It was a hot muggy Autumn day in Italy. As she greeted clients and dealt with paperwork her mind wandered. Tonight can’t get here fast enough!!! She had her bags packed and she was ready for pickup. When the time came she walked outside the building and searched for Domina’s car. As she saw it she walked towards it, heart racing in anticipation of what was to come. She smiled as she saw her; she felt calmer yet still excited. She got into the car, greeting Domina in Italian as required. They rolled on to Domino’s Villa. it was beautiful there! As she got out of the car and walked inside her heart started to race again. She saw the other cars parked outside as well. Once inside Domina directed her to her room. It was a nice room, simply decorated. She began to unpack; she knew from previous sessions that she was to shower and prepare so she did exactly that. After she was ready she sat in the chair in the corner of the room and waited. After an hour or so passed there was a very firm knock at the door. She stood and as the door opened she kneeled. “Ready Domina” she said with her head bowed. And then Domina shocked her responding in English, “Get up little girl and let’s move.” She did as she was told and followed Domina. They walked down the long corridor towards another room. She expected it would look the same as other sessions before but it didn’t. The room was barely lit and cold. It was a shock to her system, especially after the warmth of her room. Domina sensed her lack of comfort and said, “It is necessary, you must feel this to know how it feels. Do you understand, little girl?” “Yes Domina, she understands.” She was then directed to the far wall. As she got closer she realized that she was about to be chained to the wall. She walked with such purpose while focusing on the wall that she barely noticed the small table off to the side. She knew what it was for. But she should have paid more attention to what was on the table because she was about to find out. Domina’s touch as she chained her to the wall was firm but gentle. Domina reassured her that she must feel this to know how it feels and that there will be discussion throughout. Domina asked her, “Are you clear little girl? Do you know what I will do now?” Taking a deep breath, she nodded. Domina gently squeezed her arm. “No little girl, use your words! It is important that consent be clearly conveyed! Do you understand little girl?” Dammit! Stop screwing up! Answer properly! “Understood Domina. Little girl knows what you are about to do and she appreciates you for your teaching and your time and guidance Domina.” Domina stopped squeezing her arm. “Wonderful little girl. Thank you for the opportunity to open your mind. You will be great. I have no doubt. Now…time to begin.” Domina traced her fingers across the girl’s shoulders, down her back, her legs. There was no music. Complete silence except to some noise outside. “I will accept your tears as a token of your gratitude, little girl.” The first strike landed across her ass cheeks. She screamed. It stung, then burned and throbbed. Another strike. Then another. And another. Domina was checking in with her, describing what was happening. She heard herself responding but she felt far away. Another strike. The tears were falling freely now. “Still with us, little girl?” As her heart raced and the tears flowed, she whispered, “Yes, Domina. Thank you, Domina.” Another strike. Then another. And another. What was that sound? Was that…her???!!! That loud sobbing, wailing and…moaning??? Did she actually beg for more? Was she wet? She couldn’t stop crying, nor did she really want to. “You are so beautiful right now. Let it go, little girl.” She cried, screamed, moaned, then eventually sobbed quietly as she became a snotty, sweaty, orgasmic mess. Another strike. More tears. And another strike. “Your tears are GLORIOUS, little girl. ” Another strike. “Breathe. It’s almost over.” Another strike. More tears. And it was GLORIOUS.

Heyyy, y’all. If tears are your thing, welcome to the world of Dacryphilia. Some info about Dacryphilia from Kinkly… “Dacryphilia is a paraphilia or fetish in which a person becomes sexually aroused by the act of crying and/or tears. The term generally refers to those who are turned on by the crying of others, but can sometimes refer to the pleasure someone experiences triggered their own crying, both as a physical release and an emotional catharsis. In practice, Dacryphilia is often incorporated with various types of BDSM play. A top or dominant partner may elicit tears from their bottom or submissive partner through heavy pain play, rough body play, verbal humiliation, or power play. Conversely, a submissive partner might cry during a BDSM scene as a display of service or deep emotion. Within a BDSM scene, tears and sobbing can be pleasurable to both submissives and dominants. Dacryphilia is also known as dacrylagnia.”

Regardless of which side of the slash you’re on, Dacryphilia can transform any scene or even be indulged while apart. Y’all know what comes next. The Pillars!

COMMUNICATION. A must. Talk about what you are feeling before, during and after the tears start flowing. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the one crying or bearing witness to it…talk about it.

HONESTY. If tears do or do not affect you, say that! Be clear and truthful about the experience. Honesty builds intimacy.

RESPECT. Unless it’s your Kink, never humiliate someone about crying. Doing that will create barriers. Barriers, especially those created by lack or loss of Respect are difficult to overcome.

TRUST. Crying is a display of vulnerability. That is why a lot of us don’t cry around just anybody. And there are some who CAN’T cry around people we don’t feel safe with. Honor and never abuse the fact that someone feels the safety, security and trust to be that vulnerable.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post A Flood Of Emotions appeared first on Free the Kink.

