I am passionate about BDSM and I am a huge advocate for Polyamory.

I mean really…At this point, practically everyone has heard of polyamory…A form of consensual non-monogamy in which people have multiple romantic and/or sexual partners at one time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

However, far fewer people have heard of ambiamory…A relationship orientation that is actually far more common than most people realize.

So, Matthias, what the hell is ambiamory?

Rather than having strict requirements or strong preferences that their relationships be monogamous or polyamorous, people who consider themselves ambiamorous find themselves happy being in either relationship system. It all depends on what is going on in their lives and who they are dating.

Ambiamory challenges a lot of ideas we hold about relationships, including the relationship escalator…A set of internalized beliefs and social norms that many people follow if you will.

Essentially, many of us have learned to believe that a relationship should start in a culturally approved, conventional way and progress through a series of milestones in a predictable manner otherwise, the relationship isn’t considered viable or healthy. Under the auspices of the relationship escalator, there is only one right way to have a relationship. You meet. You date. After a certain number of dates, you may have sex. Then, after a significant length of time passes, you become engaged, get married, move in with one another and have kids, living monogamously ever after.

If you deviate at all from this prototypical relationship, for example if you choose not to have kids or even live with your partner, or if you live together before marriage or decide to have an open relationship or be part of a polyamorous relationship system, then your relationship may be considered flawed, less than, or not “Real, true love.”

So, in spite of the number of people who take an escalator view of romantic relationships (Although many of them are not even consciously aware that they are doing so) it is not too difficult to find relationships all around us that are violating its norms. It is really all a matter of degree as well as which violations are considered more taboo by society.

Like others open to multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved, ambiamorous people challenge the notion that monogamy is required for happily ever after. However, ambiamory also rejects the idea that polyamory is necessarily a superior state of relationship utopia.

Instead of adhering to the premise that either monogamy or nonmonogamy is an ideal relationship structure on the relationship escalator, ambiamory advises for relationship structures that instead fit the individuals involved in them as well as the life situations in which they find themselves.

Those who identify as ambiamorous is of course just one of many forms of relationship beliefs that a person can have that rejects the notion that relationships have to unfold a certain way or have a certain structure to be valuable. There are other popular relationship styles that challenge the relationship escalator.

For example, relationship anarchy is a philosophy and approach that maintains that relationships should not be bound by any rules or restrictions that the individuals involved have not explicitly, mutually agreed upon.

Okay, so the next question would be…

Why would a person even identify as ambiamorous?

Hmm…Look at it from this point of view…

Most commonly, a person identifies as ambiamorous because it’s important for them to signal to people that they are open to having either monogamous or nonmonogamous romantic relationships. This may happen for several reasons:

They want to acknowledge that they have experience and/or comfort with polyamorous relationship systems but are not closed to the prospect of being monogamous with a single partner.

They are currently either in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship system and do not want the other side of their identity to be erased by their current status. Much in the same way that a person can be bisexual and monogamous (because of their relationship history or the nature of their attractions to more than one gender), current relationship structure is not the same thing as relationship orientation. Identifying as ambiamorous emphasizes that and also makes it clear that you consider all of your past relationships a valid part of your history (Whether they were monogamous or nonmonogamous).

They want to be part of both polyamorous and monogamous social communities, while emphasizing that they do not consider either relationship structure to be “The one true way” for people to have happy relationships. Now, there are plenty of people who believe this who are not ambiamorous. However, openly identifying as ambiamorous can be a strong way to convey and embody that message.

Another question one might ask is why would a ambiamorus person choose monogamy?

Another great question.

As a person who has a number of ambiamorous friends, I can think of several reasons why an ambiamorous person might opt for a monogamous relationship at certain time and a polyamorous relationship system at others:

They want to be with a person who prefers a monogamous relationship. This is a very common reason and very straightforward. Even though they may enjoy being a part of polyamorous relationship systems, sometimes an ambiamorous person will opt to only date one person because that’s what their partner wants. While this might be a huge sacrifice for someone who prefers polyamory, there are ambiamorous folks for whom this sort of adjustment isn’t really a big deal at all, especially when there are other factors at play.

They do not have the emotional bandwidth because they are doing some heavy emotional work, grieving someone or something, or healing from breakups. Even if their partner is open to their seeking other partners, many ambiamorous people will become functionally monogamous for long stretches of time if they don’t have the emotional energy for multiple partners.

Maybe they opted to simplify their romantic life to save time, energy and hassle. Sometimes it is because they are busy with nonromantic concerns (Due to work, caregiving, illness etc.). Other folks who typically enjoy many aspects of polyamorous relationship systems will end up transitioning to dating a single partner because they struggled with the organizational and/or time management challenges and extensive relationship talks that can accompany the polyamorous life.

Or maybe, just maybe, they are tired of the stigma that often comes with polyamorous relationships and have consciously opted to live a more conventional life.

With that said, A ambiamorous person may choose polyamory because:

They want to be with a person that has polyamorous relationships.

Again, this is a very common reason and very straightforward. While someone who is strictly monogamous might consider it a large sacrifice to adapt to dating a polyamorous person, for an ambiamorous person this is typically not that big of a deal at all, especially if they, too, are able to pursue relationships with other people if they want.

Hey, maybe they hit the love jackpot and found multiple people that they love and connect with on a deep level and who fit into their life beautifully and harmoniously.

They enjoy the close network of support and friendship that can form between metamours. Their relationship system often functions as a chosen family.

They place a high value upon allowing their partners to have the freedom to see other people, even in situations where they themselves may date less frequently than their partners (or even be functionally monogamous themselves, from time to time).

