When it comes to relationships, deciphering what you need versus what you want can feel like a tug of war between your inner toddler and your adult self. On one hand, you might think, “I need my partner to bring me breakfast in bed every Sunday.” But do you really need that? Or do you just want to feel pampered, which, let’s be honest, could also be achieved with a hot coffee and a compliment? Let’s break it down and add some humor to this journey of self discovery because nothing says “I’m learning about myself” like laughing along the way.

Needs (The Non Negotiable’s)

Let’s start with the essentials. Your needs in a relationship are the foundational elements that keep it from crumbling faster than a cookie under pressure. These are the things that, if missing, make the relationship unsustainable. Think of needs as the relationship equivalent to air, water, and Wi-Fi. You simply cannot function without them. And for many, needs may change over time as we learn more about ourselves. I know my needs have changed over the last 20 years.

Some common relationship needs might include

Trust (because who can handle a relationship built on paranoia? Not you.)

Respect (you’re not a doormat, so why let someone treat you like one?)

Communication (because guesswork is for guessing games, not love.)

Emotional support (having someone who’s got your back when you’re feeling like life’s punching bag.)

If any of these are consistently absent, it’s not just a “want” unfulfilled, it’s a deep need that’s being ignored. Without meeting these needs, your relationship will start to resemble a house built on sand, ready to collapse at the first sign of a storm. And when that house goes down, it’s not going to be pretty.

Wants (The Icing on the Cake)

Wants, on the other hand, are the nice to haves, the things that would make the relationship sparkle like a perfectly wrapped gift but without them, it won’t unravel. Think of wants as the Netflix subscription of your relationship, nice to have but not essential for survival.

Some wants might include

A partner who can cook like Gordon Ramsay. (Yes, please, but takeout exists.)

Weekend getaways to exotic destinations. (Wouldn’t hurt but your couch and Netflix can provide just as much relaxation.)

Someone who texts back within 0.3 seconds. (It’s nice for the ego, but they could just be doing real life stuff like driving or saving a kitten from a tree.)

Wants add flavor and excitement to the relationship, but here’s the kicker, you won’t always get what you want. And that’s okay. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “If I don’t get this, can I still be happy in this relationship?” If the answer is yes, then congratulations! You’ve identified a want.

Navigating the Not Getting What You Want Scenario

Now let’s dive into what happens when you don’t get what you want. In relationships, it’s like ordering a fancy meal and receiving a side salad instead. Disappointing? Sure. Worth ending things over? Probably not.
When faced with unmet wants, ask yourself,

Is this truly important? (Will the lack of breakfast in bed make or break my happiness?)

Can I compromise? (Maybe we settle for breakfast on the couch.)

Is it worth a conversation? (Some wants are worth communicating about if they affect your overall satisfaction, but don’t approach it like you’re starting a war over an unwashed dish.)

Relationships are about compromise. So, if your partner isn’t giving you every little thing you desire, it doesn’t mean they’re failing you. It just means you’re both humans, not relationship robots programmed to serve up perfection 24/7.

The Tricky Part, When Needs Aren’t Met

If your relationship isn’t meeting your core needs, then you’ve got a bigger issue on your hands than just missing out on your morning cappuccino. Needs are non negotiable, and if your partner consistently disregards them, it’s time to have a serious chat or reconsider if this relationship is serving your well being.

Here’s the key: never compromise on your needs. It’s like deciding to live without oxygen m, you can survive for a bit, but it won’t end well.

If you’re feeling unsupported, disrespected, or like communication is pulling teeth, it’s worth addressing head on. Don’t wait until you’re two years in, arguing about why they didn’t text you back when the root problem is something deeper. This is so important because you can share and communicate a need a million times but if your partner can’t handle it or won’t handle it, then it may be time to consider things further. Be clear, be direct and for the love of all things holy, be open to listening when your partner shares their needs, too. Some people would rather stick their head in the sand than deal with tough situations no matter what you do.