The Bartender smiled and said, “What can I get ya, hon?” As she scanned the back patio she realized that she felt out of place. She turned back to the Bartender, smiled and said, “Yes…a fully fueled getaway car.” They both laughed. Several other people came to the bar. One man said to her, “That is a cool ass necklace! How do you take it off?” Taking a deep breath and sip of her drink, she prepared to respond. She smiled and said,  “It doesn’t come off.” It was at that point that a lady in their group touched the man’s arm and whispered in his ear. His eyes became fixed on the Collar. He then turned and huddled with 3 men in the group. As she walked away from the bar, 2 of the men followed her. “What’s up, beautiful? Bet you’re bored as hell here, huh?” She smiled and said, “Not at all.” She returned to her table. They sat down, too. “I bet you know a great after hours spot. Somewhere to have some REAL fun, right?” She had heard enough. She got up and walked away. In the ladies room, she was washing her hands when she noticed the whispers. Here we go, she thought to herself. Heading back to the reception, a couple walked toward her. “We’d like to talk to you about something…private. We saw a video online so we know what you do. We’d love to spend some time with you.”
Wowwwwww, she thought to herself.
She excused herself and headed for the door.
In a matter of minutes, several people were given information about her and ran with it. Once she was in her hotel room, she laughed, shook her head and relaxed. “Here we go AGAIN.”  She already knew that more would come tomorrow morning. She had several new Friend Requests and messages. She shook her head.

as·sump·tion

/əˈsəm(p)SH(ə)n/

noun

A thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.

In life there are many things we all know to be true. There are just as many things that we convince ourselves are true.

Okay, I’ll ask…who has experienced someone making assumptions about them and their Alternative Lifestyle activities? That little gleam in their eyes when they find out about us? The body language? And then…we can see their wheels turning. And sometimes, they immediately flood us with questions and/or declarations. And that informs us how they manage their assumptions about us and the Alternative Lifestyle as a whole. Here are a few Fun Facts regarding some assumptions made about us OFTEN…

Fun Fact: Watching Bondage Porn and having rough sex does NOT mean you are a Dom. And being choked or even dominated during sex does NOT mean you are a sub.

Fun Fact: You cannot insult or shame someone about their lifestyle then get salty when they don’t want to play with you.

Fun Fact: Thirst is an automatic turn off.

Fun Fact: Everyone has the right to be selective.

Fun Fact: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, deserves respect and freedom from judgment.

Fun Fact: Flirting will NOT always lead to sex.

Fun Fact: When someone in a relationship turns you down it doesn’t mean their partner is insecure or controlling. Accept that they just don’t want YOU.

Fun Fact: Understand and accept that everyone is not on the same level.

Fun Fact: A LOT of male submissives and female dominants are STRAIGHT.

Fun Fact: We are NOT sex monsters who are so horny that we will hump anyone that smiles at us.

Fun Fact: We are incredibly kind, considerate, safe and authentic.

Now…we ALL make assumptions, y’all. this girl made several assumptions at the beginning of this article.  We may not be as far out there, but it happens every day. A few tips about Assumptions…

1. Acknowledge they happen. Such is life.
2. Ask questions. Exchange assumptions with facts instead. Clarification is the key.
3. Listen with your full attention. Don’t zone out when you hear something that intrigues, annoys, arouses or upsets you. You’ll miss the information needed to avoid misunderstandings and miscommunication.
4. Bring mindfulness into your daily life. Take time to process everything.
5. Breathe through emotional reactions and uncomfortable assumptions. Recognize how you feel and get beyond your knee jerk reactions.

Remember…Our response to an effed up or even innocent assumption can bring clarity or conflict.

Also, expectations formed by assumptions will oftentimes be unrealistic because they are not based in fact.

Now…for those of you who read this and proved this girl’s assumptions false…thanks, y’all.

~ His Duchess

The post Oops! appeared first on Free the Kink.

Adding a third for a threesome requires thoughtful care.

As you may be aware, threesomes are one of the most common fantasies amongst couples…Whether you have a lifestyle as “unconventional” as mine or you are simply looking to spice up your relationship, there is an etiquette to be adhered to when bringing in a third party.

Because sexuality (For some ridiculous reason) remains taboo in regular social settings, it can be difficult to uncover the unwritten rules without jumping right in. The main issue with this is, by creating a hands on, learn-as-you-go experience, the third party is oftentimes left feeling like an experimental pleasure toy. 

My responsibility to my sexual partners is to ensure their pleasure is a priority, that they feel safe, heard, and respected…My job here today is to communicate with you, dear Free the Kink reader, how you can assume the same responsibility for yours.

Okay.

Before we delve into the how, one should discuss the who of the threesome.

As someone who believes in compersion…My wholehearted participation in the happiness of others (In this case, my submissive) and the people we bring into our relationship are compatible with that fantasy. 

So…What Are You Looking for as a Couple?

It is important for the couple to talk about what type of person they would like to have the threesome with and what they want exactly. This will help determine which desires each of you are looking to fulfill, and the compatibilities you seek in a third. 

Some great questions you and your partner should ask yourselves/each other are:

• What specific things would you love to see/do with a third involved?
• How do you see the experience unfolding?
• What things are completely off limits?

