communication Archives - Free the Kink https://freethekink.com/tag/communication/ Tue, 29 Oct 2024 14:14:13 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.6.2 https://freethekink.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/cropped-Free-the-Kink_4-32x32.png communication Archives - Free the Kink https://freethekink.com/tag/communication/ 32 32 Safety is the Subject https://freethekink.com/safety-is-the-subject/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=safety-is-the-subject https://freethekink.com/safety-is-the-subject/#respond Sun, 27 Oct 2024 08:00:00 +0000 https://freethekink.com/?p=1513 Welp…here she is AGAIN…restrained and ready. Also anxious and excited. Then her favorite sound…HIS VOICE. “Before the gag is in place, let’s review the taps, slave.” she steadied herself and said, “One tap for physical, Lord. Two taps for mental, Lord. Three taps for spiritual, Lord. Four taps for emotional, Lord.” He lovingly squeezed her...

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Welp…here she is AGAIN…restrained and ready. Also anxious and excited. Then her favorite sound…HIS VOICE. “Before the gag is in place, let’s review the taps, slave.” she steadied herself and said, “One tap for physical, Lord. Two taps for mental, Lord. Three taps for spiritual, Lord. Four taps for emotional, Lord.” He lovingly squeezed her toes. “Well done, slave. Let’s get it.” A wave of peace and stillness replaced the anxiety as she thought to herself, “she is amazingly protected.”

Heyyy, y’all! BDSM and Kink can be a fun and exciting way to explore your sexuality, but safety should always be a top priority. Please allow this girl to share a few essential safety tips for Our Thing to ensure a safe, enjoyable and transformative experience for all everyone involved.

*Communicate and Negotiate

Before engaging in any activity, communicate your desires, boundaries, and limits with your partner(s). Negotiate what you are comfortable with and speak up if that changes.

*Use Safety Words

A safety word is a predetermined word or signal that indicates when to stop the scene immediately. Choose a word that is easy to remember and not easily confused with other words. Keep in mind that for several folx a safe word isn’t necessary. Mind ya business and focus on YOUR own thing instead.

*Know Your Limits

It’s absolutely crucial that we are aware of our physical and emotional limits and don’t push ourselves beyond what we can handle. If you’re new to BDSM, try to start slowly and gradually increase intensity. And be completely honest about this with your partner(s), please.

*Use Protective Gear

Use protective gear such as condoms, gloves, and mouth guards to prevent injury and transmission of fluids until or unless you are fluid bound.

*Monitor Your Body

Pay attention to your body’s response before, during and after the scene and stop if you experience any discomfort or undesired pain.

*Aftercare

It’s important to remember that some folx do not need Aftercare. This is initially discussed during Vetting. For those who need it, after activities, engage in aftercare to ensure both partners are physically and emotionally comfortable. This may include cuddling, hydration, and discussion. Negotiate and plan out the specific type of Aftercare you need. This will help to avoid drop.

*Research and Education

Listen, y’all…we must continuously research and educate ourselves on BDSM techniques, safety, and best practices to ensure we safely learn and grow.

*Scene Planning

Plan your scene in advance, considering factors such as time, location, and equipment to name a few. Some of us have even taken time to write everything out in advance for review, negotiation, and troubleshooting.

*Emergency Preparedness

Have a plan in place for emergencies, including first aid kits and a phone nearby. Distress signals and check ins help mitigate this.

Bottom line…Remember, safety is everyone’s responsibility in the BDSM community. Prioritize Communication, Respect, Honesty, and Trust to create a positive and fulfilling experience each time.

this girl appreciates your valuable time.

~ His Duchess

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The Cat’s Out Of The Bag! https://freethekink.com/the-cats-out-of-the-bag/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-cats-out-of-the-bag https://freethekink.com/the-cats-out-of-the-bag/#respond Wed, 01 Sep 2021 04:16:00 +0000 https://freethekink.com/?p=749 Okay…let’s get into this. Some of U/us spent years leading double lives. W/we work, socialize, raise families, etc…all while having desires and needs that most folks might consider dangerous. Losing custody of children, breaking the law type dangerous. So W/we kept a large part of who W/we truly are hidden. We might do this because...