How to Decipher Needs vs. Wants

Here’s a little exercise for when you’re trying to determine if something is a need or a want:

Ask yourself: “If I don’t get this, can I function happily in this relationship?”
• If the answer is “no,” it’s probably a need.
• If the answer is “yes, but I’ll be a little cranky,” it’s likely a want.

Visualize the worst case scenario. Will not getting what you want lead to the relationship’s downfall, or will you both find a way to laugh about it later? If you can imagine the two of you chuckling over it down the road, it’s likely a want.

Be honest…

Sometimes we think something is a need because we’re upset in the moment. But if you take a deep breath and reflect, you might realize you can do without it (even if that “it” is your partner forgetting your birthday again).

You Can’t Always Get What You Want, But You Do Deserve What You Need

The Rolling Stones had it right, you can’t always get what you want. But in relationships, if you try sometimes, you find… you do get what you need. The trick is being honest with yourself, your partner, and learning to distinguish between the two.

Also it is really important to remember that our needs may change over time. This can lead to unfortunate situations but must be dealt with.

So next time you’re feeling unfulfilled, take a moment to ask yourself, “Is this something I need for my happiness and well being, or is it just a fleeting want?” With a little introspection and some humor along the way you can navigate the delicate balance between needs and wants like a pro. And hey, if all else fails, there’s always takeout.

The post Needs vs. Wants in Relationships appeared first on Free the Kink.

The Reality is Routine Can Creep In

First, let’s talk about the elephant in the room, routine. The very thing that gives you comfort such as knowing exactly when your partner will steal the covers can sometimes dull the excitement. It’s natural for couples to settle into patterns, but when your romantic life starts feeling more like a chore list or Christmas wish list rather than a wild adventure, it’s time to shake things up.

Challenge #1: Life’s Relentless Interruptions

It seems that as soon as you make plans to “spice things up,” life decides to intervene. The dog gets sick, the kids suddenly can’t find anything for school, or you both fall into bed after a long day just wanting to sleep for 12 hours straight. By the time you’re actually alone, your idea of getting wild is ordering Thai food without checking the Yelp reviews.

Solution

Make Time, Don’t Wait for Time

Scheduling intimacy might not sound sexy at first, but think of it like booking a vacation, anticipation builds excitement. Pencil in time for each other, but keep it flexible. Even if life throws a curveball, like the dog deciding your sexy mood music is their cue to howl along, laugh it off. Embrace those chaotic moments and make a point to focus on each other when it calms down.

Challenge #2: The Fear of Suggesting Something New

We get it. Suggesting something new can be intimidating, especially if you’ve been together a while. One of the most common questions at FTK is “how do I get my partner to try X?” It’s easy to worry about being judged or sounding like you’ve just read a “50 Tips to Woo Your Partner” listicle from 2011. But here’s the thing, novelty is key to excitement. It’s not about outlandish ideas or making drastic changes all at one time, it’s about exploring together in ways that make you both feel good.

Solution

Open Communication with a Side of Humor

The best way to approach this is with a dash of humor and openness. Say something like, “Hey, I read about this thing, and I thought it could be fun, what do you think?” Keep the conversation light and be open to their thoughts. The goal is to create a space where you can both be curious and playful, rather than nervous or self conscious.

If all else fails, you can always blame it on the internet: “So, I saw this thing on TikTok, and apparently everyone’s trying it…” Sometimes, just framing it as a bit of an adventure can take the pressure off and lead to a fun, shared experience.

Challenge #3: Navigating Mismatched Libidos

Here’s the not so secret truth about relationships, people have different levels of desire at different times. You might be ready to reenact a steamy romance scene while your partner is more in the mood for a nap after too many tacos. It’s a normal part of life, but it can cause frustration if you’re not careful.

Solution

Embrace the Ebbs and Flows

The key here is understanding and patience. Recognize that desire ebbs and flows naturally and rather than forcing the issue use it as an opportunity to connect in other ways. Sometimes, a slow burn is even better than a sudden spark. Offer affection in non physical forms like a backrub or a heartfelt compliment and let things evolve organically.

