When it comes to relationships, deciphering what you need versus what you want can feel like a tug of war between your inner toddler and your adult self. On one hand, you might think, “I need my partner to bring me breakfast in bed every Sunday.” But do you really need that? Or do you just want to feel pampered, which, let’s be honest, could also be achieved with a hot coffee and a compliment? Let’s break it down and add some humor to this journey of self discovery because nothing says “I’m learning about myself” like laughing along the way.

Needs (The Non Negotiable’s)

Let’s start with the essentials. Your needs in a relationship are the foundational elements that keep it from crumbling faster than a cookie under pressure. These are the things that, if missing, make the relationship unsustainable. Think of needs as the relationship equivalent to air, water, and Wi-Fi. You simply cannot function without them. And for many, needs may change over time as we learn more about ourselves. I know my needs have changed over the last 20 years.

Some common relationship needs might include

Trust (because who can handle a relationship built on paranoia? Not you.)

Respect (you’re not a doormat, so why let someone treat you like one?)

Communication (because guesswork is for guessing games, not love.)

Emotional support (having someone who’s got your back when you’re feeling like life’s punching bag.)

If any of these are consistently absent, it’s not just a “want” unfulfilled, it’s a deep need that’s being ignored. Without meeting these needs, your relationship will start to resemble a house built on sand, ready to collapse at the first sign of a storm. And when that house goes down, it’s not going to be pretty.

Wants (The Icing on the Cake)

Wants, on the other hand, are the nice to haves, the things that would make the relationship sparkle like a perfectly wrapped gift but without them, it won’t unravel. Think of wants as the Netflix subscription of your relationship, nice to have but not essential for survival.

Some wants might include

A partner who can cook like Gordon Ramsay. (Yes, please, but takeout exists.)

Weekend getaways to exotic destinations. (Wouldn’t hurt but your couch and Netflix can provide just as much relaxation.)

Someone who texts back within 0.3 seconds. (It’s nice for the ego, but they could just be doing real life stuff like driving or saving a kitten from a tree.)

Wants add flavor and excitement to the relationship, but here’s the kicker, you won’t always get what you want. And that’s okay. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “If I don’t get this, can I still be happy in this relationship?” If the answer is yes, then congratulations! You’ve identified a want.

Navigating the Not Getting What You Want Scenario

Now let’s dive into what happens when you don’t get what you want. In relationships, it’s like ordering a fancy meal and receiving a side salad instead. Disappointing? Sure. Worth ending things over? Probably not.
When faced with unmet wants, ask yourself,

Is this truly important? (Will the lack of breakfast in bed make or break my happiness?)

Can I compromise? (Maybe we settle for breakfast on the couch.)

Is it worth a conversation? (Some wants are worth communicating about if they affect your overall satisfaction, but don’t approach it like you’re starting a war over an unwashed dish.)

Relationships are about compromise. So, if your partner isn’t giving you every little thing you desire, it doesn’t mean they’re failing you. It just means you’re both humans, not relationship robots programmed to serve up perfection 24/7.

The Tricky Part, When Needs Aren’t Met

If your relationship isn’t meeting your core needs, then you’ve got a bigger issue on your hands than just missing out on your morning cappuccino. Needs are non negotiable, and if your partner consistently disregards them, it’s time to have a serious chat or reconsider if this relationship is serving your well being.

Here’s the key: never compromise on your needs. It’s like deciding to live without oxygen m, you can survive for a bit, but it won’t end well.

If you’re feeling unsupported, disrespected, or like communication is pulling teeth, it’s worth addressing head on. Don’t wait until you’re two years in, arguing about why they didn’t text you back when the root problem is something deeper. This is so important because you can share and communicate a need a million times but if your partner can’t handle it or won’t handle it, then it may be time to consider things further. Be clear, be direct and for the love of all things holy, be open to listening when your partner shares their needs, too. Some people would rather stick their head in the sand than deal with tough situations no matter what you do.

How to Decipher Needs vs. Wants

Here’s a little exercise for when you’re trying to determine if something is a need or a want:

Ask yourself: “If I don’t get this, can I function happily in this relationship?”
• If the answer is “no,” it’s probably a need.
• If the answer is “yes, but I’ll be a little cranky,” it’s likely a want.

Visualize the worst case scenario. Will not getting what you want lead to the relationship’s downfall, or will you both find a way to laugh about it later? If you can imagine the two of you chuckling over it down the road, it’s likely a want.

Be honest…

Sometimes we think something is a need because we’re upset in the moment. But if you take a deep breath and reflect, you might realize you can do without it (even if that “it” is your partner forgetting your birthday again).

You Can’t Always Get What You Want, But You Do Deserve What You Need

The Rolling Stones had it right, you can’t always get what you want. But in relationships, if you try sometimes, you find… you do get what you need. The trick is being honest with yourself, your partner, and learning to distinguish between the two.

Also it is really important to remember that our needs may change over time. This can lead to unfortunate situations but must be dealt with.

So next time you’re feeling unfulfilled, take a moment to ask yourself, “Is this something I need for my happiness and well being, or is it just a fleeting want?” With a little introspection and some humor along the way you can navigate the delicate balance between needs and wants like a pro. And hey, if all else fails, there’s always takeout.

The post Needs vs. Wants in Relationships appeared first on Free the Kink.

The Reality is Routine Can Creep In

First, let’s talk about the elephant in the room, routine. The very thing that gives you comfort such as knowing exactly when your partner will steal the covers can sometimes dull the excitement. It’s natural for couples to settle into patterns, but when your romantic life starts feeling more like a chore list or Christmas wish list rather than a wild adventure, it’s time to shake things up.

