Discrediting Your Feelings and Experiences

One significant sign of gaslighting is when someone undermines or dismisses your emotions, opinions, or experiences. They may tell you that you’re too sensitive, overreacting, or imagining things. By invalidating your feelings, the gaslighter gains control and makes you doubt your own judgment.

Constant Denial and Contradiction

Gaslighters often deny things they previously said or done, making you question your memory or perception of events. They might flat-out deny or refute their actions, causing confusion and self doubt. Consistent contradiction creates a sense of instability, leaving you feeling unsure and vulnerable.

Manipulative Distortion of Facts

Gaslighters frequently twist facts, manipulate information, or selectively omit details to shape a narrative that suits their agenda. They may alter events, make false accusations, or even present alternative realities. This intentional distortion of facts makes it difficult for you to trust your own judgment and memories.

Blaming and Shifting Responsibility

A gaslighter consistently avoids taking responsibility for their actions and instead places blame on others. They may shift blame onto you or make you feel guilty for their behavior. By deflecting accountability, they maintain power and control, leaving you feeling guilty and responsible for their actions.

Isolation and Alienation

Gaslighters often isolate their victims from friends, family, or support networks. They may criticize your relationships, discourage you from spending time with loved ones, or even spread rumors to damage your social connections. This isolation enhances their control over you, making you more dependent on them for validation and support.

Gradual Erosion of Self Confidence

Over time, gaslighting can erode your self confidence and self esteem. The gaslighter may constantly belittle you, question your abilities, or make you feel inadequate. Their relentless criticism and undermining gradually diminish your self worth, making you more susceptible to their manipulation.

Gaslighter as the “Authority”

Gaslighters often position themselves as the ultimate authority, using their perceived power and knowledge to assert control. They may act condescendingly, patronize you, or behave as if their opinions and perspectives are the only valid ones. By positioning themselves as the dominant authority figure, they further undermine your confidence and autonomy.

Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial in safeguarding your emotional well being and maintaining healthy relationships. Trust your instincts, seek support from trusted individuals, and consider professional help if needed. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, empathy, and honesty in all your relationships.

The post Recognizing the Signs of Gaslighting – Shedding Light on Manipulative Tactics appeared first on Free the Kink.

Establish Trust and Open Communication

Trust is the foundation of any BDSM relationship, and it becomes even more critical when dealing with past traumas. The Dominant must create an environment where the submissive feels safe to share their experiences and emotions without fear of judgment or re-traumatization. Encouraging open communication and active listening allows the Dominant to understand the submissive’s needs, triggers, and boundaries better.

Educate Yourself on Trauma

To effectively support a submissive with past traumas, the Dominant should invest time in educating themselves about trauma, its effects, and appropriate ways to address it. Understanding the psychological and emotional impact of trauma equips the Dominant with the knowledge necessary to approach the healing process in a sensitive and informed manner.

Practice Sensitivity and Patience

Recovery from trauma is a gradual process that requires patience and sensitivity from both the Dominant and the submissive. The Dominant should be aware that healing takes time and be prepared for setbacks along the way. By demonstrating patience, the Dominant helps create a safe space where the submissive feels accepted and supported in their journey of healing.

Establish Safe Triggers and Boundaries

Trauma can often manifest as triggers, which are reminders of past traumatic experiences that can induce intense emotional or physical reactions. The Dominant and submissive should work together to identify these triggers and establish clear boundaries to avoid inadvertently causing distress. Open dialogue about triggers can help the Dominant modify scenes, activities, or language to ensure the submissive’s emotional well being.

Create a Ritual of Consensual Consent

Consent plays a vital role in any BDSM relationship. Establishing a ritual of consensual consent, such as the use of safewords or other agreed upon signals, empowers the submissive and provides them with a sense of control. This practice allows the submissive to communicate their needs and limitations, ensuring their comfort and security throughout the dynamic.

Utilize Therapeutic Techniques

Drawing from therapeutic techniques can be helpful when assisting a submissive in addressing past traumas. The Dominant can collaborate with the submissive to identify strategies like grounding exercises, mindfulness techniques, or breathing exercises that aid in managing anxiety or triggering situations. These techniques can be integrated into scenes or used independently to support the submissive’s emotional well being.