Of course, it helps if you can laugh about it. A well timed joke about “romancing the tacos” or pretending to “woo” your partner with your smooth cooking skills can diffuse any awkwardness. Especially for me because I can burn water. The idea is to stay connected even when things aren’t as hot and heavy as you’d like.

Challenge #4: Getting Out of a Rut

Every couple hits that point where they’ve tried all their go to moves and feel like they’re stuck in a loop. Same routine, same positions, same playlist, seriously, is it time to retire that one Marvin Gaye song yet?. The rut can leave you both feeling like you’ve plateaued.

Solution

Get Creative, Start Small

Expanding your intimate life doesn’t mean you have to leap into anything extreme. Start small, try changing up your environment, hotel stays or even camping in the backyard for a night, experimenting with different kinds of touch or playing with the mood lighting in your home. Bring humor into the mix, pretend like you’re characters from a movie, because who doesn’t like a little role play? Anything that breaks the routine can add freshness to your connection.

You can also try sharing fantasies in a light hearted way. Turn it into a game where each of you writes down an idea and you randomly pick one to explore together. The point isn’t to pressure anyone, it’s to laugh, connect and discover what feels fun and exciting.

Challenge #5: Feeling Out of Sync

You know that feeling where everything’s going great, except you’re just not in sync? You’re into candlelight, they’re into dim lamps. You’re ready for action but they’re thinking about tomorrow’s to do list. It happens to the best of us.

Solution

Build Emotional and Physical Intimacy Together

To sync up, focus on emotional connection as much as the physical side. Engage in activities that foster closeness whether it’s a long conversation, sharing a hobby or a spontaneous date or kink night. The closer you feel emotionally, the more likely you’ll feel in sync physically. Humor helps here, too.

Playfully acknowledge when you’re out of sync and use it as an opportunity to regroup, “Maybe we need a couple’s retreat, all the way to the fridge for snacks!”

Sometimes, just recognizing that you’re out of sync, sharing a laugh about it and trying again later can relieve the tension and bring you back together.

Keep the Fun Alive, Don’t Take It All Too Seriously

At the end of the day the secret to keeping your intimate life exciting is to not take it too seriously. Relationships thrive on fun, playfulness and humor, so don’t be afraid to laugh together, especially when things don’t go as planned. Stay curious about each other, communicate openly and most importantly, have fun.

Remember, expanding your intimate life doesn’t have to mean overhauling it, it’s about making small tweaks, exploring together and keeping a sense of adventure. Even if that adventure sometimes involves pizza, pajamas and reruns of your favorite show, you’re still building intimacy in ways that are uniquely yours. And that’s where the magic lies.

The post How to Keep the Spark Alive appeared first on Free the Kink.

Discrediting Your Feelings and Experiences

One significant sign of gaslighting is when someone undermines or dismisses your emotions, opinions, or experiences. They may tell you that you’re too sensitive, overreacting, or imagining things. By invalidating your feelings, the gaslighter gains control and makes you doubt your own judgment.

Constant Denial and Contradiction

Gaslighters often deny things they previously said or done, making you question your memory or perception of events. They might flat-out deny or refute their actions, causing confusion and self doubt. Consistent contradiction creates a sense of instability, leaving you feeling unsure and vulnerable.

Manipulative Distortion of Facts

Gaslighters frequently twist facts, manipulate information, or selectively omit details to shape a narrative that suits their agenda. They may alter events, make false accusations, or even present alternative realities. This intentional distortion of facts makes it difficult for you to trust your own judgment and memories.

Blaming and Shifting Responsibility

A gaslighter consistently avoids taking responsibility for their actions and instead places blame on others. They may shift blame onto you or make you feel guilty for their behavior. By deflecting accountability, they maintain power and control, leaving you feeling guilty and responsible for their actions.

Isolation and Alienation

Gaslighters often isolate their victims from friends, family, or support networks. They may criticize your relationships, discourage you from spending time with loved ones, or even spread rumors to damage your social connections. This isolation enhances their control over you, making you more dependent on them for validation and support.

Gradual Erosion of Self Confidence

Over time, gaslighting can erode your self confidence and self esteem. The gaslighter may constantly belittle you, question your abilities, or make you feel inadequate. Their relentless criticism and undermining gradually diminish your self worth, making you more susceptible to their manipulation.