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Okay…let’s get into this. Some of U/us spent years leading double lives. W/we work, socialize, raise families, etc…all while having desires and needs that most folks might consider dangerous. Losing custody of children, breaking the law type dangerous. So W/we kept a large part of who W/we truly are hidden. We might do this because there are circumstances that prevent U/us from coming out so we don’t eff around and jeopardize O/our jobs, families, etc. E/everyone’s situation is different. this girl could be herself around her Inner Circle but had to be careful elsewhere due to her profession. And that gave her peace. W/we must all take inventory of O/our lives before, during and after taking the steps to disclose. Do whatever brings Y/you peace. After all…it’s O/our Thing first and foremost, right? But for some, W/we decide to share that part of O/ourselves with people W/we love and trust completely. A big gamble. So…W/we tell them about who W/we are, what W/we do and why. And in that next moment, W/we don’t breathe. In the silence between O/our disclosure and their response, some of U/us ponder what they are going to say or do. Some of U/us remind O/ourselves that W/we could care less what they think and it won’tstop U/us from being U/us. W/we remind O/ourselves that these folks love U/us and will support U/us. And then…the conversation continues. The questions start flying.”Why are you like that?” “Who taught you about this?” “Does everyone know?” “What about your children?” Every conversation is about Y/you now. Y/you get a text at 2 in the morning: “Question. Do you spank them or do they spank you?” Y/you laugh, roll over and go back to sleep. Y/you call to say hello to Y/your sister, and then: “So I’ve been thinking. Have you thought about just stopping? Go back to being normal?” Y/you’re at the mall with Y/your friend. “Should we go look at lingerie in Vickie’s? Or do you wear the wild latex outfits? I bet those are uncomfortable!” 15 minutes later at lunch: “Do you have to do ANYTHING they tell you to do?! (To the waitress) “My bestie is into BDSM! I’m okay with it!” Sigh. Round and round W/we go. Somehow easing the stress of keeping Y/your happiness from Y/your loved ones has made Y/you miserable. So now what? For some, coming out to family and friends is more stressful than any other experience. For others it’s a simple conversation. At the core of it is Vulnerability and Transparency. Baring O/our soul to those closest to U/us is sometimes like reopening a wound that has healed. We ask O/ourselves if it’s even worth it. Well…sometimes it is. Being able to live O/our lives openly can help not only U/us but it can help educate others. Some may not think that it is O/our responsibility to educate others about O/our Thing. Noted. But the questions and statements might be less traumatizing and/or aggravating if folks know what’s up. So it merits a few moments of Transparency and Vulnerability in order to help folks be more open minded. Yeah, some of U/us could care less how folks feel. But this is bigger than U/us. The more open minded folks there are, the more safe spaces W/we have to be U/us. And that is a wonderful thing, right? For those of U/us who may still struggle with who W/we are this is yet another opportunity for growth. After all…BDSM is NOT a bunch of amoral people who spit in the face of propriety and live depraved lives. W/we do not engage in (insert any shaming word here) activities that make U/us evil. As a matter of fact, W/we are respectful, responsible, successful members of society. W/we love fiercely. W/we recognize, acknowledge and accept O/our flaws. W/we don’t judge; W/we encourage others who live alternative lifestyles. W/we commit to other people in ways that those who judge U/us actually envy. W/we are willing to learn and grow. Not sure know how Y/y’all feel, but this girl carries a certain amount of pride in herself for knowing who she is, what she needs, having a loving and supportive support system, a Magnificent King, freedom and peace! So let’s continue to be the kind, tolerant, and amazing people that W/we are, Y/y’all. W/we are no better or worse than others…W/we are simply U/us. And when W/we are transparent and vulnerable with people about O/our Thing, sometimes W/we can help them see that. Something to think about. 😊

~His Duchess

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https://freethekink.com/741-2/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=741-2 https://freethekink.com/741-2/#respond Wed, 18 Aug 2021 04:05:00 +0000 https://freethekink.com/?p=741 ‘Sup, Y/y’all! Who’s familiar with “Words have power?” this girl is fairly certain that W/we all have heard it or even said it before. But in what context? To some folks that phrase has more significance than it does to others. Words DEFINITELY have power, Y/y’all. So let’s look at how powerful some words and...

