she took a deep breath and gathered herself. It was time. she had to. But then the doubts and fears crept in. What will happen? Will this change everything? Maybe it will change how He feels. And then…she took another deep and recited in her head, “Respect. Communication. Trust. Honesty.” Then she felt ready. Yes…she’s ready. “Confession, Sir.” He quietly, and more importantly, simply responded, “Si.” And with His calm, inviting, trustful response, she felt safe. she felt seen. she felt grateful for Him. He had given her the courage to be absolutely honest with Him. she exhaled and continued while He listened.
Heyyyy, y’all! If W/we want to authentically connect with each other, there needs to be a commitment to consistent Respect, Communication, Trust and Honesty. Please indulge this girl as she talks about Honesty for a bit.
And yes…this girl knows how some of Y/y’all feel reading that. Some of Y/y’all may hear this and want to cringe. Many people think that being honest all the time is like an open invitation for trouble. But is it, though?
If done properly, transparency will release pent-up resentments and create fulfilling, deeply committed, intimate and drama-light (keeping it real!) dynamics.
Even the most honest people are not always completely honest with T/their Dominant(s) or submissive(s). That’s because many of U/us have learned how to hide O/our feelings in order to keep the peace or reinforce old, limiting beliefs. But in order to create an authentic and transparent dynamic, those automatic responses that serve to hide emotions must be unlearned.
Still with this girl? Good.
It helps to know what the barriers to absolute honesty are. (And that it’s not Y/your fault if Y/you learned to hide Y/your feelings in order to survive!) Recognize what stops Y/you from being open and give Y/yourself permission to let it go.
Some things that get in the way of absolute honesty are:
1) Y/you are trying to uphold a certain image in T/their eyes.Y/you fear the truth will ruin Y/your “reputation” so to speak.
2) Y/your original connection with each other was founded on the withholding of truth. This could mean hiding vulnerabilities, desires or even betrayals. In these cases, hiding the truth becomes a force of habit which outweighs the desire to be truly seen.
3) Y/you’re afraid of Y/your partner’s reaction.T/they may not like it, and Y/you fear T/they will withdraw or even leave. Or Y/you may fear how T/they will interpret whatever Y/you share with T/them.
Listen…the fear many of U/us carries inside U/us is much easier to let go of once W/we understand that all W/we can do is share O/our truth and W/we are not responsible for what O/others do with that information.
And more importantly, there are ways to be honest that greatly helps U/us connect with O/our Dominant(s) or submissive(s).
Being transparent and vulnerable is a way of being truly honest about O/ourselves. Sharing what’s happening inside U/us builds intimacy and trust in O/our dynamic(s). W/we could be hiding fear, anger, sadness, resentment, insecurity. W/we. Must. Let. It. Out. So. W/we. Can. Move. Forward. In fact, at the deepest level, absolute honesty is rarely about anything else.
And that’s because intimacy and honesty is not about telling O/our Dominant(s) or submissive (s) what W/we think of T/them. It’s about sharing observations about O/ourselves without blame, judgement or projection.
This requires vigilantly avoiding “Y/you statements” or any arguable interpretations. Anytime W/we speculate about T/their intentions or make judgments, W/we are heading into dangerous territory.
W/we may ask: “But what if there is something really bothering M/me about T/them?” In this case, W/we should share O/our observations with T/them. But W/we MUST relinquish control over the outcome and accept that T/they may not agree. However, if W/we focus on O/our own reactions, W/we are much more likely to be heard because W/we avoid putting T/them in a position to feel like T/they have to defend T/themselves.
Being absolutely honest with each other takes a commitment to owning O/our interpretations and assumptions rather than identifying with them, and sharing observations about emotions. Remember, it is NOT an attempt to analyze or confront.
If this sounds tough, remember that committing to this is a game changer! Being truthful clears resentments, builds emotional connection, and allows U/us to be fully seen. It frees U/us for growth. It strengthens U/us as individuals as well as within O/our dynamic(s). And that is the whole point of healthy authentic relationships!
Remember….
In order to truly live out a commitment to absolute honesty W/we have to keep these three guidelines in mind at all times:
1) Whenever W/we are upset, unsettled, disconnected, or blocking closeness with O/our Dominant(s) or submissive(s), focus on how W/we feel (not what W/we think). The key here is finding emotion words, not interpretations or assumptions. It helps to remember that it almost always comes down to only a few things: fear, sadness, anger, disappointment, insecurity.
2) After W/we have identified the emotion, W/we must try O/our damndest to ONLY share it as an observation about O/ourselves! For example: “When Y/you X, I noticed that I felt Y and I’m struggling with that now.” If W/we must share an interpretation, do it from the place of observation, not identification or indictment. So rather than “Y/You totally disrespected me,” say “I interpreted what Y/you did as disrespect, and then I felt angry.” See the difference? The latter is much more difficult to argue with.
3) W/we should NEVER try to control how T/they respond. If T/they aren’t sure how to respond, or if W/we feel misunderstood, remember that by committing to these steps W/we are being honest and brave. W/we can feel confident that W/we have not “started any problems.” O/our partner’s reaction is about T/them , not U/us. Sometimes when one person makes a change, the O/other needs time to absorb this new way of being. But the vast majority of the time, honesty results in greater connection and intimacy right away.
If W/we follow these three rules, the blaming/judging aspects of O/our dynamic(s)will fade away and all the energy W/we spent trying to hide and even bury pieces of O/ourselves is now free to focus on building intimacy and strengthening each O/other!
Still here? Splendid!!!
And let’s not forgot the other side of the coin. When receiving this type of information W/we must listen and process it without judgment! Be approachable. If it will make this type of conversation easier, set up a specific protocol for it, such as time of day, location, words/phrases to use, duration, check on comprehension, follow up, etc. After all, O/our Thing often thrives on Protocol and structure, right? Sometimes a Joint Journal does the trick. One writes their feelings. The other reads them then writes a response. Then the follow up or check in can be a face to face conversation because by then E/everyone has all the information needed to come to a resolution. The key is respecting each other’s feelings, communicating effectively with each other, trusting each other to receive what’s being said without judgement and always being honest.
Almost done!
By the way…Even if O/our Dominant (s) or submissive (s) are not as invested in this commitment, if just one of U/us follows these, W/we will create inevitable positive changes in O/ourselves; even if that means the dynamic(s) may have to change or even end. Such is life, Y/y’all.
Bonus: This can be applied to any other interpersonal relationships W/we have as well!!!
It always comes back to The Pillars for this girl…Respect. Communication. Trust. Honesty.
this girl wholeheartedly appreciates Y/your time.
~His Duchess