Gaslighter as the “Authority”

Gaslighters often position themselves as the ultimate authority, using their perceived power and knowledge to assert control. They may act condescendingly, patronize you, or behave as if their opinions and perspectives are the only valid ones. By positioning themselves as the dominant authority figure, they further undermine your confidence and autonomy.

Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial in safeguarding your emotional well being and maintaining healthy relationships. Trust your instincts, seek support from trusted individuals, and consider professional help if needed. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, empathy, and honesty in all your relationships.

The post Recognizing the Signs of Gaslighting – Shedding Light on Manipulative Tactics appeared first on Free the Kink.

Establish Trust and Open Communication

Trust is the foundation of any BDSM relationship, and it becomes even more critical when dealing with past traumas. The Dominant must create an environment where the submissive feels safe to share their experiences and emotions without fear of judgment or re-traumatization. Encouraging open communication and active listening allows the Dominant to understand the submissive’s needs, triggers, and boundaries better.

Educate Yourself on Trauma

To effectively support a submissive with past traumas, the Dominant should invest time in educating themselves about trauma, its effects, and appropriate ways to address it. Understanding the psychological and emotional impact of trauma equips the Dominant with the knowledge necessary to approach the healing process in a sensitive and informed manner.

Practice Sensitivity and Patience

Recovery from trauma is a gradual process that requires patience and sensitivity from both the Dominant and the submissive. The Dominant should be aware that healing takes time and be prepared for setbacks along the way. By demonstrating patience, the Dominant helps create a safe space where the submissive feels accepted and supported in their journey of healing.

Establish Safe Triggers and Boundaries

Trauma can often manifest as triggers, which are reminders of past traumatic experiences that can induce intense emotional or physical reactions. The Dominant and submissive should work together to identify these triggers and establish clear boundaries to avoid inadvertently causing distress. Open dialogue about triggers can help the Dominant modify scenes, activities, or language to ensure the submissive’s emotional well being.

Create a Ritual of Consensual Consent

Consent plays a vital role in any BDSM relationship. Establishing a ritual of consensual consent, such as the use of safewords or other agreed upon signals, empowers the submissive and provides them with a sense of control. This practice allows the submissive to communicate their needs and limitations, ensuring their comfort and security throughout the dynamic.

Utilize Therapeutic Techniques

Drawing from therapeutic techniques can be helpful when assisting a submissive in addressing past traumas. The Dominant can collaborate with the submissive to identify strategies like grounding exercises, mindfulness techniques, or breathing exercises that aid in managing anxiety or triggering situations. These techniques can be integrated into scenes or used independently to support the submissive’s emotional well being.

Encourage Professional Support

While the Dominant can provide significant support, it is essential to acknowledge the limitations of their role. Encouraging the submissive to seek professional help from therapists or counselors who specialize in trauma can be invaluable. Professional guidance can offer additional tools, coping mechanisms, and a safe space for the submissive to process their experiences.

When a Dominant takes on the responsibility of supporting a submissive with past traumas, they are entrusted with a significant role in their healing journey. By establishing trust, practicing open communication, and nurturing a safe environment, the Dominant can create the foundation necessary for the submissive to heal and grow. Remember, every individual’s needs and experiences are unique, so adaptability, empathy, and a willingness to learn and adapt are crucial. Ultimately, the goal is to create a BDSM relationship that not only embraces consensual power dynamics but also provides a platform for healing and personal growth.

By acknowledging and addressing past traumas, the Dominant demonstrates their commitment to the well being of their submissive. Together, they can explore new boundaries, rebuild trust, and foster a sense of empowerment. It is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and ongoing communication.

However, it’s essential to note that the role of a Dominant is not that of a therapist or a substitute for professional help. Encouraging the submissive to seek professional support is crucial in providing comprehensive care. Professional therapists can offer specialized guidance and therapeutic techniques tailored to the submissive’s specific needs.