Encourage Professional Support

While the Dominant can provide significant support, it is essential to acknowledge the limitations of their role. Encouraging the submissive to seek professional help from therapists or counselors who specialize in trauma can be invaluable. Professional guidance can offer additional tools, coping mechanisms, and a safe space for the submissive to process their experiences.

When a Dominant takes on the responsibility of supporting a submissive with past traumas, they are entrusted with a significant role in their healing journey. By establishing trust, practicing open communication, and nurturing a safe environment, the Dominant can create the foundation necessary for the submissive to heal and grow. Remember, every individual’s needs and experiences are unique, so adaptability, empathy, and a willingness to learn and adapt are crucial. Ultimately, the goal is to create a BDSM relationship that not only embraces consensual power dynamics but also provides a platform for healing and personal growth.

By acknowledging and addressing past traumas, the Dominant demonstrates their commitment to the well being of their submissive. Together, they can explore new boundaries, rebuild trust, and foster a sense of empowerment. It is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and ongoing communication.

However, it’s essential to note that the role of a Dominant is not that of a therapist or a substitute for professional help. Encouraging the submissive to seek professional support is crucial in providing comprehensive care. Professional therapists can offer specialized guidance and therapeutic techniques tailored to the submissive’s specific needs.

Remember, every individual’s healing journey is unique, and it may require adapting and adjusting techniques along the way. With a commitment to ongoing support and a focus on consent, a Dominant can provide the foundation for their submissive’s healing, helping them reclaim their power and create a fulfilling BDSM dynamic built on trust, growth, and mutual respect.

The post Nurturing Healing – How a Dominant Can Support Their Submissive in Dealing with Past Traumas appeared first on Free the Kink.

Prioritize Open Communication

Effective communication serves as the foundation for intimacy in any relationship. Create a safe space where both you and your partner can express your thoughts, feelings, and desires openly and honestly. Practice active listening, giving your undivided attention, and showing empathy towards each other. Regularly check in with each other, discussing both the joys and challenges you face. By fostering open communication, you create an atmosphere of trust and understanding, strengthening the intimacy between you.

Nurture Emotional Connection

Emotional intimacy thrives when partners feel emotionally connected and supported. Make an effort to understand your partner’s emotional needs and be responsive to them. Engage in activities that promote emotional bonding, such as sharing your dreams and fears, expressing gratitude, and engaging in quality time together. Show empathy and validate each other’s emotions, creating an environment where both partners feel safe and understood. By nurturing emotional connection, you enhance intimacy and deepen your emotional bond.

Explore Shared Interests

Discovering and exploring shared interests can be a wonderful way to foster intimacy in a relationship. Find activities or hobbies that you both enjoy and engage in them together. It could be anything from cooking together, taking dance classes, or going on outdoor adventures. By participating in shared activities, you create opportunities for quality time, collaboration, and mutual growth. Engaging in new experiences together strengthens the bond between partners and provides a shared sense of excitement and fulfillment.

Practice Physical Affection

Physical affection is an integral part of intimacy. From holding hands to cuddling and kissing, physical touch helps maintain a strong connection between partners. Make a conscious effort to incorporate physical affection into your daily routine. Take time to hug, cuddle, or kiss your partner, even during the busiest of days. Engaging in non-sexual physical touch fosters feelings of closeness and reassurance. Remember, small gestures of physical affection can go a long way in nurturing intimacy and strengthening your bond.

Prioritize Quality Time

In our fast paced lives, it’s easy to get caught up in work and other commitments, neglecting the quality time we spend with our partners. However, dedicating uninterrupted time solely for each other is crucial for building intimacy. Set aside regular date nights or create rituals that allow you to connect on a deeper level. It could be cooking a meal together, going for a walk, or simply having a technology free evening. Quality time enables partners to engage in meaningful conversations, share experiences, and deepen their understanding of each other, fostering intimacy and a sense of togetherness.

