Identifying as kinky, or just being interested in learning more about kink, is an entirely personal and individualized experience.
However,
Do not think that to belong to kink groups or to visit kinky spaces you must qualify as “Kinky Enough”.
Whether you have twenty years of kink experience or just decided twenty minutes ago that you wanted to explore kink, you may have noticed something a bit concerning…
Kink often has an issue with elitism.
In the kink community, there is often a sense of hierarchy: What kinks are the “best” kinks…Who is the fairest, uh, kinkiest of them all and so forth.
We as a community, seem to praise those who are the most dedicated to a 24/7 lifestyle and those who can participate in the most extreme acts. Yet, kink is not and should not be, a competition.
Let me repeat that…
Kink is not and should not be, a competition.
This conversation is especially important for those just entering the kink community. See…Without foundational knowledge, they can be easy prey for people who will manipulate and pressure them for their own agenda.
So…Why Did Kink Become Hierarchical?
Hmm…That is a good question.
One may surmise that because most kinky interactions involve some sort of power exchange role-play, the power dynamics can easily navigate beyond a single scene or interaction into relationships and broader communities. This is not inherently a good or bad phenomenon, though it can be instituted and enacted in better or worse ways. Some hierarchies happen intentionally while some do not…Ideally, thought and practice are put into an intentional hierarchy to make sure it is desired and consented to by all parties prior to establishing it.
With that said…What Can the Kink Community Do to Change This?
In other words, because we are socialized to see specific identities, presentations, and titles as better or worse than one another, this bleeds over into kink expressions and culture. To change this, we must first examine why we think of certain acts of desires as ideal and others as “less than.”
You may have heard the phrase in the kink community: “Don’t yuck my yum.” i.e. do not put down something (usually a kink) that brings me pleasure, even if you do not do it, we will not do it (NMK) or if you tried it (and hated it).
Kink is a place where shame should be left at the door…This is particularly true for those entering kinky spaces for the first time. For those of you who are experiencing this, please allow me to share the same advice that my mentors offered me many, many moons ago…
Before engaging in any kinky interaction, it is highly important to remember that there is absolutely no obligation to participate in any regard before there is the desire to do so. It is also a good idea to have a plan for how to avoid the inevitable…That person who attends group spaces and acts coercively to push limits, which depends on the person’s internal and external resources in the moment. Going with a friend or a date is a good approach. If you are going alone, it is perfectly okay to completely ignore the person and walk away if that feels best in the moment. You have the right to say that you are not interested at the moment and that you will let the person know if you change your mind. If someone is acting in a pushy manner at a kink event, it is not necessary to follow any sort of protocol, because protocol is something that should be consented to before followed…
Group spaces typically contain a high percentage of extroverts and exhibitionists…It is a good idea to remember this and remember that everyone has different intra- and interpersonal boundaries. The best way to understand and maintain interpersonal boundaries is to understand and talk to a trusted friend or partner about intrapersonal boundaries before exploring with others.
Your Kink Is Personal
Identifying as kinky, or just being interested in learning more about kink is an entirely personal and individualized experience. Do not think that in order to belong to kink groups or to visit kinky spaces you have to qualify as “kinky enough.”
There is no reason whatsoever to feel that you need to focus on “Keeping Up with the Joneses” (Comparison to one’s neighbor, or in this case, a “established” kinkster as a benchmark for social class) as my ancestors would say.
Research, discuss, and experiment with what feels right in your body, mind, and spirit. At the same token, do not look down on kinks that you find weird or unappealing…As long as they are consensual.
Make a commitment to taking the hierarchy out of kink and making the community one of love and acceptance.
