Ah, compersion, the elusive, unicorn like feeling that every polyamorous person aspires to. If you’ve ever experienced that warm glow of happiness when your partner is off having fun with someone else, instead of hiding under the bed with a bag of chips and Netflix, congratulations, you’ve tapped into compersion. In polyamory, it’s the emotional equivalent of cheering your partner on as they enjoy another relationship, without feeling the need to launch a jealous coup.

But let’s be real, compersion is a bit of a tricky beast. It’s not always the default emotion, especially when you’ve been conditioned by a lifetime of rom coms to believe that love is all about “finding the one” and holding on for dear life. Polyamory challenges that notion by saying, “Hey, maybe there’s more than one ‘one’?” and then expects you to feel good about it. Easy, right? Spoiler alert, not always.

In this article we’ll break down what compersion is, why it’s hard sometimes and most importantly, how you can make it easier to high five your partner as they gallop off into the sunset with someone else.

So, What Exactly Is Compersion?

Think of compersion as the warm, fuzzy feeling you get when your best friend wins the lottery except instead of money, your partner’s winning love, affection and let’s be honest, probably some very fun dates. You’re genuinely happy for them, even if you’re not directly involved.

It’s like watching someone eat cake and being happy that they’re enjoying it, even if you didn’t get a slice. But in polyamory, it’s deeper than just passive acceptance, it’s about actively finding joy in your partner’s happiness, knowing that love isn’t a zero sum game. Who knew love could be like the cake in “Mythbusters”, it’s actually infinite.

Now, before you break out the balloons and streamers to celebrate your partner’s latest love interest, let’s talk about the challenges.
Because despite the sunshine and rainbows vision of compersion, it doesn’t come without its roadblocks.

The Challenges of Compersion
Or, “Why It’s Hard Not to Throw a Tantrum Sometimes”

Jealousy, Insecurity and the Green Eyed Monster

Picture this, your partner texts you to say they’re having an amazing time with someone new. Your brain immediately responds with, “Yay for them!” right? Yeah, sometimes. Other times, it’s more like, “Oh no, what if they like that person way more than me? What if they realize they’ve been settling and run off to start a new life?” Cue, the Green-Eyed Monster.

Jealousy is a natural and normal human emotion and it has a nasty habit of creeping in when we least expect it. Even the most compersive person can have a jealous meltdown when insecurities start whispering in their ear.

Solution

First, breathe. Jealousy isn’t an evil villain you need to banish, it’s just a signal that something deeper is happening. Have a heart to heart with yourself first. What’s really going on? Are you feeling left out? Unappreciated? Or is it simply that society drilled into your head that love should be exclusive? Talk to your partner about it. Nine times out of ten, the reality isn’t as scary as the story you’re telling yourself.

The Baggage of Monogamy

Society tells us that true love is exclusive. From childhood, we’ve been spoon fed stories where “happily ever after” means one person, forever, end of story. So when you’re trying to feel compersion in a polyamorous setup, you’re basically undoing a lifetime of conditioning. No big deal right?

Solution

You have to remind yourself that love is not a limited resource like the last slice of pizza at a party. It’s more like a never ending pizza buffet you can always make more! Surround yourself with poly positive resources like books, podcasts and communities where people understand this stuff. The more you immerse yourself in alternative narratives about love, the easier it becomes to shrug off monogamy baggage.

The Fear of Being Replaced

Okay, this is a big one. What if they fall head over heels in love with this new person and suddenly forget you exist? What if they realize this new partner is more fun, smarter or has a better Netflix queue? Many have been there and trust me, the fear of being replaced is very real.

Solution

Reinforce your connection with your partner. Regular check ins and reassurance go a long way. Your partner is with you for a reason and it’s not just because you’re great at picking dinner spots. Communicate openly about your needs and fears and set up rituals or special moments that make your relationship feel rock solid. Remember, polyamory isn’t a competition it’s about expansion, not replacement.

Time Management Or, “But What About Me?”

Ah, time the ultimate limited resource. When your partner is spending hours, or days with someone else, it’s easy to feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick. Suddenly, their schedule looks like a Tetris game and you’re wondering where you fit in.

Solution

Get ahead of the scheduling madness by communicating your needs. Maybe you need a specific day set aside for just the two of you, or perhaps a quick text during their date helps you feel connected. Time management in polyamory is like juggling, but with some planning, no one has to feel like they’re dropping the ball.

