Heyyy, y’all! submissives are typically seen as giving, self-sacrificing, and wholeheartedly dedicated to the needs and desires of their Dominant. Hear this girl out, though. The concept of a submissive being selfish at times can be not only beneficial but also crucial to a submissive’s health and the sustainability of our relationships. This may sound contrary to everything we know about submissiveness. A well-balanced approach to selfishness can strengthen the bond between Dominant and submissive, ensuring that everyone’s needs are met.

“Wtf, Regina?! Who wants a submissive who focuses on themselves???” Well…let’s just take a few minutes to talk about how that works.

Self-Care is a thing…even in OUR Thing

A submissive who never prioritizes their own needs can quickly become mentally, emotionally or physically drained. By being occasionally selfish—whether that means taking time for themselves, setting boundaries, or expressing personal needs—a submissive ensures that they can continue to invest in the relationship/dynamic in a healthy, sustainable way. Self-care allows a submissive to recharge and maintain emotional balance, which is critical for our well-being. A submissive who constantly sacrifices without regard for their own needs risks burnout, resentment, and even the breakdown of the relationship/dynamic. Selfishness in this context isn’t about neglecting the Dominant; it ensures the submissive is in a good emotional and physical space. When a submissive takes time to nurture themselves, we are better equipped to fulfill the desires and expectations of our Dominant.

Encouraging Honest Communication

Being selfish at times can encourage better communication between both partners. If a submissive is feeling overwhelmed or neglected, it is important that they communicate those feelings clearly rather than suppress them out of a desire to be “perfect.” Open and honest communication allows the Dominant to understand the submissive’s needs and prevents misunderstandings that could otherwise build over time. By advocating for themselves, submissives help to create an atmosphere where both partners are heard, understood, and respected. A submissive’s ability to express when they need something—whether it’s space, attention, or clarity—cultivates trust in the relationship. It allows everyone to address issues before they become serious problems, ensuring that everyone is satisfied and content.

Empowering and Encouraging a submissive

While submissives are often viewed as passive or secondary, there is importance in their role. This shift in perspective can help avoid a situation where the relationship/dynamic becomes stagnant. Dominants who understand and appreciate their submissive’s self-advocacy can better meet to their needs, making the power exchange richer and more fulfilling. A submissive’s assertiveness is determined by their Dominants. Moments of selfishness can be an empowering experience, helping submissives recognize and embrace that our role is not solely about giving to others outside of our relationship/dynamic. It helps us to say NO to things that don’t help US serve our Dominants.

Preventing Resentment and Neglect

No matter how devoted a submissive may be, human beings have needs that must be met. If those needs go unaddressed for too long, it can lead to feelings of resentment, which can ultimately harm the relationship/dynamic. Occasional selfishness ensures that the submissive is taking care of their needs, which prevents bitterness from creeping into the dynamic. Vetting and negotiation are critical times for this to take place. When submissives take the time to ensure their own needs are met, they are also helping their Dominant. After all, a submissive who is emotionally fulfilled is more capable of serving and submitting in a healthy, loving way. Neglecting oneself out of fear of appearing selfish can backfire, leading to deeper issues that could compromise the relationship/dynamic.

Healthy Boundaries

submissives who understand and clearly communicate their limits help establish a framework in which they can flourish. Dominants are attuned to their partner’s cues, leading to greater intimacy and satisfaction.

Bottom line…the occasional act of selfishness by the submissive is not only necessary and acceptable, it can be highly beneficial. It encourages self-care, honest communication, and personal growth, all while helping to maintain and improve our submission. When everyone feels respected and fulfilled, the relationship/dynamic becomes more sustainable and enriching. Selfishness, guided by our Dominant and in moderation, ensures that the submissive’s needs are met, which only enhances their ability to submit fully and wholeheartedly.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Selfishness and submission appeared first on Free the Kink.

While these dynamics offer deep connection and fulfillment, they also come with potential pitfalls when the power imbalance is not managed with care and responsibility. Let’s take a peek at some of the challenges that arise in power exchange relationships and how to avoid the common landmines.

The Allure of Power Imbalance

First, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room, the power imbalance is the whole point! The Dominant takes control, the submissive relinquishes it. Done. But that simple exchange is built on trust, vulnerability and mutual understanding without those foundations it can quickly tip from empowering to problematic.

The key appeal in these dynamics is the clear delineation of roles. The Dominant holds the reins, the submissive finds comfort in structure and both parties engage in a dance of give and take. Sounds amazing right? But here’s where things get tricky. Unlike a choreographed waltz, a power exchange dynamic is more like an improvisational dance. The Dominant needs to be careful not to crush toes, while the submissive needs to be able to voice when something doesn’t feel right all while still maintaining the agreed upon roles. In theory, that sounds so simple doesn’t it. 

