As a 24 year old Army Spouse in Italy, life was good. she was a Receptionist and even had an important role in the Community. Mrs. B had been spending her mornings helping with a Coupon Exchange and Contest. They talked and laughed about life. Mrs. B was smart, funny, MAGNETIC and sexy. And bi lol. During lunch one day, Mrs. B asked, “Are you familiar with the Alternative Lifestyle?” There was a brief silence. “Yes. Hubby and I were active at parties back home and at Bragg.” Mrs. B smiled and said, “There are other parts of it and if you’re interested I’d like to show you. Would you like to talk about it?” And there were conversations. A LOT of conversations lol. Mrs. B was kind, authentic, patient, nurturing, firm, honest and compassionate. And Mrs. B knew a lot. But old. In her mid forties. That was awkward; talking about bondage with a lady old enough to be her mother. But Mrs. B was easy to talk to, and listened. Mrs. B shared her knowledge and experience without hesitation. Old lady or not, it was certainly interesting. Mrs. B seemed judgey sometimes, though. But the things Mrs. B showed that girl were wondrous and changed her life. That girl is this girl. And Mrs. B became this girl’s first Mentor. And looking back 26 years later, this girl was a handful and Lady Bray was a saint.
Okay, y’all. This one’s personal. this girl has told y’all about how she began her BDSM Journey…but today it’s about where she is now and some lessons learned along the way. At 51 years old, this girl is thriving. she has seen Our Thing come out of the shadows and into a Society that is sometimes welcoming and frustrating at the same time. Some of y’all are rolling your eyes already and others may have even stopped reading. That’s cool. Since the Internet is forever, this article will be here whenever you’re ready to dive back into it lol.
But if you’re still here, this girl wants to talk about Age and Experience. When this girl began, she was 24. her Mentors, Trainers and even submissives were all much older than she was. she was uncomfortable with it sometimes. Felt like it was, well, weird. Like, why were they STILL doing all this? And how? this girl resisted. Rebelled. Questioned a LOT of things. And THEN, she met Domina Lucia. The Queen Bee. The most badass Dominatrix in Italy. this girl had the enormous honor of receiving strikes and marks from Domina’s blessed hands. Domina later supervised this girl’s Training. The Plot Twist for this girl was…Domina Lucia was 57 years old. Domina chose her words carefully so when She spoke, EVERYONE listened. Well, not everyone lol. this girl challenged Domina because, well, you know. Domina grinned and always replied the same in Italian…”Live, little one.” And now, this girl finally understands.
Looking back, this girl’s struggles can be traced back to not remembering or heeding Domina’s words. See, now that this girl is the one who is asked, “Aren’t you getting to old for this?” by the youngins it’s making more sense. Now that this girl spends the majority of her time with folks over the age of 75, it’s making more sense. Now that there are middle aged and even older newbies exploring BDSM along with the young ones, it’s making more sense. Whether we are 18 or 81…no matter where we are in our journeys…we must live. And that means being vulnerable. Being willing to learn. Being compassionate. Being patient. Being authentic. Being honest.
So, let’s talk about Age first. this girl is not certain which is more frustrating; not being able to do all of the things we used to do, or not being able to do something you haven’t done but desire to do? Having to adjust your kinks/fetishes or having to accept a way to give them up altogether because you simply can’t do them? It’s devastating. The bright side, if one can call it that, is Our Thing is so vast no one has ever done it all or knows it all. There will be people who will say, “You’re too old to be doing that” or “Aren’t you too old for BDSM?” The fact that they even ask this is evidence of their lack of understanding about what Our Thing is. EXACTLY like this girl was in the beginning of her journey. Sure, we can ignore them, cut them out of our lives altogether or take the opportunity to show them how well we can roast someone lol. That is an immediate rush and release. We can take the opportunity to educate them, help them understand that they may end up in the same situation. Or we can give them our own version of, “Live, little one.” After all…there’s only one way to avoid getting old and none of us wants to think about that, right? So in the meantime…eat well, get regular checkups, pay attention to our bodies before, during after any activity. Keep up with new trends, toys, tools, resources, etc. Research. Learn. Observe, Grow. Accept that we are changing physically and sometimes even mentally and that it affects us emotionally as well. Don’t give up! Keep going! But adjust and even go slower when necessary. Our lives aren’t over yet; just evolving. Find a Support System that will encourage, uplift and nurture us. Do the same for others. Share the funny or even embarrassing and emotional moments with those you are comfortable with. Another GLORIOUS thing about Our Thing is we are connected in so many ways. Complete strangers can become family. And families are ALWAYS growing larger!
Okay, let’s talk about Experience. First, the cliché…”We all have to start somewhere!” That’s also a fact. And it can be overwhelming and frustrating at ANY age. Not certain which is more frustrating…people assuming you do/don’t know anything because of your age or finding someone COMPETENT who is willing to share their experience with us? Whewww, chile. See, it’s like this…the “I’ve forgotten more than you know” bunch may be burnt out. People like this girl repeat “Educate each other” on a constant (and annoying, she knows some of y’all feel that way but oh well lol) loop, but guess what? That makes us a resource! So don’t stop just because there are folks that aren’t exactly open and receptive. We need to take a moment and check ourselves. “Am I open and receptive to someone else’s knowledge/experience/feedback?” And/or “Am I conveying my thoughts in a productive/inviting/non judgemental/informative/respectful way?” Or am I speaking and/responding like an a-hole? Remember…the message sent is not always the message received. Having more or having less experience doesn’t give us the right to be ugly to people. The world outside of Our Thing does that to us enough, don’t y’all think? Bottom Line…we will ALWAYS encounter people in various places along their journeys. So let’s find a way to help each other to keep going. Learn. Observe. Grow. Be patient. If someone in your Community is lost, help them find their way. If you are lost, reach out. Build a Support System that will encourage, uplift and nurture us. Do the same for others. Share the funny or even embarrassing and emotional moments with those you are comfortable with. Another GLORIOUS thing about Our Thing is we are connected in so many ways. Complete strangers can become family. And families are ALWAYS growing larger!
(Y’all see what this girl did there?)
Age and Experience aren’t things that divide us. They’re a very strong fiber that connects us. Look at it like a road trip. As we drive along the highway we may see some older model vehicles in front of us or in our rearview mirror. There may be vehicles with dealer tags. There may brand new vehicles we encounter as well. But we’re ALL trying to get somewhere safely, right? Are we going to race with perfect strangers? Are we going to run them off the road because their vehicles are older or newer than ours? No…we aren’t. We share the road with each other because, regardless of the age/condition of the vehicle we’re in, we all want to have a safe, enjoyable journey. We may even arrive at a destination and see some of the same travelers. That might be cool, right?
Listen…this girl is well aware that Age and Experience can be tough to navigate through. But acknowledging, understanding and accepting that will help us find our way. So with that in mind, several different groups of people on opposite ends of our journeys are already connected. So let’s help each other arrive safely. And sometimes all it takes is opening our minds and ears and shutting our mouths.
And with THAT final thought, this girl will shut up now.
Thanks for reading, y’all.
~His Duchess
