Last week we had a look at submission, and the fact that just being submissive doesn’t remove responsibility for one’s own well-being.  Awareness is an important thing for either side of the slash in any type of BDSM dynamic, and is going to weigh in heavily with this week’s topic: Sadism.

Sadism forms another common part of the acronym in the lifestyle, and refers to those who enjoy to inflict pain.  This is most common with Dominants who have submissives who are masochists but not limited to this, depending on the dynamic.  More topics we’ll address down the road, and next week we’ll be talking about masochists to conclude the basic rundown of the BDSM acronym.

So there’s a lot to consider when it comes to sadism, and much of it involves the physical, mental, and emotional state of everyone involved, which boils down to awareness of the situation.  This is going to bring into play another couple of acronyms on safety, like the common SSC mentioned prior.  This will all focus on safety, awareness, and responsibility, because when it comes to inflicting pain in this lifestyle, there are many things that can go wrong.  Here are our focal point for today:

– Safety and Responsibility

– Establishing Consent and Limitations

– Preparation and Precautions

– PRICK and RACK

– Aftercare

– Embracing Your Sadism

– Selfcare and Guilt Assessment

There’s a lot to consider when we look at this and think about what these points actually mean.  For experienced members of the community, the first few points are a given to maintain a healthy dynamic.  The last few may even escape the attention of some seasoned members of thew community, and that’s part of what we’re doing here today.  Let’s dive in.

Safety and Responsibility – The first and foremost thing for any sadist to consider is safety, to be sure that their submissive is safe regardless of the extremeties of pain being inflicted.  The next key point to consider is responsibility, and this includes being responsible for creating a safe environment to engage in play as well as taking responsibility if things go too far.

Establishing Consent and Limitations – It’s also very important to communicate prior to play about consent and limitations, particularly dealing with anything that could possibly cause physical injury, emotional distress, or mental trauma.  This means a detailed discussion that may include histories of past traumas, and knowing what is not acceptable during play.

Preparations and Precations – When you intend to engage in any sadistic behavior, it’s extremely important to prepare first.  Know your tools, know the limitations of your sub, and have a plan in place if things go wrong.  This leads to precautions, where you should have first aid on hand if it should be needed, water, blankets, comfort items, and an emergency contact.  This one goes for both sides of the slash, in case someone is too caught up in a frenzy to think about proper precautions.

PRICK and RACK – Now I’ve mentioned SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), and these two would be the evolution of that concept.  RACK would have followed SSC, and stands for Risk Awareness Consensual Kink.  This implies that all involved parties should be aware of the risks involved before consent.  The evolotion further goes unto PRICK, which stands for Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink.  This one takes it a step further, and focuses on folx taking responsibility for their knowledge and communication prior to the arrangement.

Aftercare – This is a topic you’ll see almost as much as communication and consent, but it’s really important here.  Many scenes that involve sadistic practices can be de-humanizing, brutal, and derogatory to a submissive, so aftercare is most often an essential focus.  The form it takes can vary from needing attention to needing time alone, but it needs to be addressed and includes any possible medical attention.

Embracing Your Sadism – The way society looks at this is like many aspects of our lifestyle, and they simply don’t understand it.  As a sadist myself, I have felt judgemental eyes on me based on how I handle a situation.  This even happens with partners in public, though I’m mindful on how I deal with things under watchful eyes.  For other sadists, this doesn’t change who we are or our place in this community.  Embrace who you are unapologetically, but be mindful of your submissive and your surroundings.

Selfcare and Guilt Assessment – This is relative to the previous bullet point, in the fact that we can sometimes feel guilt for the pain we inflict.  This is also something that needs to be addressed, and we have to accept the fact that sometimes we’ll need to take a moment to reflect.  This may even require that we take a moment to check in with our sub, and be sure that everything is ok.  This avoids potential Domdrop, which is another can of worms we’ll open up at a later date.

To wrap this all up, sadism is a very common practice in the lifestyle, but it also requires a great deal of awareness.  It includes being sure that your partner is willing to accomodate and especially enjoy as a masochist, and that you’re not coercing someone to suit your needs.

Next week we’ll be having a look at masochists and the role they play, which will conclude our general look at the BDSM acronym.  hope you have a great week, have fun and play safe, folx!

The post Sadism appeared first on Free the Kink.

Last week we discussed Discipline, the importance it serves in a BDSM dynamic, and some of the parts that help in establishing and maintaining discipline.  While discussing this I made mention of Dominants and submissives, which are both common roles each partner takes on in a BDSM based dynamic.  The next couple of weeks we’ll be taking a look at those roles, and hod they work within the dynamic.