Cultivating intimacy requires effort, understanding, and a commitment to strengthening the connection between partners. By prioritizing open communication, nurturing emotional connection, exploring shared interests, practicing physical affection, and prioritizing quality time, you can create a thriving atmosphere of intimacy in your relationship. Remember, intimacy is an ongoing process that requires consistent attention and care. Embrace these tips, adapt them to your unique relationship, and watch as your bond deepens and flourishes.

The post 5 Effective Tips for Cultivating Intimacy in Your Relationship appeared first on Free the Kink.

1. Who the hell said that BDSM is a race or competition??? We see it every day…someone posts a photo/video/etc and the comments are littered with “I’m not as experienced as you guys!” or someone on that condescending, superior, arrogant type crap. Knock it off. We all have unique experiences and journeys. The phrase “Everyone is different” is a FACT. ACCEPT IT. Instead of trying to keep up with, copy, imitate, follow, obsess over, criticize, judge, shame, etc. someone else’s progress, we seriously need to focus on ourselves.
2. Y’all know that BDSM isn’t all about sex, right? Asking because whenever Our Thing is mentioned in some conversations things get sexual QUICKLY. Well, there are aspects of Our Thing that are not about penetration at all, y’all. It’s also more involved than what we may see in porn. There is a lot of mental gymnastics involved through Trust, Communication, Honesty and Respect. So try to remember that not every person involved in BDSM is into being tied up during sex, y’all.
3. Y’all know that there are STRAIGHT male submissives, right? So stop assuming shit because someone could assume things about you too because of what you’re into. No need to go further into this one.
4. Y’all know that there are MANY ways to be Poly, right? Ask questions, do some research, TALK ABOUT IT. Figure out where or how you fit. And if you aren’t about that life, speak up LOUDLY so everyone can hear you and keep moving forward on your journey. Be true to yourself first.
5. Y’all know ENTHUSIASTIC consent is critical, right? If there is an ambiguous response to a question or request, STOP. Make sure that everyone involved understands the difference between CONSENT and COERCION in the very beginning. It’s one of this girl’s Vetting Questions.
6. Y’all know you don’t have to attend a million events to be part of the Community, right? Of course it would be super cool to be able to travel and meet every living legend, author, expert, sexy smart person, etc. in the flesh or have some kinky fun with an icon, right? But then the bills come and bring us back to reality lol. After all…Our Thing can get expensive already without travel expenses, hotel stays, entry fees, etc in the mix. Budget for it. Attend when and if you can actually afford it. There are several online. And most major events are scheduled WAY in advance so you have months to plan for it if you want to attend.

That concludes THIS Reality Check. There will be more. Thanks for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post “Reality Check!” appeared first on Free the Kink.

The process of making a bullwhip is a complex one that requires a great deal of skill and attention to detail.

Materials Used in Bullwhips:

-Leather is the primary material used in the construction of bullwhips. Cowhide or kangaroo hide is the most common type of leather used. The type of leather used in a bullwhip can have a significant impact on its performance and durability.

-Kangaroo leather is particularly popular among whip makers because it is both lightweight and strong. It also has a unique grain pattern that makes it aesthetically pleasing.

-Nylon is another material that is sometimes used in bullwhip construction. Nylon whips tend to be more affordable than leather whips, but they do not have the same level of quality and durability as leather whips.

Making a Bullwhip

The process of making a bullwhip typically begins with selecting the right materials. The whip maker will choose a type of leather that is appropriate for the desired length and flexibility of the whip. Once the leather has been selected, it is cut into long, narrow strips that will form the braided portion of the whip.

The strips of leather are then soaked in water to make them more pliable. The whip maker will then begin braiding the strips together, using a particular pattern that gives the whip its distinctive look and feel.

Once the braiding is complete, the whip maker will attach a handle to the end of the whip. The handle may be made from a variety of materials, including wood, bone, or plastic. The handle is then wrapped in leather or some other material to provide a comfortable grip for the user.

Finally, the whip maker will apply a finishing coat to the whip to protect it from the elements and give it a polished appearance.

If you are interested in learning more about bullwhips, be sure to do your research, both in seeking out reputable whip makers who can provide you with a high-quality product and in learning how to use this powerful implement.

