The Ultimate Balancing Act
When it comes to relationships, deciphering what you need versus what you want can feel like a tug of war between your inner toddler and your adult self. On one hand, you might think, “I need my partner to bring me breakfast in bed every Sunday.” But do you really need that? Or do you just want to feel pampered, which, let’s be honest, could also be achieved with a hot coffee and a compliment? Let’s break it down and add some humor to this journey of self discovery because nothing says “I’m learning about myself” like laughing along the way.
Needs (The Non Negotiable’s)
Let’s start with the essentials. Your needs in a relationship are the foundational elements that keep it from crumbling faster than a cookie under pressure. These are the things that, if missing, make the relationship unsustainable. Think of needs as the relationship equivalent to air, water, and Wi-Fi. You simply cannot function without them. And for many, needs may change over time as we learn more about ourselves. I know my needs have changed over the last 20 years.
Some common relationship needs might include
Trust (because who can handle a relationship built on paranoia? Not you.)
Respect (you’re not a doormat, so why let someone treat you like one?)
Communication (because guesswork is for guessing games, not love.)
Emotional support (having someone who’s got your back when you’re feeling like life’s punching bag.)
If any of these are consistently absent, it’s not just a “want” unfulfilled, it’s a deep need that’s being ignored. Without meeting these needs, your relationship will start to resemble a house built on sand, ready to collapse at the first sign of a storm. And when that house goes down, it’s not going to be pretty.
Wants (The Icing on the Cake)
Wants, on the other hand, are the nice to haves, the things that would make the relationship sparkle like a perfectly wrapped gift but without them, it won’t unravel. Think of wants as the Netflix subscription of your relationship, nice to have but not essential for survival.
Some wants might include
A partner who can cook like Gordon Ramsay. (Yes, please, but takeout exists.)
Weekend getaways to exotic destinations. (Wouldn’t hurt but your couch and Netflix can provide just as much relaxation.)
Someone who texts back within 0.3 seconds. (It’s nice for the ego, but they could just be doing real life stuff like driving or saving a kitten from a tree.)
Wants add flavor and excitement to the relationship, but here’s the kicker, you won’t always get what you want. And that’s okay. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “If I don’t get this, can I still be happy in this relationship?” If the answer is yes, then congratulations! You’ve identified a want.
Navigating the Not Getting What You Want Scenario
Now let’s dive into what happens when you don’t get what you want. In relationships, it’s like ordering a fancy meal and receiving a side salad instead. Disappointing? Sure. Worth ending things over? Probably not.
When faced with unmet wants, ask yourself,
Is this truly important? (Will the lack of breakfast in bed make or break my happiness?)
Can I compromise? (Maybe we settle for breakfast on the couch.)
Is it worth a conversation? (Some wants are worth communicating about if they affect your overall satisfaction, but don’t approach it like you’re starting a war over an unwashed dish.)
Relationships are about compromise. So, if your partner isn’t giving you every little thing you desire, it doesn’t mean they’re failing you. It just means you’re both humans, not relationship robots programmed to serve up perfection 24/7.
The Tricky Part, When Needs Aren’t Met
If your relationship isn’t meeting your core needs, then you’ve got a bigger issue on your hands than just missing out on your morning cappuccino. Needs are non negotiable, and if your partner consistently disregards them, it’s time to have a serious chat or reconsider if this relationship is serving your well being.
Here’s the key: never compromise on your needs. It’s like deciding to live without oxygen m, you can survive for a bit, but it won’t end well.
If you’re feeling unsupported, disrespected, or like communication is pulling teeth, it’s worth addressing head on. Don’t wait until you’re two years in, arguing about why they didn’t text you back when the root problem is something deeper. This is so important because you can share and communicate a need a million times but if your partner can’t handle it or won’t handle it, then it may be time to consider things further. Be clear, be direct and for the love of all things holy, be open to listening when your partner shares their needs, too. Some people would rather stick their head in the sand than deal with tough situations no matter what you do.
How to Decipher Needs vs. Wants
Here’s a little exercise for when you’re trying to determine if something is a need or a want:
Ask yourself: “If I don’t get this, can I function happily in this relationship?”
• If the answer is “no,” it’s probably a need.
• If the answer is “yes, but I’ll be a little cranky,” it’s likely a want.
Visualize the worst case scenario. Will not getting what you want lead to the relationship’s downfall, or will you both find a way to laugh about it later? If you can imagine the two of you chuckling over it down the road, it’s likely a want.
Be honest…
Sometimes we think something is a need because we’re upset in the moment. But if you take a deep breath and reflect, you might realize you can do without it (even if that “it” is your partner forgetting your birthday again).
You Can’t Always Get What You Want, But You Do Deserve What You Need
The Rolling Stones had it right, you can’t always get what you want. But in relationships, if you try sometimes, you find… you do get what you need. The trick is being honest with yourself, your partner, and learning to distinguish between the two.
Also it is really important to remember that our needs may change over time. This can lead to unfortunate situations but must be dealt with.
So next time you’re feeling unfulfilled, take a moment to ask yourself, “Is this something I need for my happiness and well being, or is it just a fleeting want?” With a little introspection and some humor along the way you can navigate the delicate balance between needs and wants like a pro. And hey, if all else fails, there’s always takeout.