The Weight of Responsibility, Dominant Beware! (Check out my 15 part series on the weight of ownership to fully understand this.) 

Being the Dominant may look glamorous from the outside, but it comes with heavy responsibilities, more than just wielding control. A Dominant must always keep the submissive’s well being at the forefront. This means being attentive, thoughtful and dare I say it, responsible. Fail in this task and the once thrilling dynamic can become a toxic power grab. As Uncle Ben famously said, “With great power comes great responsibility”, a mantra every Dominant should take to heart.

So, what can go wrong? Let’s look at a few potential pitfalls. If a Dominant doesn’t check in emotionally or mentally with their submissive, they risk creating a power vacuum that leads to neglect. Similarly, micromanaging every little detail without leaving room for autonomy can feel suffocating. Both extremes can cause emotional stress and anxiety, turning what was meant to be an empowering experience into a lopsided power struggle. No one signed up for that!

And let’s be real, being a control freak can be exhausting. Sure, having someone do your bidding sounds great in theory. I mean who wouldn’t want a well trained foot massage on demand? But it’s the emotional stewardship that can be the most taxing. Neglect that duty and you’re inviting problems like resentment, dependency or, brace yourself, a breakdown in trust.

The Submissive’s Dilemma, Finding Voice in Vulnerability

On the other side of the coin, we have the submissive. While it’s easy to assume that the submissive is living the carefree life, following instructions and basking in their Dominant’s attention, the reality is that their role also comes with way more than its fair share of complexities and responsibilities. 

A common challenge submissives face is the fear of speaking up when something feels wrong. After all, in a dynamic where “submission” is the name of the game, how do you assert yourself without breaking the flow? This is where the importance of trust comes into play. A healthy power exchange relies on the submissive being able to communicate their limits, desires and boundaries without fear of repercussions.

If the submissive feels too disempowered or silenced they risk losing their sense of agency. In a twisted paradox, the very structure designed to empower them (through relinquishment of control) can end up making them feel powerless in the worst way. This leads to emotional burnout, resentment or even a complete breakdown of the relationship. No one wins when the dynamic shifts from power exchange to power over.

The Thin Line Between Fun and Danger

Here’s where things get spicy and potentially dangerous. The thrill of a power exchange comes from pushing boundaries and exploring desires. But if either party takes things too far, it can cause lasting emotional or even physical harm. Think of the power imbalance like cooking with hot sauce, a little spice can be exhilarating, but too much and it’s five alarm fire territory.

Both parties need to keep communication front and center. Regular check ins, safe words and clear boundaries are non negotiable. Ignoring these essentials can turn a power exchange from exciting to downright harmful or miserable. 

Humor can be a great buffer for tension in power dynamics. A well timed joke from the Dominant can remind the submissive that while power is serious, it’s not meant to be stifling. Likewise, a submissive who isn’t afraid to crack a smile or share their discomfort with a light hearted comment can keep things from feeling too heavy. After all, even the strictest Dominant would agree that a sense of humor keeps a relationship fresh and prevents it from feeling like a dictatorship.

How to Avoid the Pitfalls

So, what’s the best way to navigate the choppy waters of power imbalance? Like any good relationship, it starts with a strong foundation. Both the Dominant and the submissive must come to the table with a shared understanding of what the dynamic means to them, their boundaries and their goals.

Communication is Key

Sounds simple, but it’s often the hardest part. Regular check ins help avoid the buildup of resentment or misunderstanding.

Set Clear Boundaries

Know where the lines are emotionally, physically and mentally. Without boundaries, things can spiral into chaos quickly.

Check in with Yourself 

Both parties should self reflect on whether the dynamic is working for them. Is the Dominant feeling overwhelmed by responsibility? Is the submissive feeling unheard? Adjustments are not only allowed, they’re encouraged!

Use Humor to Defuse Tension

When things get too heavy, don’t be afraid to lighten the mood. A power exchange doesn’t have to feel like a court of law.

In the end, power exchange dynamics can offer incredible intimacy, trust and excitement. And each one is completely different and unique. But like anything worthwhile, they require care, attention and self-awareness. Neglect the balance and you’re in for trouble

After all, in this intricate dance of Dominance and submission, it’s the moments of vulnerability, connection and yes, even laughter, that truly keep things in balance. So go ahead, keep the reins tight but don’t forget to loosen them up every once in a while and enjoy the ride.

The post The Power Imbalance in Power Exchange Dynamics  appeared first on Free the Kink.