Side note: Threesomes, are not exclusive to just one type of fantasy, and can differ greatly in logistics. In today’s world, there are a myriad of ways to find a third – oftentimes known as a unicorn. There are apps such as 3Fun, 3Way, Feeld, 3Somer, or platforms that attract a diverse range of people and kinks, such as FetLife.

Hiring a sex worker to fulfill this fantasy is a viable option. In many places there are laws that govern sex work and you may have to consider your feelings about this. For some people, it may feel like the only option, and that is perfectly okay. Having a professional navigate this new territory with you can be quite reassuring, even liberating. Just remember, whether your third is a pro or not, they should receive the same courtesy, respect, and empathy as your primary partner.

Communicating with the Third

In the wise words of Emily Morse, “Communication on is lubrication.” What that means is, the more you communicate with your third about sex, the smoother (and better) the experience will be. Why? Because it eliminates incompatible partners and guesswork with those you do pursue a sexual relationship with.

I offer you a simple guide on when and how to communicate with your third, keeping in mind that every party’s voice should be heard.

Before the Threesome

*Determining likes and limits

Get to know what your unicorn likes, as well as their limits. Ask about physical abilities and triggers, and share yours. Practice active listening by acknowledging these things verbally. Ensure you have a shared definition of what each person means when they say things like “threesome” or “kinky” or “cuckqueen fantasy.” Knowing what each party is looking for will help navigate the process and keep you from awkward sexual encounters with those whom you do not vibe with.

If you have hired a sex worker, ask them their process, and what their expectations are of you (Yes, including payment!). Share any expectations you may have and allow them to express their feelings on those. Remember they are offering their time and body, so maintain professionalism and respect.

*Safety and Protection

It is always important to speak about safety, emotional and physical.

Come up with a “check-in” system that ensures enthusiastic consent throughout the experience. Many sexual health advisers suggest the “Stoplight System” as an easy form of communication during sexual experiences. Green means everything is fine and it is safe to continue. Yellow could mean slow down, be cautious, or perhaps it is time to switch things up. Red is a hard stop. This requires tailoring to best suit your situation. 

If your third is a sex worker, they may have a preferred system…Let them share it with you.

I also suggest choosing a word that can be used to indicate the need for a break. My submissive and I use the word “Break” (Yep, very original) as it is clearly distinguishable between intimate sounds and expressions. 

If verbal communication is going to be impeded (with a gag or during oral sex, for example) a “Safe Signal” a gesture that is tough to miss, like dropping some coins or a set of keys, is a good idea to have in place.

Keep in mind that putting such a system safeguards the physical and emotional wellbeing of each party.

Secondly, make sure you communicate and have STI and pregnancy prevention measures in place.

If you and your partner have found the perfect third, and are excited to move forward, here are a few details you should consider:

• Who will be hosting the main event? Is your third more comfortable being on their own territory?
• Do you have any activities planned beforehand – maybe a threeway dinner date?
• What is everyone’s availability and are their time restraints? For example, will you have a sleepover? Does someone have to pick up the kids in three hours or work early the next day?
• Is everyone up to speed on boundaries and expectations?
• Is this a one-time only event, or are you hoping to make it a regular thing?
• Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene!

During the Threesome

Communication during sex can feel tricky. This is where your pre-established check-in system comes in. Every so often, see how your third is doing and if they need anything. A simple, “is everyone having a good time?” or “what light are we all at?” could suffice.

Additionally, I suggest keeping spare condoms and lube close by.

Aftercare

This time is critical to ensure that the unicorn does not feel used. Whether or not the person is providing a paid service, it is important to continue the communication, ensure they had a good time, and remain open to them physically and emotionally.

Depending on the sexual experience (for example, vanilla versus BDSM), your third may require a different level of aftercare. Do not hesitate to offer compliments and appreciation, drinks and cuddles, and keep dialogue open about the experience.

If your third party is a sex worker, adhering to their post-sex protocols (if any) is critical in maintaining a professional relationship, as well as respecting their process.

The Bottom Line

Respect and empathy go a long way!

With every sexual experience is the opportunity to discover more about yourself, your partner, and the people you let into your bed. Take care of each other, behave, and have fun!

The post Threesomes appeared first on Free the Kink.

Sounds fun, right?

Now, there are several types of rope bondage. There is decorative bondage, where the goal is not so much to tie you up but to dress you in rope. Harnesses, corsets, and rope bras/panties are usually decorative. There is floor bondage…Where a bottom is tied but remains on the floor. One more type is suspension bondage, where the bottom is tied, then suspended in the air, supported only by rope.

Just like there are all kinds of rope play, there are all kinds of rope, too. Not every rope is good for every kind of play. Choosing the right rope can make the difference between an enjoyable experience and an unfortunate accident (especially in the case of suspension bondage).

Here are a few types of rope that riggers use, and their best assigned purposes.

The Characteristics of Rope
Riggers evaluate rope based on the following characteristics:
• Flexibility
• Texture
• Friction
• Stretch
• Durability
• Strength

All of these are important to consider when choosing the right type of rope for your activities. Friction is especially important when dealing with knots. A low-friction rope is more likely to slip or tighten. Texture is important for your bottom’s skin…Some ropes, like sisal or manila, are generally not appropriate because of their very rough texture.