The post What is a Bullwhip? appeared first on Free the Kink.

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The pinch is the squeezing of the skin whether it be with the thumb and the finger, with an object or with multiple fingers. So simple, yet so many ways it can be used. Pinching can be uncomfortable, painful or even pleasurable and there can be many reasons one might choose to employee the pinch.

Sexual- So many ways the overlooked pinch can be deployed when it comes to erotic pursuits. Almost any part of the body can be pinched, most common in play is the butt, back, nipples, and genitals. Really when it comes to the pinch, use your imagination. Think of the scenes that could be created with the help of the pinch. Bottom bound, clamps or even clothespins placed on the body. The sharp bite as it is first applied,
then the revival of pain as the clamp is removed. Maybe it’s used in between an impact scene, a hard pinch on the butt to bring a different sensation. Don’t forget, even the pinch can be spiced up by adding in twists to the pinching to intensify its effect. Pinching can also be used to test the sensitivity of an area before play as well.

Punishment/ Correction- The pinch can be a subtle but effective method of correction. A light to hard pinch on the arm or the back can let your submissive know whatever is happening or being said needs to stop without anyone being any the wiser. Sometimes the pinch can be used for punishment in much less subtle ways like pinching the tongue, breasts or genitals with either the fingers or a device.

Attention- Especially in public, a submissive may be surrounded by outside stimuli, caught up in the moment a subtle command may go unnoticed. A quick pinch can bring focus back to the situation or alert the submissive that they need to paying attention.

Almost any part of the body can be pinched but caution should be used on any part of the body that may be difficult to pinch and pay attention to your partner as you vary the degree of pressure. This is not a comprehensive guide, just some ideas on how to use something so simple for big purposes.

Do you like to be pinched or pinch? Is pinching used in your dynamic? In what way?

The post The Art of the Pinch appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay, y’all. this girl always addresses the Four Pillars (Honesty, Trust, Respect and Communication, respectively), but now she will take some time to address them in greater detail. Ready? OKAY!

The late great Aretha Franklin sang her heart out about it. Even spelled it out. First up…RESPECT.
What IS respect? Well…the dictionary definition goes something like this:

re·spect

/rəˈspekt/

(noun)

1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
2. due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.

(verb)

admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

this girl was taught some basic essentials of BDSM and was given an assignment to connect the Four Pillars to them. Respect was the easiest for her.

*Don’t touch someone else’s property without permission — whether it is a toy or a person.
*Be tolerant of others
*Respect other people
*Respect other people’s relationships
*Respect other people’s sexuality
*Respect other people’s gender identification
*Be polite! Say “please” and “thank you” and apologize when you should.

The concept and act of Respect is pretty simple, right? Well not for everyone. The main reason why is because Respect means different things to different people and some consider respect more important than others.

Remember the couple in the beginning? Well…they missed a few of these.

It should also be repeated that Respect means different things to different people and some consider respect more important than others. There may even be some of you who disagree with the Essentials that were listed above. Different perspectives. But be mindful of the main point…Respect itself is essential.

What happens when Respect is damaged or lost altogether? Well…depending on the people involved, the environment and situation, in Our Thing it could result in Sanctions, Exile, dynamics ending, etc. That’s a lot. So obviously, disrespect is a costly gamble.

Take some time to assess how respectful you are. Take some time to reflect on how much Respect matters to you. Take some time to consider how you want folx to demonstrate their Respect for you. And do all of this as often as necessary.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Not Just An Iconic Song appeared first on Free the Kink.

Set Clear Boundaries

The most important thing a Dominant must do is set clear boundaries with their partner. You should discuss what activities you both consent to, what kind of roleplay or scenes you want to explore, and your hard limits. This ensures that everyone knows exactly what they can expect from each other and helps create respect and trust between partners.

Create a Safe Space

A safe space is essential for any BDSM relationship. As a Dominant, it’s your responsibility to make sure your partner feels safe, respected, and comfortable exploring their boundaries in and out of the bedroom. This means encouraging honest communication between partners about their needs and wants and listening. It also means understanding that boundaries can change over time and being willing to adjust accordingly when possible.

