs. This is a big reason why I am a proponent of the idea that if you can’t find representation, you make representation.
After a while though, I began to feel like a unicorn, an outlier, a misfit, someone and something that simply did not fit. It began to look like I was destined to feel and be alone when it came to my kinkiness. To be fair, did I find other male submissives during my exploration? Oh absolutely. But then they would strike up conversations about what’s the longest I have been caged for or how far have I had my ass stretched and I would immediately start to feel like an anomaly once again.
Was there nowhere that someone like me fit? Was I destined to only live vicariously through my sisters in submission? There had to be somewhere for me to call home, and if there wasn’t, then I was determined to make a home by any means necessary. After all, I couldn’t be the only one who felt misplaced and under-represented, right?
So I dug deeper, started researching the history of the lifestyle. That was when I stumbled upon a practice that, although was becoming more and more outdated with each passing day, gave me hope. There was once a common practice that, regardless of how a person identifies, everyone started off as an s-type. This glimmer of hope, small as it may be, reenergized me in a way. I found myself feeling reinvigorated, like I had a purpose and place to belong after all. So I set off on a journey to discover this “traditional” lifestyle (or the “old guard” as I have seen it more commonly called).
This led me to the discovery of the leather lifestyle, where I found out the humble beginnings of the modern community. I studied how soldiers returning from war, after spending such a long time amongst their brothers and squad mates, found themselves with new desires and a need to maintain the same structure. I read about the hanky code and its ability to signal others of their desires as well as whether they prefer to top or bottom. This openness and ability to be one’s self, free from judgment, intrigued me.
While yes, historically, they had to hide from the vanilla community and the persecution that could result from being outed, amongst themselves there was no judgment for having whatever desires one might possess. Things like identifying as a submissive was perfectly acceptable, and often even welcomed. From this I had found a starting point for the acceptance I desired. My next step was establishing better representation for myself as well as the male submissives like me.
I quickly was resolved that if I couldn’t find proper depictions of how I felt inside then I was going to produce those depictions myself. I began writing poems, making my own memes, creating my own posts and writings (setting the groundwork for the very book I am in the process of writing now) and became an outspoken advocate for better and more accurate representation of the broader array of male subs out there.
While things are getting more and more progressive when it comes to representation of male submissives, there is still a long way to go. In my opinion there needs to be more articles written about the beauty of male submission and less about how a man submitting is a sign of something being wrong with him. There needs to be a greater understanding of what makes male submissives so unique and more of a celebration of that uniqueness. Most of all, though, there needs to be a greater acceptance of the myriad of ways male submission presents itself.
A man shouldn’t need to feel confined to a box when identifying as a male submissive. He shouldn’t have to worry about having to fit a specific stereotype or image in someone else’s head. A man shouldn’t have to be willing to have his junk locked up, subject himself to degradation, or dress in a feminine manner just to be considered a “real” male sub. He should be able to embrace who he is and be able to express that without feeling looked down upon. In essence, male submissives should be free to be themselves.
I have faith that we as an ever evolving community can find a way to be more inclusive, particularly when it comes to male submission. I know that we can slowly but surely start to broaden the definition and break the stereotype when it comes to what it means to be a male submissive. It is going to take some effort and it probably won’t be easy. But one day, hopefully soon, being a male sub won’t be such a rare and underappreciated thing