Heyyy, y’all!!! When it comes to Our Thing, Time Management is not just a practical consideration; it’s an essential skill that affects the quality of both play and the dynamic(s). Whether you’re a Dominant, submissive, or switch, effectively managing time ensures that scenes are handled safely, consent is respected, and the dynamic remains fulfilling for everyone involved. Here’s a breakdown for y’all.

“Why tf is Time Management in BDSM important?” Well…Time is a critical element in BDSM for several reasons:

1. Safety. Many BDSM activities require careful attention to the timing of actions. For instance, bondage or breath play must be timed precisely to ensure the safety and well-being of the submissive.
2. Psychological Flow. A well-timed scene allows for a gradual build-up of intensity, leading to a more intense psychological experience for both sides of the slash. Rushing can break the mood, while dragging things out too long can lead to discomfort or disengagement.
3. Life Balance. For those who engage in BDSM as part of their lifestyle, balancing scenes, daily responsibilities, and personal time requires considerate, careful planning.

“Okay, cool! How do we set the stage?” Before we engage in any BDSM activity, it’s critical to have a pre-scene discussion. During the conversation, be sure to is cover:

1. Duration. How long the scene is expected to last. Everyone involved agrees on a tentative timeframe, keeping in mind the physical and emotional stamina required.
2. Timing of Activities. Map out the sequence of activities and their durations. For example, how long should the warm-up last? When does the peak intensity of the scene occur? This helps in maintaining the desired flow.
3. Check-Ins. Decide on specific intervals for check-ins, especially during intense play. This ensures that the submissive’s well-being is continuously monitored.
4. Life Constraints. Consider the timing within the context of your overall schedule. If you have commitments early the next morning, planning a scene that allows adequate recovery time is essential.

“It’s GO TIME! How do we stay in the scene?” Once the scene begins, time management is about maintaining the balance between following the plan and being flexible by doing the following:

1. Minding the Clock. Without letting it control your thoughts, keeping an eye on the time ensures that you stay within the agreed-upon limits.
2. Use of Safewords and/or Signals. These play a vital role in managing time. If a bottom/submissive uses a safeword or signal, the Top/Dominant must assess the situation, potentially adjusting the timing or intensity of the scene.
3. Adjustments. Be ready to alter the scene’s pacing based on real-time feedback. If the bottom/submissive is struggling or the energy feels off, it might be necessary to speed up or slow down.

“Okay, it’s over. Now what?” Well, Time Management doesn’t stop when the scene ends, y’all. For those who need it, Aftercare is an integral part of the BDSM experience, providing physical and emotional support as everyone decompresses following the scene. Some tips are:

1. Aftercare Timing. Plan for adequate aftercare. Some individuals may need none at all or a few minutes, while others might require an hour or more to fully decompress. Rushing this process can lead to emotional fallout.
2. Reflection. Set aside time for everyone to reflect on the scene. Discuss what worked, what didn’t, and how time was managed. This feedback loop is crucial for improving future sessions.

“My life is CRAZY busy! How do we make time for a QUALITY session?” For many of us, BDSM is a part of life rather than a specific timeframe. Here are some strategies for managing time in a way that allows BDSM to coexist with daily responsibilities:

1. Scheduling. Treat BDSM activities like any other important appointment. Scheduling scenes or training sessions in advance ensures that they fit within the broader context of life’s demands.
2. Prioritization. Understand that not every BDSM activity needs to be time-intensive. Shorter, more frequent sessions can be just as fulfilling as longer ones, y’all.
3. Communication. Regularly communicate with your partner(s) about everyone’s time constraints and needs. This ensures that all of you remain on the same page and can plan accordingly.
4. Flexibility. Life is everyone’s TRUE Master lol. While it’s important to plan, it’s equally critical to remain flexible. Sometimes, postponing a scene might be necessary to ensure that it can be fully enjoyed without distractions or stress.

“Yeah, okay I hear you! But…Why is timing so important in BDSM?”

Y’all…Time Management in BDSM is about more than just negotiating, creating, and keeping a schedule. It’s about creating a rhythm that enhances the Power Exchange and deepens the connection between partners. Whether you’re planning an elaborate scene or integrating BDSM into your daily life, mastering the art of Time Management will lead to more fulfilling and safer experiences for ALL of us.

Remember, the goal is not to control time rigidly but to flow with it, allowing Our Thing to flourish within the context of our lives.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post TICK TOCK! Time Management in BDSM appeared first on Free the Kink.

Today Free the Kinkers, we are going to talk about going to the internet to fulfill our desires. That’s right, we are talking about kink friendly dating apps! In today’s digital age, finding like-minded souls to explore your kinks and passions with has never been easier, thanks to the rise of kink friendly dating apps. Whether you’re curious about BDSM, seeking a playmate, dynamic or simply open minded connections, join us on a thrilling journey into the world of kink friendly dating apps. Discover how these platforms can ignite your love life, unleash your desires, and connect you with kindred spirits who share your craving for adventure and intimacy.