How to Embrace Compersion Without Losing Your Mind

Celebrate Their Wins

When your partner comes home all starry eyed from a great date, resist the urge to throw a pity party. Instead, try to feel happy for them. It’s like rooting for them at a game they’re winning. Even if you’re not playing, you can cheer from the sidelines and genuinely feel joy for their experience.

Take Care of Yourself

Self care is your best friend in polyamory. Whether that means scheduling a date night with yourself, diving into your favorite hobby or binge watching a series that only you enjoy, taking time for yourself helps soothe any emotional wobbles that might come up. The happier and more fulfilled you are, the easier it is to feel compersion.

Talk It Out

Compersion doesn’t magically happen overnight. You and your partner will have bumps along the way, so don’t be afraid to have the tough conversations. Feeling weird? Bring it up. Struggling with jealousy? Talk about it. Open, honest communication is the rocket fuel for polyamory and compersion can’t exist without it.

Remember the Fun of Polyamory

Sometimes, when jealousy or insecurity hits, it helps to take a step back and remember why you chose polyamory in the first place. Whether it’s the adventure, the new connections or the freedom to explore love in all its forms, keeping the bigger picture in mind can make the day to day challenges feel more manageable.

Compersion, the Superpower You Didn’t Know You Had

Compersion is a superpower, one that takes time, patience and a lot of self awareness to develop. It’s not always easy and you’re definitely allowed to have your off days, or weeks. But with communication, trust and a little humor, compersion can add a whole new layer of joy to your relationships.

Remember, love isn’t like cake where there’s only one slice to go around, it’s more like a bottomless mimosa brunch. There’s plenty for everyone and if you’re lucky, you’ll get to enjoy the process, too.

The post What is Compersion? appeared first on Free the Kink.

I am passionate about BDSM and I am a huge advocate for Polyamory.

I mean really…At this point, practically everyone has heard of polyamory…A form of consensual non-monogamy in which people have multiple romantic and/or sexual partners at one time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

However, far fewer people have heard of ambiamory…A relationship orientation that is actually far more common than most people realize.

So, Matthias, what the hell is ambiamory?

Rather than having strict requirements or strong preferences that their relationships be monogamous or polyamorous, people who consider themselves ambiamorous find themselves happy being in either relationship system. It all depends on what is going on in their lives and who they are dating.

Ambiamory challenges a lot of ideas we hold about relationships, including the relationship escalator…A set of internalized beliefs and social norms that many people follow if you will.

Essentially, many of us have learned to believe that a relationship should start in a culturally approved, conventional way and progress through a series of milestones in a predictable manner otherwise, the relationship isn’t considered viable or healthy. Under the auspices of the relationship escalator, there is only one right way to have a relationship. You meet. You date. After a certain number of dates, you may have sex. Then, after a significant length of time passes, you become engaged, get married, move in with one another and have kids, living monogamously ever after.

If you deviate at all from this prototypical relationship, for example if you choose not to have kids or even live with your partner, or if you live together before marriage or decide to have an open relationship or be part of a polyamorous relationship system, then your relationship may be considered flawed, less than, or not “Real, true love.”

So, in spite of the number of people who take an escalator view of romantic relationships (Although many of them are not even consciously aware that they are doing so) it is not too difficult to find relationships all around us that are violating its norms. It is really all a matter of degree as well as which violations are considered more taboo by society.

Like others open to multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved, ambiamorous people challenge the notion that monogamy is required for happily ever after. However, ambiamory also rejects the idea that polyamory is necessarily a superior state of relationship utopia.

Instead of adhering to the premise that either monogamy or nonmonogamy is an ideal relationship structure on the relationship escalator, ambiamory advises for relationship structures that instead fit the individuals involved in them as well as the life situations in which they find themselves.

Those who identify as ambiamorous is of course just one of many forms of relationship beliefs that a person can have that rejects the notion that relationships have to unfold a certain way or have a certain structure to be valuable. There are other popular relationship styles that challenge the relationship escalator.

For example, relationship anarchy is a philosophy and approach that maintains that relationships should not be bound by any rules or restrictions that the individuals involved have not explicitly, mutually agreed upon.

Okay, so the next question would be…

Why would a person even identify as ambiamorous?

Hmm…Look at it from this point of view…

Most commonly, a person identifies as ambiamorous because it’s important for them to signal to people that they are open to having either monogamous or nonmonogamous romantic relationships. This may happen for several reasons:

They want to acknowledge that they have experience and/or comfort with polyamorous relationship systems but are not closed to the prospect of being monogamous with a single partner.