This week we’ll be starting with a look at Domination, establishing dominance, and maintainging balance.  There are certain things all Dominants must learn that will assist in these goals, and many things they need to consider throughout the process of play or living the lifestyle (BDSM).  Today we’re going to have a general overview of some of the key elements involved such as:

–Dominant Responsibility

-Consent vs. Abuse

-Boundaries and Limitations

-Aftercare/Debriefing

-Planning Scenes

-Contracts

Now some of these could very easily be lumped together, but for the sake of discussion I’m going to give them their own bullet points.  These are all key things that Dominants need to consider, and submissives should know about to avoid potentially dangerous situations.  There are many philosophies that come with their own acronyms, an example being SSC (Safe Sane and Consensual) which is among the oldest and pretty self-explanatory.  We won’t be going into detail on these today but they are relative to the discussion, so they will be discussed in greater detail at a later date.

Dominant Responsibility – This is a very broad topic and can cover a lot of things, so we’re just going to summarize it for now.  One of the primary responsibilities a Dominant takes, on is the training and safety of their submissive/s.  They must ensure that they can create a secure environment, be sure the sub is given the knowledge on how best to serve them, and ensure their health and wellbeing.  These responsibilities aren’t just subject to their sub, but also to ensure they maintain their own heath and mental stability.  These few things alone can be daunting at times and that list goes on, but we’ll examine that in depth at a later point.

Consent vs. Abuse – Consent is a very important part of a BDSM lifestyle and a staple in the community for all BDSM practices.  This means that everyone involved must consent to what is happening prior to any play, and that they should have a safe word in place or some other way to remove consent.  It’s important to have established consent and respect when someone feels the need to stop, otherwise it becomes abuse.  A Dominant must understand that even in circumstances where the submissive is objectified, they are still a human being and should be treated as such.

Boundaries and Limitations – These are important to establish in any dynamic, and a Dominant should make sure that they understand and respect them.  Everyone has their physical, mental, and emotional limitations, even if they’re not sure what they are.  Part of maintaining a healthy dynamic is to discover what those limitations are and respect them, and the same goes for boundaries.  Boundaries are something we put in place for our own safety and security, and some submissives may have difficulty standing up and expressing them.  This is another time when a Dominant should take the initiative, by creating a safe space for the sub to express what they will and will not do.

Aftercare/Debriefing – After a scene is over a Dominant should ensure that proper aftercare is in place, and address the needs of the sub to avoid them feeling less than human or falling into subdrop.  The Dominant should also consider anything else that may be needed like first aid, to treat any wounds or other injuries.  There are many aspects of BDSM play that can be rough or very difficult to process, so a debriefing to discuss everything that happened is always a good idea.

Planning Scenes – Planning scenes in some way is always a responsible practice, to be sure that everyone knows what to expect.  This is where boundaries and limitations can be set, things can be consented to, and in many cases expectations can be discussed based on wants and needs.  It’s usually the Dominants responsibility to plan and direct a scene as it progresses, though newer practices can often find the submissive assisting.  There are also some circumstances where a submissive may be charged to plan or help exacute a scene for a less experienced sub.

Contracts – Contracts aren’t a widely common practice aside from the verbal sort, but in some more extreme cases they are necessary.  They are more common in M/s (Master/slave) dynamics, or instances where the Dominant wouldn’t ask for consent every time.  When someone establishes ‘free use’ or blanket consent in a dynamic, contracts are a good idea so the boundaries and limitations are in place before removing the ability to decline consent.  This can also be used for CNC (Consensual Non Consent) kinks, and all of these will be discussed in detail at a later date.

These are just some general aspects of what is required to establish and maintain Dominance in a BDSM dynamic, but it also takes a considerable amount of confidence and fortitude.  Dominance can make someone feel superhuman at times, but we are still human.  This is why selfcare and aftercare are commonly stressed among Dominants, less they burn out and enter a Domdrop.

As we continue moving forward, there will be many more terms that you may not know or understand.  With some time they will all be explained in detail, to broaden your horizons and help folx understand what kink lifestyles are all about, and that involves a considerable amount of integrity.

This is only the beginning of exploring Dominance, and there will be much more to come.  Next week we’ll be taking a general look at submission, which I did require a little help from submissives on where my focus should be, lol.  Have a great week, have fun and play safe, folx!

The post Domination appeared first on Free the Kink.

We’ve already mentioned that many dynamics adopt a D/s (Dominant/submissive) or M/s (Master/slave) heirarchy, and the purpose is to provide stability and training for the submissive to allow them to better serve their Dominant. To achieve this goal requires discipline and disciplinary action. Today we’re going to break down some of those actions and consequences.