Challenge #1: Life’s Relentless Interruptions

It seems that as soon as you make plans to “spice things up,” life decides to intervene. The dog gets sick, the kids suddenly can’t find anything for school, or you both fall into bed after a long day just wanting to sleep for 12 hours straight. By the time you’re actually alone, your idea of getting wild is ordering Thai food without checking the Yelp reviews.

Solution

Make Time, Don’t Wait for Time

Scheduling intimacy might not sound sexy at first, but think of it like booking a vacation, anticipation builds excitement. Pencil in time for each other, but keep it flexible. Even if life throws a curveball, like the dog deciding your sexy mood music is their cue to howl along, laugh it off. Embrace those chaotic moments and make a point to focus on each other when it calms down.

Challenge #2: The Fear of Suggesting Something New

We get it. Suggesting something new can be intimidating, especially if you’ve been together a while. One of the most common questions at FTK is “how do I get my partner to try X?” It’s easy to worry about being judged or sounding like you’ve just read a “50 Tips to Woo Your Partner” listicle from 2011. But here’s the thing, novelty is key to excitement. It’s not about outlandish ideas or making drastic changes all at one time, it’s about exploring together in ways that make you both feel good.

Solution

Open Communication with a Side of Humor

The best way to approach this is with a dash of humor and openness. Say something like, “Hey, I read about this thing, and I thought it could be fun, what do you think?” Keep the conversation light and be open to their thoughts. The goal is to create a space where you can both be curious and playful, rather than nervous or self conscious.

If all else fails, you can always blame it on the internet: “So, I saw this thing on TikTok, and apparently everyone’s trying it…” Sometimes, just framing it as a bit of an adventure can take the pressure off and lead to a fun, shared experience.

Challenge #3: Navigating Mismatched Libidos

Here’s the not so secret truth about relationships, people have different levels of desire at different times. You might be ready to reenact a steamy romance scene while your partner is more in the mood for a nap after too many tacos. It’s a normal part of life, but it can cause frustration if you’re not careful.

Solution

Embrace the Ebbs and Flows

The key here is understanding and patience. Recognize that desire ebbs and flows naturally and rather than forcing the issue use it as an opportunity to connect in other ways. Sometimes, a slow burn is even better than a sudden spark. Offer affection in non physical forms like a backrub or a heartfelt compliment and let things evolve organically.

Of course, it helps if you can laugh about it. A well timed joke about “romancing the tacos” or pretending to “woo” your partner with your smooth cooking skills can diffuse any awkwardness. Especially for me because I can burn water. The idea is to stay connected even when things aren’t as hot and heavy as you’d like.

Challenge #4: Getting Out of a Rut

Every couple hits that point where they’ve tried all their go to moves and feel like they’re stuck in a loop. Same routine, same positions, same playlist, seriously, is it time to retire that one Marvin Gaye song yet?. The rut can leave you both feeling like you’ve plateaued.

Solution

Get Creative, Start Small

Expanding your intimate life doesn’t mean you have to leap into anything extreme. Start small, try changing up your environment, hotel stays or even camping in the backyard for a night, experimenting with different kinds of touch or playing with the mood lighting in your home. Bring humor into the mix, pretend like you’re characters from a movie, because who doesn’t like a little role play? Anything that breaks the routine can add freshness to your connection.

You can also try sharing fantasies in a light hearted way. Turn it into a game where each of you writes down an idea and you randomly pick one to explore together. The point isn’t to pressure anyone, it’s to laugh, connect and discover what feels fun and exciting.

Challenge #5: Feeling Out of Sync

You know that feeling where everything’s going great, except you’re just not in sync? You’re into candlelight, they’re into dim lamps. You’re ready for action but they’re thinking about tomorrow’s to do list. It happens to the best of us.

Solution

Build Emotional and Physical Intimacy Together

To sync up, focus on emotional connection as much as the physical side. Engage in activities that foster closeness whether it’s a long conversation, sharing a hobby or a spontaneous date or kink night. The closer you feel emotionally, the more likely you’ll feel in sync physically. Humor helps here, too.

Playfully acknowledge when you’re out of sync and use it as an opportunity to regroup, “Maybe we need a couple’s retreat, all the way to the fridge for snacks!”

Sometimes, just recognizing that you’re out of sync, sharing a laugh about it and trying again later can relieve the tension and bring you back together.

Keep the Fun Alive, Don’t Take It All Too Seriously

At the end of the day the secret to keeping your intimate life exciting is to not take it too seriously. Relationships thrive on fun, playfulness and humor, so don’t be afraid to laugh together, especially when things don’t go as planned. Stay curious about each other, communicate openly and most importantly, have fun.

Remember, expanding your intimate life doesn’t have to mean overhauling it, it’s about making small tweaks, exploring together and keeping a sense of adventure. Even if that adventure sometimes involves pizza, pajamas and reruns of your favorite show, you’re still building intimacy in ways that are uniquely yours. And that’s where the magic lies.

The post How to Keep the Spark Alive appeared first on Free the Kink.

While these dynamics offer deep connection and fulfillment, they also come with potential pitfalls when the power imbalance is not managed with care and responsibility. Let’s take a peek at some of the challenges that arise in power exchange relationships and how to avoid the common landmines.

The Allure of Power Imbalance

First, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room, the power imbalance is the whole point! The Dominant takes control, the submissive relinquishes it. Done. But that simple exchange is built on trust, vulnerability and mutual understanding without those foundations it can quickly tip from empowering to problematic.