Strength and stretch matter most when it comes to full or partial suspension work. You do not want to use a weak rope for suspending someone.

Synthetic Bondage Rope
A lot of bondage beginners will use some kind of synthetic rope to start. It is inexpensive, widely available in hardware stores, easy to clean, and fairly easy to manipulate. Nylon and polyester are the typical materials.

Nylon RopeNylon rope is quite flexible, soft to the touch, and has low friction and a little bit of stretch. It is very durable and very strong. It is a good choice to get you started, especially if you are interested in Western bondage (as opposed to Japanese shibari). It comes in many colors and sizes, which lets you be artistic. However, please bear in mind that the low friction means that knots are likely to slip or tighten, so riggers must ensure the safety of their bottoms with extra wraps. Nylon rope is excellent for floor play and damsel-in-distress type bondage, decorative bondage, and for support in suspension bondage.

Polyester RopePolyester rope is also cheap, strong and durable. Its moderate flexibility and rougher texture make it a less likely choice for bondage work. It is still viable, but not usually a popular choice in general.

Natural Bondage Rope
For most experienced riggers, natural materials is where it is really at. The favorite material depends on the activity and rigger; for example, shibari enthusiasts tend to use jute, which is the traditional choice.

Jute RopeJust rope is the favorite choice for both floor and suspension shibari riggers. Jute is flexible and a little rough on the skin, has high friction and low stretch, and it has good strength but low durability. Well treated jute rope can be made to feel softer on the skin, but it needs to be replaced frequently. It is easy to dye as well.

Hemp RopeHemp rope has the same characteristics as jute, but has a noticeable smell and is a bit heavier. Many riggers enjoy hemp because it softens with time. It is also easier to find than jute and is strong enough to manage suspension work as well.

Linen Rope
Linen rope is softer and lighter than jute or hemp, but shares the same characteristics.

Cotton RopeCotton rope is a good choice for beginners because it is cheap and easily available. It is quite flexible, feels soft on the skin, provides moderate friction, and has a little stretch. However, the durability and strength of cotton rope is low. Cotton can be used for the same activities as nylon rope, but it not really suitable for suspension work because of its low strength. It is great for decorative work as well. Cotton rope is also easy to dye, which means you can buy it undyed and make it any color that you want.

Silk and Bamboo Rope
Silk and bamboo are used for luxury ropes. These are quite expensive, yet provide stunning results when used. They have the best characteristics of both natural and synthetic rope (flexible, soft, good friction, a low stretch, some durability, and good strength), but this comes at a cost. Bamboo has the bonus of being naturally anti-bacterial and shiny like nylon.

Sisal, manila, and coir are not suitable for bondage work because they are stiff and rough. It would be best to avoid these types.

So…The Best Rope for the Job?
If you are a beginner, nylon and cotton are your best choices. They are soft, easy to work with, cheap, and widely available. As you gain confidence and knowledge, you can move on to more specialized ropes like jute and hemp, depending on the purpose.

The post Learning the Ropes appeared first on Free the Kink.

It was a hectic day at work. she worked outside and during December in Germany, driving a forklift can be brutal. As she drove toward the loading dock, she saw him. The Warehouse Supervisor. The Soldier in charge. Standing there, looking uncomfortable. She parked the forklift and walked toward him. “You can come in and help with Receiving. It’s too cold out there.” She smiled as she noticed how he was standing. “Thank you. I should be able to thaw before dinner time now.” She shook her keys as she walked past him. Later that night, as she drove to her destination, she smiled while touching her keychain. Upon arrival, she walked into the building and unlocked a door. It was dimly lit as she walked in. Walking past the bathroom into the main area, she saw him…kneeling…and naked. “Good evening, Regina. the toy has been waiting and is ready to serve, Queen.” She took off her coat and stood quietly in front of him. “Excellent. Inspection, toy.” the toy slowly stood up and assumed the position. She checked his cage. “Has the toy tampered with this?!” As she gently tapped on it, the toy flinched. “Never, Regina.” the toy gasped as she traced the key in her hand across the toy’s lips, shoulders, neck, nipples and around the toy’s navel. “Is the toy worthy?” She smiled as she looked down at the Chastity Cage the toy has been wearing for a week this time. Over a period of months she has been working with the toy. Being patient and transparent. Talking about hygiene, good/bad habits, sleeping, arousal and orgasms, everything. She is proud of the toy. “the toy is never worthy, Regina.” As she took the toy’s chin in her hand and turned his face toward her to meet her gaze she smiled and whispered, “Interesting. Let’s work on that, shall we? Wall. NOW.” She heard the toy whimper then assume the position. the next thing the toy felt and heard was the familiar whoosh of air as she wound up her flogger. “Congratulations! The toy soldier is worthy of 7 strikes!”

Heyyy, y’all! this girl has been having some conversations with the amazing male submissives in her orbit. One of the things she has discovered is that they have varied viewpoints about Chastity.