While public awareness of ambiamory still remains relatively low, emerging research is supporting the idea that there are an awful lot of people out there who are not dead set on monogamy or nonmonogamy. Instead, there are a lot of people whose ideal relationship could be either of these (or somewhere in between). And instead of monogamy and nonmonogamy existing as a strict binary, there seems to be a spectrum with lots of people who find themselves somewhere in the middle.

The post Ambiamory appeared first on Free the Kink.

Adding a third for a threesome requires thoughtful care.

As you may be aware, threesomes are one of the most common fantasies amongst couples…Whether you have a lifestyle as “unconventional” as mine or you are simply looking to spice up your relationship, there is an etiquette to be adhered to when bringing in a third party.

Because sexuality (For some ridiculous reason) remains taboo in regular social settings, it can be difficult to uncover the unwritten rules without jumping right in. The main issue with this is, by creating a hands on, learn-as-you-go experience, the third party is oftentimes left feeling like an experimental pleasure toy. 

My responsibility to my sexual partners is to ensure their pleasure is a priority, that they feel safe, heard, and respected…My job here today is to communicate with you, dear Free the Kink reader, how you can assume the same responsibility for yours.

Okay.

Before we delve into the how, one should discuss the who of the threesome.

As someone who believes in compersion…My wholehearted participation in the happiness of others (In this case, my submissive) and the people we bring into our relationship are compatible with that fantasy. 

So…What Are You Looking for as a Couple?

It is important for the couple to talk about what type of person they would like to have the threesome with and what they want exactly. This will help determine which desires each of you are looking to fulfill, and the compatibilities you seek in a third. 

Some great questions you and your partner should ask yourselves/each other are:

• What specific things would you love to see/do with a third involved?
• How do you see the experience unfolding?
• What things are completely off limits?

Side note: Threesomes, are not exclusive to just one type of fantasy, and can differ greatly in logistics. In today’s world, there are a myriad of ways to find a third – oftentimes known as a unicorn. There are apps such as 3Fun, 3Way, Feeld, 3Somer, or platforms that attract a diverse range of people and kinks, such as FetLife.

Hiring a sex worker to fulfill this fantasy is a viable option. In many places there are laws that govern sex work and you may have to consider your feelings about this. For some people, it may feel like the only option, and that is perfectly okay. Having a professional navigate this new territory with you can be quite reassuring, even liberating. Just remember, whether your third is a pro or not, they should receive the same courtesy, respect, and empathy as your primary partner.

Communicating with the Third

In the wise words of Emily Morse, “Communication on is lubrication.” What that means is, the more you communicate with your third about sex, the smoother (and better) the experience will be. Why? Because it eliminates incompatible partners and guesswork with those you do pursue a sexual relationship with.

I offer you a simple guide on when and how to communicate with your third, keeping in mind that every party’s voice should be heard.

Before the Threesome

*Determining likes and limits

Get to know what your unicorn likes, as well as their limits. Ask about physical abilities and triggers, and share yours. Practice active listening by acknowledging these things verbally. Ensure you have a shared definition of what each person means when they say things like “threesome” or “kinky” or “cuckqueen fantasy.” Knowing what each party is looking for will help navigate the process and keep you from awkward sexual encounters with those whom you do not vibe with.

If you have hired a sex worker, ask them their process, and what their expectations are of you (Yes, including payment!). Share any expectations you may have and allow them to express their feelings on those. Remember they are offering their time and body, so maintain professionalism and respect.

*Safety and Protection

It is always important to speak about safety, emotional and physical.

Come up with a “check-in” system that ensures enthusiastic consent throughout the experience. Many sexual health advisers suggest the “Stoplight System” as an easy form of communication during sexual experiences. Green means everything is fine and it is safe to continue. Yellow could mean slow down, be cautious, or perhaps it is time to switch things up. Red is a hard stop. This requires tailoring to best suit your situation. 

If your third is a sex worker, they may have a preferred system…Let them share it with you.

I also suggest choosing a word that can be used to indicate the need for a break. My submissive and I use the word “Break” (Yep, very original) as it is clearly distinguishable between intimate sounds and expressions. 

If verbal communication is going to be impeded (with a gag or during oral sex, for example) a “Safe Signal” a gesture that is tough to miss, like dropping some coins or a set of keys, is a good idea to have in place.

Keep in mind that putting such a system safeguards the physical and emotional wellbeing of each party.

Secondly, make sure you communicate and have STI and pregnancy prevention measures in place.

If you and your partner have found the perfect third, and are excited to move forward, here are a few details you should consider:

• Who will be hosting the main event? Is your third more comfortable being on their own territory?
• Do you have any activities planned beforehand – maybe a threeway dinner date?
• What is everyone’s availability and are their time restraints? For example, will you have a sleepover? Does someone have to pick up the kids in three hours or work early the next day?
• Is everyone up to speed on boundaries and expectations?
• Is this a one-time only event, or are you hoping to make it a regular thing?
• Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene!

During the Threesome

Communication during sex can feel tricky. This is where your pre-established check-in system comes in. Every so often, see how your third is doing and if they need anything. A simple, “is everyone having a good time?” or “what light are we all at?” could suffice.

Additionally, I suggest keeping spare condoms and lube close by.

Aftercare

This time is critical to ensure that the unicorn does not feel used. Whether or not the person is providing a paid service, it is important to continue the communication, ensure they had a good time, and remain open to them physically and emotionally.

Depending on the sexual experience (for example, vanilla versus BDSM), your third may require a different level of aftercare. Do not hesitate to offer compliments and appreciation, drinks and cuddles, and keep dialogue open about the experience.

If your third party is a sex worker, adhering to their post-sex protocols (if any) is critical in maintaining a professional relationship, as well as respecting their process.