The key appeal in these dynamics is the clear delineation of roles. The Dominant holds the reins, the submissive finds comfort in structure and both parties engage in a dance of give and take. Sounds amazing right? But here’s where things get tricky. Unlike a choreographed waltz, a power exchange dynamic is more like an improvisational dance. The Dominant needs to be careful not to crush toes, while the submissive needs to be able to voice when something doesn’t feel right all while still maintaining the agreed upon roles. In theory, that sounds so simple doesn’t it. 

The Weight of Responsibility, Dominant Beware! (Check out my 15 part series on the weight of ownership to fully understand this.) 

Being the Dominant may look glamorous from the outside, but it comes with heavy responsibilities, more than just wielding control. A Dominant must always keep the submissive’s well being at the forefront. This means being attentive, thoughtful and dare I say it, responsible. Fail in this task and the once thrilling dynamic can become a toxic power grab. As Uncle Ben famously said, “With great power comes great responsibility”, a mantra every Dominant should take to heart.

So, what can go wrong? Let’s look at a few potential pitfalls. If a Dominant doesn’t check in emotionally or mentally with their submissive, they risk creating a power vacuum that leads to neglect. Similarly, micromanaging every little detail without leaving room for autonomy can feel suffocating. Both extremes can cause emotional stress and anxiety, turning what was meant to be an empowering experience into a lopsided power struggle. No one signed up for that!

And let’s be real, being a control freak can be exhausting. Sure, having someone do your bidding sounds great in theory. I mean who wouldn’t want a well trained foot massage on demand? But it’s the emotional stewardship that can be the most taxing. Neglect that duty and you’re inviting problems like resentment, dependency or, brace yourself, a breakdown in trust.

The Submissive’s Dilemma, Finding Voice in Vulnerability

On the other side of the coin, we have the submissive. While it’s easy to assume that the submissive is living the carefree life, following instructions and basking in their Dominant’s attention, the reality is that their role also comes with way more than its fair share of complexities and responsibilities. 

A common challenge submissives face is the fear of speaking up when something feels wrong. After all, in a dynamic where “submission” is the name of the game, how do you assert yourself without breaking the flow? This is where the importance of trust comes into play. A healthy power exchange relies on the submissive being able to communicate their limits, desires and boundaries without fear of repercussions.

If the submissive feels too disempowered or silenced they risk losing their sense of agency. In a twisted paradox, the very structure designed to empower them (through relinquishment of control) can end up making them feel powerless in the worst way. This leads to emotional burnout, resentment or even a complete breakdown of the relationship. No one wins when the dynamic shifts from power exchange to power over.

The Thin Line Between Fun and Danger

Here’s where things get spicy and potentially dangerous. The thrill of a power exchange comes from pushing boundaries and exploring desires. But if either party takes things too far, it can cause lasting emotional or even physical harm. Think of the power imbalance like cooking with hot sauce, a little spice can be exhilarating, but too much and it’s five alarm fire territory.

Both parties need to keep communication front and center. Regular check ins, safe words and clear boundaries are non negotiable. Ignoring these essentials can turn a power exchange from exciting to downright harmful or miserable. 

Humor can be a great buffer for tension in power dynamics. A well timed joke from the Dominant can remind the submissive that while power is serious, it’s not meant to be stifling. Likewise, a submissive who isn’t afraid to crack a smile or share their discomfort with a light hearted comment can keep things from feeling too heavy. After all, even the strictest Dominant would agree that a sense of humor keeps a relationship fresh and prevents it from feeling like a dictatorship.

How to Avoid the Pitfalls

So, what’s the best way to navigate the choppy waters of power imbalance? Like any good relationship, it starts with a strong foundation. Both the Dominant and the submissive must come to the table with a shared understanding of what the dynamic means to them, their boundaries and their goals.

Communication is Key

Sounds simple, but it’s often the hardest part. Regular check ins help avoid the buildup of resentment or misunderstanding.

Set Clear Boundaries

Know where the lines are emotionally, physically and mentally. Without boundaries, things can spiral into chaos quickly.

Check in with Yourself 

Both parties should self reflect on whether the dynamic is working for them. Is the Dominant feeling overwhelmed by responsibility? Is the submissive feeling unheard? Adjustments are not only allowed, they’re encouraged!

Use Humor to Defuse Tension

When things get too heavy, don’t be afraid to lighten the mood. A power exchange doesn’t have to feel like a court of law.

In the end, power exchange dynamics can offer incredible intimacy, trust and excitement. And each one is completely different and unique. But like anything worthwhile, they require care, attention and self-awareness. Neglect the balance and you’re in for trouble

After all, in this intricate dance of Dominance and submission, it’s the moments of vulnerability, connection and yes, even laughter, that truly keep things in balance. So go ahead, keep the reins tight but don’t forget to loosen them up every once in a while and enjoy the ride.

The post The Power Imbalance in Power Exchange Dynamics  appeared first on Free the Kink.

Discrediting Your Feelings and Experiences

One significant sign of gaslighting is when someone undermines or dismisses your emotions, opinions, or experiences. They may tell you that you’re too sensitive, overreacting, or imagining things. By invalidating your feelings, the gaslighter gains control and makes you doubt your own judgment.

Constant Denial and Contradiction

Gaslighters often deny things they previously said or done, making you question your memory or perception of events. They might flat-out deny or refute their actions, causing confusion and self doubt. Consistent contradiction creates a sense of instability, leaving you feeling unsure and vulnerable.

