she sat quietly, looking at her phone in disbelief. The message simply said, “You got a minute?” Seems like a basic thing. she knew different because she had been here before. Daddy needs His dinner early tonight. Boss needs that report before lunch tomorrow. One more load to finish. HELL NO I DON’T HAVE TEN SECONDS, LET ALONE A MINUTE!And then it hit her…what did Daddy tell her? “Taking care of my property is your most important duty, and that means you have to say no sometimes! No one else will suffer the consequences of your dereliction of service except YOU. Remember that!” Decades ago, Domina told her, “Imagine there are three pitchers. One is yours. Another is your friends and family. Another is work. Would you empty your own to fill up the others? Of course not!” Because of this, she understands that as a submissive who is all about serving, the choice of where to disperse time, energy, action and emotions becomes difficult at times. We pour into others because we are submissive. It drives us. The reality is that it also DRAINS us if we aren’t mindful and yes, selfish.
Heyyy, y’all! submissives are typically seen as giving, self-sacrificing, and wholeheartedly dedicated to the needs and desires of their Dominant. Hear this girl out, though. The concept of a submissive being selfish at times can be not only beneficial but also crucial to a submissive’s health and the sustainability of our relationships. This may sound contrary to everything we know about submissiveness. A well-balanced approach to selfishness can strengthen the bond between Dominant and submissive, ensuring that everyone’s needs are met.
“Wtf, Regina?! Who wants a submissive who focuses on themselves???” Well…let’s just take a few minutes to talk about how that works.
Self-Care is a thing…even in OUR Thing
A submissive who never prioritizes their own needs can quickly become mentally, emotionally or physically drained. By being occasionally selfish—whether that means taking time for themselves, setting boundaries, or expressing personal needs—a submissive ensures that they can continue to invest in the relationship/dynamic in a healthy, sustainable way. Self-care allows a submissive to recharge and maintain emotional balance, which is critical for our well-being. A submissive who constantly sacrifices without regard for their own needs risks burnout, resentment, and even the breakdown of the relationship/dynamic. Selfishness in this context isn’t about neglecting the Dominant; it ensures the submissive is in a good emotional and physical space. When a submissive takes time to nurture themselves, we are better equipped to fulfill the desires and expectations of our Dominant.
Encouraging Honest Communication
Being selfish at times can encourage better communication between both partners. If a submissive is feeling overwhelmed or neglected, it is important that they communicate those feelings clearly rather than suppress them out of a desire to be “perfect.” Open and honest communication allows the Dominant to understand the submissive’s needs and prevents misunderstandings that could otherwise build over time. By advocating for themselves, submissives help to create an atmosphere where both partners are heard, understood, and respected. A submissive’s ability to express when they need something—whether it’s space, attention, or clarity—cultivates trust in the relationship. It allows everyone to address issues before they become serious problems, ensuring that everyone is satisfied and content.
Empowering and Encouraging a submissive
While submissives are often viewed as passive or secondary, there is importance in their role. This shift in perspective can help avoid a situation where the relationship/dynamic becomes stagnant. Dominants who understand and appreciate their submissive’s self-advocacy can better meet to their needs, making the power exchange richer and more fulfilling. A submissive’s assertiveness is determined by their Dominants. Moments of selfishness can be an empowering experience, helping submissives recognize and embrace that our role is not solely about giving to others outside of our relationship/dynamic. It helps us to say NO to things that don’t help US serve our Dominants.
Preventing Resentment and Neglect
No matter how devoted a submissive may be, human beings have needs that must be met. If those needs go unaddressed for too long, it can lead to feelings of resentment, which can ultimately harm the relationship/dynamic. Occasional selfishness ensures that the submissive is taking care of their needs, which prevents bitterness from creeping into the dynamic. Vetting and negotiation are critical times for this to take place. When submissives take the time to ensure their own needs are met, they are also helping their Dominant. After all, a submissive who is emotionally fulfilled is more capable of serving and submitting in a healthy, loving way. Neglecting oneself out of fear of appearing selfish can backfire, leading to deeper issues that could compromise the relationship/dynamic.
Healthy Boundaries
submissives who understand and clearly communicate their limits help establish a framework in which they can flourish. Dominants are attuned to their partner’s cues, leading to greater intimacy and satisfaction.
Bottom line…the occasional act of selfishness by the submissive is not only necessary and acceptable, it can be highly beneficial. It encourages self-care, honest communication, and personal growth, all while helping to maintain and improve our submission. When everyone feels respected and fulfilled, the relationship/dynamic becomes more sustainable and enriching. Selfishness, guided by our Dominant and in moderation, ensures that the submissive’s needs are met, which only enhances their ability to submit fully and wholeheartedly.
Thank you for reading.
~ His Duchess