Remember, every individual’s healing journey is unique, and it may require adapting and adjusting techniques along the way. With a commitment to ongoing support and a focus on consent, a Dominant can provide the foundation for their submissive’s healing, helping them reclaim their power and create a fulfilling BDSM dynamic built on trust, growth, and mutual respect.

The post Nurturing Healing – How a Dominant Can Support Their Submissive in Dealing with Past Traumas appeared first on Free the Kink.

Prioritize Open Communication

Effective communication serves as the foundation for intimacy in any relationship. Create a safe space where both you and your partner can express your thoughts, feelings, and desires openly and honestly. Practice active listening, giving your undivided attention, and showing empathy towards each other. Regularly check in with each other, discussing both the joys and challenges you face. By fostering open communication, you create an atmosphere of trust and understanding, strengthening the intimacy between you.

Nurture Emotional Connection

Emotional intimacy thrives when partners feel emotionally connected and supported. Make an effort to understand your partner’s emotional needs and be responsive to them. Engage in activities that promote emotional bonding, such as sharing your dreams and fears, expressing gratitude, and engaging in quality time together. Show empathy and validate each other’s emotions, creating an environment where both partners feel safe and understood. By nurturing emotional connection, you enhance intimacy and deepen your emotional bond.

Explore Shared Interests

Discovering and exploring shared interests can be a wonderful way to foster intimacy in a relationship. Find activities or hobbies that you both enjoy and engage in them together. It could be anything from cooking together, taking dance classes, or going on outdoor adventures. By participating in shared activities, you create opportunities for quality time, collaboration, and mutual growth. Engaging in new experiences together strengthens the bond between partners and provides a shared sense of excitement and fulfillment.

Practice Physical Affection

Physical affection is an integral part of intimacy. From holding hands to cuddling and kissing, physical touch helps maintain a strong connection between partners. Make a conscious effort to incorporate physical affection into your daily routine. Take time to hug, cuddle, or kiss your partner, even during the busiest of days. Engaging in non-sexual physical touch fosters feelings of closeness and reassurance. Remember, small gestures of physical affection can go a long way in nurturing intimacy and strengthening your bond.

Prioritize Quality Time

In our fast paced lives, it’s easy to get caught up in work and other commitments, neglecting the quality time we spend with our partners. However, dedicating uninterrupted time solely for each other is crucial for building intimacy. Set aside regular date nights or create rituals that allow you to connect on a deeper level. It could be cooking a meal together, going for a walk, or simply having a technology free evening. Quality time enables partners to engage in meaningful conversations, share experiences, and deepen their understanding of each other, fostering intimacy and a sense of togetherness.

Cultivating intimacy requires effort, understanding, and a commitment to strengthening the connection between partners. By prioritizing open communication, nurturing emotional connection, exploring shared interests, practicing physical affection, and prioritizing quality time, you can create a thriving atmosphere of intimacy in your relationship. Remember, intimacy is an ongoing process that requires consistent attention and care. Embrace these tips, adapt them to your unique relationship, and watch as your bond deepens and flourishes.

The post 5 Effective Tips for Cultivating Intimacy in Your Relationship appeared first on Free the Kink.

I am passionate about BDSM and I am a huge advocate for Polyamory.

I mean really…At this point, practically everyone has heard of polyamory…A form of consensual non-monogamy in which people have multiple romantic and/or sexual partners at one time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

However, far fewer people have heard of ambiamory…A relationship orientation that is actually far more common than most people realize.

So, Matthias, what the hell is ambiamory?

Rather than having strict requirements or strong preferences that their relationships be monogamous or polyamorous, people who consider themselves ambiamorous find themselves happy being in either relationship system. It all depends on what is going on in their lives and who they are dating.

Ambiamory challenges a lot of ideas we hold about relationships, including the relationship escalator…A set of internalized beliefs and social norms that many people follow if you will.

Essentially, many of us have learned to believe that a relationship should start in a culturally approved, conventional way and progress through a series of milestones in a predictable manner otherwise, the relationship isn’t considered viable or healthy. Under the auspices of the relationship escalator, there is only one right way to have a relationship. You meet. You date. After a certain number of dates, you may have sex. Then, after a significant length of time passes, you become engaged, get married, move in with one another and have kids, living monogamously ever after.