They are currently either in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship system and do not want the other side of their identity to be erased by their current status. Much in the same way that a person can be bisexual and monogamous (because of their relationship history or the nature of their attractions to more than one gender), current relationship structure is not the same thing as relationship orientation. Identifying as ambiamorous emphasizes that and also makes it clear that you consider all of your past relationships a valid part of your history (Whether they were monogamous or nonmonogamous).

They want to be part of both polyamorous and monogamous social communities, while emphasizing that they do not consider either relationship structure to be “The one true way” for people to have happy relationships. Now, there are plenty of people who believe this who are not ambiamorous. However, openly identifying as ambiamorous can be a strong way to convey and embody that message.

Another question one might ask is why would a ambiamorus person choose monogamy?

Another great question.

As a person who has a number of ambiamorous friends, I can think of several reasons why an ambiamorous person might opt for a monogamous relationship at certain time and a polyamorous relationship system at others:

They want to be with a person who prefers a monogamous relationship. This is a very common reason and very straightforward. Even though they may enjoy being a part of polyamorous relationship systems, sometimes an ambiamorous person will opt to only date one person because that’s what their partner wants. While this might be a huge sacrifice for someone who prefers polyamory, there are ambiamorous folks for whom this sort of adjustment isn’t really a big deal at all, especially when there are other factors at play.

They do not have the emotional bandwidth because they are doing some heavy emotional work, grieving someone or something, or healing from breakups. Even if their partner is open to their seeking other partners, many ambiamorous people will become functionally monogamous for long stretches of time if they don’t have the emotional energy for multiple partners.

Maybe they opted to simplify their romantic life to save time, energy and hassle. Sometimes it is because they are busy with nonromantic concerns (Due to work, caregiving, illness etc.). Other folks who typically enjoy many aspects of polyamorous relationship systems will end up transitioning to dating a single partner because they struggled with the organizational and/or time management challenges and extensive relationship talks that can accompany the polyamorous life.

Or maybe, just maybe, they are tired of the stigma that often comes with polyamorous relationships and have consciously opted to live a more conventional life.

With that said, A ambiamorous person may choose polyamory because:

They want to be with a person that has polyamorous relationships.

Again, this is a very common reason and very straightforward. While someone who is strictly monogamous might consider it a large sacrifice to adapt to dating a polyamorous person, for an ambiamorous person this is typically not that big of a deal at all, especially if they, too, are able to pursue relationships with other people if they want.

Hey, maybe they hit the love jackpot and found multiple people that they love and connect with on a deep level and who fit into their life beautifully and harmoniously.

They enjoy the close network of support and friendship that can form between metamours. Their relationship system often functions as a chosen family.

They place a high value upon allowing their partners to have the freedom to see other people, even in situations where they themselves may date less frequently than their partners (or even be functionally monogamous themselves, from time to time).

While public awareness of ambiamory still remains relatively low, emerging research is supporting the idea that there are an awful lot of people out there who are not dead set on monogamy or nonmonogamy. Instead, there are a lot of people whose ideal relationship could be either of these (or somewhere in between). And instead of monogamy and nonmonogamy existing as a strict binary, there seems to be a spectrum with lots of people who find themselves somewhere in the middle.

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While things look bleak right now for those who believe that everyone has a right to consensual sexual pleasure…To live free of hate and fear, to have access to sexual health services, and be able to define their own lives according to to their needs and desires, there are still many good reasons to be optimistic about the future.

A perfect example of this is the growing acceptance of polyamory.

Depending on who you ask, the current percentage of people engaged in open relationships in the United States is anywhere between 3 and 20 percent and maybe as much as one in five having at least an active interest.

Another good reason for poly people not to despair is the wide range of tools that have become available to manage and, best of all, enjoy open relationships…Because face it, maintaining a polyamorous life can be all kinds of complex and we all need as much help as we can get. More importantly, these tools also allow poly people to understand that having loving, open relationships is also about cataloging and respecting all kinds of critical details, some of which may even be potentially life threatening.

Here are some ideas poly folk can use to better manage their relationships.

Know Your Partners

Sadly, it is not something that comes up in polyamory how-to books but understanding, really understanding, the people you are involved with is tremendously important. Needs, wants, desires, fears, concerns, as well as hard/soft limits have always been at the core of maintaining poly relationships. Yet, understanding should also be pragmatic.