Embrace the World of Kink Friendly Dating Apps

1. Find Your Perfect Match

Kink friendly dating apps cater specifically to those with a taste for the adventurous side of relationships. These platforms provide a safe and inclusive space to explore your desires openly and without judgment. Whether you’re seeking a long term partner, a casual playmate, or a new friend to share your interests, these apps offer a diverse pool of potential matches eager to connect on a deeper level.

2. Creating Your Profile

Your profile is your gateway to attracting potential matches who resonate with your desires. Craft a profile that reflects your personality, interests, and what you’re seeking in a partner or playmate. Be clear about your kinks, boundaries, and expectations to ensure compatibility and mutual understanding from the start. Use engaging photos that capture your essence and showcase your interests, whether it’s attending a fetish event or indulging in your favorite kink activity.

3. Navigating Features and Filters

Explore the features and filters offered by kink friendly dating apps to refine your search and find the perfect match. Use search filters to specify preferences such as location, age range, kinks, and relationship preferences. Some apps offer advanced features like private messaging, group discussions, and event listings, allowing you to connect with the community and discover local gatherings, workshops, or munches where you can meet like minded individuals in person.

Engaging in Safe and Respectful Communication

1. Initiate Meaningful Conversations

Initiate conversations with potential matches who pique your interest. Start with a friendly greeting and a respectful inquiry about their profile or interests. Show genuine curiosity and respect for their boundaries and preferences. Whether you’re discussing favorite kinks, past experiences, or future desires, open communication is key to building trust and establishing a connection.

2. Honoring Consent and Boundaries

Respect for consent and boundaries is paramount in kink friendly dating. Always seek explicit consent before engaging in any form of communication with someone new. Discuss limits, expectations, and vet openly and honestly with your partner or playmate to ensure a safe and enjoyable experience for everyone involved. Remember, consent is enthusiastic, ongoing, and can be withdrawn at any time.

3. Vet, Vet and Vet Again

Meaningful conversations build trust between parties and allow for actual vetting. Vetting requires that you are asking questions about compatibility issues that matter to you. A deep dive into expectations is also part of the vetting process. References can also be a good way to further trust between parties as well.

Planning Your First Meet Up or Play Date

1. Arrange a Safe Meeting

When you feel ready to meet a potential match in person, prioritize safety and comfort. Choose a public location for your first meeting, such as a café, restaurant, or community event. Inform a trusted friend or loved one about your plans and location. Trust your instincts and take your time getting to know the person before deciding to proceed with more intimate activities.

2. Discuss Expectations and Limits

Before engaging in play or intimate activities, have a candid discussion about expectations, boundaries, and safety protocols, don’t leave anything out. Establish clear communication channels and agree on a safe word or signal to communicate discomfort or the need to pause or stop the interaction. Mutual respect and understanding create a foundation for a positive and fulfilling experience for both parties. We can’t say it enough, consent is enthusiastic, ongoing, and can be withdrawn at any time.

Kink Friendly Dating Apps to Explore

Here are some popular kink friendly dating apps to consider:

• FetLife: A social networking site for the BDSM, fetish, and kinky community.
• Fetster: A free dating site and social network for BDSM enthusiasts.
• Alt.com: A dating site for alternative lifestyles including BDSM, fetish, and kink.
• Whiplr: An app specifically for kinksters and BDSM enthusiasts seeking connections.
• KinkD: A kinky dating app for BDSM, fetish, and alternative lifestyles.
• BDSMdate: A community for exploring BDSM dating and kink connections.

Embrace Your Kinks with Confidence

Remember that your journey of self discovery and connection is uniquely yours to navigate. With open communication, respect for boundaries, and a sense of adventure, you can safely embrace your kinks with confidence and authenticity. Whether you’re diving into a new relationship or indulging in playful exploration, may these platforms enrich your love life and lead you to fulfilling connections that ignite your passion and fuel your desires.

The world of kink awaits your adventurous spirit—happy swiping!

The post Digital Desires: Kink Friendly Dating Apps and How to Use Them appeared first on Free the Kink.