The Bottom Line

Respect and empathy go a long way!

With every sexual experience is the opportunity to discover more about yourself, your partner, and the people you let into your bed. Take care of each other, behave, and have fun!

The post Threesomes appeared first on Free the Kink.

While things look bleak right now for those who believe that everyone has a right to consensual sexual pleasure…To live free of hate and fear, to have access to sexual health services, and be able to define their own lives according to to their needs and desires, there are still many good reasons to be optimistic about the future.

A perfect example of this is the growing acceptance of polyamory.

Depending on who you ask, the current percentage of people engaged in open relationships in the United States is anywhere between 3 and 20 percent and maybe as much as one in five having at least an active interest.

Another good reason for poly people not to despair is the wide range of tools that have become available to manage and, best of all, enjoy open relationships…Because face it, maintaining a polyamorous life can be all kinds of complex and we all need as much help as we can get. More importantly, these tools also allow poly people to understand that having loving, open relationships is also about cataloging and respecting all kinds of critical details, some of which may even be potentially life threatening.

Here are some ideas poly folk can use to better manage their relationships.

Know Your Partners

Sadly, it is not something that comes up in polyamory how-to books but understanding, really understanding, the people you are involved with is tremendously important. Needs, wants, desires, fears, concerns, as well as hard/soft limits have always been at the core of maintaining poly relationships. Yet, understanding should also be pragmatic.

For example, when you put your partners’ info into your address book, you should also make notes of their medical needs, such a previous conditions and current medications.The reasoning here is that should something happen, you will have access to this information. You will be able to share it with doctors or emergency personnel.

Allergies, of course, should also be listed. This is for more than just emergencies. It can also help you plan and prepare meals accordingly. If your partner has a severe allergy, know where their medication is or even have some on hand at your place.

Make sure that your contact information also includes other partners they may have, doctors, friends and family.

As with kink, you should always hope for the best and plan for the worst.

Additionally, you should discuss with your partners whether they have any privacy concerns. It will save everyone involved a LOT of grief, for instance, knowing that you should never like or share their content on Facebook because their parents or employer are also there.

More than anything, do not trust your memory for these things. These days, there are all kinds of contact management systems to choose from. There is no excuse not to add in these important details.

Scheduling

Speaking of contact management, you will often hear poly people say, “Google Calendar is your friend.” Sure, there are other scheduling programs out there, but when it comes to keeping track of who you’re seeing and when, there is really not much that is better.

The best thing about Google Calendar is that you can create and share your schedule with anyone. This way, your partners can see when you might be free and when you’re busy. You can even create several personal calendars if you are nervous about mixing business and pleasure.

You can also link contacts directly to events. This means that you have your partner(s) important info right there instead of having to look it up in a separate program if you need it.

Even better, it is cross platform compatible. Whether your partners use iPhones or are into Android, you are good to go.

Messaging

Everyone seems to have their favorite form of messaging. That can be a major headache. Bob is on iMessage. Carol uses Google Hangouts. Ted is on Skype. Alice is on…Some platform no one ever uses.

While convincing all your partners to use the same communication platform might seem daunting, it is at least worth a shot. Personally, I tend to use Zoom or Skype since it handles files, pictures, voice and its own (Granted, not great) version of texts. It has the added benefit of, like Google Calendar, being compatible with every kind of phone and computer there is as well as being able to handle multiple chats at a time.

You also have to consider everyone’s communication style. Maybe Bob will always quickly respond unless he is asleep or driving, while Carol only checks her messages in the morning. Meanwhile, Ted only sends emojis, and Alice keeps losing her phone.

It is nearly impossible to get everyone to use the same style and timing of communication. The trick here is to know and recognize how your partners communicate and work with it, such as making notes as to how and when is the best way to reach them rather than forgetting their preferences and getting frustrated.

Reach Out and Really Touch Someone

Here is where things get really interesting. Poly, after all, is all about love, to be sure. However, there can also a great deal of sex involved. What if, for some reason, there are miles between you and your partners? Of course, there’s always sexting, dirty phone (or Skype) calls, or things like FaceTime, although they are never the same thing as physical contact.

Enter the wonderful world of internet connected SexTech. Once just the fevered dreams of nerds, there are now dozens of different companies selling all kinds of devices that will not just tickle whatever your particular fancy is and also connect with similar toys across town…Or around the world.

This gives you another great tool for your poly relationships: A way of having an intimate physical experience when you can not actually be together.

A bonus cool thing about SexTech is that many types also allow you to record things like vibration patterns, oscillations, and more and play them back on a similar device, meaning that you could create a sexual composition just for you and your partners to enjoy. Sure, it might be a proxy touch, but it is better than than no touch at all.

New Tools for New Kinds of Relationships

The last – and possibly the best – tool of them all…Something else that is far too often left out of poly books is that while there can be much love, sex and personal growth, having open relationships is also a lot of very hard work.
There are contacts and important information to juggle, schedules to maintain, positive as well as negative emotions to process, and unexpected ups and downs that will seemingly spring from out of nowhere.

Like I said, very hard work.

The tools discussed can definitely help, and may even get you through or even prevent unpleasant experiences. Yet, the fact is that when things do get challenging, poly people can often end up feeling alone. After all, in a world that is still predominantly monogamous, it can be difficult to find someone who knows what you are going through.

Enter this last tool, the same one I used to discover that 3 to 20 percent of people have at least tried nonmonogamy…The internet. When things get scary in your relationships, or the world itself, be sure to reach out for friends and support.

Poly, after all, is about opening yourself to love…Especially when you need it the most.

The post Managing Your Poly Relationships appeared first on Free the Kink.

Sounds fun, right?