To establish discipline in a dynamic, you need to establish rules and guidelines for the submissive to follow as well as positive and negative consequences based on their behavior. Here’s a short list of what we’ll be discussing today:

• Protocols
• Rituals
• Tasks/Chores
• Punishments
• Praise

These are all examples of key elements to establishing and maintaining discipline in a dynamic, and can be set in place to varying degrees. Some go all out and go for a 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange) where the dynamic is a central part of their day to day lives, and they may spend limited time outside of the boundaries set for that dynamic. Others may not find the time or energy to maintain this kind of dynamic, and will instead adopt high or low protocols for the times they decide it will be in effect such as at home or events.

Protocols – are a set of rules and guidelines to establish discipline in the dynamic, and they are to be followed whenever they are in place. High protocol refers to a very strict set of protocols, typically requiring the submissive to require permission from the Dominant to do anything. Low protocol tends to be a little more flexible and more friendly to vanilla atmospheres, so there will be situations in many dynamics where low protocol will be adopted.

Rituals – are certain practices that are established that are routine in nature, and come in various forms. This can vary from daily tasks, to the way services are rendered, and how the submissive is expected to react to the Dominant in specific circumstances, like arriving home.

Tasks/Chores – are fairly self explanatory, and can also be ritual in nature. These are more common staples in domestic discipline oriented dynamics, but are still present in most dynamics. They are simply tasks that a submissive is expected to complete on a regular basis, like maintaining the home and other services to the Dominant.

Punishment – is a very important factor when maintaining discipline, and is meant to help correct behavior more than it is to scold the submissive. It’s meant as a deterrent from bad behavior, or poor service. This can be administered in numerous ways, and as a Dominant myself, I like the punishment to ‘fit the crime’, lol.

Praise – is often overlooked when discussing discipline, but is just as important as punishments. A submissive still needs some positive affirmation when they are performing well, and especially when they perform beyond expectations. This also helps to provide incentive for them to continue to perform well, and can be as simple as an occasional “good girl/boy”.

In D/s-M/s dynamics it’s part of the Dominant’s responsibilities to establish and maintain discipline, and the submissive is to follow those guidelines set forth. This all must be consensual, particularly when it comes to protocols and punishments, and must not exceed anyone’s limitations. All that said, maintaining discipline in a dynamic can be greatly rewarding for both sides of the slash, helping with growth and strengthening bonds of trust.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s topic, and next week we’ll be talking about Domination. This will include the many responsibilities of the Dominant in the dynamic, to both their submissive and themself.

Have a great week, have fun and play safe, folx!

The post Discipline appeared first on Free the Kink.

Bondage in itself is a term that covers a lot of ground, whether you’re into some light bondage, full on bodysuits and rigs, or the many art forms of shibari rope bondage.  Some of you may be getting a bit wide eyed at the latter terms, and that’s why we’re here to help you understand them a bit better.  You may be used to some light bondage and a little uneasy about taking the next steps forward, so we’re going to help with that.

We’ll start with a quick breakdown of some of the different applications, such as:

– Removing Freedom of Movement

– Limiting Movement

– Sensory Deprivation

– Shibari Rope Bondage

This is just a general breakdown, but all involve some form of bondage using restraints such as cuffs, ropes, chains, etc.  Many of them involve limiting someone’s ability to move, but some are used as a form of display such as shibari rope corsets.

Removing Freedom of Movement – involves binding both the hands/arms and feet/legs, or sometimes a full body restraint, that makes a person unable to move about freely.

Limiting Movement – can be utilized in a vast number of ways, such as binding someone’s arms or wrists but leaving their legs free.  This allows them to be lead on a leash or kneel, but does not allow them to use their hands.  This can also include harnesses that are made to keep someone in a fixed position, such as keeping them on all fours.

Sensory Deprivation – is more of a kink that will be covered at a later date, but it often involves bondage.  This kink involves removing a person’s senses to enhance others, but their movement is frequently limited for the sake of play.  This includes removing their ability to touch, and can sometimes involve suits and apporatus designed to remove their ability to feel anything on their skin by covering it.  This also involves restraining and restricting their movement.

Shibari Rope Bondage – stands out amongst the others, as it derives from Japan as a high form of art.  This art form involves complex ties that create patterns along the contours of the body, and can often leave temporary marks that form their own enigmatic patterns.  I would also say it could be broken down into its own sub-categories:

– The Art of Restriction:  Many shibari ties are designed to become stronger as someone tries to free themselves.