If you deviate at all from this prototypical relationship, for example if you choose not to have kids or even live with your partner, or if you live together before marriage or decide to have an open relationship or be part of a polyamorous relationship system, then your relationship may be considered flawed, less than, or not “Real, true love.”

So, in spite of the number of people who take an escalator view of romantic relationships (Although many of them are not even consciously aware that they are doing so) it is not too difficult to find relationships all around us that are violating its norms. It is really all a matter of degree as well as which violations are considered more taboo by society.

Like others open to multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved, ambiamorous people challenge the notion that monogamy is required for happily ever after. However, ambiamory also rejects the idea that polyamory is necessarily a superior state of relationship utopia.

Instead of adhering to the premise that either monogamy or nonmonogamy is an ideal relationship structure on the relationship escalator, ambiamory advises for relationship structures that instead fit the individuals involved in them as well as the life situations in which they find themselves.

Those who identify as ambiamorous is of course just one of many forms of relationship beliefs that a person can have that rejects the notion that relationships have to unfold a certain way or have a certain structure to be valuable. There are other popular relationship styles that challenge the relationship escalator.

For example, relationship anarchy is a philosophy and approach that maintains that relationships should not be bound by any rules or restrictions that the individuals involved have not explicitly, mutually agreed upon.

Okay, so the next question would be…

Why would a person even identify as ambiamorous?

Hmm…Look at it from this point of view…

Most commonly, a person identifies as ambiamorous because it’s important for them to signal to people that they are open to having either monogamous or nonmonogamous romantic relationships. This may happen for several reasons:

They want to acknowledge that they have experience and/or comfort with polyamorous relationship systems but are not closed to the prospect of being monogamous with a single partner.

They are currently either in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship system and do not want the other side of their identity to be erased by their current status. Much in the same way that a person can be bisexual and monogamous (because of their relationship history or the nature of their attractions to more than one gender), current relationship structure is not the same thing as relationship orientation. Identifying as ambiamorous emphasizes that and also makes it clear that you consider all of your past relationships a valid part of your history (Whether they were monogamous or nonmonogamous).

They want to be part of both polyamorous and monogamous social communities, while emphasizing that they do not consider either relationship structure to be “The one true way” for people to have happy relationships. Now, there are plenty of people who believe this who are not ambiamorous. However, openly identifying as ambiamorous can be a strong way to convey and embody that message.

Another question one might ask is why would a ambiamorus person choose monogamy?

Another great question.

As a person who has a number of ambiamorous friends, I can think of several reasons why an ambiamorous person might opt for a monogamous relationship at certain time and a polyamorous relationship system at others:

They want to be with a person who prefers a monogamous relationship. This is a very common reason and very straightforward. Even though they may enjoy being a part of polyamorous relationship systems, sometimes an ambiamorous person will opt to only date one person because that’s what their partner wants. While this might be a huge sacrifice for someone who prefers polyamory, there are ambiamorous folks for whom this sort of adjustment isn’t really a big deal at all, especially when there are other factors at play.

They do not have the emotional bandwidth because they are doing some heavy emotional work, grieving someone or something, or healing from breakups. Even if their partner is open to their seeking other partners, many ambiamorous people will become functionally monogamous for long stretches of time if they don’t have the emotional energy for multiple partners.

Maybe they opted to simplify their romantic life to save time, energy and hassle. Sometimes it is because they are busy with nonromantic concerns (Due to work, caregiving, illness etc.). Other folks who typically enjoy many aspects of polyamorous relationship systems will end up transitioning to dating a single partner because they struggled with the organizational and/or time management challenges and extensive relationship talks that can accompany the polyamorous life.

Or maybe, just maybe, they are tired of the stigma that often comes with polyamorous relationships and have consciously opted to live a more conventional life.

With that said, A ambiamorous person may choose polyamory because:

They want to be with a person that has polyamorous relationships.