Now, there are several types of rope bondage. There is decorative bondage, where the goal is not so much to tie you up but to dress you in rope. Harnesses, corsets, and rope bras/panties are usually decorative. There is floor bondage…Where a bottom is tied but remains on the floor. One more type is suspension bondage, where the bottom is tied, then suspended in the air, supported only by rope.

Just like there are all kinds of rope play, there are all kinds of rope, too. Not every rope is good for every kind of play. Choosing the right rope can make the difference between an enjoyable experience and an unfortunate accident (especially in the case of suspension bondage).

Here are a few types of rope that riggers use, and their best assigned purposes.

The Characteristics of Rope
Riggers evaluate rope based on the following characteristics:
• Flexibility
• Texture
• Friction
• Stretch
• Durability
• Strength

All of these are important to consider when choosing the right type of rope for your activities. Friction is especially important when dealing with knots. A low-friction rope is more likely to slip or tighten. Texture is important for your bottom’s skin…Some ropes, like sisal or manila, are generally not appropriate because of their very rough texture.

Strength and stretch matter most when it comes to full or partial suspension work. You do not want to use a weak rope for suspending someone.

Synthetic Bondage Rope
A lot of bondage beginners will use some kind of synthetic rope to start. It is inexpensive, widely available in hardware stores, easy to clean, and fairly easy to manipulate. Nylon and polyester are the typical materials.

Nylon RopeNylon rope is quite flexible, soft to the touch, and has low friction and a little bit of stretch. It is very durable and very strong. It is a good choice to get you started, especially if you are interested in Western bondage (as opposed to Japanese shibari). It comes in many colors and sizes, which lets you be artistic. However, please bear in mind that the low friction means that knots are likely to slip or tighten, so riggers must ensure the safety of their bottoms with extra wraps. Nylon rope is excellent for floor play and damsel-in-distress type bondage, decorative bondage, and for support in suspension bondage.

Polyester RopePolyester rope is also cheap, strong and durable. Its moderate flexibility and rougher texture make it a less likely choice for bondage work. It is still viable, but not usually a popular choice in general.

Natural Bondage Rope
For most experienced riggers, natural materials is where it is really at. The favorite material depends on the activity and rigger; for example, shibari enthusiasts tend to use jute, which is the traditional choice.

Jute RopeJust rope is the favorite choice for both floor and suspension shibari riggers. Jute is flexible and a little rough on the skin, has high friction and low stretch, and it has good strength but low durability. Well treated jute rope can be made to feel softer on the skin, but it needs to be replaced frequently. It is easy to dye as well.

Hemp RopeHemp rope has the same characteristics as jute, but has a noticeable smell and is a bit heavier. Many riggers enjoy hemp because it softens with time. It is also easier to find than jute and is strong enough to manage suspension work as well.

Linen Rope
Linen rope is softer and lighter than jute or hemp, but shares the same characteristics.

Cotton RopeCotton rope is a good choice for beginners because it is cheap and easily available. It is quite flexible, feels soft on the skin, provides moderate friction, and has a little stretch. However, the durability and strength of cotton rope is low. Cotton can be used for the same activities as nylon rope, but it not really suitable for suspension work because of its low strength. It is great for decorative work as well. Cotton rope is also easy to dye, which means you can buy it undyed and make it any color that you want.

Silk and Bamboo Rope
Silk and bamboo are used for luxury ropes. These are quite expensive, yet provide stunning results when used. They have the best characteristics of both natural and synthetic rope (flexible, soft, good friction, a low stretch, some durability, and good strength), but this comes at a cost. Bamboo has the bonus of being naturally anti-bacterial and shiny like nylon.

Sisal, manila, and coir are not suitable for bondage work because they are stiff and rough. It would be best to avoid these types.

So…The Best Rope for the Job?
If you are a beginner, nylon and cotton are your best choices. They are soft, easy to work with, cheap, and widely available. As you gain confidence and knowledge, you can move on to more specialized ropes like jute and hemp, depending on the purpose.

The post Learning the Ropes appeared first on Free the Kink.

There are quite a few aspects of being a gentleman which might seem (At least on the surface) to actually be in a conflict with being a Dominant. Some may feel that it is even impossible to be both but I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is not only possible but even desirable to combine the two into something which is greater than either one alone. Anybody can intimidate a person with bullying tactics, harsh mannerisms and ill-tempered actions.

This is NOT Dominance.

Creating in someone the desire to obey requires a subtle…seduction. This can be achieved by being both confidant in yourself and elegant in your manner. It takes more than just barking orders, tying someone up and spanking them in order to inspire a willingess, a desire to do as you wish and be at your side.

When I was staying abroad, I attended a private dinner with my fellow Doms/Dommes etc. our respective submissives/slaves what have you. One submissive who was quite petite, was having difficulty in opening a door whilst carrying a somewhat heavy object. I walked over to her, opened the door for her and asked if she need some assistance to which she politely said no. After this, a male D/Type approached and started going on about what I was doing and what asking what kind of Dominant I was. Looking back he may have believed that the submissive was, in some manner, topping me from the bottom in order to complete her task. My response was simply stating that it was the right thing to do.

Chivalry may be wounded but it is not dead.

Did my actions inspire this submissive to fall to her knees and beg for a scene? No, she did not. I did not do it in order to seduce her. I did not do it to seduce anyone. My little submissive, Dahlia has seen me do things like this on many occasions. What does it make her think of me you ask? Well, you would have to ask her since words are one of the few things that I will not put in her mouth. I would like to think however that this side of me is a part of what inspires her to kneel before me.

