There are guides and mentors in every area of life and situation. In BDSM
it is oftentimes recommended that those who are new to BDSM acquire a
mentor but are really never given the tools to find a mentor that is right
for them. I know that when I first started out, I was quite fortunate to
find good people to be around with but I have also heard of the horror
stories from colleagues and my own mentors where their experiences with not so great people that left them with a bitter taste.
What I want to touch base on this time around is how does one go about
finding a mentor that is right for you.
First off, a mentor is not just some friend that you can talk to…Although
they could start out that way. A mentor is someone that you can get advice
from, learn from and feel close to in your BDSM role. They exist to help
you learn not only who you are and what to expect in different lifestyle
situations you may encounter as you grow in confidence with said role.
Furthermore…
YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE AN INTIMATE, PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MENTOR.
Read that part again.
Moving forward.
Look at it from a real world example: Big Brothers and Big Sisters. These
volunteers are mentors for the needy all over the nation. They become
friends and confidants for those involved and some go on to be close to
their little brothers/sisters well into adult hood.
They strengthen the person’s confidence and provide them an outlet to learn and grow without the stress of parents influence. It is healthy and
beneficial for both parties.
A BDSM mentor should be similar.
So…Is your potential mentor’s beliefs and definitions on par with yours?
You want to find a mentor that has the same definitions of common terms in BDSM. If they feel that a submissive and a slave are the same thing, and
you do not, then they will not be compatible with you when you bring up
topics along that thread of thought.
Not to beat a dead submissive (Damn, that went dark) but your first few
conversations should be treated as an interview. Ask them how they came
into BDSM, what they think about safewords and relationships and those all
important personal terms. If they mesh well with what you think then keep
going, then this person could be a good mentor for you.
If you are so new that you do not know what those personal definitions mean
for you, then I would suggest that you take on what is known as an open
mentor. This is someone that is available for new people to learn for
themselves and helps guide you into your own definitions so that you can
find a more targeted mentor later on if you choose to. I have been an open
mentor on numerous occasions and enjoy helping those who are serious about finding oneself before they key into the specifics of their new life in the BDSM world. I have also done focused mentoring, but I do prefer that your personal beliefs and definitions are solidified first.
Are they open in letting you talk or do they tend to force a lot of
questions on you?
A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can
not only think things through but also talk about what you want to talk
about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you
think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to
you, the mentee, not the mentor.
You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.
Are they open in letting you talk or do they tend to force a lot of
questions on you?
A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can
not only think things through but also talk about what you want to talk
about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you
think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to
you, the mentee, not the mentor.
You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.
Furthermore,
When you first meet someone or talk to someone that is considering being
your mentor, are they professional in manner? You should feel comfortable
around them relatively easily and feel free to talk about whatever is on
your mind. If you feel uncomfortable or their questions are far more
private than your relationship allows, this can be seen as a warning sign
that they are not the mentor for you.
A mentor’s job is to make a novice comfortable with what they are
experiencing and who they are, if that can not happen in the interview
phase it may not happen at all.
Finally, and perhaps the most important part…
Does the potential mentor appear to know what they are talking about?
Mentors are not going to know everything, but they are going to be well
versed in a lot of aspects that people new to the lifestyle come to them
with questions about. If your mentor gives you the impression that they do
not know a whole lot about what you need to talk about, it may be best to
seek out someone else. Great mentors will be prepared for all questions,
even if it means they need to research and learn before they can give you
quality advice. Someone not willing to work for you as well as with you is
not really taking your growth seriously.
Granted, there are a lot of other things to look for in a mentor, but for
now; take these thoughts and figure out if a mentor would be someone you
want in your current situation. If it is, start seeking them. Again,
interview them before you start pouring your thoughts to them. Get to know them as a person and as a submissive. Feel comfortable with them and don’t let them lead the thoughts, they are there for your growth.
Continue to learn and your journey will develop.