– The Art of Suspension:  This is a very common form used by Riggers, who use Shibari to suspend their subjects in the air with an array of ropes.

– The Art of Display:  This is an aspect that is shared among all Shibari, as many ties are also designed to put the subject on display as living art.  It is also part of the work itself, displaying the skill of the Rigger and the intricacy of their ties.

Bondage comes in many forms and often involves some form of display.  It can be exhilerating, sexy, and fun, but it also involves a great deal of trust.  When you limit your ability to move and react, you’re putting your safety in someone else’s hands.  This is why it’s always a good idea to have safewords in place, and it’s also a good idea to have a way to get yourself out in case something goes wrong.

We’ll have more on these safety measures in the near future, and I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into the world of bondage.  We’ll be going over these topics in much more detail in future posts, while we’ll be having a look at Discipline and how it applies to dynamics next week.  Have a great week, have fun and play safe, folx!

The post Bondage- Under the Umbrella appeared first on Free the Kink.

BDSM and Kink (Our Thing) can have a complex relationship with stress. For some of us, BDSM/Kink activities can be a source of stress relief and relaxation, while for others, it can be a source of stress and anxiety.

On the one hand, BDSM can provide a healthy outlet for stress relief by:

• Providing a sense of control and agency
• Offering a healthy escape or distraction from daily worries
• Releasing endorphins and other feel-good hormones through physical activity
• Fostering a sense of connection and intimacy with a partner

On the other hand, BDSM can also be a source of stress and anxiety due to:

• Fear of vulnerability and surrender
• Pressure to perform or meet expectations
• Concerns about safety and consent
• Fear of judgment or rejection

BDSM relationships can be incredibly fulfilling, but they also come with unique challenges. Managing stress is crucial to maintaining healthy and enjoyable dynamics. Let’s explore a few ways to manage stress in Our Thing. A good start is through communication, consent, and care.

Communication. (Duh!)
Effective communication is essential in any relationship, and even more so in BDSM and Kink. We need to discuss our desires, boundaries, and stress levels regularly. This includes:

• Active listening
• Expressing needs and concerns
• Clarifying expectations
• Discussing limits and safe words

Consent.

Consent is a cornerstone of BDSM and kink. Ensuring enthusiastic and ongoing consent can help reduce stress and anxiety. Remember:

• Consent is an ongoing process
• Consent can be withdrawn at any time
• Respect everyone’s boundaries

Care.

Caring for yourself and your partner is vital in managing stress. This includes:

• Prioritizing self-care
• Supporting your partner’s well-being
• Engaging in stress-reducing activities together
• Showing appreciation and gratitude

To manage stress related to BDSM/Kink, it’s essential that we:

• Communicate openly and honestly with everyone involved about our desires and boundaries
• Establish clear consent and safe words
• Prioritize self-care and stress management techniques, such as meditation or exercise
• Seek support from trusted friends, mentors, or supportive mental health professionals
• Schedule regular check-ins
• Practice mindfulness and presence
• Set realistic expectations
• Embrace flexibility and adaptability

Managing stress in a BDSM and Kink requires effort and dedication from everyone involved. Remember to be patient, understanding, and compassionate with each other. Our Thing should be a positive and enjoyable experience that enhances our well-being, rather than exacerbates stress. By prioritizing communication, consent, and care, we will harness the stress-relieving potential of Our Thing while minimizing its stress-inducing aspects.

Thanks for reading, y’all.

• His Duchess

The post Oh, The STRESS! appeared first on Free the Kink.

What Is Wax Play?

Wax play involves dripping warm (not scalding!) wax onto the skin for a combination of mild pain and pleasure. The sensation is intense, but with proper precautions, it’s a safe and sensual way to explore your kinky side. Plus, it’s a great excuse to stock up on sexy candles!

Start with Safety

Before you start your masterpiece, let’s make sure you don’t accidentally set the mood—or your partner—on fire.

• Use the Right Candles: Avoid regular candles, which burn too hot. Opt for candles made specifically for wax play (soy or paraffin wax burns at a lower temperature).
• Test the Wax: Drip some wax on your own skin (like your wrist) to gauge the heat. If it’s too hot for you, it’s too hot for your partner.
• Prep Your Space: Lay down towels or a plastic sheet. Wax can be fun to clean off skin—not so much off your carpet.
• Mind Sensitive Areas: Drip wax on fleshy, non-sensitive areas like the back or thighs. Avoid the face or genitals unless you’re highly experienced.
• Be Prepared: Always keep a burn cream handy for aftercare and a fire extinguisher nearby.

!Don’t forget to extinguish your flame every time and never leave a lit candle unattended!