For those who aren’t familiar with Chastity, let’s start with the dictionary definition, which is “the state or practice of refraining from extramarital, or especially from all, sexual intercourse.” Well, the Kink definition is pretty much the same. Male submissives who indulge in Chastity might avoid penetration only or any type of sexual activity altogether. And that includes Masturbation. So it’s understandable why some simply aren’t into it. this girl had one toy that was VERY enthusiastic about Chastity and even enjoyed wearing a Chastity Cage because of not being able to be aroused without being in this girl’s presence. Another toy said that the concept of Chastity wasn’t going to work because his wife was against it and our dynamic was more about Service and Worship.

Speaking of a Chastity Cage…for those who aren’t familiar with them…is a brief overview alright?

A Chastity Cage is a device used to prevent a man from getting an erection and therefore controls his ability to masturbate and/or have sex and orgasms. It covers the penis and prevents the man from touching it. It can also make erections uncomfortable. It often has a lock attached and the person who has the key is usually a Dominant/Top, also known as a Keyholder. Once again, keep in mind that this is something that definitely requires safety and consent. So PLEASE bring it up during Vetting!

Chastity is a very personal and intimate experience. It takes Communication, Commitment, Consistency, Caution and of course, Consent. Time for the Pillars.

COMMUNICATION. As this girl mentioned earlier, she discovered through Vetting what her toys’ viewpoints were concerning Chastity. But the communication continued. Before, during and after being in Chastity. There is much to learn about each other. Talk about how it feels mentally, physically, emotionally. Talk about observations and Lessons Learned. Just TALK, dangit!

HONESTY. If Chastity is not for you, say that! If Chastity does it for you, say that! If you’d prefer a different device and/or method for Chastity, SPEAK UP! Don’t withhold the truth from each other. Otherwise it will affect other areas of your relationship/dynamic.

TRUST. If you haven’t established trust between each other, Chastity is stressful as hell. You’re wearing a device you don’t even have the key for. And what if there’s an emergency? There should be absolutely no doubt you are safe and your needs will be met. There should be absolutely no doubt that they won’t tamper with the device and/or find ways to violate Chastity. So take the necessary steps to build trust before engaging in Chastity.

RESPECT. Chastity is important to those who engage in it. Honor that. Be available to each other. The responsiblity and honor that comes with being a Keyholder is enormous. Take it seriously. Take Chastity seriously. It is a commitment that should be appreciated. And if you aren’t on the same page after progressing along your Journeys…respect each other’s feelings.

this girl wholeheartedly appreciated her toys and is in absolute awe of male submissives because they are stronger and more courageous than most of us even realize. It’s an absolute honor and pleasure to share this journey with them.

****Okay, I’ll say it…if you are one of those individuals who mock, disrespect or otherwise talk trash about male submissives (unless that’s their kink, of course)…KNOCK IT OFF before you run up on one whose Dom/me will allow them to knuckle up and beat the brakes off your ignorant asses. Ya dig?

Thanks for reading.

~His Duchess

The post “Lock & Key” appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay, y’all…let’s  get into this. Sensory Deprivation is used often in BDSM and makes U/us focus on other senses while being deprived  of one or more senses. So let’s talk about a few ways to do it. And trust…there are MANY more. This is just an overview.

*SMELL. The sense of smell can be blocked simply by plugging the nose. This will affect taste to a certain extent as well. Clothespins make this happen easily. Doing this intensifies both the good and the bad. Introducing an incredibly strong scent upon removing the clothespin will be like a shock to the system. There may be increased anxiousness and/or excitement which will heighten the experience. Be safe of course and monitor breathing.

*SIGHT. Restricting the sense of sight is the usual preference  because W/we rely on sight more than the others.  Blindfolds are the number one way to remove sight from the action. W/we can also get rid of peripheral vision, like a horse wearing blinders. Using a mask reduces the scope of vision to what is in front of U/us. Hoods are also  common in BDSM.

*TASTE. W/we can’t really take this one away but overloading it is just as effective. Foods with extremely intense flavors like peppers and sour candy will do the trick. Mouthwash will mask the tastes detected in your mouth and some can even numb the tongue. Adding Pixie Stick powder to the sides of the tongue can be so overwhelming that some folks have actually been brought to tears. Make sure you monitor to avoid the possibility of choking.

*HEARING. Headphones to cancel out noise as well as loud music will do the trick. This one is especially effective against those who are auditory. Loud, pulsating electronic music also causes confusion in addition to restriction of hearing. This is very helpful during Interrogation by causing the submissive to be confused while redirecting their attention to other senses.

*TOUCH. Restricting the sense of touch is a bit different compared to the other senses because skin is the largest organ in the human body. The only way to effectively disturb O/our sense of touch is to either create a barrier (liquid latex, plastic wrap), or through a topical anesthetic that numbs the skin. Applying cold or even ice in certain areas works sometimes with numbing, too. W/we must be aware of latex allergies, seizure disorders, skin/extremity reactions, etc.  before tackling this one.

REMEMBER that W/we must monitor T/them carefully through ALL of these for safety, please.

Time for The Pillars, Y/yall.