Within my current BDSM relationship and with past ones, I believe there are aspects of gentlemanly behavior which forms a thread through what is shared. I hold open doors for her, I also open car doors in order to assist in entering and exiting (And become slightly irked when she opens the door for herself) I will say please when ordering her to do something and thank her when it is competed. When standing on a street, I will shield her from the wind and rain with my body. I take care of my little Dahlia. I help others who are in need and although I am not always successful, I try to be a Gentleman.

This is but a part of what is Matthias. Dominance with Gentlemanly good manners, elegance and grace (Again, thank you Mistress Sensory) is a awesome combination.

The post Gentleman D/Types or “Gentle-Doms” appeared first on Free the Kink.

You may work in an office doing the corporate minion thing. You maybe a grade school teacher, a construction worker, a stay at home parent or whatever it is you do outside of BDSM. The question is, how does one go from Mr. Service Clerk or Ms. Corporate Administrator to “Sir Dragon” or “Mistress Divine”? In other words, how does one get into the Dominant frame of mind?

Some people are Dominants everywhere or most places in their lives, but in my experience that is pretty rare. And even then, there are things that they are going to do in a scene, places they are going to want to go within themselves, with their submissive, in the scene that are not a part of their everyday lives.

The person who feels naturally Dominant all of the time is not most of us and it is not who I am talking to here. If I may be so bold, those individuals probably need to work more on how to stop being Dominant in situations where it is not called for or working well…Such as with a boss or a cop that has pulled them over for speeding for example.

No one is going to be in charge all the time, everywhere.

Granted, some people might think they are, but most of us do not like them very much. I am writing this for most of us, who are Dominant in context…We step into a Dominant role either with a particular person, in a certain situation, particular areas of our relationship or when in a certain mood. Whether we are in a 24/7 relationship or playing with the lovely submissive we have met at the dungeon party. The one place we are going to want to be in our Dominant mode for sure is during a scene with our play partner.

So, when you have been the corporate grunt all day, been repairing the office computers, herding a group of kids, at school studying…Whatever it is that you typically spend your time doing in the bulk of your day to day activities, how do you make that shift from “Barbara the Barista” or “Daniel the Dad” to the Dominant of your partners hottest dreams and juiciest (but not too scary) nightmares?

Let us get this out of the way up front: Sometimes you do not.

That is the reality. If you are new to this you might not have figured that out yet, but just like sex, playing music, making bread and a lot of other creative or intimate things we do, sometimes you are in the zone and sometimes you are trying to get there while it teases just out of reach. Mostly, we are going to experience some combination of both of these states. This is totally normal and totally okay. Just show up as best you can, given where you are at and do not worry about it. No one is perfectly “on” all the time; we all have our off moments.

When I was performing in a cover band, one of the things we learned was that when we are having an off night or make a mistake (everyone does it sometimes), we had to accept it, carry on and realize that most of what we notice as being slightly “off” is not noticeable to others. I am not talking about when our submissive calls “red” or whatever your safe word is. If that happens, just stop. But what I am talking about is when you are thinking things like, “I’m just not feeling it like I usually do.” (Or think I ought to). “I’m sure they can tell.” “They are probably thinking I suck at this.”, “That Dominant over there really looks like they know what they’re doing,” yadda yadda.

Our brains are sometimes not our friends. And sometimes, they even tell awful lies.
If no fatal errors have occurred, just show up, do your best and carry on. Most likely, your mojo isn’t gone forever; there are just times when it’s stronger and things flow more than others.

As for my sins, being in Dominant space can be pretty intense. It is a kind of concentration of this part of us that is very powerful, can be very demanding and can run a lot of energy through our systems in a short period of time- emotional, mental, spiritual and physical. As sexy and beautiful and powerful as it can be, it can also be a lot of responsibility and sometimes draining. It can also be hard to make the shift from one kind of headspace to another.

There are a lot of techniques we use to make transitions throughout our day, our week. We do them so often that the actions themselves can help facilitate the shift in our energy. Loosening a tie, making tea, turning the ringer off, locking the door, going for a walk, bowing to a Sensei when we enter a Dojo, driving a certain route home from work that helps us “shake off the day”, soaking in a hot bath, pouring a drink, kneeling to pray, taking a deep breath…Our lives are infused with rituals that signal a shift in attention, energy, role. We’re so saturated with them that we often don’t even think about them.

Not only do rituals help us shift attitude, attention, mode, but the more we perform a certain ritual in a certain, way for a certain purpose, the ritual itself can become more and more powerful over time, more effective in signaling our psyches that it’s time to leave *that* behind and do *this* now.

For these reasons rituals can be very helpful in getting us and our submissives into the kind of headspace we want for our scene time. They can be simple or elaborate.

It is all up to you.

Examples of Ritual

* Before the submissive enters the room where we’re going to play, they undress, keep their eyes cast down and come to kneel at our feet, awaiting our word.
* Placing a collar around a submissive’s neck. I have a special collar for my submissive as well as my play partners. The longer I have been doing this, the sexier and more powerful the ritual becomes. I know something intense is about to go down and (If I have been playing with the same person for awhile), so do they.
* Laying toys out in a row, on a table. Some people have the submissive indicate which ones look interesting to them that night. You can then pick one of the ones they’ve chosen or intentionally not.
* Lighting candles.
* Putting on certain music.
* Wearing specific clothes or items of clothing.
* Some people have a spoken ritual they perform at the beginning of every scene:
Dominant: Why do you come here? Submissive: To be pleasing to my (Ma’am, Mistress, Sir, Lord and Master, etc.)
Or it can be much more informal:
Dominant: Are you ready? Submissive: Let’s do this.
* Drawing a bath for one or the other.
* Preparing the play space.
* A submissive waiting at the spanking bench with the toy bag.