Sexy Wax Play Tips

• Build the Anticipation: Blindfold your partner and let them hear the candlelight crackle. The suspense will heighten the experience.
• Test Drips: Start from a height of 18-24 inches to let the wax cool slightly before it lands
• Height Matters: The higher you hold the candle, the cooler the wax will be when it lands. Experiment to find the perfect distance.
• Layer Up: Try building layers of wax for an intensified sensation and a cool visual effect.
• Temperature Play: Alternate between hot wax and ice cubes for a thrilling contrast that will keep your partner guessing.
• Colored Wax: Use different colored wax to create patterns or write sexy messages on your partner’s skin. It’s like body art but kinkier!

Common Wax Play Mishaps (and How to Avoid Them)

• Wax Everywhere!
  Wax can splatter if you’re not careful. Drip slowly and steady your hand for precision.
• Oops, Too Hot!
  Test the wax first and start dripping from a height. If it’s still too hot, hold the candle even higher or let the wax cool slightly in a spoon before applying it.
• Sticky Mess
  Peeling wax can be satisfying but messy. Use coconut oil or baby oil to loosen stubborn bits from the skin.

Cleaning Up Like a Pro

Cooled wax on skin can be peeled off easily, but wax on fabrics or furniture is a different story. If you do have a spill:

• Harden the wax by placing ice on it.
• Gently scrape it off with a credit card or plastic tool.
• Use a fabric-safe cleaner to tackle any residue.

Pro Tip: Disposable sheets can make cleanup effortless.

Wax play is the perfect mix of sensual, sexy, and just a touch daring. Whether you’re crafting a work of art on your partner’s back or adding it to a sensual night of teasing, this activity offers endless opportunities for fun and connection. Just remember the key to a hot time is communication, consent, research and a sense of humor.

Thank you to our sponsor this month Adam & Eve. Their support allows us to continue producing as much free education as we can for FTK members.

Ready to create your next hot scene? Check out Adam & Eve, they are giving all FTK Members 50% off 1 item, free shipping in the US and Canada as well as free rush processing when you use promo code “KINK” *Some exclusions may apply.

The post The Playful Guide to Wax Play appeared first on Free the Kink.

R: “Okay, a few folx have questions for you. Thanks again for doing this! Ready?”

B: “READY! Let’s do it!”

R: “What is the best and worst thing about your journey as a submissive?”

B: “The best thing is being able to explore the freedom of submission! Sounds weird as hell, I suppose. I’ll slow down. When I say freedom, I mean being able to serve with pleasure! I’m not worried about what others think anymore. I went through a LOT to get here! I’m not afraid of being hurt mentally, physically or emotionally. I love that after a wild day at work, I can shut it all out and enjoy serving. The worst thing was actually finding the one who freed me! The hustlers out there are relentless; even more so now! Searching with DISCERNMENT instead of desperation is a life changer!!! I desperately wanted a Domme! Unfortunately, when their actions don’t align with their words, it’s the worst. You end up trying harder to please someone who only sees you as sucker. And that, well, SUCKS!”

R: “Discernment instead of desperation…LOVE IT!”

B: “Society has been set up in such a way that men feel entitled to, well, EVERYTHING and ANYTHING we want! And when we decide we want to be a submissive, we figure it should be as simple as saying it, and BOOM, we get a Domme! The LOUD voice in our head that says, ‘Okay, we know what we want now! Let’s find it NOW!!! Offer yourself and let the fun begin!’ becomes desperation. The desperation gets worse the longer we search. The TINY SOFT VOICE we ignore that says, “You don’t know SHIT about this woman! Ask questions, jackass!” is our discernment. The key is to use discernment instead of surrendering to the desperation and THAT is easier said than done!”

R: “Ooooh…you went there!!! That’s something EVERY submissive struggles with! However, for men it’s worse because of the entitlement.”

B: “Exactly! Hopefully that answers the question.”

R: “Next question…Are you okay with spending money as part of your submission?”

B: “These questions aren’t fucking around! I figured it was like this…both of us are sharing space and time with each other. Her time is valuable and limited. Her attention and energy are precious. Her knowledge and experience is essential. When all of those things were available to me in a safe environment, I am absolutely okay with spending money! When dealing with a professional it’s required. This isn’t Pretty Woman in reverse. Falling in love isn’t the norm. We meet each other where we meet each other. That means where we search directly affects what we find. If social media is your source, be VERY cautious.”

R: “Some GEMS right there! Thank you! Last question today…What’s the safest way to put yourself out there?”