Again, this is a very common reason and very straightforward. While someone who is strictly monogamous might consider it a large sacrifice to adapt to dating a polyamorous person, for an ambiamorous person this is typically not that big of a deal at all, especially if they, too, are able to pursue relationships with other people if they want.

Hey, maybe they hit the love jackpot and found multiple people that they love and connect with on a deep level and who fit into their life beautifully and harmoniously.

They enjoy the close network of support and friendship that can form between metamours. Their relationship system often functions as a chosen family.

They place a high value upon allowing their partners to have the freedom to see other people, even in situations where they themselves may date less frequently than their partners (or even be functionally monogamous themselves, from time to time).

While public awareness of ambiamory still remains relatively low, emerging research is supporting the idea that there are an awful lot of people out there who are not dead set on monogamy or nonmonogamy. Instead, there are a lot of people whose ideal relationship could be either of these (or somewhere in between). And instead of monogamy and nonmonogamy existing as a strict binary, there seems to be a spectrum with lots of people who find themselves somewhere in the middle.

The post Ambiamory appeared first on Free the Kink.

/founˈdāSH(ə)n/

(noun)

an underlying basis or principle.

Heyyy, y’all! E/every one of U/us can agree that O/our Thing has evolved through the years. What W/we can NOT seem to agree on is if all of the changes are good ones or not lol. So let’s take a look at a few things that will NEVER change, shall W/we? this girl was taught some “Essential Guidelines of BDSM” during her training and they remain VERY important in her journey.

1. Be Self Aware. This means knowledge of self. Y/you should know what Y/your basic needs, intentions, limitations, etc are. What side (maybe even both) of the slash You are on. Be prepared to ask as well as answer questions. ALWAYS be willing to learn. Education is a major component of O/our Thing because safety is critical. So is doing constant Self Assessment and always being willing and able to process everything W/we experience.
2. Be HONEST. This one would seem self explanatory! But some of U/us still operate under the assumption that deceit and manipulation are perfectly fine. Nah, boo boo…lying Y/your way in and/or out of Dynamics affects ALL of U/us. If word gets out that someone is not to be trusted, some will retreat. Others might join the “BS Train” and decide that dishonesty works for them. O/others might explore why T/they or the other folks chose dishonesty and deceit; which leads back to increasing knowledge of self. Bottom line…be honest. Demand honesty from E/everyone in Y/your orbit. That strengthens the entire community.
3. Don’t touch someone else’s property without permission; whether it be a toy, tool or person. E V E R . It will end badly.
4. Be Respectful. Another self explanatory one, right? Yeah, not so much. So often there are folks who move throughout their Communities like bulls in a China shop; without regard for anything but themselves. T/they approach folks with no respect for T/their dynamics. They are rude, condescending, judgey, shamey, stubborn, negative, abrasive, arrogant, ignorant to name a few. And T/their lack of respect for anyone or anything can become a roadblock to the growth of O/others. O/our Thing can be difficult enough to navigate already; add in a disrespectful person and Chaos is the result. Of course, if W/we take the time to educate and redirect T/them, E/everyone will learn and grow from it. That is the ideal but not often the reality.
5. Consent is Critical. This is because BDSM play often pushes more personal boundaries and involves play that may be uncomfortable, painful or even dangerous. More detail about this will be in a subsequent post. Stay tuned.
6. Without trust, nothing meaningful happens. Building trust takes time. The amount of time varies due to, well, life. W/we all have different perspectives, personalities, experiences and expectations. How do W/we build trust? Be honest. Honor O/our commitments. Admit when W/we are wrong. Communicate effectively. Be vulnerable. Be helpful. Show people that W/we care. Be present.
7. Talk, Dangit! Being mysterious and elusive is sometimes considered intriguing. But not when W/we are trying to get to know people and/or learn. Communication is essential. W/we need to be willing and able to tell O/others about O/ourselves. W/we need to be able to convey O/our thoughts and emotions. Give and receive feedback. Teach, learn and grow. How many of U/us know what type of communication style W/we use in certain situations? A few things to ponder as we navigate through O/our journeys.
8. NEVER STOP LEARNING. EVER. There is so much going on in O/our Thing that there is not one person who knows EVERYTHING. So W/we must keep researching and educating O/ourselves always.
9. Don’t be an A-hole. Be kind, considerate, approachable and authentic. Don’t demean, shame, humilate and/or judge A/anyone unless it’s their Kink.
10. Take Y/your journey seriously. No matter how Y/you do whatever Y/you do, be prepared, safe, knowledgeable and realistic. Be an example to O/others.