•COMMUNICATION. Sensory Deprivation helps U/us with discovering other ways to Communicate with each other. It can build intimacy by being laser focused on the moment and in each other. Exploring Sensory Deprivation always begins with a conversation. Preferably a long one lol.

•HONESTY. Speaking out about and addressing questions, concerns, issues, etc during Vetting,  negotiations and follow ups is critical because it keeps U/us safe and satisfied. So tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth regarding our thoughts and feelings about Sensory Deprivation.

•RESPECT. Let’s focus on Self Respect this time. Sensory Deprivation places U/us in a space of vulnerability and that leads to opportunities for growth. So let’s honor and value O/ourselves and respect the gift of O/our senses, Y/y’all.

•TRUST. Well….if W/we don’t trust T/them, why would W/we allow T/them to deprive U/us of O/our senses? Vetting, Negotiation, Consent…all of these build trust. Avoiding any of these lessens trust. And instead of Sensory Deprivation being a transformative experience, it becomes a stressful uncomfortable one.

Listen…There’s nothing worse than someone literally ripping off the blindfold thinking, “I’m NOT doing this again!” And unfortunately, that is almost as common as the folks who enjoy T/their experience. So W/we must be willing to put in the work to avoid that. After all…Who wouldn’t rather smile, blush or even salivate when merely thinking about O/our Sensory Deprivation experience(s)?

Thanks for reading, Y/y’all.

~His Duchess

The post “One Without The Other” appeared first on Free the Kink.

Being single in the BDSM scene can be fun…You get to try playing with people you meet at munches and events, you get to experiment with new kinks and experiences…Furthermore, you really have nobody to report to but yourself. 

You get to choose, and you get to do whatever you want.

But being single also has its drawbacks, especially if you play often. Whether you are a Top or a bottom, you will sometimes feel what is often called “drop” in the kink community…The lowered mood state that happens after an endorphin high. Although it is more often discussed in the case of bottoms (subdrop) Tops can suffer from it as well (Topdrop or Domdrop)

Even though you may get immediate aftercare after the conclusion of a scene, the effects of drop can last up to a day or two (Perhaps even longer) after a scene. If you are a single kinkster, you may not have someone at home ready to help you through that phase, so you need to learn how to do your own aftercare. 

Here are some tips on how to to do it.

-Have an Aftercare Kit Handy-

Whenever you go out to play, have an aftercare kit ready. Basic aftercare items include arnica gel or vitamin K cream (to rub on the bruised areas and speed up the healing process), a bottle of water or sports drink (to rehydrate after a scene), something sweet like candy or chocolate (to perk you up and give you energy), and anything that makes you feel comfortable like a favorite blanket or a plush toy, etc.

Even though some events may offer aftercare items, you should always make sure you have everything you need ahead of time.

-Understand Your Own Needs-

As you become a more experienced player, you will know instinctively what you need to do (or get done to you) to feel better after a scene. But even if you are just beginning, it is good to pay attention to your instincts and to write down a few notes after a scene.

For example, a single kinkster that I interact with periodically tends to get very woozy and light-headed after a scene. She will have trouble speaking full sentences and doing simple things like putting shoes on or zipping up her dress. She can not be counted on to clean the play area right after a scene.

I, as well as her other play partners understands this, and we will always make sure to sit her down safely while we tidy up, and then take her by the hand and lead her to the aftercare area (For her, chocolate is always welcome, and we usually have some with us)

But as with most, her needs go beyond the few minutes after a scene. The day after, she tends to sleep more, and I can not do much more than watch TV. With this in mind, she will make sure that her day is free of heavy intellectual work, and will watch some silly movies or shows to watch. Also, being an admitted carb-o-holic, her go to is usually pasta and garlic bread during these times.

Keeping a kink journal is really helpful too, especially in one’s first few months. Note your feelings, your thoughts and your cravings. Share it with your play partners so they know what to expect and what to ask when they check on you.

Once you become aware of your post-scene symptoms and needs, you can prepare beforehand so you do not need to worry the day (or days) after playing. Queue up your favorite television shows or movies on the streaming app of your choice, buy the food supplies that you crave ahead of time, and try your best to not make any appointments. Make sure all the work you need to have done is finished which can be a great motivator for procrastinators out there (You know who you are) so you can have a guilt-free day off to recover.

-Be Kind to Yourself-

Let me make this absolutely clear…

Dropping after a scene does NOT indicate weakness.

It is the natural process of your body going back to its natural balance after an endorphin high. It naturally causes feelings of sadness, depression, disconnection and longing.

You need to be kind to yourself and just let the process take its course. Phone your play partner or a kink-friendly friend if you feel overwhelmed. Good play partners will check on you for a day or two after a scene, but sometimes that may be impossible…Such as pick-up for example. Having a friend around to chat and check on you is a good precaution.

-Single Does Not Mean Alone-

Again…Being single does not mean you have to deal with your post-scene drop alone or unassisted. Sure, you have to take care of your own needs first, but there is always a community to reach out to if things get a bit rough. Play partners, kinky friends or even just a BDSM forum where you can write a note and express your feelings can help you deal with the feelings you get after an intense scene.

