/nəˌɡōSHēˈāSH(ə)n

noun

1. Discussion aimed at reaching an agreement.

Heyyy, Y/y’all! Entering into a BDSM relationship is much like getting into any other type of relationship. However it is also unlike many relationships in many ways. The old phrase “knowledge is power” holds true for anyone who is considering getting into a BDSM relationship and signing a contract. Getting that knowledge should take place “before” one agrees to be bound and not “after” the fact. With that in mind, here are some tips for those who may be thinking of embarking on this journey.

*Know Your Partner First!

This may sound like very basic common sense, but W/we all know of someone who entered into a BDSM contract without first getting to know their partner. What does this girl mean by getting to know Y/your partner and how do Y/you actually go about doing that? Well the only real way to get to know someone is to spend time with that person. There is no set rule on how long people should spend vetting before they enter either a formal or informal BDSM relationship but if Y/you cannot even answer basic questions about each other, Y/you NEED MORE TIME.

*Know what the BDSM relationship Involves

This is a very important issue to discuss with Y/your partner before agreeing to enter into any kind of contractual agreement. Each of Y/you, submissive and Dominant, will have certain expectations that need to be identified early on. The only way for those expectations to come to light is for Y/you to have an open and honest discussion. This discussion may take a while and may take more than one conversation. It’s not unusual for couples to take months to even a year minimum to perfect their arrangement. Even after that, the discussion is ongoing as Y/your lives develop and change along the way. During these talks, bring up such issues as:

• What is expected of each partner?

• Will Y/you live together? If so, what are the plans for that happening?

• Are Y/you going to see other people during the relationship? (This is important to understand beforehand as this issue has caused a lot of problems for both submissives and Dominants in the past.)

• Will the submissive continue to work if they have a job?

• What are the punishment rules?

Communication should be open while negotiating terms. As Y/you can see, the questions that need to be addressed cover a lot of ground, and E/everyone needs to have a firm grasp of what is expected and what is not expected in this relationship. Keep in mind that each and every BDSM Dynamic/Relationship is unique in its own way. Some couples are looking for a 24/7 BDSM arrangement which requires much more from all partners than, say, a BDSM relationship that only takes place one or two days a week.

It is also important to discuss, and this can be uncomfortable for some people, the terms on which the BDSM relationship can end. This issue is important for both parties because if a relationship does not work out for one or all people, bringing it to a safe and consensual end is critical so that E/everyone can focus on moving forward.

Unfortunately, or luckily as the case may be sometimes, things do come to an end. In O/our Thing how it ends is critical. After all it is important to remember that unlike vanilla relationships, one has given over a lot of control to the Dominant and in many cases even been mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically trained to follow schedules, protocols etc. Either all or portions or their lives were controlled by the Dominant. The most critical aspect of ending the dynamic is that it should be thought out carefully, calmly and completely by the Dominant and or submissive depending what the situation is. Usually the Dominant and the submissive will talk about the end of the dynamic and all the thoughts/emotions that led to this point. Release should never happen without a plan being set up. Sometimes that Release Plan includes finding the submissive a place to live and helping them with expenses until they can find a job; get money, etc. Most Release Plans usually have something to help the submissive create and implement a schedule to resume control of their own lives again. It is easy to imagine that being dumped with no plan after you have given control over aspects of your life seems pretty cruel and like being dumped in the desert without water. Endings are always hard for E/everyone; keep that in mind and try to be kind to each other. Show maturity and even if Y/you do not agree with the decision to end it, accept the decision of the other person and try to be gracious. Endings can be even more important than beginnings and Y/you never know what will happen in the future. How things end also really shows the maturity and depth of a person. There are some submissives and Dominants who do not seem to understand the importance of ending things well. Remember, how Y/you end things demonstrates true character and shows people who Y/you truly are. It is always painful to end things because W/we give so much of O/ourselves; however, always keep in mind that things end for a reason. Then make way for a window to open and allow the next person to enter freely without baggage from the past. Easier said than done, right?

Well, that is a brief overview of the beginning and ending of a BDSM Dynamic and/or relationship. Next time, this girl is going to focus on the agony and ecstasy in between. Later, y’all.

~His Duchess

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