1. Who the hell said that BDSM is a race or competition??? We see it every day…someone posts a photo/video/etc and the comments are littered with “I’m not as experienced as you guys!” or someone on that condescending, superior, arrogant type crap. Knock it off. We all have unique experiences and journeys. The phrase “Everyone is different” is a FACT. ACCEPT IT. Instead of trying to keep up with, copy, imitate, follow, obsess over, criticize, judge, shame, etc. someone else’s progress, we seriously need to focus on ourselves.
2. Y’all know that BDSM isn’t all about sex, right? Asking because whenever Our Thing is mentioned in some conversations things get sexual QUICKLY. Well, there are aspects of Our Thing that are not about penetration at all, y’all. It’s also more involved than what we may see in porn. There is a lot of mental gymnastics involved through Trust, Communication, Honesty and Respect. So try to remember that not every person involved in BDSM is into being tied up during sex, y’all.
3. Y’all know that there are STRAIGHT male submissives, right? So stop assuming shit because someone could assume things about you too because of what you’re into. No need to go further into this one.
4. Y’all know that there are MANY ways to be Poly, right? Ask questions, do some research, TALK ABOUT IT. Figure out where or how you fit. And if you aren’t about that life, speak up LOUDLY so everyone can hear you and keep moving forward on your journey. Be true to yourself first.
5. Y’all know ENTHUSIASTIC consent is critical, right? If there is an ambiguous response to a question or request, STOP. Make sure that everyone involved understands the difference between CONSENT and COERCION in the very beginning. It’s one of this girl’s Vetting Questions.
6. Y’all know you don’t have to attend a million events to be part of the Community, right? Of course it would be super cool to be able to travel and meet every living legend, author, expert, sexy smart person, etc. in the flesh or have some kinky fun with an icon, right? But then the bills come and bring us back to reality lol. After all…Our Thing can get expensive already without travel expenses, hotel stays, entry fees, etc in the mix. Budget for it. Attend when and if you can actually afford it. There are several online. And most major events are scheduled WAY in advance so you have months to plan for it if you want to attend.

That concludes THIS Reality Check. There will be more. Thanks for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post “Reality Check!” appeared first on Free the Kink.

BDSM is like an ocean…with depths no one has even reached, yet alone explored yet. So we’re swimming along and then BOOM…we join a BDSM/Kink Community online. And we love it! So many smart, funny, sexy, bold people!!! We are so excited we just want to dive in and start doing all manner of wild and fun shit! Yet that in no way means we shouldn’t exercise restraint (figuratively, in this instance lol). And while some may think a bunch of “look how domly I am” memes, “I wish I was owned” posts will get someone’s attention, they’re absolutely right. It will. But NOT always like they hoped. Because being thirsty, aggressive, arrogant and/argumentative isn’t sexy or appealing to everyone, y’all. You want someone to notice you? Be authentic. Respectful. Engaging. Funny. Confident. And of course, well hydrated lol.

Never forget that there are also sharks there as well, swimming alongside us. Bloodthirsty, aggressive as hell, not letting us continue to swim forward. Why not? Because they are hungry and will not be denied. Well fishies, what should we do about the sharks in the water? There are a few reasons why there are so many sharks in the ocean. There is plenty of food. The environment is very friendly and inviting for them. They like it where they are and they aren’t in a hurry to move. And that can make life in a vast ocean seem small, dangerous and hopeless at times.

Thirst and desperation are ruining the true nature of BDSM. Too many folks are on Social Media begging for dom/mes and subs. And a lot of them are not even working towards being worthy.

Education, patience, self control and commitment are critical.

Frequent Self Reflection is an important part of growth during the journey.

Ask yourself…

1. How did I become intrigued by BDSM?
2. How does it enhance my life?
3. How can I enhance someone else’s life?
4. What do I need to do to be worthy of someone’s dominance/submission?
5. Where/how do I begin?
6. What mistakes have I made/learned from so far?

Self Reflection will also help you identify if you are a regular fish or a shark yourself. And Self Reflection, Self Assessment and Self Regulation are not things that we do once then stop. It’s like Medication prescribed for long periods of time…you don’t stop taking it just because you feel better. You may observe that your perspective about things changes over time. Growth is a beautiful thing. But growth doesn’t just protect us from predators; it can prepare us for them. We’ll start to notice their patterns. What their preferences are. When we can discern how, when, where and who they target we can avoid a potentially disastrous outcome.

For instance…that seemingly harmless or well intentioned post/comment could create a feeding frenzy. Being mindful of what we say and do is critical. Is their response well intentioned or predatory? And no…not implying we can or should try to read people’s minds. this girl is talking about discernment. Being cautious and aware.

Take some time to focus. Figure out which direction you need to go and get going.

Bottom line…we may not be able to avoid sharks because after all this is their habitat, too. But we CAN become more comfortable and confident about swimming along with them while not becoming shark food.

Be safe out there, y’all. And for all the sharks out there…prepare to miss a few meals because of less opportunities. Okay, bye.

