Sensibly Social: Etiquette in BDSM and Kink Events

They were nervous about what to expect. They went through several different outfits. They came up with codes and signals to use. Finally, the time arrived and they were on their way. They were silent during the drive. When they walked in, they were greeted and led towards a small room. A kind older lady gave them paperwork to sign. She read through it with them. As they finished up, they heard music through the walls. As they left the room they walked past others who were waiting. As they got closer, the music got louder. And then there OTHER sounds…cracking, thuds, rattling. And the unmistakable sound of agony and ecstasy. They were brought crashing back to the moment when they heard, LOUDLY, “This is some wild shit! People are so weird!” It sucked the air out of the entire room.

Heyyyy, y’all!!! In the world of BDSM and kink, events such as munches, play parties, workshops, and conventions provide a vital space for like-minded individuals to connect, learn, and explore their interests and desires. These gatherings are unique environments with their own set of social norms and expectations, often differing significantly from mainstream events. Understanding and adhering to the etiquette of these spaces is essential for creating a safe, respectful, and enjoyable experience for everyone involved. Let’s talk about Event Etiquette for a bit.

“What makes etiquette so important?” Etiquette in BDSM and kink events serves multiple purposes:

1. Etiquette fosters a safe and consensual environment, where participants can explore their interests without fear of judgment or harm.
2. Etiquette maintains the community’s reputation and helps newcomers feel welcome and supported.
3. Etiquette ensures that the event runs smoothly, respecting the boundaries and expectations of all attendees.

“What’s the Cornerstone of BDSM/kink Etiquette?” Consent is the foundational principle of all BDSM and kink activities. This extends to behavior at events. Whether you are attending a casual munch or a high-protocol play party, understanding and respecting consent is paramount. Some tips to remember are:

1. Always Ask Before Touching. In ANY BDSM/kink space, touching someone or their belongings without explicit permission is a serious breach of etiquette. This includes not only physical contact but also touching tools, toys, or equipment that belongs to others. Always ask before initiating any form of contact.
2. Negotiate Scenes Carefully. If you plan to engage in play at an event, thorough negotiation is crucial. Discuss boundaries, limits, safe words, and aftercare expectations beforehand. Even in casual settings, assumptions should never be made about what is acceptable.
3. Observe and Respect Boundaries. Everyone has different comfort levels, and it’s essential to recognize and respect these. This includes respecting the privacy of others, particularly when it comes to watching scenes. If someone indicates that they do not want to be observed, that boundary must be honored.

“How about socializing? What are the rules for that?” Social interactions in BDSM and kink events often differ from mainstream settings. Effective communication, honesty, trust, and mutual respect are key to ensuring positive experiences.

1. Introduce Yourself Appropriately. When meeting someone new, particularly a Dominant or anyone with a title, it’s important to be respectful. Use proper titles (e.g., Sir, Mistress) if applicable, and introduce yourself politely. If unsure, simply ask how they prefer to be addressed.
2. Avoid Making Assumptions. It’s easy to make assumptions based on appearances, roles, or dynamics, but this can lead to misunderstandings. Don’t assume someone’s role, preferences, or relationship status based on what you see. When in doubt, ask politely or refrain from commenting altogether.
3. Be Mindful of Public and Private Dynamics. Many BDSM and kink events occur in public or semi-public spaces, where different dynamics are at play. For instance, someone who is submissive in one context may not be in another. Respect the fluidity of roles and avoid imposing your own expectations on others.

“Okay, got it…be careful when socializing. But what about at Play Parties/Events?” Play parties are a common feature in the BDSM and kink community, offering a space for participants to engage in scenes and activities. These events typically have their own rules and guidelines, which must be strictly followed. Some of these are:

1. Follow the Dress Code. Many play parties have specific dress codes, ranging from casual to fetish wear. Adhering to the dress code shows respect for the event and its organizers.
2. Understand the Rules of the Space. Before participating in a play party, familiarize yourself with the rules. These can include guidelines on photography, alcohol consumption, and the types of activities allowed. Breaking the rules not only disrupts the event but can also lead to being asked to leave.
3. Respect Scene Space. When watching a scene, maintain a respectful distance and avoid interrupting or becoming a distraction. If a scene is particularly intense, it’s polite to give participants space and not intrude unless assistance is requested.
4. Discretion is Key. What happens at a play party stays at the play party! Respect the privacy of others by not discussing or sharing details of what you saw without explicit permission. EVERRRRR.

“Are newbs welcome, or should we expect pushback?” BDSM and kink events can be intimidating for newcomers. It’s important for seasoned participants to help create a welcoming environment.

1. Be Approachable and Friendly. Newcomers may feel nervous or out of place. Offering a warm welcome, answering questions, or simply being open to conversation can make a big difference in their experience.
2. Avoid Gatekeeping. Everyone’s journey in Our Thing is personal and unique. Avoid gatekeeping behavior that suggests there is a “right” or “wrong” way to be part of the community. Encourage learning and exploration instead.
3. Mentorship and Guidance. If you’re an experienced participant, consider offering mentorship or guidance to those who are new. This could involve explaining event etiquette, introducing them to others, or helping them navigate their first play party.

*BOTTOM LINE…Event Etiquette in Our Thing is about more than just following rules; it’s about fostering a culture of respect, consent, and inclusivity. By adhering to these social norms, participants help create spaces where everyone can explore their interests safely and enjoyably. Whether you’re a newcomer or a seasoned veteran, understanding and practicing proper etiquette ensures that BDSM and kink events remain vibrant, respectful, and supportive environments for all.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess