Anyone who talks about BDSM often spends a lot of time talking about the posers, wannabes, and fake Dominants…Myself included.
Part of it is out of necessity. It seems as if every single day, I come across someone who dropped every bit of common sense in the name of submission. These are the people need to hear and read the warnings about wannabe Doms who think that throwing out an order and smacking an ass on occasion equals dominance.
Another part of it is that it is just easier to talk about. BDSM wannabes Doms do very common things…They lie, cheat, become violent, ignore consent….The list goes on.
They were jackasses before they discovered BDSM. Now they are jackasses with most likely a self proclaimed title and too many eager and willing victims.
Here is the thing…We do not talk a lot about is what makes a good Dominant or what does one look like. This is a harder picture to paint simply because all submissives want and need something a little different.
*cracks knuckles* However, I enjoy a challenge every now and then.
Besides, I do actually get weary of scaring people with warnings, red flags and the like…Regardless of how often it needs to be reiterated. So this time around, I would like to celebrate the good Dominants of the world.
While it is one of my philosophies that everyone is a work in progress…And although results might differ, I believe regardless of gender, sexuality, race, looks, height, weight, etc. a good Dominant will have some if not all of these characteristics.
Oh, and again for those in the back of the room, I despise the terms “real”, “true, “alpha” or any other useless precursor to the term “Dominant” unless I am using the terms in jest while describing the little incell and often insecure wannabes that are out there.
You know who you are.
Good Dominants, however, are indeed very real. Bad Dominants either have their own issues to work on or just need more education. The mark of a bad Dominant who can become a good Dominant is their willingness to listen, learn, and make changes. Oh, and really bad Dominants, the kind you warn strangers about? They are abusers, plain and simple. Believe that. I do not even consider them Dominants, no matter what they call themselves.
Neither should you.
Now…Where was I?
Okay, so what does a good Dominant look like?
*Note that I will be using the pronouns of He/Him for Dominants and she/her for submissives for convenience but one can make their own adjustments as necessary*
Good Dominants are patient. In my many conversations that I have had with submissives, I recall a lot of them advising that there was a reason many of them compare their Dominants to wild animals…Have you ever see an animal in the wild on the hunt?
They are the epitome of patience…Waiting for just the right moment to “attack”. A patient Dominant takes the time to get to know you as a person first. They might not even discuss kink until well into the relationship. They give you the time you need to become comfortable with them.
They WORK for your trust.
How does someone build trust? By being both honest and consistent. A good Dominant is both. They understand it is not just the things they say but also how one behaves…They do what they say they are going to do. They share the details of their life…Both good or bad…And because they are patient, they know it takes time.
As for my sins, when I began my solo journey into BDSM, it took almost a year or so of patience, communication, full disclosure and honesty before she became my submissive…And it was definitely worth it.
When it comes to good a good Dominant, you will find at sense of stability…Both mentally and emotionally.
It is an undeniable fact that everyone gets angry. It is a natural event. However, as an adult, you do not have to have a temper tantrum when you get angry…Or when you do not get your way.
Hmm…Some people might feel some type of way with that last statement.
Good.
Furthermore, anyone can have an mental illness (Such as yours truly) like depression or anxiety but not everyone uses unhealthy means to medicate or deal with the problem.
See where I am trying to go with this?
Anger management issues, addiction issues (that are not being addressed and being worked on), mental illness they will not acknowledge or attend to via proper channels…These are not signs of stability. But the good Dominant will either already be stable or actively work to become that way. They understand that they can not be in control of another human being if they are not in control of themselves first.
A good Dominant is not “selfish”…I used quotation marks because on some level all Dominants are a tad selfish. Think about it…They prefer having all the control and getting exactly what they want…As long as they are only doing it with a consensual partner.
One may even see it as a healthy kind of selfishness…If there is such a thing. At the same token, they also understand that it is not all about them. The needs of their submissive are equally as important and in some cases, more important than their own needs.
Come to think of it, I have not met a good Dominant who does not think of their submissive first in all things. Of course, all bets are off once the submissive is hog-tied on the bed, ass red from a well deserved spanking the Hitachi inserted inserted in the orifice of the Dominant’s choice of course. Now, they are simply and selfishly basking in your pain and pleasure as well as all that control.
*chuckle* Now I am feeling some kind of way.
Moving forward.
A good Dominant will focus on one person at a time. This has nothing to do with being poly which is something completely different. What I am referring to is talking about in that beginning stage where it is time to get to know a person. The Dominant who is interested in you as a human being and a submissive will focus only on you. You will not find them talking to multiple submissives all at once. First of all, they probably have a job and a life so they do not have time for it. And second, they know that with their attention divided like that, they are not giving you everything you deserve.
If you are looking for a long-term, meaningful relationship that has some kind of future, a good Dominant will not keep you on the side while they maintain their vanilla married life. You will become part of their life and their universe.
Now before you break out the pitchforks and torches. I know there are exceptions to that rule…Marriages that are over minus the divorce paperwork, marriages that are loveless and you are both still there for the kids….I get that. However, if a Dominant is willing to keep a submissive on the side while refusing to leave a vanilla spouse, it is not a good sign.
Good Dominants have integrity. This goes back to that whole keeping the submissive on the side thing. Good Dominants do what they say they are going to do. They keep their word to you and to other people….And take ownership if and when they fail to do so. They do what is right even when it is difficult. Such as telling hard truths that no one wants to hear but they manage to do it with respect and/or kindness.
Good Dominants take care of their submissives. Their reasons are as varied as they are. They may consider you a possession. Hell, if that is your kink and you are in agreement to that dynamic, then go forth and be blessed…Good Dominants make sure that they take care of their “toys.”
Maybe it is Daddy/baby girl love dynamic. Maybe (And hear me out on this) it is that they actually care about you as a human being and see your care as part of their responsibilities as a Dominant.
Crazy, right?
Whatever the reasons are, the submissive’s health, well-being, and happiness are important to them.
I will never get tired of saying the following: Good Dominants communicate. It might not always be right when you want to talk about something, but they will talk.
Just like the House Built upon a Rock parable, they understand that good communication is the foundation of a Dominant/submissive relationship. Without it, confusion, miscommunication and mistrust will occur. A good Dominant will tell you what they like, what they do not like, what they want, what they need and so on.
On the flipside, they expect you to talk to them. Once again, I have yet to meet a Dominant with the power of telepathy. They need to know intimate details about your health, about your past, and about who you are as a person. They know that without that information from you, something could go horribly wrong during a scene. But they also know that open communication builds trust and relationships.
The last and maybe the most important sign of a good Dominant (And this becomes more important as you take things from talking to playing) is their understanding of consent. They know for a fact that they cannot do a damned thing without it…And they will work their ass off to gain it. They also check in before, during, and after any type of kinky play. If you throw out a safe word, they know to stop immediately and make sure that you are okay. They will also respect your decision if you change your mind about a scene, an activity, or whatever else.
Be prepared for a whole bunch of communication about it, though.
Of course there are probably even more things that I could say or have forgotten to say about good Dominants but I have been rambling on for awhile now…
With that being said…If you know good Dominants, celebrate them. Thank them. Listen to them. Watch them. Use them as an example when you meet other Dominants. Secondly, if you have not found a good one yet, please, do not give up. They are out there. You will not always recognize them because instead of ordering you to call them “Sir” from the first conversation and attempting to put a collar on you, they will probably just ask how your day was or even do a random wellness check on you.
Word of advice: Do not mistake politeness for a lack of dominance. In fact, good Dominants are more polite and courteous than most other people you will ever meet.