~ His Duchess

The post Swimming With Sharks appeared first on Free the Kink.

So…It’s been a hectic week, y’all. this girl has been absorbing knowledge from some very wise and experienced people for a while now. They reminded her about some things today that caused her to scrap her other article and start this one from scratch. The Elders were discussing Virtues and Values in relationships. And of course, this girl started to see the relevance to Our Thing. In her head, a puzzle was forming.

First set of pieces…the definitions.

VIRTUE: 1. Conformity to a standard of right : morality. a particular moral excellence. 2. a beneficial quality or power of a thing. 3. a commendable quality or trait; merit.

VALUE. the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.

Next group of pieces…A few of the Virtues and Values and how they relate to BDSM:

*Empathy for others. Having compassion for others helps everyone grow and learn. Empathy is critical because without it, it may cause a loss of trust and respect. Communication could shut down.

*Desire to learn. This is a journey with twists, turns, barriers, etc…without gaining and sharing knowledge the journey becomes even more challenging and frustrating. Expand your horizons constantly. Explore other aspects of Our Thing. Read. Attend seminars, Dungeons, etc. Observe. Listen. Ask questions. Journal.

*Concern for safety. Our Thing involves activities that can literally cause physical, emotional and mental harm. Being aware of this and being mindful of it in every interaction is import to everyone. Vetting and Negotiation helps with this. Being honest about our limits, fears and traumas will help keep us all safe.

*Honesty and integrity. Honesty is one of the Four Pillars Of BDSM. Integrity goes hand in hand. If a person’s integrity is in question, respect for them and anything they say or do will be severely affected. So tell the truth and strive to always be above reproach.

*Investment in the community. A lot of us may choose to do our own thing and others may not live close to an active community. Regardless of what we choose, there are ways we can still do our part. It could be as simple as mentoring, being active online in the platform of our choice, even encouraging others. A simple conversation with someone about a resource can go along way.

*Sense of humor and an willingness to laugh at oneself. Whewww…the potential and reality of shenanigans and giggles in Our Thing is real, y’all. It could be as simple as a meme, a funny memory, an engaging, amusing exchange, etc. Just try to have fun and see the humor wherever it may bubble up. Everyone appreciates and respects authenticity, right?

*Flexibility. Well…not just physically. We must be willing to adapt and adjust. For example…kneeling is one of this girl’s favorite things; but sometimes it just isn’t possible for her. So she adjusts instead. Keep an open mind and have several options available for situations we find ourselves in. Keep lines of Communication open so that adjustments can be made whenever necessary.

*Listening and communication skills. When people take the time to tell us something, we have ONE JOB…listen to them. When people are looking to us for guidance, support, etc we have ONE JOB…talk to them. Process everything. Ask questions as well as be prepared to answer them. It goes both ways. There will always be times when we all must either talk or listen. Sharpening these skills will help everyone we interact with.

*Self knowledge. Self Assessment, Self Evaluation, Self Correction…some things we must do often. Without knowing who we are, what we need, what our hopes, dreams, challenges, etc are…we can’t move forward. It helps us be honest and people respect those who know themselves.

Going even deeper, we can see how The Four Pillars fit in with these Virtues and Values like the four corner pieces of a simple puzzle. Though we know it’s not always simple, is it? We may try fitting pieces in the wrong places due to frenzy, burnout, loss, etc. But if we take a step away for a bit, regroup and then give it another try we may have more success. And out of our triumph, we can share what we learned with others and help them solve their puzzles as well.

Thanks for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Pillars And Puzzles appeared first on Free the Kink.

There are quite a few aspects of being a gentleman which might seem (At least on the surface) to actually be in a conflict with being a Dominant. Some may feel that it is even impossible to be both but I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is not only possible but even desirable to combine the two into something which is greater than either one alone. Anybody can intimidate a person with bullying tactics, harsh mannerisms and ill-tempered actions.

This is NOT Dominance.

Creating in someone the desire to obey requires a subtle…seduction. This can be achieved by being both confidant in yourself and elegant in your manner. It takes more than just barking orders, tying someone up and spanking them in order to inspire a willingess, a desire to do as you wish and be at your side.

When I was staying abroad, I attended a private dinner with my fellow Doms/Dommes etc. our respective submissives/slaves what have you. One submissive who was quite petite, was having difficulty in opening a door whilst carrying a somewhat heavy object. I walked over to her, opened the door for her and asked if she need some assistance to which she politely said no. After this, a male D/Type approached and started going on about what I was doing and what asking what kind of Dominant I was. Looking back he may have believed that the submissive was, in some manner, topping me from the bottom in order to complete her task. My response was simply stating that it was the right thing to do.

Chivalry may be wounded but it is not dead.