B: “Can’t answer that one for anyone else. As you know, I was very reckless in the beginning. I ended up at that horrible place being mistreated. Thought it was normal, the way it worked, so to speak. Then Domina swooped in and protected me. Never felt safe in that space before her. It taught me that if it doesn’t feel right, RUN. It also helped me realize that I had to clearly say what I needed, and if they weren’t listening, get the hell out of there. I learned about “interviews” (vetting.) After that, I fell back and focused on being more confident. I learned all I could about who I was, what I was, and why. ESPECIALLY why. And any bdsm space I found myself in, I watched. I learned the rules. I learned about the people. I watched how the rookies were treated. I watched how the Dominants carried themselves, interacted with submissives and their peers. And then came YOU!”

R: “Look at you, sweet as candy! Thanks for the insight, Brian.”

B: “My pleasure! Thank you and FTK for giving us a voice and listening!”

The post The Conversation Continues appeared first on Free the Kink.

When it comes to relationships, deciphering what you need versus what you want can feel like a tug of war between your inner toddler and your adult self. On one hand, you might think, “I need my partner to bring me breakfast in bed every Sunday.” But do you really need that? Or do you just want to feel pampered, which, let’s be honest, could also be achieved with a hot coffee and a compliment? Let’s break it down and add some humor to this journey of self discovery because nothing says “I’m learning about myself” like laughing along the way.

Needs (The Non Negotiable’s)

Let’s start with the essentials. Your needs in a relationship are the foundational elements that keep it from crumbling faster than a cookie under pressure. These are the things that, if missing, make the relationship unsustainable. Think of needs as the relationship equivalent to air, water, and Wi-Fi. You simply cannot function without them. And for many, needs may change over time as we learn more about ourselves. I know my needs have changed over the last 20 years.

Some common relationship needs might include

Trust (because who can handle a relationship built on paranoia? Not you.)

Respect (you’re not a doormat, so why let someone treat you like one?)

Communication (because guesswork is for guessing games, not love.)

Emotional support (having someone who’s got your back when you’re feeling like life’s punching bag.)

If any of these are consistently absent, it’s not just a “want” unfulfilled, it’s a deep need that’s being ignored. Without meeting these needs, your relationship will start to resemble a house built on sand, ready to collapse at the first sign of a storm. And when that house goes down, it’s not going to be pretty.

Wants (The Icing on the Cake)

Wants, on the other hand, are the nice to haves, the things that would make the relationship sparkle like a perfectly wrapped gift but without them, it won’t unravel. Think of wants as the Netflix subscription of your relationship, nice to have but not essential for survival.

Some wants might include

A partner who can cook like Gordon Ramsay. (Yes, please, but takeout exists.)

Weekend getaways to exotic destinations. (Wouldn’t hurt but your couch and Netflix can provide just as much relaxation.)

Someone who texts back within 0.3 seconds. (It’s nice for the ego, but they could just be doing real life stuff like driving or saving a kitten from a tree.)

Wants add flavor and excitement to the relationship, but here’s the kicker, you won’t always get what you want. And that’s okay. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “If I don’t get this, can I still be happy in this relationship?” If the answer is yes, then congratulations! You’ve identified a want.

Navigating the Not Getting What You Want Scenario

Now let’s dive into what happens when you don’t get what you want. In relationships, it’s like ordering a fancy meal and receiving a side salad instead. Disappointing? Sure. Worth ending things over? Probably not.
When faced with unmet wants, ask yourself,

Is this truly important? (Will the lack of breakfast in bed make or break my happiness?)

Can I compromise? (Maybe we settle for breakfast on the couch.)

Is it worth a conversation? (Some wants are worth communicating about if they affect your overall satisfaction, but don’t approach it like you’re starting a war over an unwashed dish.)

Relationships are about compromise. So, if your partner isn’t giving you every little thing you desire, it doesn’t mean they’re failing you. It just means you’re both humans, not relationship robots programmed to serve up perfection 24/7.

The Tricky Part, When Needs Aren’t Met

If your relationship isn’t meeting your core needs, then you’ve got a bigger issue on your hands than just missing out on your morning cappuccino. Needs are non negotiable, and if your partner consistently disregards them, it’s time to have a serious chat or reconsider if this relationship is serving your well being.

Here’s the key: never compromise on your needs. It’s like deciding to live without oxygen m, you can survive for a bit, but it won’t end well.

If you’re feeling unsupported, disrespected, or like communication is pulling teeth, it’s worth addressing head on. Don’t wait until you’re two years in, arguing about why they didn’t text you back when the root problem is something deeper. This is so important because you can share and communicate a need a million times but if your partner can’t handle it or won’t handle it, then it may be time to consider things further. Be clear, be direct and for the love of all things holy, be open to listening when your partner shares their needs, too. Some people would rather stick their head in the sand than deal with tough situations no matter what you do.