The post Self-Aftercare Basics For the Single Kinkster appeared first on Free the Kink.

Heyyyy, Y/y’all! Since there are probably several of U/us that will engage in some type of action this weekend, this girl figured she would talk about Aftercare and Drop for a few minutes. Aftercare is an important part of recovery from BDSM Sessions for many people. It is common to experience a shift in emotions and energy following sessions. This ranges anywhere from within a few hours after to even days later. All too often it’s necessary for many of U/us to take care of O/ourselves after a session because, in this girl’s situation, The FLYGOD was just visiting. W/we must always be sure to guard against the emotional roller coaster that may occur as well as any other struggles. Having a bunch of items that help with comforting U/us afterwards is helpful. Only W/we know what those items may be. It’s often called an “Aftercare Kit.” It might contain snacks, blankets, stuffies, drinks, etc.

It is obvious that W/we will physically have marks, bruising, cuts, sore muscles, etc that need continued first aid. Even if W/we haven’t had any First Aid training, W/we should have some type of basic first aid items on hand that W/we can buy at almost any store. Knowing basic First Aid for bruises, cuts and abrasions is helpful so that W/we can care for skin and muscle tissues after intense sessions. There are many schools of thought on bruise care. Cool compresses will help cut down swelling. Treat cuts and abrasions with anti-bacterial and bandages. Scar reduction creams may also be helpful if W/we are concerned about marks lasting longer than W/we would like.

Okay, now let’s talk about Drop for a bit. Drop is when the endorphins W/we experience during sessions suddenly leave O/our bodies and it “crashes.” This has been described as a feeling similar to drug addiction withdrawals and recovery. When O/our bodies go through this, it is important to note that this experience is different for each of U/us. Things like crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts to sadness, depression, rage and anxiety are possible. W/we might even experience moments of guilt or doubt about what W/we did and the fact that W/we liked it. Drop can manifest within hours or even days later. Another concern is the emotional and psychological impact W/we may have experienced during the session. This can creep up on U/us when W/we least expect it. To guard against it, drink water as needed. It helps when W/we do not play while hungry. The Snickers commercial is onto something…W/we aren’t O/ourselves when W/we are hungry, Y/y’all lol. Also, avoid sessions if even slightly sick if at all possible, which in some cases it isn’t. Drink something with simple sugars when done; orange juice works wonders. Remember…W/we are all different so it helps to know what works for U/us. That being said, W/we can still help each other.

Let’s incorporate the Pillars here, shall W/we?

*Communication. Ask questions! A lot of U/us ask questions about Aftercare during Vetting as well as during negotiation and planning of sessions. Check in constantly. Having someone available to help U/us is a wonderful thing.

*Trust. If W/we don’t trust T/them, W/we’re better off not having sessions with T/them. PERIOD. After all, depending on what W/we do, O/our lives literally depend on trusting each other to be safe.

*Respect. This is critical during Aftercare because if it isn’t part of the experience before, during and after, as well as through Drop, it will destroy any trust between U/us. Respect is even important in M/s dynamics.

*Honesty. Some of U/us, depending on the type of session, may not need Aftercare and may or may not still experience Drop. Some of U/us may need a LOT of Aftercare and this can help some of U/us to avoid Drop. Empaths are NOT Mind Readers so W/we MUST be up front and crystal clear about what we need. During check ins, if anything is uncomfortable, speak up. If Y/you aren’t the warm fuzzy type, say that. If Y/you get clingy AF, make it known. W/we could bs O/our way right into Drop. Then what? Trust destroyed AGAIN.

Bottom line…being prepared and aware is critical. So remember…if W/we want to provide the appropriate amount and style of Aftercare and manage/overcome Drop, W/we MUST Communicate clearly. W/we MUST Respect and Trust each other. And W/we MUST be Honest with each other. ALWAYS.

Enjoy, Y/y’all.

~ His Duchess

The post “Surviving The Fall” appeared first on Free the Kink.

While that applies to your favorite hobbies like reading, video games, or raising an army of potted succulents, it also applies to your kinks too. As I found out, being surrounded by people who find your idea of hot sex to be “disgusting” does not make you feel particularly warm and fuzzy and it also gets in the way of accepting your own sexual interests.

However, when I found myself surrounded by people who accepted and loved my interests (whether yours happens to be at an in person community or in an online kink community such as Free the Kink, I found it much, much easier to love those things about myself. I did not feel like such a “freak” anymore…I felt like I just had unique interests. Which is a viewpoint that I share to this day.

Hell…Sex should be unique to every person.

To be honest, I actually found the kink community late in life and to this day, I am thankful that I did. Granted, I had had kinks and “non-standard” sexual interests which although felt quite alienating, I was not at at a mature mindset.

Prior to finding the kink community, most conversations about “sex” focused around how people wanted to either pound the pussy or get the aforementioned pussy pounded by people they found hot. I was more interested in implementing restraints, ball gags and relishing making my love interests whimper, cry, kneel and beg for the privilege of even getting to touch me. After enough incidents like that, I just started to feel like the odd one out on a consistent basis.