Did my actions inspire this submissive to fall to her knees and beg for a scene? No, she did not. I did not do it in order to seduce her. I did not do it to seduce anyone. My little submissive, Dahlia has seen me do things like this on many occasions. What does it make her think of me you ask? Well, you would have to ask her since words are one of the few things that I will not put in her mouth. I would like to think however that this side of me is a part of what inspires her to kneel before me.

Within my current BDSM relationship and with past ones, I believe there are aspects of gentlemanly behavior which forms a thread through what is shared. I hold open doors for her, I also open car doors in order to assist in entering and exiting (And become slightly irked when she opens the door for herself) I will say please when ordering her to do something and thank her when it is competed. When standing on a street, I will shield her from the wind and rain with my body. I take care of my little Dahlia. I help others who are in need and although I am not always successful, I try to be a Gentleman.

This is but a part of what is Matthias. Dominance with Gentlemanly good manners, elegance and grace (Again, thank you Mistress Sensory) is a awesome combination.

The post Gentleman D/Types or “Gentle-Doms” appeared first on Free the Kink.

Limiting his words was a struggle for him. She could see how it affected him. But he needed to learn a lesson about when to socialize and when to shut his damn mouth and be more considerate of her. She got him back on mission. He may be a powerful man…but he’s also her toy soldier who needs to remember his place. The beauty of her chosen correction is that no one else was aware. It didn’t affect anyone else but him. No one else knew his heart was pounding, he had goosebumps and he was flexing his toes in his shoes to keep his composure. As the Announcement for everyone to head to their seats was made, she raised her glass to him and smiled. His count was 39. Well below the 50 word limit she gave him. Well done.

Heyyy, y’all! Let’s talk about Speech Restrictions, shall we? It is EXACTLY what it sounds like it is. A Dominant limiting or restricting a submissive’s speech. Yeah…there are MANY of you who will read that and say, “HELL no!” and that’s perfectly fine. During this girl’s Training, Domina restricted her to 150 words per day in Social Situations. It. Was. AGONY. Keeping count, figuring out when and how to use her limited words, trying not to show how freaked out she was, etc. But the things this girl learned about herself during the experience are beyond measure.
Some ways that Speech Restrictions take place are…

*Some Dominants might insist their partners are totally silent.

*Some Dominants allow forming sounds but not words.

*Some dominants restrict the speech patterns of their submissives.

*Some Dominants require their submissives to use only a limited vocabulary or set a specific number of words spoken.

All can be quite effective when used under the right conditions according to their particular dynamic(s).

Speech restriction may be a part of play during a scene or outside it. For example, submissives may never be able to speak at parties or they may need to ask permission before speaking at social gatherings. Dominants may occasionally choose to restrict a submissive’s speech or whenever certain circumstances or situations arise. It can also be helpful to increase focus and sharpen Active Listening skills as well.

Speech is an important method of Communication for us. So having this function restricted or removed can be frustrating and even demoralizing. For this reason, Speech Restrictions may be used to punish, humiliate, or reinforce power roles within a BDSM relationship by getting everyone back on mission so to speak.

Submissives during Speech Restrictions may feel helpless, vulnerable, and even “more submissive.” This may even help them reach subspace, or enter this phase faster or more deeply than other submissives. Some submissives may enjoy the feelings that come with Speech Restrictions while for others the experience may be absolutely overwhelming. Reactions to Speech Restrictions are very likely to be linked to the degree/type of restriction placed on submissives.

Time for The Pillars, y’all!

COMMUNICATION. Speech Restrictions are definitely something that is a likely topic during Vetting. Also, talk about it before, during and after Restrictions take place. So talk it through whenever possible.

RESPECT. While some of us may see this as an opportunity to test boundaries, be careful with that. After all…if the purpose is to correct behavior, it will get WORSE before it gets better. Just sayin’.

HONESTY. If it’s not your thing, SAY THAT! If you tried it and hated it, SPEAK UP! If you’re curious and would like to try it, SAY THAT! If it’s a part of your dynamic(s), be up front and transparent about WHY it’s happening in the first place. Just be honest about it, hell.

TRUST. Without unshakable trust, not being able to speak/communicate can be an absolute nightmare. The purpose of Speech Restrictions will be lost in the feelings of betrayal and despair. So work extra hard to build and maintain trust.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post “Shhhhh…” appeared first on Free the Kink.