It does not really matter what the rituals are. If you are new to BDSM and scene time with your partner, try some things that sound fun, sexy or powerful. You can work them out with your partner or come up with them yourself, keeping in mind what your partners hard limits are. They might be different when you play in public than they are when you play in private. There might be a short version for a D/s “quickie”, say before work; more elaborate for a longer weekend session (Or a weekend long session?)

Hmm…

Depending on your particular situation of course, it can be a wonderful thing to ask your submissive for feedback after scene time, in their journal, through email, or follow up conversations, and consider the information they give you when establishing your rituals.

Knowledge can be power.

If something works particularly well for them (Or does not work particularly well) it will benefit you to know. If you want to create intimacy and connection, for example, knowing their preferences will make it easier to create rituals that will foster that. If your goal with a scene is to play with making your submissive nervous, maybe slightly off balance or uncomfortable…Which I find can be totally fun.

Input can also be helpful. If they really, really like something, you can use that information to delightfully tease them with it by withholding it (also totally fun!).

Try new things. Discard things that do not work. If you hear of something that sounds really interesting or powerful, work it in and see how it fits for you. You might have a few core rituals that you settle on over time that you always do, with perhaps a few additional rituals that change depending on your mood or the type of scene you want to create.

All of us assume roles at different times in our lives for a variety of reasons. Rituals are one tool that can help us shift into our Dominant role and make our scene time more powerful, more of what we want it to be. Play with rituals, simple or complex, and see if they can help deepen the experience of D/s energies for you and your partner.

The post Getting Into Your Dominant Frame of Mind appeared first on Free the Kink.

Being single in the BDSM scene can be fun…You get to try playing with people you meet at munches and events, you get to experiment with new kinks and experiences…Furthermore, you really have nobody to report to but yourself. 

You get to choose, and you get to do whatever you want.

But being single also has its drawbacks, especially if you play often. Whether you are a Top or a bottom, you will sometimes feel what is often called “drop” in the kink community…The lowered mood state that happens after an endorphin high. Although it is more often discussed in the case of bottoms (subdrop) Tops can suffer from it as well (Topdrop or Domdrop)

Even though you may get immediate aftercare after the conclusion of a scene, the effects of drop can last up to a day or two (Perhaps even longer) after a scene. If you are a single kinkster, you may not have someone at home ready to help you through that phase, so you need to learn how to do your own aftercare. 

Here are some tips on how to to do it.

-Have an Aftercare Kit Handy-

Whenever you go out to play, have an aftercare kit ready. Basic aftercare items include arnica gel or vitamin K cream (to rub on the bruised areas and speed up the healing process), a bottle of water or sports drink (to rehydrate after a scene), something sweet like candy or chocolate (to perk you up and give you energy), and anything that makes you feel comfortable like a favorite blanket or a plush toy, etc.

Even though some events may offer aftercare items, you should always make sure you have everything you need ahead of time.

-Understand Your Own Needs-

As you become a more experienced player, you will know instinctively what you need to do (or get done to you) to feel better after a scene. But even if you are just beginning, it is good to pay attention to your instincts and to write down a few notes after a scene.

For example, a single kinkster that I interact with periodically tends to get very woozy and light-headed after a scene. She will have trouble speaking full sentences and doing simple things like putting shoes on or zipping up her dress. She can not be counted on to clean the play area right after a scene.

I, as well as her other play partners understands this, and we will always make sure to sit her down safely while we tidy up, and then take her by the hand and lead her to the aftercare area (For her, chocolate is always welcome, and we usually have some with us)

But as with most, her needs go beyond the few minutes after a scene. The day after, she tends to sleep more, and I can not do much more than watch TV. With this in mind, she will make sure that her day is free of heavy intellectual work, and will watch some silly movies or shows to watch. Also, being an admitted carb-o-holic, her go to is usually pasta and garlic bread during these times.

Keeping a kink journal is really helpful too, especially in one’s first few months. Note your feelings, your thoughts and your cravings. Share it with your play partners so they know what to expect and what to ask when they check on you.

Once you become aware of your post-scene symptoms and needs, you can prepare beforehand so you do not need to worry the day (or days) after playing. Queue up your favorite television shows or movies on the streaming app of your choice, buy the food supplies that you crave ahead of time, and try your best to not make any appointments. Make sure all the work you need to have done is finished which can be a great motivator for procrastinators out there (You know who you are) so you can have a guilt-free day off to recover.

-Be Kind to Yourself-

Let me make this absolutely clear…

Dropping after a scene does NOT indicate weakness.

It is the natural process of your body going back to its natural balance after an endorphin high. It naturally causes feelings of sadness, depression, disconnection and longing.

You need to be kind to yourself and just let the process take its course. Phone your play partner or a kink-friendly friend if you feel overwhelmed. Good play partners will check on you for a day or two after a scene, but sometimes that may be impossible…Such as pick-up for example. Having a friend around to chat and check on you is a good precaution.

-Single Does Not Mean Alone-

Again…Being single does not mean you have to deal with your post-scene drop alone or unassisted. Sure, you have to take care of your own needs first, but there is always a community to reach out to if things get a bit rough. Play partners, kinky friends or even just a BDSM forum where you can write a note and express your feelings can help you deal with the feelings you get after an intense scene.

The post Self-Aftercare Basics For the Single Kinkster appeared first on Free the Kink.

While that applies to your favorite hobbies like reading, video games, or raising an army of potted succulents, it also applies to your kinks too. As I found out, being surrounded by people who find your idea of hot sex to be “disgusting” does not make you feel particularly warm and fuzzy and it also gets in the way of accepting your own sexual interests.