I honestly felt like something was “wrong” with me on a regular basis and started to excuse myself out of conversations when attraction and sexuality became the discussion topic.

It was not until I started getting involved in my local kink community that I really started to feel like my odd interests were “okay”.

Do not get me wrong: my first few BDSM meetings were absolutely terrifying. I had no idea what to expect, and when I did get there, I felt extremely out of place…Everyone else seemed to know one another, and I was this weirdo who was older and had zero experience. I honestly went home after those first couple of events and questioned my choices in life. After feeling like the BDSM community might hold the answer to what I needed, it was rough to feel so much like an outlier…Even at the one place I was “supposed” to fit in.

I kept at it, though. After a few meetings, I started learning people’s names and people started engaging me in conversation. I started learning the relationships and I could figure out the various personalities of some of the people involved.

At some point, I remember remarking how much better my comfort level had gotten there over time, and even made a strong connection with several of the organizers who had well over 20-30 years of experience. Several admitted that kink tends to be a private endeavor where most people want to avoid being outed, so most groups may not warm up to you until you have shown dedication through attending a few events.
Some also noted that they get a lot of people who attend one meeting, assume it is a giant orgy, who have zero interest in the actual community, and are never see again.

While it did not make my start any less rough, it at least gave me context and I understand where the group was coming from.

In the end, getting involved in my kink community was all worth its weight in gold. When this new group of people started to have conversations about the types of dynamics I had been fantasizing about, it felt freeing. Instead of feeling like I was the weirdo who did not match anyone else, I was surrounded by people who thought in the same way I did.

Instead of light conversations about what celebrity I found hottest, there were discussions about power exchange relationships, how to do kinky activities, and discussions about different kinks. It was not just acceptance; it was a big ass how-to guide.

They did not just accept me…They wanted me to actively do the thing I had thought was “weird” and “freaky”.

To this day, a group of kinksters is still my happy place. I will still find myself in the happiest, buzzed-up energy when I participate in kink events. With my introverted nature, I generally bow out of most of the generic, small talk that happens, but once deep conversation starts happening, I am the most animated introvert you have ever seen.

And yes, small talk definitely still happens at kink events.

The post How Surrounding Myself with Kinksters Made Me Finally Accept My Kinks appeared first on Free the Kink.

this girl has been in a  lot of fights lol. Even broke her trigger finger because of a horrible punch lol. her husband decided it might be beneficial to get her trained as a boxer. But she had a secret that she kept from him, from everyone. Until HIM.  The FLYGOD shares her affinity for boxing. And she confessed to her secret to Him. Instead of judging, He embraced it and assured her that she would be able to explore it. GLORIOUS. So now…with His patience and guidance…she can be free to indulge.  The gloves, the heavy bag, the sound of punches landing, the scents, the sweat…sensory overload. Watching an MMA Event is pure heaven for her. The sheer power. And sparring with Him is the ultimate in bliss. Because when it’s over, even though she inevitably loses…she wins.    

The FLYGOD LOVES when this girl struggles. It makes Him get rougher with her. His eyes become glazed over like He is in another place entirely. “Go ahead…no one can save you. Did you forget? Your ass belongs to ME!” When He holds this girl down and shoves every inch inside her, her muffled screams just make Him even harder. “Keep fighting me and I’ll keep hurting you.” The secret is…she LOVES EVERY AGONIZING MOMENT OF IT.  It’s like a deliciously decadent dance; elegant yet Primal. Savage and sensual. The moment she gives up fighting Him because He is so powerful is peaceful to her. she needs that. she yearns for it. To be taken, savagely and completely. To be reminded that she is Owned.

Now for the scientific part lol.  

Agonophilia: sexual desire that stems from pretend sexual violence and pretend fighting, boxing, etc. According to Kinkly, “People who experience Agonophilia are aroused by the struggle and the feeling of power over another person. A willing partner will pretend to resist one’s advances before giving in. The “struggle” may involve BDSM practices and devices, such as cuffs and chains.”

Is there potential for confusion or blurred lines between what is pleasurable and what is harmful? Absolutely! this girl kept this part of herself from her husband and she’s known him her entire life because she was afraid he would never understand.  And many won’t.  But W/we don’t need them to understand.  Be brave. Be honest. The way to keep this in perspective is through communication and transparency. Talk about it. Plan it out. But remember that the spontaneous aspect is critical to Agonophiliacs to heighten their desire. So, as with CNC, be ready to NOT be ready lol. this girl hopes that makes sense. It is important to acknowledge that negotiation and consent MUST take place before this type of event occurs. It may or may not be Y/your thing for MANY reasons and that is cool. But it is NOT abuse! Consent is the key.

So how do W/we make this a reality? It can start with a simple conversation. Discuss boundaries,  limits, location, duration, equipment all other logistics. This is also a great opportunity to script it all out for complete clarity and consent. Some have gone so far as to have releases drawn up and signed. Better safe than sorry, right?

Bottom Line…this is something Y/you choose to explore, make damn sure that Y/you approach it with clarity,  caution and consent, Y/y’all.

~His Duchess

The post “Ready…FIGHT!” appeared first on Free the Kink.