It was a hectic day at work. she worked outside and during December in Germany, driving a forklift can be brutal. As she drove toward the loading dock, she saw him. The Warehouse Supervisor. The Soldier in charge. Standing there, looking uncomfortable. She parked the forklift and walked toward him. “You can come in and help with Receiving. It’s too cold out there.” She smiled as she noticed how he was standing. “Thank you. I should be able to thaw before dinner time now.” She shook her keys as she walked past him. Later that night, as she drove to her destination, she smiled while touching her keychain. Upon arrival, she walked into the building and unlocked a door. It was dimly lit as she walked in. Walking past the bathroom into the main area, she saw him…kneeling…and naked. “Good evening, Regina. the toy has been waiting and is ready to serve, Queen.” She took off her coat and stood quietly in front of him. “Excellent. Inspection, toy.” the toy slowly stood up and assumed the position. She checked his cage. “Has the toy tampered with this?!” As she gently tapped on it, the toy flinched. “Never, Regina.” the toy gasped as she traced the key in her hand across the toy’s lips, shoulders, neck, nipples and around the toy’s navel. “Is the toy worthy?” She smiled as she looked down at the Chastity Cage the toy has been wearing for a week this time. Over a period of months she has been working with the toy. Being patient and transparent. Talking about hygiene, good/bad habits, sleeping, arousal and orgasms, everything. She is proud of the toy. “the toy is never worthy, Regina.” As she took the toy’s chin in her hand and turned his face toward her to meet her gaze she smiled and whispered, “Interesting. Let’s work on that, shall we? Wall. NOW.” She heard the toy whimper then assume the position. the next thing the toy felt and heard was the familiar whoosh of air as she wound up her flogger. “Congratulations! The toy soldier is worthy of 7 strikes!”

Heyyy, y’all! this girl has been having some conversations with the amazing male submissives in her orbit. One of the things she has discovered is that they have varied viewpoints about Chastity.

For those who aren’t familiar with Chastity, let’s start with the dictionary definition, which is “the state or practice of refraining from extramarital, or especially from all, sexual intercourse.” Well, the Kink definition is pretty much the same. Male submissives who indulge in Chastity might avoid penetration only or any type of sexual activity altogether. And that includes Masturbation. So it’s understandable why some simply aren’t into it. this girl had one toy that was VERY enthusiastic about Chastity and even enjoyed wearing a Chastity Cage because of not being able to be aroused without being in this girl’s presence. Another toy said that the concept of Chastity wasn’t going to work because his wife was against it and our dynamic was more about Service and Worship.

Speaking of a Chastity Cage…for those who aren’t familiar with them…is a brief overview alright?

A Chastity Cage is a device used to prevent a man from getting an erection and therefore controls his ability to masturbate and/or have sex and orgasms. It covers the penis and prevents the man from touching it. It can also make erections uncomfortable. It often has a lock attached and the person who has the key is usually a Dominant/Top, also known as a Keyholder. Once again, keep in mind that this is something that definitely requires safety and consent. So PLEASE bring it up during Vetting!

Chastity is a very personal and intimate experience. It takes Communication, Commitment, Consistency, Caution and of course, Consent. Time for the Pillars.

COMMUNICATION. As this girl mentioned earlier, she discovered through Vetting what her toys’ viewpoints were concerning Chastity. But the communication continued. Before, during and after being in Chastity. There is much to learn about each other. Talk about how it feels mentally, physically, emotionally. Talk about observations and Lessons Learned. Just TALK, dangit!

HONESTY. If Chastity is not for you, say that! If Chastity does it for you, say that! If you’d prefer a different device and/or method for Chastity, SPEAK UP! Don’t withhold the truth from each other. Otherwise it will affect other areas of your relationship/dynamic.

TRUST. If you haven’t established trust between each other, Chastity is stressful as hell. You’re wearing a device you don’t even have the key for. And what if there’s an emergency? There should be absolutely no doubt you are safe and your needs will be met. There should be absolutely no doubt that they won’t tamper with the device and/or find ways to violate Chastity. So take the necessary steps to build trust before engaging in Chastity.

RESPECT. Chastity is important to those who engage in it. Honor that. Be available to each other. The responsiblity and honor that comes with being a Keyholder is enormous. Take it seriously. Take Chastity seriously. It is a commitment that should be appreciated. And if you aren’t on the same page after progressing along your Journeys…respect each other’s feelings.

this girl wholeheartedly appreciated her toys and is in absolute awe of male submissives because they are stronger and more courageous than most of us even realize. It’s an absolute honor and pleasure to share this journey with them.

****Okay, I’ll say it…if you are one of those individuals who mock, disrespect or otherwise talk trash about male submissives (unless that’s their kink, of course)…KNOCK IT OFF before you run up on one whose Dom/me will allow them to knuckle up and beat the brakes off your ignorant asses. Ya dig?

Thanks for reading.

~His Duchess

The post “Lock & Key” appeared first on Free the Kink.