Most partners engaging in BDSM for the first time do have challenges trying to plan on how they want the whole session to go.
Indeed, planning such scenes can be quite personal, however, the guidelines below to help you plan better.
-Create your goals
You will have to decide on your expectations and the roles of each partner, as well as what you would like to achieve in the end. Once these are known, you can work on the activities that will come in between, and reasons why they must happen. You can get some useful tips by watching porn, reading erotica or even gleam some ideas from various Free the Kink entries. What is important here is that you are both clear on whether you are restricting the session to a specific action or taking it all.
-Integrate your goals in designing a scene (Get consent)
After you have figure out your goals, there is a need to check the actions which each person will give their permission to, the desired intensity level of individuals, the pleasant feelings as well as the scene spoilers and the kind of sexual and physical contacts you both find comfortable. Also, at this stage, you should discuss the limits and the actions you would not like to perform in some specific scenes. It is best that you are serious with this part of the planning, so that you will not end up missing out the vital information that your partner should know. And since they are not aware, they may engage in such and get you hurt badly.
Moving forward, below are some of the usual limits:
- Transmission of disease via unsafe sex
- A feeling of humiliation or unworthiness
- Presence/absence and types of physical marks
- Actions that can trigger your previous traumatic memories
- Blood
- Feelings of excessive exposure or claustrophobic feelings.
- Piss or shit – also known as Golden shower, scat, or water sports
- Unsafe feelings or the fear of your partner
- Specific kind of pains; pains in particular places or intensity of pain.
As this should not be looked at as a race, take your time to think about a feeling that makes you feel uncomfortable, and inform your partner of the same.
You must both be in the know of such, so that in the end one of you will not come up with an action that might provoke the other and claim that the partner did not say it was their limit.
In other words, think and talk about all your boundaries.
-Be slow and steady
Like I said earlier,this is not a race. Do not rush actions…It is inadvisable to start with 100 heavy strokes if you have never been tied to be flogged before. You can begin with ten strokes to have an idea of how it feels. You are free to do more if it feels good.
-Communicate with your partner
You have to communicate clearly, for everyone’s safety. Communication, communication, and yes, even more communication is essential to ensure that your partner agrees to all the actions.
Endeavor to have a verbal and non-verbal way of indicating stress. Verbal approaches involve using ordinary language such as “it’s enough” or the use of safe-words (which you should have discussed earlier). It is better to use words that are simple and can be easily remembered, such as “Red,” and the use of casual words which means distress like “no,” “wait,” or “stop” if you are engaging in the act as a beginner.
As for the non-verbal signs, some of the most common signals are:
- Dropping an object
- Noise making by tapping a button
- Snapping fingers
- Grunting
It is crucial to have non-verbal signals, especially in a situation where your partner won’t be able to speak audibly when you use loud music or gag.
In addition to communication, body language is also important. You have to tell your partner how you behave when in distress. Behaviors such as flopping, shaking, crying, or tensing up are some of the common signs of trouble and should be watched out for in a situation where a submissive gets excessively upset to talk openly.
Ensure that you check in on your partner to make sure that he/she is okay in such situations. Checking in is crucial so that you can be on the same page with your partner.
Likewise, having a mutually understood body language that indicates distress or panic is also great. There should be safe words to check on your partner when you feel that their body language is indicating that they are not okay.
You can use easy statements like “are you alright” to check on your partner; however, you can also use name of colors such as Red (meaning to stop all events), Yellow (that is you are on the limit), or green (everything is fine) if you do not want to spoil the fun. The use of a scale of 1-10 can also be used to rate feelings’ intensity between you and your partner. This, however, will require a pre-conceived maximum limit, set by a number from 1-10. You can have your partner participate actively in specific parts of the scene. For instance, having them repeat after you, getting those toys, or demanding them to answer questions in the course of the session. All these interactions, when done properly, will ensure that you both get the best mental and sensual feeling out of the session.
-Discuss basic health information
Make no mistake…You must talk about health details such as limits of sexual contacts, or if anyone of you has health challenges that can influence the scene.
It is necessary to inform your partner if you are in a bad mood or had a tedious day, because the state of your mood will play a massive part in how you play.
Reveal any aftercare that you will need to remain physically and mentally okay after the play some people do need a talk, cuddle, or snack afterward.
While long-term and experienced partners might not necessarily have to discuss every time they want to play, it is best advised to review these discussions. For instance, you can gain a lot by concentrating on your most favorite activities, and present state of comfort for partners that already know each other well enough.
Do have a wonderful and of course pleasurable moment in your next BDSM Session!