Wayyyy back then, this girl was thinking, “It doesn’t matter what others think!” And to an extent that is true. However sometimes W/we cannot control who is watching U/us. Especially if W/we are active in O/our Communities. this girl was and is still reminded of another essential thing….Mindfulness. Mindful of the fact that while all of these essentials are applicable in every aspect of O/our lives, they are even more important in O/our Thing. this girl is grateful for the Pillars of BDSM (Respect, Honesty, Trust and Communication) being clearly broken down for her before she was even allowed to “get her hands dirty” so to speak. Because once she did…it “hit different.”

Bottom line…while O/our Thing evolves and changes, it helps if W/we all have a foundation of essential guidelines that W/we take along with U/us on O/our journeys to keep us grounded and focused, right?

~ His Duchess

The post “A Firm Foundation” appeared first on Free the Kink.

For the sake of comparison, my ex and I used to fight almost constantly; slamming doors, yelling, cursing, the whole bit. I guess that Dahlia and I are blessed to be able to talk about things without the need to yell or bottle them up until they burst.

Not everyone is so lucky though, so how should you handle arguments in a D/s relationship?

First of all, do not run away from the conflict. If you dump someone just because of conflict you will constantly be searching for a perfect partner and none will ever exist. Resolving conflicts in relationships is a very valuable life skill to develop. You need to learn to work on the problem and strive to come up with solutions that meet the needs of the relationship together.  I know you have heard this before, but the only person you can change is you. The only attitude you can change is yours. You cannot make someone else change for you…No matter how badly you want them to. (Yes, even in a D/s relationship where a submissive is learning new behaviors, they are doing it because they want to do it, just for different reasons.)

Tempers flare in an argument. Take a moment to go to your proverbial corners to cool off before facing the problem. You will never resolve the issue if you cannot think and talk about it calmly and really listen to the other person.

Take a moment and brainstorm 10 ways you can cool off and regain your composure. Consider the following: make a cup of coffee or tea, take a short walk, step outside and look up into the sky, take 5 long, deep breaths, read a favorite poem or quote, close your eyes for a moment and count to 10, write in a journal and then come back together to work out the problem.

You should always approach problems as equal partners, even if D/s is the issue. Maintaining roles will just get in the way of progress in conflict resolution. Even those of us in 24/7 type relationships can recognize when being Dominant and submissive will not make things easy.

Drop your idea that one of you is the Dominant and the other is the submissive and look to each other as partners in a relationship.

Another tactic that you may have heard is to use the “I” statement as opposed to the “You” statements. “I messages” are a tool for expressing how you feel without attacking or blaming. By starting with “I” you take responsibility for the way you perceive the problem.

This is in sharp contrast to “you messages” which put others on the defensive and close doors to communication. A statement like, “You’ve left the kitchen a mess again! Can’t you ever clean up after yourself?” will escalate the conflict. Now take a look at how differently an “I message” comes across: “I’m annoyed because I thought we agreed you’d clean up the kitchen after using it. What happened?”

Coming up with solutions together will help you realize that there are probably several ways to solve your problem. When you can decide on a compromise together it will strengthen your resolve to make it work.

Three Types of Healthy Solutions:

1. Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not like your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another alternative that you both like and want.
2. No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
3. Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There will be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you don’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be the winner

• From Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

Forgive or Thank Them…A handshake, hug, or kind word gives closure to the resolution of conflicts. Forgiveness is the highest form of closure. Just saying thank you at the end of a conflict, or acknowledging the person for working things out sends a message of conciliation and gratitude. We preserve our relationships this way, strengthening our connections and working through problems that arise.

The post Handling Arguments appeared first on Free the Kink.