How to Decipher Needs vs. Wants

Here’s a little exercise for when you’re trying to determine if something is a need or a want:

Ask yourself: “If I don’t get this, can I function happily in this relationship?”
• If the answer is “no,” it’s probably a need.
• If the answer is “yes, but I’ll be a little cranky,” it’s likely a want.

Visualize the worst case scenario. Will not getting what you want lead to the relationship’s downfall, or will you both find a way to laugh about it later? If you can imagine the two of you chuckling over it down the road, it’s likely a want.

Be honest…

Sometimes we think something is a need because we’re upset in the moment. But if you take a deep breath and reflect, you might realize you can do without it (even if that “it” is your partner forgetting your birthday again).

You Can’t Always Get What You Want, But You Do Deserve What You Need

The Rolling Stones had it right, you can’t always get what you want. But in relationships, if you try sometimes, you find… you do get what you need. The trick is being honest with yourself, your partner, and learning to distinguish between the two.

Also it is really important to remember that our needs may change over time. This can lead to unfortunate situations but must be dealt with.

So next time you’re feeling unfulfilled, take a moment to ask yourself, “Is this something I need for my happiness and well being, or is it just a fleeting want?” With a little introspection and some humor along the way you can navigate the delicate balance between needs and wants like a pro. And hey, if all else fails, there’s always takeout.

The post Needs vs. Wants in Relationships appeared first on Free the Kink.

Heyyy, y’all! BDSM and Kink can be a fun and exciting way to explore your sexuality, but safety should always be a top priority. Please allow this girl to share a few essential safety tips for Our Thing to ensure a safe, enjoyable and transformative experience for all everyone involved.

*Communicate and Negotiate

Before engaging in any activity, communicate your desires, boundaries, and limits with your partner(s). Negotiate what you are comfortable with and speak up if that changes.

*Use Safety Words

A safety word is a predetermined word or signal that indicates when to stop the scene immediately. Choose a word that is easy to remember and not easily confused with other words. Keep in mind that for several folx a safe word isn’t necessary. Mind ya business and focus on YOUR own thing instead.

*Know Your Limits

It’s absolutely crucial that we are aware of our physical and emotional limits and don’t push ourselves beyond what we can handle. If you’re new to BDSM, try to start slowly and gradually increase intensity. And be completely honest about this with your partner(s), please.

*Use Protective Gear

Use protective gear such as condoms, gloves, and mouth guards to prevent injury and transmission of fluids until or unless you are fluid bound.

*Monitor Your Body

Pay attention to your body’s response before, during and after the scene and stop if you experience any discomfort or undesired pain.

*Aftercare

It’s important to remember that some folx do not need Aftercare. This is initially discussed during Vetting. For those who need it, after activities, engage in aftercare to ensure both partners are physically and emotionally comfortable. This may include cuddling, hydration, and discussion. Negotiate and plan out the specific type of Aftercare you need. This will help to avoid drop.

*Research and Education

Listen, y’all…we must continuously research and educate ourselves on BDSM techniques, safety, and best practices to ensure we safely learn and grow.

*Scene Planning

Plan your scene in advance, considering factors such as time, location, and equipment to name a few. Some of us have even taken time to write everything out in advance for review, negotiation, and troubleshooting.

*Emergency Preparedness

Have a plan in place for emergencies, including first aid kits and a phone nearby. Distress signals and check ins help mitigate this.

Bottom line…Remember, safety is everyone’s responsibility in the BDSM community. Prioritize Communication, Respect, Honesty, and Trust to create a positive and fulfilling experience each time.

this girl appreciates your valuable time.

~ His Duchess

The post Safety is the Subject appeared first on Free the Kink.

She smiled as she thought of him. She straightened herself up as she dialed. Two rings later, she saw the smile she spent a lot of time wiping off his face in various CONSENSUALLY decadent ways. “Hello there! You look fantastic as always! Hope everyone is doing well! I’m in between meetings but I’m looking forward to being of assistance!” She smiled even bigger. “Splendid. Let’s do this!”

*The following is a conversation between this girl and one of her toys in an effort to help everyone understand the male submissive perspective.

Q: Tell us a little about yourself.
A: “Okay. Georgia born, raised in Richmond, VA. Retired Army Officer and entrepreneur. Happily married to and in service to an amazing Goddess. Four children, seven Grandchildren. Three dogs. And former toy of Regina. As a male submissive, I’ve often found myself navigating a complex web of societal expectations and personal desires.”