However, when I found myself surrounded by people who accepted and loved my interests (whether yours happens to be at an in person community or in an online kink community such as Free the Kink, I found it much, much easier to love those things about myself. I did not feel like such a “freak” anymore…I felt like I just had unique interests. Which is a viewpoint that I share to this day.

Hell…Sex should be unique to every person.

To be honest, I actually found the kink community late in life and to this day, I am thankful that I did. Granted, I had had kinks and “non-standard” sexual interests which although felt quite alienating, I was not at at a mature mindset.

Prior to finding the kink community, most conversations about “sex” focused around how people wanted to either pound the pussy or get the aforementioned pussy pounded by people they found hot. I was more interested in implementing restraints, ball gags and relishing making my love interests whimper, cry, kneel and beg for the privilege of even getting to touch me. After enough incidents like that, I just started to feel like the odd one out on a consistent basis.

I honestly felt like something was “wrong” with me on a regular basis and started to excuse myself out of conversations when attraction and sexuality became the discussion topic.

It was not until I started getting involved in my local kink community that I really started to feel like my odd interests were “okay”.

Do not get me wrong: my first few BDSM meetings were absolutely terrifying. I had no idea what to expect, and when I did get there, I felt extremely out of place…Everyone else seemed to know one another, and I was this weirdo who was older and had zero experience. I honestly went home after those first couple of events and questioned my choices in life. After feeling like the BDSM community might hold the answer to what I needed, it was rough to feel so much like an outlier…Even at the one place I was “supposed” to fit in.

I kept at it, though. After a few meetings, I started learning people’s names and people started engaging me in conversation. I started learning the relationships and I could figure out the various personalities of some of the people involved.

At some point, I remember remarking how much better my comfort level had gotten there over time, and even made a strong connection with several of the organizers who had well over 20-30 years of experience. Several admitted that kink tends to be a private endeavor where most people want to avoid being outed, so most groups may not warm up to you until you have shown dedication through attending a few events.
Some also noted that they get a lot of people who attend one meeting, assume it is a giant orgy, who have zero interest in the actual community, and are never see again.

While it did not make my start any less rough, it at least gave me context and I understand where the group was coming from.

In the end, getting involved in my kink community was all worth its weight in gold. When this new group of people started to have conversations about the types of dynamics I had been fantasizing about, it felt freeing. Instead of feeling like I was the weirdo who did not match anyone else, I was surrounded by people who thought in the same way I did.

Instead of light conversations about what celebrity I found hottest, there were discussions about power exchange relationships, how to do kinky activities, and discussions about different kinks. It was not just acceptance; it was a big ass how-to guide.

They did not just accept me…They wanted me to actively do the thing I had thought was “weird” and “freaky”.

To this day, a group of kinksters is still my happy place. I will still find myself in the happiest, buzzed-up energy when I participate in kink events. With my introverted nature, I generally bow out of most of the generic, small talk that happens, but once deep conversation starts happening, I am the most animated introvert you have ever seen.

And yes, small talk definitely still happens at kink events.

The post How Surrounding Myself with Kinksters Made Me Finally Accept My Kinks appeared first on Free the Kink.

I know from personal experience that doubt and miscommunication are two things that can kill a relationship faster than you can say “That’s not what I meant!” In a long distance relationship (LDR), communication is especially essential. In BDSM, when you are dealing with a long distance D/s relationship, communication is equally as important, if not more so than in a vanilla LDR, because the way a D-Type and s-type communicate and connect is often in a very physical way, i.e punishments and rewards. You can not exactly give your sub a spanking for breaking the rules if they are not even in the same state as you are. 

Here are some tips to close the gap, at least mentally: 

So ideally the Dominant and submissive should come up with a list together containing rules and expectations for the submissive to follow while the Dominant is not present to discipline him/her physically. When coming up with rules, it is important to remember that here, quality rules over quantity. Make each rule as clear and thorough as possible, and take care to keep your expectations realistic. It is better to have a list of five rules that are very important, than to have a list of twenty confusing and selective rules.

Some things to consider when defining your rules are:

Is this a realistic expectation for my submissive to follow? Will it present a problem for them in certain situations? For example, if you have your submissive wear a collar, and you make it a rule that it must stay on at all times, could doing so present any social issues or health hazards to the wearer? Would wearing it to certain places cause a problem, such as to a church or to a conservative gathering? 

If you see a potential problem with a rule, it can be helpful to include a list of exceptions for that rule, or alternatively, modify the rule all together. Instead of “The submissive must keep the collar on at all times, no exceptions,” you may rewrite it to say “The collar must be worn at all times whenever possible, OR must be worn at least 18 hours a day.” This way, if for whatever reason it is not realistic for your sub to keep the collar on in some situations, he/she can remain appropriate in that situation without breaking the rule all together. 
There is no one size fits all set of rules, so be sure to tailor your rules to fit your specific relationship. Where there are rules, there is discipline. Each D/s relationship has different methods of training or instilling discipline. The most common of which is the punishment and reward system. To those of you who are new to the scene, punishment and reward is often the easiest and most effective method for training a new submissive. Normally, this can be done through pain and pleasure, such as a spanking for breaking the rules, sexual release as a reward for meeting an expectation. When the relationship is long distance, often physical punishments and rewards can not be used, unless the sub is trained and can be trusted to execute a punishment or reward themselves. This is where you can get creative. 

For example, having the sub write essays on a particular subject as a punishment can be highly effective. For others, corner time (having the sub sit quietly in a corner for a set amount of time, much like a time out) is a very effective tool if mental punishments are your preference. If you prefer physical punishments, another idea is to have them carry out small physical punishments and provide proof, such as wearing clamps on their nipples and sending a picture, or being forced to masturbate, but not allowed release until given permission. 

