1)As I have said time and time again, beating somebody does not make you a Dominant. Let’s face it, anybody can be taught how to use a cane, riding
crop, flogger, restraints, etc. Just because you have become adept at
kicking somebody’s ass is not the mark of a Dominant. At worst, you are an
abuser and should seek professional help. At best, it makes you a Top.
For the record, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a Top
however, not every Top is a Dominant. For many people, they are completely different terms. There is so much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse with what happens in a scene as an overall relationship role.
2)So, you went to a dungeon, private play party or a demonstration and saw
someone do something really awesome and interesting. The person made it
look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can
do it as well, right?
Wrong!
The reason they made it look easy is because they have been doing it for a
while. They have had a bunch of practice and have studied it. They did not
just decide that one day they will grab a bunch of rope, tie up their mate
and suspend them inverted from some rigging and punch them in the crotch without looking into all of the things that go into it.
So when you see something cool that you want to try, ask the person
questions (Provided that their scene or demonstration has concluded and
that they are available to answer questions) and make sure you figure out
how to do that cool thing before you try it.
Just because you saw someone else do it, does not mean that you should
without proper research and instruction.
Which segues to…
3)Ask as many questions as you can from who you can. For every pompous
asshole out there who thinks they are too cool for the room to help out a
new person, there are several more who are more than willing to assist the
budding Dominant. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you do not want to do.
The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will
become.
3 and a half) Also, never limit yourself to just Dominants. There are
submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. In fact, a former submissive of mine had well over twenty years of experience to my two years at the time and I learned a great deal from her.
Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants, so talk to them.
4)One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such
a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out
what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.
In my less than humble opinion, a Dominant who does not question themselves is not much of a dominant.
5)Ever hear the old wives tale about switches are just confused? Here is a
newsflash Einstein…Switches are no more confused than bisexuals are. So,
if you can accept the notion of a bisexual person, you can accept the
notion of a switch. You may not understand, you may not get it or you may
not be comfortable with the notion of a switch. Who cares? If you are not a
switch, then it does not mean anything. But bottom line, switches are a
part of our community and their role should be respected just as much as
you want yours respected.
Disclaimer: This also goes for slaves, brats, littles, sissies etc. After
all, if you want to be comfortable in your dominant skin, why can’t they be
comfortable in theirs?
6)*Using my Morgan Freeman voice* Since the dawn of civilization, a pretty
or handsome face has been the downfall of many people.
Do not be one of them. Yes, it is easy to find someone so physically
attractive that that is all you see. But remember, people are more than
their physical appearance. Just because you like big breast or a huge penis
does not mean that should be the primary motivating factor. If you want a
relationship, then go for that, and hope that the person you are in a
relationship actually does have the big breast, butt or penis of your
dreams.
*chuckle* In the immortal words of those famous bards, Bell, Biv, DeVoe:
Never trust a big butt and a smile.
7)Not everyone has to call you Master, Sir, Mistress, Ma’am king, Queen (Or
any of the multitudes of honorifics out there) and prostrate themselves at
your magnificence after kissing your ring or boots. Just because you see
yourself as a Dominant, does not mean everyone else will.
Treat those who are in your care in a manner that shows basic respect and
consideration. Do not allow yourself to get Domlier-than-thou and think you
can run rough shod over someone else. Others have a choice and they have
the right to exercise that choice. You cannot make a decision for someone
else that you are not in a relationship with.
8)For the record, not all women are submissive just like not all men are
Dominant. If you believe that, I will be more than happy to introduce you
to a few people who will bear personal testimony against that claim.
One should never default to the notion that scene orientation is defined by
gender because that is not rather case. Once you accept that, your time in
this realm of BDSM, especially if you interact with the public scene, will
be a lot easier if you incorporate that fact into your psyche.
9)You have to develop your own style. Do not do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it is not for you, then it is not for you.
People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and
hip. Just like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM
scene/lifestyle…You have the choice as to whether or not you follow it,
or follow your own path.
To thine own self, be true.
10)There are things as a new person that you do not like that in 2 or 3 or
10 years you will totally be into. Be sure to try out and learn about
different things. You never know what turns you off today may totally be
your forte’ tomorrow. Keep an open eye and an open mind.
It will work to your benefit in the long run.
11)Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in the BDSM
lifestyle. Be mindful that when you are made aware of them, do not dismiss
them simply because you think it is strange.
Remember, there are a lot of people out there in the vanilla world who
think what we do as a whole is strange.
Truth be told, there are only two options. Either you can honor, accept and
respect their dynamic and continue to interact or honor, accept and respect
their dynamic and move on.
Here’s the thing; Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your
opinion will have little or no impact, so complaining, whining or trying to
kink shame will do nothing.
One day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find
strange.Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then
behave accordingly.
12)Although the Internet can be a good source of information, the Internet
will NOT teach you how to be a good dominant. Hell, It will barely teach
you how to be a good Top. You cannot teach yourself everything.
Why you may ask?
Because how can you teach yourself something you have no experience with?
Again, seek out new life and new civilizations…um, I mean seek out those
out there who are experienced and if you are so inclined, seek a mentor. If
you do not want to find a mentor, establish your own “Inner Circle” (i.e.,
group of kink friendly…friends). Use them as a sounding board and an
advice corner. Get information from as many different people as you can,
then make it your own. Do not solely rely on sites like FetLife, Facebook
or PornHub (True story) for your information. There is a lot more to this
stuff than will ever appear on those and other sites.
Granted, the Internet is filled with tons of really good information.
However, it is filled with a bunch of dumb-ass shit too.
13)Be. Fucking. Honest. Regarding. Your. Experience.
If you have been involved in BDSM for 10 years, but 9 of those years have
been online, please be honest about that. Do not lie about parties, clubs,
dungeons, or events. It is best to be honest about your experience or lack
thereof. You will gain more respect from others that way and it will also
accelerate your ability to learn. It will also potentially draw the more
experienced to you if you do not pretend that you know everything already.
One thing about the lifestyle is usually, a honest and experienced person,
Master, Dom, slave, sub, etc. can smell bullshit a mile away.
14)You are going to fuck up.
Period.
New Dominants are going to make mistakes. To be fair, intermediate
Dominants will make mistakes. Experienced Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a
mistake.
Accept it and move on.
The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from them. Use
them as opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure
out what went wrong then do a reassessment, plan and take precautions in
order to not to do it again.
If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are
a danger to yourself and whomever agrees to play with or submit to you.
Nobody is perfect. But what we can do is try to learn from the mistake and
improve our skills.
What is important is that you learn from the mistakes.