Q: What are your thoughts about vulnerability regarding male subs?

A: “Right to it, I see! Society often equates masculinity with dominance and control. This makes things more challenging for men to embrace vulnerability. However, in BDSM, vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. As a toy, I’ve learned to surrender control, trusting you and my wife to safely guide me through experiences that push my boundaries.”

Q: And what about Power Exchange?
A: “Well…The power dynamic in BDSM relationships is often misunderstood! As a submissive, I don’t relinquish all control; instead, I choose to trust others with my well-being. This power exchange creates a sense of security, allowing me to explore my desires without fear of judgment.”

Q: And what about Communication and Trust?

A: “Well, hell…Effective communication is crucial in BDSM! I’ve learned to express my desires, limits, and fears openly, creating a foundation of trust. This trust allows us to navigate complex scenes and activities, knowing we’re both on the same page.”

Q: What are your thoughts on Intimacy and Connection?
A: “BDSM has taught me that intimacy extends far beyond physical touch! The emotional connection I share is built on mutual trust, respect, and vulnerability. Together we create a unique bond, fostering a deeper understanding of each other’s desires and needs. And that deepens connection and makes intimacy more meaningful.”

Q: You have said that you learned a LOT about yourself through this journey. Such as?
A: “My journey as a male submissive has been one of self-discovery. I’ve learned to embrace my desires, even when they challenge societal norms! After all…I was expected to be a hard ass, hard charging, tough but fair leader in the Army. BDSM has given me a platform to explore my identity, creativity, and intimacy in ways I never thought possible! I am empathetic AND empowered!”

Q: You ROCK! I know you’re pressed for time. Any last words?
A: Grazie, Regina! Well, I’ll end this with saying that BDSM from a male submissive perspective has given me a unique lens on power exchange, vulnerability, and intimacy. By embracing our desires and vulnerabilities, we can create deep connections and explore new horizons. And, as my grandson says, haters will hate. But I am forever grateful that I embraced the life and ignored the negativity! So glad you’re doing this for us, Regina!”

Q: Okay…now that we’ve touched on the basics…you already know what most folx want to hear about! Care to share some of the good stuff?
A: “Of course they do! Okay, let’s go there! Shall I wax poetic about the first time? Or the time I was struggling with it all and you and Domina Lucia went full primal on me?”

Q: Dealer’s choice.
A: Well…The time had come. After the endless talking, reading, studying, I felt ready! I really wasn’t, though. The excitement, thoughts, emotions, sensations were almost overwhelming. I distinctly recall your voice. Barely heard you. You were very soothing as you blindfolded me. You were scary calm as you commanded me to undress. I was a little shocked and embarrassed that I wasn’t hard. But I WAS excited! You reassured me that was temporary lol. I remember thinking about how cold the room was. As if reading my mind you informed me that you set the room temperature on purpose, and I would thank you later. And I totally did lol. I was frustrated about how much TALKING you were doing! I was ready for some ACTION! Lick your boots, crawl around barking, hop like a bunny, give you a massage, ANYTHING BUT MORE TALKING!”

Q: Even blindfolded, saw it all over your face. You understand why now, correct?
A: “Yes! You were monitoring me. Asking questions, making sure I was there with YOU, and not off in my head. Making sure I was aware of where I was and what was happening to me.”

Q: Did you appreciate the restraint?
A: “Oh YES! I loved the mental as much as the physical. It was exhilarating and agonizing at the same time!”

Q: How about after?
A: “The intimacy following the session was spectacular. Sensual, safe, and FUN! Learning that aftercare is necessary for me was crucial! I have also learned that it is not necessary for everyone.”

Q: What’s your most important advice regarding your brother subs?
A: “Protect yourself out here! Vetting is key! And guard yourself on social media!!! Don’t join a space and lose your mind trying to get attention. The scammers will flock to you while the actual Doms will run from you. Manage your frenzy. Your submission is strength! Anyone who thinks you’re less than because of your path can eff off! Leave that in!”

Q: Final question: What was the defining moment for you?
A: “Chastity! I learned how small and powerful I am! 30 years later and I still get locked up at HER leisure and I totally live for it!”

R: It was soooo good to reminisce with you, BRIAN. Geez, it STILL feels a little off not calling you toy or addressing you by your rank or title! lol! Thank you for sharing a little bit of your experience with us!
B: “It’s a pleasure. Back to life now. Arrividerci, Regina!”

Well…if you lasted this long… Thank you.

The post “A Conversation.” appeared first on Free the Kink.