fren·zy
/ˈfrenzē/
noun
a state or period of uncontrolled excitement or wild behavior.
Okay, y’all…let’s do this. Vicenza Italy, 1994. this girl and her hubby were invited to a private party at a villa. she saw things that changed her forever. she became obsessed. she wanted to try EVERYTHING. she watched tons of porn, bought some awesome magazines and books, went to more parties and “volunteered as tribute” but most turned her down. this girl got frustrated. One couple took her under their wing and helped guide her and the rest is history lol. Alot of growth, failures, triumphs, losses later she felt she had found her destiny. Well….fast forward to 2015. this girl meet this wonderful group of folks who are Lifestylers. she was teaching a class on Group Dynamics when her mind starts to wander. “I would LOVE to play later” and back down the rabbit hole she went…again. this girl shared that with Y/y’all because it is something that happens to alot of U/us. W/we are reasonable, capable people but Frenzy can still take ahold of U/us. What is Frenzy, exactly? Well, spend any length of time in the BDSM Community and Y/you will see the new people who go overboard. It’s normal, really; the introduction to a world where Y/your darkest fantasies can come true will give U/us that “kid in a candy store” feeling. There can be an urge to rush in and experience as many things as possible, as quickly as possible. Of course, this type of behaviour isn’t just limited to one side of the slash. It can happen at any time. People new to O/our Thing are more likely to experience frenzy; although experienced people can find themselves in the midst of it too. It can happen after a break-up or as a coping mechanism following any life altering experience. Learning the warning signs can help Y/you take a step back if Y/you find yourself in the midst of a frenzy. It can happen at any time. Here are a few:
*Rushing into play with a person or people Y/you’ve just met
*Rushing through negotiation or skipping it altogether
*Engaging in dangerous behaviours, like meeting in private for the first time or having unprotected sex with new or casual partners
*Playing so much Y/you don’t have time to process the emotional impact
*Playing as a way of dealing with “drop”
*Engaging in play that Y/you aren’t skilled in or knowledgeable about and without learning about the potential risks
*Falling in love with everyone Y/you play with
*Falling in love after a single play session
*Withholding or lying about personal or health issues that could affect play
How can W/we manage frenzy? Well first W/we must accept and understand that frenzy is not always avoidable. So it is important to know how to deal with it if or when it happens. (Note: These suggestions are only as good as Y/your willpower.) It is wise to plan ahead and have a plan that Y/you can commit to for all play encounters. This list contains suggestions for that plan, use what works for Y/you, add Y/your own and discard the rest.
- Trust Y/your gut instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, chances are it isn’t.
- Don’t engage in play on a first meet. Take some time to get to know the person before engaging in BDSM play.
- Negotiate before play. Have a mental (or written) checklist of all the points Y/you want to cover so that Y/you don’t forget any.
- Meet potential new partners in public like a coffee shop or a munch. Don’t meet up with anyone who complains about this policy.
- Only engage in safer sex (condoms, dental dams, gloves, etc) with new or casual partners. Reserve unprotected sex for an established significant other or polycule.
- Take time between play scenes to process Y/your feelings. This may mean limiting play to one scene per week, one play night (multiple scenes) per week or a schedule that works for Y/you. Take time to let Y/your body heal as much as possible.
*NOTE: If Y/you find that Y/you are experiencing drop after playing, try to figure out why. Do Y/you need more/different aftercare? Do Y/you need contact or reassurance from partners after play?
- Take the time to learn how to engage in new types of play safely. Attend a workshop, do online research or ask others in Y/your community. Make sure Y/you understand the risks. Always be honest about Y/your experience (or lack of experience).
- Learn to recognize the signs of infatuation. Know how to separate it from genuine feelings of love while also enjoying the new connective energy. Don’t commit to the first person who offers a collar/themselves.
- Know when Y/your personal and/or health issues may affect a play scene. Be prepared to share this information with new partners and explain how it may affect play. In addition, be sure to tell them what actions they should take just in case.
Frenzy has a cousin that is also very interesting. Frenzy is behavior; while Fickleness can be a personality trait.
fick·le·ness
/ˈfikəlnəs/
noun
changeability, especially as regards one’s loyalties or affections.
Have Y/you ever observed a fickle submissive? Monday they are allowing someone to claim them. Then by Wednesday, they are pursuing another because, wweeeell, who knows. (Poly folks this applies to y’all, too!) One minute we are diving into Shibari. An hour later we decide Pet Play sounds cool. Friday night O/our dom/me(s) or sub(s) are the sun, moon and the stars; Tuesday morning hits and one attentive comment from someone else and W/we are contemplating a life with them instead. Being fickle sometimes makes people inconsistent and lack focus. Perfect example…Dory the fish. Frenzy is when W/we might end up asking O/ourselves, “Why am I doing this?” Fickleness is when W/we might end up asking O/ourselves, “Why am I like this?”
Yes, Fickleness is seen as a negative thing. But any experience W/we go through W/we can grow through, right? So dig deep and let’s help each other! The greatest lesson this girl learned about her Fickleness is that she first needed to focus on being worthy of one Sir/Daddy instead of the several she engaged in conversation. Make them EARN that distinction through intent and actions; not just words/memes. It was all about this girl’s knowledge of self.
Does she still struggle with Frenzy? Hell Yes. But the consequences and duration are much easier to navigate and manage. Is Fickleness still a challenge for this girl? Well…now she is much more focused, determined and consistent. The first step is embracing the fact that Y/your “perfect storm” of Dominance and submission may not look like others. Then…Y/you can breathe a little easier and see things around Y/you more clearly.
The journey continues, Y/y’all.
~His Duchess