Manipulative Distortion of Facts

Gaslighters frequently twist facts, manipulate information, or selectively omit details to shape a narrative that suits their agenda. They may alter events, make false accusations, or even present alternative realities. This intentional distortion of facts makes it difficult for you to trust your own judgment and memories.

Blaming and Shifting Responsibility

A gaslighter consistently avoids taking responsibility for their actions and instead places blame on others. They may shift blame onto you or make you feel guilty for their behavior. By deflecting accountability, they maintain power and control, leaving you feeling guilty and responsible for their actions.

Isolation and Alienation

Gaslighters often isolate their victims from friends, family, or support networks. They may criticize your relationships, discourage you from spending time with loved ones, or even spread rumors to damage your social connections. This isolation enhances their control over you, making you more dependent on them for validation and support.

Gradual Erosion of Self Confidence

Over time, gaslighting can erode your self confidence and self esteem. The gaslighter may constantly belittle you, question your abilities, or make you feel inadequate. Their relentless criticism and undermining gradually diminish your self worth, making you more susceptible to their manipulation.

Gaslighter as the “Authority”

Gaslighters often position themselves as the ultimate authority, using their perceived power and knowledge to assert control. They may act condescendingly, patronize you, or behave as if their opinions and perspectives are the only valid ones. By positioning themselves as the dominant authority figure, they further undermine your confidence and autonomy.

Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial in safeguarding your emotional well being and maintaining healthy relationships. Trust your instincts, seek support from trusted individuals, and consider professional help if needed. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, empathy, and honesty in all your relationships.

The post Recognizing the Signs of Gaslighting – Shedding Light on Manipulative Tactics appeared first on Free the Kink.

The pinch is the squeezing of the skin whether it be with the thumb and the finger, with an object or with multiple fingers. So simple, yet so many ways it can be used. Pinching can be uncomfortable, painful or even pleasurable and there can be many reasons one might choose to employee the pinch.

Sexual- So many ways the overlooked pinch can be deployed when it comes to erotic pursuits. Almost any part of the body can be pinched, most common in play is the butt, back, nipples, and genitals. Really when it comes to the pinch, use your imagination. Think of the scenes that could be created with the help of the pinch. Bottom bound, clamps or even clothespins placed on the body. The sharp bite as it is first applied,
then the revival of pain as the clamp is removed. Maybe it’s used in between an impact scene, a hard pinch on the butt to bring a different sensation. Don’t forget, even the pinch can be spiced up by adding in twists to the pinching to intensify its effect. Pinching can also be used to test the sensitivity of an area before play as well.

Punishment/ Correction- The pinch can be a subtle but effective method of correction. A light to hard pinch on the arm or the back can let your submissive know whatever is happening or being said needs to stop without anyone being any the wiser. Sometimes the pinch can be used for punishment in much less subtle ways like pinching the tongue, breasts or genitals with either the fingers or a device.

Attention- Especially in public, a submissive may be surrounded by outside stimuli, caught up in the moment a subtle command may go unnoticed. A quick pinch can bring focus back to the situation or alert the submissive that they need to paying attention.

Almost any part of the body can be pinched but caution should be used on any part of the body that may be difficult to pinch and pay attention to your partner as you vary the degree of pressure. This is not a comprehensive guide, just some ideas on how to use something so simple for big purposes.

Do you like to be pinched or pinch? Is pinching used in your dynamic? In what way?

The post The Art of the Pinch appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay, y’all. This one’s personal. this girl has told y’all about how she began her BDSM Journey…but today it’s about where she is now and some lessons learned along the way. At 51 years old, this girl is thriving. she has seen Our Thing come out of the shadows and into a Society that is sometimes welcoming and frustrating at the same time. Some of y’all are rolling your eyes already and others may have even stopped reading. That’s cool. Since the Internet is forever, this article will be here whenever you’re ready to dive back into it lol.

But if you’re still here, this girl wants to talk about Age and Experience. When this girl began, she was 24. her Mentors, Trainers and even submissives were all much older than she was. she was uncomfortable with it sometimes. Felt like it was, well, weird. Like, why were they STILL doing all this? And how? this girl resisted. Rebelled. Questioned a LOT of things. And THEN, she met Domina Lucia. The Queen Bee. The most badass Dominatrix in Italy. this girl had the enormous honor of receiving strikes and marks from Domina’s blessed hands. Domina later supervised this girl’s Training. The Plot Twist for this girl was…Domina Lucia was 57 years old. Domina chose her words carefully so when She spoke, EVERYONE listened. Well, not everyone lol. this girl challenged Domina because, well, you know. Domina grinned and always replied the same in Italian…”Live, little one.” And now, this girl finally understands.

Looking back, this girl’s struggles can be traced back to not remembering or heeding Domina’s words. See, now that this girl is the one who is asked, “Aren’t you getting to old for this?” by the youngins it’s making more sense. Now that this girl spends the majority of her time with folks over the age of 75, it’s making more sense. Now that there are middle aged and even older newbies exploring BDSM along with the young ones, it’s making more sense. Whether we are 18 or 81…no matter where we are in our journeys…we must live. And that means being vulnerable. Being willing to learn. Being compassionate. Being patient. Being authentic. Being honest.