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‘Sup, Y/y’all! Who’s familiar with “Words have power?” this girl is fairly certain that W/we all have heard it or even said it before. But in what context? To some folks that phrase has more significance than it does to others. Words DEFINITELY have power, Y/y’all. So let’s look at how powerful some words and phrases can be.

“I’m so proud of you.”

5 words that W/we all have heard or said before, hopefully with pure intentions. These words can instill pride in someone or validate their effort. But most importantly in O/our Thing these words can transform a submissive. Why, Y/you may ask? After a difficult Task is completed, after a scene is done, after service is rendered or even just because, it can warm a submissive’s heart, ease our minds, restore our resolve, strengthen us, keep us focused and humbled. Remind us of who we are and why are where we are. this girl strives to make The FLYGOD proud of her. But those words can also mean just as much to the left side of the slash who says them. There are always the ones who loudly proclaim, “I don’t need to hear that they are proud of me!” Good for you. But this girl is willing to bet that if their Dom/mes expressed disappointment their asses would feel that. This is about how what is said affects how folks feel. Submissives, ask yourselves…what does your Dom/me(s) say to you that warms your soul? Dom/mes…how do You know when Your submissive(s) need to hear those words? Words truly do matter to folks. Whether W/we are always aware or not. And for some of U/us they can build U/us up or destroy U/us. So render kindness, love, discipline, encouragement, etc with mindfulness, Y/y’all.

Now…let’s focus on internal dialogue for a bit, shall we? The things we say to O/ourselves that have a tremendous influence on U/us that others cannot hear but can be affected by.

“I want a relationship/dynamic like that!” Okay, cool! Let’s talk about something for a second. Many of U/us see a dynamic/relationship that W/we wish W/we had. But the reality is, while W/we may view it as ideal, it is probably far from ideal. There are probably moments of disappointment. There are probably moments of mistrust. There are probably moments where feelings of inadequacy creep in. There is probably anger, frustration, all the ugly things. When a house is built, W/we look at it in awe sometimes and may even remark about how beautiful it is and may even dream about living in it. But W/we rarely think about the person who may have been injured putting up the foundation. The countless hours spent designing it. The energy it took to find the perfect materials. The care used to make sure the tools worked properly. The reality is …the life W/we all seek to achieve requires effort, consistency, pain, devotion, lots of patience and time. W/we all must understand and accept that even the ugly parts of the journey contain hidden beauty. So next time W/we say to O/ourselves, “I want that!” Keep all of this in mind.

Let’s break down another common phrase used in conversations and/or internal dialogue.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Five words that can change O/our lives. But exactly how thay change O/our lives is completely up to U/us. Firstly…what does “I can’t do this anymore” really mean?

“I.” W/we are taking ownership and stating the following thoughts, emotions or actions W/we convey are about U/us and U/us alone.

“Cannot.” This means being unable, but not unwilling, to do something. Sounds more like a statement than a declaration to some people.

“Do.” Performing an action, whatever it may be.

“This.” A specific thing, whatever it may be. But even though it is specific, wouldn’t it help others understand U/us better if we simply told T/them what the actual thing is?

“Anymore.” Beyond this present time. So at one time it was good but somehow it has changed and W/we are entering a new phase or stage.

Have Y/you said or thought this sentence before? Under what circumstances? W/we sometimes see a challenge or problem arise and for whatever reason W/we simply say, “I cannot do this anymore.” But by simply saying this, can anyone help U/us? Or do T/they need more details? It isn’t always crystal clear what “this” is, Y/y’all.
By communicating what truly troubles or threatens O/our submission or Dominance clearly W/we are able to get the guidance and/or closure needed to move forward in O/our journey.
And after a conversation with the ones W/we trust W/we can really decide if W/we can or cannot do whatever it is anymore.

“I trust Y/you.” While this one may seem self explanatory, let’s break it down anyway. What does it take for Y/you to say this to someone? Does trust come easily to Y/you? Well, this girl only says it when T/they create a safe place for her. T/they provide peace in her life. And how does it feel when someone says this to Y/you? Think about that for a moment.