For example, when you put your partners’ info into your address book, you should also make notes of their medical needs, such a previous conditions and current medications.The reasoning here is that should something happen, you will have access to this information. You will be able to share it with doctors or emergency personnel.

Allergies, of course, should also be listed. This is for more than just emergencies. It can also help you plan and prepare meals accordingly. If your partner has a severe allergy, know where their medication is or even have some on hand at your place.

Make sure that your contact information also includes other partners they may have, doctors, friends and family.

As with kink, you should always hope for the best and plan for the worst.

Additionally, you should discuss with your partners whether they have any privacy concerns. It will save everyone involved a LOT of grief, for instance, knowing that you should never like or share their content on Facebook because their parents or employer are also there.

More than anything, do not trust your memory for these things. These days, there are all kinds of contact management systems to choose from. There is no excuse not to add in these important details.

Scheduling

Speaking of contact management, you will often hear poly people say, “Google Calendar is your friend.” Sure, there are other scheduling programs out there, but when it comes to keeping track of who you’re seeing and when, there is really not much that is better.

The best thing about Google Calendar is that you can create and share your schedule with anyone. This way, your partners can see when you might be free and when you’re busy. You can even create several personal calendars if you are nervous about mixing business and pleasure.

You can also link contacts directly to events. This means that you have your partner(s) important info right there instead of having to look it up in a separate program if you need it.

Even better, it is cross platform compatible. Whether your partners use iPhones or are into Android, you are good to go.

Messaging

Everyone seems to have their favorite form of messaging. That can be a major headache. Bob is on iMessage. Carol uses Google Hangouts. Ted is on Skype. Alice is on…Some platform no one ever uses.

While convincing all your partners to use the same communication platform might seem daunting, it is at least worth a shot. Personally, I tend to use Zoom or Skype since it handles files, pictures, voice and its own (Granted, not great) version of texts. It has the added benefit of, like Google Calendar, being compatible with every kind of phone and computer there is as well as being able to handle multiple chats at a time.

You also have to consider everyone’s communication style. Maybe Bob will always quickly respond unless he is asleep or driving, while Carol only checks her messages in the morning. Meanwhile, Ted only sends emojis, and Alice keeps losing her phone.

It is nearly impossible to get everyone to use the same style and timing of communication. The trick here is to know and recognize how your partners communicate and work with it, such as making notes as to how and when is the best way to reach them rather than forgetting their preferences and getting frustrated.

Reach Out and Really Touch Someone

Here is where things get really interesting. Poly, after all, is all about love, to be sure. However, there can also a great deal of sex involved. What if, for some reason, there are miles between you and your partners? Of course, there’s always sexting, dirty phone (or Skype) calls, or things like FaceTime, although they are never the same thing as physical contact.

Enter the wonderful world of internet connected SexTech. Once just the fevered dreams of nerds, there are now dozens of different companies selling all kinds of devices that will not just tickle whatever your particular fancy is and also connect with similar toys across town…Or around the world.

This gives you another great tool for your poly relationships: A way of having an intimate physical experience when you can not actually be together.

A bonus cool thing about SexTech is that many types also allow you to record things like vibration patterns, oscillations, and more and play them back on a similar device, meaning that you could create a sexual composition just for you and your partners to enjoy. Sure, it might be a proxy touch, but it is better than than no touch at all.

New Tools for New Kinds of Relationships

The last – and possibly the best – tool of them all…Something else that is far too often left out of poly books is that while there can be much love, sex and personal growth, having open relationships is also a lot of very hard work.
There are contacts and important information to juggle, schedules to maintain, positive as well as negative emotions to process, and unexpected ups and downs that will seemingly spring from out of nowhere.

Like I said, very hard work.

The tools discussed can definitely help, and may even get you through or even prevent unpleasant experiences. Yet, the fact is that when things do get challenging, poly people can often end up feeling alone. After all, in a world that is still predominantly monogamous, it can be difficult to find someone who knows what you are going through.

Enter this last tool, the same one I used to discover that 3 to 20 percent of people have at least tried nonmonogamy…The internet. When things get scary in your relationships, or the world itself, be sure to reach out for friends and support.

Poly, after all, is about opening yourself to love…Especially when you need it the most.

The post Managing Your Poly Relationships appeared first on Free the Kink.