Know Your Limits

It’s important for any BDSM practitioner Dom or sub to know their own physical, emotional, and mental limits before engaging in any activities or dynamic relationship. As a Dom, it’s up to you to stay within those limits while still pushing yourself (or your partner) out of their comfort zone if desired. Understanding where those limits lie will help ensure that both partners have an enjoyable time while engaging in kinky activities or living out a Dynamic.

Stay Educated

BDSM is an ever-evolving practice, new techniques and ideas are constantly being developed by practitioners around the world! Staying educated on current trends and developments is an important part of being a successful Dom, reading books by experts on the topic or attending events like play parties and Conferences can help keep you informed on what’s happening in the BDSM community today and tomorrow!     

Being a Dom isn’t easy but it can definitely be rewarding! By taking responsibility for setting clear boundaries with your partner, creating a safe space for exploration, being respectful of each other’s wishes and desires, knowing your own limits, and staying educated on current trends in the BDSM community, you’ll be able to enjoy all the thrilling aspects of this lifestyle.

The post <strong>4 Quick Essential Tips for a New Dominant</strong> appeared first on Free the Kink.

BDSM is like an ocean…with depths no one has even reached, yet alone explored yet. So we’re swimming along and then BOOM…we join a BDSM/Kink Community online. And we love it! So many smart, funny, sexy, bold people!!! We are so excited we just want to dive in and start doing all manner of wild and fun shit! Yet that in no way means we shouldn’t exercise restraint (figuratively, in this instance lol). And while some may think a bunch of “look how domly I am” memes, “I wish I was owned” posts will get someone’s attention, they’re absolutely right. It will. But NOT always like they hoped. Because being thirsty, aggressive, arrogant and/argumentative isn’t sexy or appealing to everyone, y’all. You want someone to notice you? Be authentic. Respectful. Engaging. Funny. Confident. And of course, well hydrated lol.

Never forget that there are also sharks there as well, swimming alongside us. Bloodthirsty, aggressive as hell, not letting us continue to swim forward. Why not? Because they are hungry and will not be denied. Well fishies, what should we do about the sharks in the water? There are a few reasons why there are so many sharks in the ocean. There is plenty of food. The environment is very friendly and inviting for them. They like it where they are and they aren’t in a hurry to move. And that can make life in a vast ocean seem small, dangerous and hopeless at times.

Thirst and desperation are ruining the true nature of BDSM. Too many folks are on Social Media begging for dom/mes and subs. And a lot of them are not even working towards being worthy.

Education, patience, self control and commitment are critical.

Frequent Self Reflection is an important part of growth during the journey.

Ask yourself…

1. How did I become intrigued by BDSM?
2. How does it enhance my life?
3. How can I enhance someone else’s life?
4. What do I need to do to be worthy of someone’s dominance/submission?
5. Where/how do I begin?
6. What mistakes have I made/learned from so far?

Self Reflection will also help you identify if you are a regular fish or a shark yourself. And Self Reflection, Self Assessment and Self Regulation are not things that we do once then stop. It’s like Medication prescribed for long periods of time…you don’t stop taking it just because you feel better. You may observe that your perspective about things changes over time. Growth is a beautiful thing. But growth doesn’t just protect us from predators; it can prepare us for them. We’ll start to notice their patterns. What their preferences are. When we can discern how, when, where and who they target we can avoid a potentially disastrous outcome.

For instance…that seemingly harmless or well intentioned post/comment could create a feeding frenzy. Being mindful of what we say and do is critical. Is their response well intentioned or predatory? And no…not implying we can or should try to read people’s minds. this girl is talking about discernment. Being cautious and aware.

Take some time to focus. Figure out which direction you need to go and get going.

Bottom line…we may not be able to avoid sharks because after all this is their habitat, too. But we CAN become more comfortable and confident about swimming along with them while not becoming shark food.

Be safe out there, y’all. And for all the sharks out there…prepare to miss a few meals because of less opportunities. Okay, bye.

~ His Duchess

The post Swimming With Sharks appeared first on Free the Kink.