So, let’s talk about Age first. this girl is not certain which is more frustrating; not being able to do all of the things we used to do, or not being able to do something you haven’t done but desire to do?  Having to adjust your kinks/fetishes or having to accept a way to give them up altogether because you simply can’t do them? It’s devastating. The bright side, if one can call it that, is Our Thing is so vast no one has ever done it all or knows it all. There will be people who will say, “You’re too old to be doing that” or “Aren’t you too old for BDSM?” The fact that they even ask this is evidence of their lack of understanding about what Our Thing is. EXACTLY like this girl was in the beginning of her journey. Sure, we can ignore them, cut them out of our lives altogether or take the opportunity to show them how well we can roast someone lol. That is an immediate rush and release. We can take the opportunity to educate them, help them understand that they may end up in the same situation. Or we can give them our own version of, “Live, little one.” After all…there’s only one way to avoid getting old and none of us wants to think about that, right? So in the meantime…eat well, get regular checkups, pay attention to our bodies before, during after any activity. Keep up with new trends, toys, tools, resources, etc. Research. Learn. Observe, Grow. Accept that we are changing physically and sometimes even mentally and that it affects us emotionally as well. Don’t give up! Keep going! But adjust and even go slower when necessary. Our lives aren’t over yet; just evolving. Find a Support System that will encourage, uplift and nurture us. Do the same for others. Share the funny or even embarrassing and emotional moments with those you are comfortable with. Another GLORIOUS thing about Our Thing is we are connected in so many ways. Complete strangers can become family. And families are ALWAYS growing larger!

Okay, let’s talk about Experience. First, the cliché…”We all have to start somewhere!” That’s also a fact. And it can be overwhelming and frustrating at ANY age. Not certain which is more frustrating…people assuming you do/don’t know anything because of your age or finding someone COMPETENT who is willing to share their experience with us? Whewww, chile. See, it’s like this…the “I’ve forgotten more than you know” bunch may be burnt out. People like this girl repeat “Educate each other” on a constant (and annoying, she knows some of y’all feel that way but oh well lol) loop, but guess what? That makes us a resource! So don’t stop just because there are folks that aren’t exactly open and receptive. We need to take a moment and check ourselves. “Am I open and receptive to someone else’s knowledge/experience/feedback?” And/or “Am I conveying my thoughts in a productive/inviting/non judgemental/informative/respectful way?” Or am I speaking and/responding like an a-hole? Remember…the message sent is not always the message received. Having more or having less experience doesn’t give us the right to be ugly to people. The world outside of Our Thing does that to us enough, don’t y’all think? Bottom Line…we will ALWAYS encounter people in various places along their journeys. So let’s find a way to help each other to keep going. Learn. Observe. Grow. Be patient. If someone in your Community is lost, help them find their way. If you are lost, reach out. Build a Support System that will encourage, uplift and nurture us. Do the same for others. Share the funny or even embarrassing and emotional moments with those you are comfortable with. Another GLORIOUS thing about Our Thing is we are connected in so many ways. Complete strangers can become family. And families are ALWAYS growing larger!

(Y’all see what this girl did there?)

Age and Experience aren’t things that divide us. They’re a very strong fiber that connects us. Look at it like a road trip. As we drive along the highway we may see some older model vehicles in front of us or in our rearview mirror. There may be vehicles with dealer tags. There may brand new vehicles we encounter as well. But we’re ALL trying to get somewhere safely, right? Are we going to race with perfect strangers? Are we going to run them off the road because their vehicles are older or newer than ours? No…we aren’t. We share the road with each other because, regardless of the age/condition of the vehicle we’re in, we all want to have a safe, enjoyable journey. We may even arrive at a destination and see some of the same travelers. That might be cool, right?

Listen…this girl is well aware that Age and Experience can be tough to navigate through. But acknowledging, understanding and accepting that will help us find our way. So with that in mind, several different groups of people on opposite ends of our journeys are already connected. So let’s help each other arrive safely. And sometimes all it takes is opening our minds and ears and shutting our mouths.

And with THAT final thought, this girl will shut up now.

Thanks for reading, y’all.

~His Duchess

The post “Travelers” appeared first on Free the Kink.

You may work in an office doing the corporate minion thing. You maybe a grade school teacher, a construction worker, a stay at home parent or whatever it is you do outside of BDSM. The question is, how does one go from Mr. Service Clerk or Ms. Corporate Administrator to “Sir Dragon” or “Mistress Divine”? In other words, how does one get into the Dominant frame of mind?

Some people are Dominants everywhere or most places in their lives, but in my experience that is pretty rare. And even then, there are things that they are going to do in a scene, places they are going to want to go within themselves, with their submissive, in the scene that are not a part of their everyday lives.

The person who feels naturally Dominant all of the time is not most of us and it is not who I am talking to here. If I may be so bold, those individuals probably need to work more on how to stop being Dominant in situations where it is not called for or working well…Such as with a boss or a cop that has pulled them over for speeding for example.

No one is going to be in charge all the time, everywhere.

Granted, some people might think they are, but most of us do not like them very much. I am writing this for most of us, who are Dominant in context…We step into a Dominant role either with a particular person, in a certain situation, particular areas of our relationship or when in a certain mood. Whether we are in a 24/7 relationship or playing with the lovely submissive we have met at the dungeon party. The one place we are going to want to be in our Dominant mode for sure is during a scene with our play partner.

So, when you have been the corporate grunt all day, been repairing the office computers, herding a group of kids, at school studying…Whatever it is that you typically spend your time doing in the bulk of your day to day activities, how do you make that shift from “Barbara the Barista” or “Daniel the Dad” to the Dominant of your partners hottest dreams and juiciest (but not too scary) nightmares?

Let us get this out of the way up front: Sometimes you do not.

That is the reality. If you are new to this you might not have figured that out yet, but just like sex, playing music, making bread and a lot of other creative or intimate things we do, sometimes you are in the zone and sometimes you are trying to get there while it teases just out of reach. Mostly, we are going to experience some combination of both of these states. This is totally normal and totally okay. Just show up as best you can, given where you are at and do not worry about it. No one is perfectly “on” all the time; we all have our off moments.