Another thought is to try having the submissive keep an online daily journal of thoughts, activities and feelings that only the two of you have access to. This way, not only will you know exactly what goes on in your sub’s life while you can’t be there, but you gain the added bonus of better understanding the way s/he thinks. Since it will be written like a diary, you will be able to get a glimpse into their mind, much like reading somebody’s private journal if you were to find it. Online journals can also be used as a way to bond with each other long distance. You can instantly share pictures, links, videos, music, articles and much more while you can not be together physically. When you are not able to express a physical connection, having a mental connection with each other is more important than ever. 

The post Keeping the Kink Alive When You Are Apart appeared first on Free the Kink.

Girls wear pink, boys wear blue…Period. After all, that is it and nothing more.

Unfortunately, this is the archaic and erroneous mindset some people have when it comes down to what gender is and should be even though the concept of gender is something that exists not in objective reality, but as a result of human interaction which varies depending on the region, philosophy, country and time itself.

It exists because humans agree that it exists.

In other words, gender roles are in fact, made up.

Granted, sometimes sex can be a component of gender but not always. Even if it is conceived as primarily male or female, that is also incorrect. In fact, many believe that there are anywhere between six and fifty-six types of human genders;

Male
Female
Trans
Gender Outlaw
Non-binary
Genderfluid

And these are the first six that popped into my mind as I am writing this.

In a sense, when it comes to discussing gender or sex, nothing is truly binary.
Gender expression is a way of showing us who we are and can be a great asset when it come to exploring one’s own sexuality.

When it comes to BDSM scenes, one may find that there are a multitude of ways in how gender can be added to kink…Which can broaden your kinky pleasures.

For most of us, consensual control within the power exchange, is the heart of BDSM. If you put the physical aspects on the back burner, the giving and taking of power can often be expressed by adopting a persona…The stern and stoic Master, the devious and provocative Mistress, the meek and humble submissive, the eager to please sexual service slave…Using gender as a component to these personas can in a sense, amplify what is already present in the dynamic.

Let us say for example that you want to enhance your domination but you find it difficult to wrap your mind around how to make this happen. Creating a dominant personality can be a challenge.

For some, it may feel impossible.

So instead of creating something out of thin air, why not use your own gender expression cranked up to ten?

For example,

If you feel comfortable as male identified, collect styles and affectations that you consider ultra masculine. This could be anything from using an accent to the clothes you wear.

Think of it improv or better yet…Motivational acting. Get into the head of your new male self. What is their name? What is their voice like? What do they like to eat and drink? What do they wear? What kind of D-Type would they be? Is he a bit of Sean Connory’s Bond mixed with a dose of Lawrence Fishburne’s Morpheus, (The Matrix series) poured into a tall, refreshing glass of Gerald Butler’s King Leonidas (300)?

If being female is more to your liking, you can follow that path as well. Try picking up and trying on all kinds of styles and forms to discover what may or may not work for your personal kinks…Perhaps Anjelica Huston’s Mortica Addams (Addams Family) stirred in with a splash of Gal Gadot’s Diana of Themyscira (Wonder Woman) and garnished with Charlize Theron’s Lorraine Broughton (Atomic Blonde)?

As you can tell, a great way to do research different gender archetypes is to use media. Take some time to dissect and examine your favorite characters, adding parts of them to your own kink persona.

Of course, one side cannot exist without the other…Meaning just as you can amplify strengths, you can do the same with submissiveness. Again, the key is to try put various forms to see what is a good fit for you.

Disclaimer:

Use caution about this new persona you create…Not in the act of creation, but being able to emotionally pull yourself out of it.

Because of this, it is highly recommended to work with your partner when you go on this gender play voyage to set up some clear and safe guidelines for aftercare and recovery.

Age play can be a big part of this type of gender experimentation. By consciously going back to a more innocent state, the sensations, especially the emotional impact of everything going, can be magnified.

Once again, this is where safety is critical as this kind of play can also accidentally trigger subconscious childhood traumas. So always play smart and, most of all, play safe.

Another angle to submission and gender is to force it in contrary ways as a form of humiliation play. By making a male identified person wear female clothes or a female-identified playmate dress in male garments, the D-Type can use their discomfort and shame as an erotic tool.

It must be noted that this should only ever be done with clear consent and with unobstructed lines of communication. This type of plan can summon powerful emotional forces and should never be done without knowing as much as possible about the person you are engaged with.

To reiterate what was said at the beginning of this article, gender is not now nor has never been binary. So, when you want to try your hand at new forms, try not to be hemmed in by what anyone else says you should be.

Perhaps your D-Type side wears a mini-skirt, combat boots, sports pink hair, and a glitter enhanced goatee…Perhaps your s-type self wears a 50s style bra, a polyester polka-dot dress and a mohawk. The same thing is true about your personality…Why not try a bit of Mary Poppins with a dose of Hannibal Lecter?

If it works then it works…More power to you.

And if it does not work, try something else. The sky is literally the limit when it comes to gender play possibilities.

Many, many moons ago, during our more primitive days, when being aware of our surroundings literally meant life or death, we developed patterns to cope with our daily lives which carried on into the modern era…It is all leftover survival instincts.

Gender is the same way. For the longest time, we did not see it as unclear or vague… We limited it depending on our culture or overly biased upbringing. Yet, part of evolving is becoming more and more comfortable with ambiguity and in giving up the illusion that the universe must be either black or white.

At the core of gender expression lies respect and empathy…To see others as who they are, who they want to be, who they need to be, and let go of the toxicity that says your way is the only way.

So become yourself…Whoever you deem that is and treat others with the same level of respect, acceptance and love as you would like others to show you. Be it in the play space as well as everywhere else.

The post Using Gender in BDSM Play appeared first on Free the Kink.