The key is to use O/our words in a clear concise way that will open the door for productive dialogue. After decades of believing that yelling, quietness, hiding and burying thoughts and feelings was helping her, this girl does not argue anymore. It clearly wasn’t working for her.

*PSSST……And let’s never forget that the left side of the slash is usually very deliberate and measured in words, thoughts, speech and actions.

The Four Pillars of BDSM are Honesty, Trust, Respect and Communication. Ideally, the words we choose with O/others as well as internal dialogue should always embody these. Easier said than done. FACT. But it gets easier the more W/we do it.

this girl said ALL of this to remind herself and O/others that in this Social Media heavy world, words have even more influence in O/our lives. So, let’s all choose and use O/our words carefully.

~His Duchess

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Handling Arguments https://freethekink.com/handling-arguments/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=handling-arguments https://freethekink.com/handling-arguments/#respond Thu, 01 Jul 2021 23:37:00 +0000 https://freethekink.com/?p=715 I think one reason that the answer did not come to me straight away is that Dahlia and I do not argue on a regular basis. I would have to say we have one or two major disagreements a year that would be considered a relationship argument.  For the sake of comparison, my ex and I...

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I think one reason that the answer did not come to me straight away is that Dahlia and I do not argue on a regular basis. I would have to say we have one or two major disagreements a year that would be considered a relationship argument. 

For the sake of comparison, my ex and I used to fight almost constantly; slamming doors, yelling, cursing, the whole bit. I guess that Dahlia and I are blessed to be able to talk about things without the need to yell or bottle them up until they burst.

Not everyone is so lucky though, so how should you handle arguments in a D/s relationship?

First of all, do not run away from the conflict. If you dump someone just because of conflict you will constantly be searching for a perfect partner and none will ever exist. Resolving conflicts in relationships is a very valuable life skill to develop. You need to learn to work on the problem and strive to come up with solutions that meet the needs of the relationship together.  I know you have heard this before, but the only person you can change is you. The only attitude you can change is yours. You cannot make someone else change for you…No matter how badly you want them to. (Yes, even in a D/s relationship where a submissive is learning new behaviors, they are doing it because they want to do it, just for different reasons.)

Tempers flare in an argument. Take a moment to go to your proverbial corners to cool off before facing the problem. You will never resolve the issue if you cannot think and talk about it calmly and really listen to the other person.

Take a moment and brainstorm 10 ways you can cool off and regain your composure. Consider the following: make a cup of coffee or tea, take a short walk, step outside and look up into the sky, take 5 long, deep breaths, read a favorite poem or quote, close your eyes for a moment and count to 10, write in a journal and then come back together to work out the problem.

You should always approach problems as equal partners, even if D/s is the issue. Maintaining roles will just get in the way of progress in conflict resolution. Even those of us in 24/7 type relationships can recognize when being Dominant and submissive will not make things easy.

Drop your idea that one of you is the Dominant and the other is the submissive and look to each other as partners in a relationship.

Another tactic that you may have heard is to use the “I” statement as opposed to the “You” statements. “I messages” are a tool for expressing how you feel without attacking or blaming. By starting with “I” you take responsibility for the way you perceive the problem.

This is in sharp contrast to “you messages” which put others on the defensive and close doors to communication. A statement like, “You’ve left the kitchen a mess again! Can’t you ever clean up after yourself?” will escalate the conflict. Now take a look at how differently an “I message” comes across: “I’m annoyed because I thought we agreed you’d clean up the kitchen after using it. What happened?”

Coming up with solutions together will help you realize that there are probably several ways to solve your problem. When you can decide on a compromise together it will strengthen your resolve to make it work.

Three Types of Healthy Solutions:

  1. Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not like your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another alternative that you both like and want.
  2. No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
  3. Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There will be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you don’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be the winner
  • From Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

Forgive or Thank Them…A handshake, hug, or kind word gives closure to the resolution of conflicts. Forgiveness is the highest form of closure. Just saying thank you at the end of a conflict, or acknowledging the person for working things out sends a message of conciliation and gratitude. We preserve our relationships this way, strengthening our connections and working through problems that arise.

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