When I was performing in a cover band, one of the things we learned was that when we are having an off night or make a mistake (everyone does it sometimes), we had to accept it, carry on and realize that most of what we notice as being slightly “off” is not noticeable to others. I am not talking about when our submissive calls “red” or whatever your safe word is. If that happens, just stop. But what I am talking about is when you are thinking things like, “I’m just not feeling it like I usually do.” (Or think I ought to). “I’m sure they can tell.” “They are probably thinking I suck at this.”, “That Dominant over there really looks like they know what they’re doing,” yadda yadda.

Our brains are sometimes not our friends. And sometimes, they even tell awful lies.
If no fatal errors have occurred, just show up, do your best and carry on. Most likely, your mojo isn’t gone forever; there are just times when it’s stronger and things flow more than others.

As for my sins, being in Dominant space can be pretty intense. It is a kind of concentration of this part of us that is very powerful, can be very demanding and can run a lot of energy through our systems in a short period of time- emotional, mental, spiritual and physical. As sexy and beautiful and powerful as it can be, it can also be a lot of responsibility and sometimes draining. It can also be hard to make the shift from one kind of headspace to another.

There are a lot of techniques we use to make transitions throughout our day, our week. We do them so often that the actions themselves can help facilitate the shift in our energy. Loosening a tie, making tea, turning the ringer off, locking the door, going for a walk, bowing to a Sensei when we enter a Dojo, driving a certain route home from work that helps us “shake off the day”, soaking in a hot bath, pouring a drink, kneeling to pray, taking a deep breath…Our lives are infused with rituals that signal a shift in attention, energy, role. We’re so saturated with them that we often don’t even think about them.

Not only do rituals help us shift attitude, attention, mode, but the more we perform a certain ritual in a certain, way for a certain purpose, the ritual itself can become more and more powerful over time, more effective in signaling our psyches that it’s time to leave *that* behind and do *this* now.

For these reasons rituals can be very helpful in getting us and our submissives into the kind of headspace we want for our scene time. They can be simple or elaborate.

It is all up to you.

Examples of Ritual

* Before the submissive enters the room where we’re going to play, they undress, keep their eyes cast down and come to kneel at our feet, awaiting our word.
* Placing a collar around a submissive’s neck. I have a special collar for my submissive as well as my play partners. The longer I have been doing this, the sexier and more powerful the ritual becomes. I know something intense is about to go down and (If I have been playing with the same person for awhile), so do they.
* Laying toys out in a row, on a table. Some people have the submissive indicate which ones look interesting to them that night. You can then pick one of the ones they’ve chosen or intentionally not.
* Lighting candles.
* Putting on certain music.
* Wearing specific clothes or items of clothing.
* Some people have a spoken ritual they perform at the beginning of every scene:
Dominant: Why do you come here? Submissive: To be pleasing to my (Ma’am, Mistress, Sir, Lord and Master, etc.)
Or it can be much more informal:
Dominant: Are you ready? Submissive: Let’s do this.
* Drawing a bath for one or the other.
* Preparing the play space.
* A submissive waiting at the spanking bench with the toy bag.

It does not really matter what the rituals are. If you are new to BDSM and scene time with your partner, try some things that sound fun, sexy or powerful. You can work them out with your partner or come up with them yourself, keeping in mind what your partners hard limits are. They might be different when you play in public than they are when you play in private. There might be a short version for a D/s “quickie”, say before work; more elaborate for a longer weekend session (Or a weekend long session?)

Hmm…

Depending on your particular situation of course, it can be a wonderful thing to ask your submissive for feedback after scene time, in their journal, through email, or follow up conversations, and consider the information they give you when establishing your rituals.

Knowledge can be power.

If something works particularly well for them (Or does not work particularly well) it will benefit you to know. If you want to create intimacy and connection, for example, knowing their preferences will make it easier to create rituals that will foster that. If your goal with a scene is to play with making your submissive nervous, maybe slightly off balance or uncomfortable…Which I find can be totally fun.

Input can also be helpful. If they really, really like something, you can use that information to delightfully tease them with it by withholding it (also totally fun!).

Try new things. Discard things that do not work. If you hear of something that sounds really interesting or powerful, work it in and see how it fits for you. You might have a few core rituals that you settle on over time that you always do, with perhaps a few additional rituals that change depending on your mood or the type of scene you want to create.

All of us assume roles at different times in our lives for a variety of reasons. Rituals are one tool that can help us shift into our Dominant role and make our scene time more powerful, more of what we want it to be. Play with rituals, simple or complex, and see if they can help deepen the experience of D/s energies for you and your partner.

The post Getting Into Your Dominant Frame of Mind appeared first on Free the Kink.

Life happens, Y/y’all.This is true, indeed. Work, family, Y/you name it…it can get hectic. Mediating a family squabble when W/we have scheduled tasks. Y/y’all know how it goes. It would be perfect if all W/we had to do is serve; but E/everyone isn’t able. So we get pulled in a million different directions. Sometimes submissives can spend so much time and energy caring for O/others outside of our dynamic(s) that we struggle to take care of ourselves and stay focused on our service and submission. And of course, that affects us deeply.

this girl will share a little secret about herself with Y/y’all. she has an itch that only HE can masterfully scratch. she needs to feel each lash of the flogger as it hits her, each stinging strike of His hand, each hard thud of the heavy paddle. she is aching to feel the pain pound through every cell in her body each time His implement strikes her flesh. she has a strong desire to feel the pain; she craves it. Yes, she will suffer; and she’ll enjoy every glorious moment of that suffering. she is sure it would be hard for O/others to tell that she is enjoying the suffering. It probably looks like she is in agony. But what Y/you cannot see is…she yearns to feel the pain for its own sake. Well…there you have it. The classic overshare lol. The FLYGOD has helped this girl explore this and she is eternally grateful for His patience, guidance and Dominance. she knows she is definitely not the only one who experiences this. It becomes such a strong desire that we might become distracted and lose focus. Some of us will act out to get satisfaction; others will ask for it. Some Dominants use one particular tool to shift a submissive’s focus back to where it should be so we can serve them to the best of our ability. That tool is Maintenance. The most often used official definition of Maintenance is as follows:

main·te·nance

/ˈmānt(ə)nəns,

noun

1. the process of maintaining or preserving someone or something, or the state of being maintained.

All relationships need some form of Maintenance to keep the flame burning hot. Think of the relationship like a vehicle. When all the parts are functioning well, the vehicle has a much smoother ride. If not, the vehicle may make loud noises, sputter, shake or even stop functioning altogether. When W/we are aware of these things, W/we can take steps to prevent them or at least repair the damage. Vanillas might surprise each other with a gift, share a candlelit dinner, meet each other at the door in just undies or even naked. Whatever will bring things back on track and get O/our vehichle(s) back on the road again.

Dominant/submissive dynamics need Maintenance as well. Yes…routine is a major aspect of O/our Thing but that isn’t always possible. Vehicles can suddenly need repair, right? And knowing when to “take a look under the hood” and decide which tools can be used during Maintenance is an important skill.

There are literally a thousand different ideas, but it is really up to each individual to discuss, negotiate and decide how to maintain O/our dynamic(s). No one else can know exactly what will be specifically effective for anyone else. Y/y’all know how W/we’re always shaking O/our fists in the air, talking about how every dynamic is different, right? Well Maintenance is definitive proof that O/our Thing is vast and varied. Take an objective look at what’s going on, then get creative.

There are many types of Maintenance that are successful. And when W/we don’t know which one is the right one, Vetting will help with that. So, here W/we are…ready for Maintenance. What will it consist of for Y/you? Impact? Bondage? Dinner and a movie while plugged? Getting banged like you stole something? A bubble bath? Stuffie Party? Degradation? Forced Orgasms? Bottom line…W/we must do whatever W/we need to get O/our vehicles(s) back on the road and continue O/our journey, right? Okay…done with the “vehicle” analogy. Hang in there!

Y/y’all should know what comes next by now lol. Time for The Pillars!

*COMMUNICATION. Submissives, if you’d rather act out/hint around/etc when you need Maintenance, be clear about that during Vetting. If you prefer regularly scheduled Maintenance, say that. Dominants, if You prefer that submissives ask for it, say that. If you enjoy the acting out/get that “Act Right” scenario, let it be known. Bottom line is ask the question, “How can I help you remain focused and conent with your choice to be here?” And submissives, be prepared to have this discussion. Like most things, life happens and we evolve. So Maintenance may need to be adjusted to meet O/our evolving needs. So this is a topic that will need to be revisited often.

*HONESTY. Absolutely necessary. How can ANY of U/us truly be happy without being honest about O/our need for Maintenance? Don’t drop the ball by being dishonest or manipulative. And don’t be too proud to make it known that it’s time for a look “under the hood.”

*RESPECT. Well…during Vetting W/we learn a lot about each other. And if W/we discover some thoughts, actions, emotions that will affect our ability or willingness to be committed and focused, W/we must respect each other enough to make it known. Trying to be tough does more harm than good. Vulnerability earns respect, Y/y’all. And if W/we don’t respect each other…Maintenance won’t help U/us grow stronger. Also, W/we must respect O/ourselves enough to be vulnerable and brave enough to provide and receive Maintenance with gratitude and consideration.

*TRUST. When submissives have faith that our needs will be met, we feel seen and heard. When we feel seen and heard, we feel safe. When we feel safe, we become stronger. When we become stronger, we may even end up needing less and less Maintenance. Imagine that. When Dominants have faith that They are providing Maintenance when needed and it is effective, They feel appreciated. When They feel appreciated, they feel fulfilled. And if Their submissive(s) need less Maintenance, They consider it a reward for the trust between Them and Their submissive(s). submissives, trust the Dominant(s) to give us the Maintenance we need to function effectively. Dominants, trust Your submissive(s) to function better after Maintenance. Also, sometimes submissives may be on “Auto Pilot” and with everything else going on in our lives we may not even be aware that we are not “functioning” properly. So have that conversation. It builds trust.

Every Dynamic has many moving parts that must function properly at all times. And when a little work is needed to get things back on track, it deserves O/our best effort. Hope that made sense. Thank you for reading.

~His Duchess

The post “Tune Up Time!” appeared first on Free the Kink.

Heyyyy, y’all! If W/we want to authentically connect with each other, there needs to be a commitment to consistent Respect, Communication, Trust and Honesty. Please indulge this girl as she talks about Honesty for a bit.

And yes…this girl knows how some of Y/y’all feel reading that.  Some of Y/y’all may hear this and want to cringe. Many people think that being honest all the time is like an open invitation for trouble. But is it, though?

If done properly, transparency will release pent-up resentments and create fulfilling, deeply committed, intimate and drama-light (keeping it real!) dynamics.

Even the most honest people are not always completely honest with T/their Dominant(s) or submissive(s). That’s because many of U/us have learned how to hide O/our feelings in order to keep the peace or reinforce old, limiting beliefs. But in order to create an authentic and transparent dynamic, those automatic responses that serve to hide emotions must be unlearned.

Still with this girl? Good.

It helps to know what the barriers to absolute honesty are. (And that it’s not Y/your fault if Y/you learned to hide Y/your feelings in order to survive!) Recognize what stops Y/you from being open and give Y/yourself permission to let it go.

Some things that get in the way of absolute honesty are:

1) Y/you are trying to uphold a certain image in T/their eyes.Y/you fear the truth will ruin Y/your “reputation” so to speak.

2) Y/your original connection with each other was founded on the withholding of truth. This could mean hiding vulnerabilities, desires or even betrayals. In these cases, hiding the truth becomes a force of habit which outweighs the desire to be truly seen.

3) Y/you’re afraid of Y/your partner’s reaction.T/they may not like it, and Y/you fear T/they will withdraw or even leave. Or Y/you may fear how T/they will interpret whatever Y/you share with T/them.

Listen…the fear many of U/us carries inside U/us is much easier to let go of once W/we understand that all W/we can do is share O/our truth and W/we are not responsible for what O/others do with that information.

And more importantly, there are ways to be honest that greatly helps U/us connect with O/our Dominant(s) or submissive(s).

Being transparent and vulnerable is a way of being truly honest about O/ourselves. Sharing what’s happening inside U/us builds intimacy and trust in O/our dynamic(s). W/we could be hiding fear, anger, sadness, resentment, insecurity. W/we. Must. Let. It. Out. So. W/we. Can. Move. Forward.  In fact, at the deepest level, absolute honesty is rarely about anything else.

And that’s because intimacy and honesty is not about telling O/our Dominant(s) or submissive (s)  what W/we think of T/them. It’s about sharing observations about O/ourselves without blame, judgement or projection.

This requires vigilantly avoiding “Y/you statements” or any arguable interpretations. Anytime W/we speculate about T/their intentions or make judgments, W/we are heading into dangerous territory.

W/we may ask: “But what if there is something really bothering M/me about T/them?” In this case, W/we should share O/our observations with T/them. But W/we MUST relinquish control over the outcome and accept that T/they may not agree. However, if W/we focus on O/our own reactions, W/we are much more likely to be heard because W/we avoid putting T/them in a position to feel like T/they have to defend T/themselves.

Being absolutely honest with each other takes a commitment to owning O/our interpretations and assumptions rather than identifying with them,  and sharing observations about emotions. Remember, it is NOT an attempt to analyze or confront.

If this sounds tough, remember that committing to this is a game changer! Being truthful clears resentments, builds emotional connection, and allows U/us to be fully seen. It frees U/us for growth. It strengthens U/us as individuals as well as within O/our dynamic(s). And that is the whole point of healthy authentic relationships!

Remember….
In order to truly live out a commitment to absolute honesty W/we have to keep these three guidelines in mind at all times:

1) Whenever  W/we are upset, unsettled, disconnected, or blocking closeness with O/our Dominant(s) or submissive(s), focus on how W/we feel (not what W/we think). The key here is finding emotion words, not interpretations or assumptions. It helps to remember that it almost always comes down to only a few things: fear, sadness, anger, disappointment, insecurity.

2) After W/we have identified the emotion, W/we must try O/our damndest to ONLY share it as an observation about O/ourselves! For example: “When Y/you X, I noticed that I felt Y and I’m struggling with that now.” If W/we must share an interpretation, do it from the place of observation, not identification or indictment.  So rather than “Y/You totally disrespected me,” say “I interpreted what Y/you did as disrespect, and then I felt angry.” See the difference? The latter is much more difficult to argue with.

3) W/we should NEVER try to control how T/they respond. If T/they aren’t sure how to respond, or if W/we feel misunderstood, remember that by committing to these steps W/we are being honest and brave. W/we can feel confident that W/we have not “started any problems.” O/our partner’s reaction is about T/them , not U/us. Sometimes when one person makes a change, the O/other needs time to absorb this new way of being. But the vast majority of the time, honesty results in greater connection and intimacy right away.

If W/we follow these three rules, the blaming/judging aspects of O/our dynamic(s)will fade away and all the energy W/we spent trying to hide and even bury pieces of O/ourselves is now free to focus on building intimacy and strengthening each O/other!

Still here? Splendid!!!

And let’s not forgot the other side of the coin. When receiving this type of information W/we must listen and process it without judgment! Be approachable. If it will make this type of conversation easier, set up a specific protocol for it, such as time of day, location, words/phrases to use, duration, check on comprehension, follow up, etc. After all, O/our Thing often thrives on Protocol and structure, right? Sometimes a Joint Journal does the trick. One writes their feelings. The other reads them then writes a response. Then the follow up or check in can be a face to face conversation because by then E/everyone has all the information needed to come to a resolution. The key is respecting each other’s feelings, communicating effectively with each other, trusting each other to receive what’s being said without judgement and always being honest.

Almost done!

By the way…Even if O/our Dominant (s) or submissive (s) are not as invested in this commitment, if just one of U/us follows these, W/we will create inevitable positive changes in O/ourselves; even if that means the dynamic(s) may have to change or even end. Such is life, Y/y’all.

Bonus: This can be applied to any other interpersonal relationships W/we have as well!!!

It always comes back to The Pillars for this girl…Respect. Communication. Trust. Honesty.

this girl wholeheartedly appreciates Y/your time.

~His Duchess

The post “The Leap” appeared first on Free the Kink.

~His Duchess

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