The last several weeks we’ve been discussing the key point to the acronym BDSM, and some of the major points involved within those dynamics.  We will be discussing more on that as we move forward, but we’ll be switching gears this week discussing another umbrella term within the community, Polyamory.

Polyamory (poly) is a term meaning to share love for more than one person, but there’s a lot more to it when referring to poly based dynamics.  These dynamics involve partners who are involved with more than one partner, but you’ll find that these other relationships don’t always involve love or sex, and can be derived from other needs.  This week we’ll be discussing some of the basics surrounding poly dynamics, including:

– Common Terms

– Different Types of Poly Dynamics

– Parallel

– Kitchen Table Poly (KTP)

– Garden Party Poly (GPP)

– Households

– Fullfilling Needs

These are just a handful of topics involved with poly that will serve as an introduction for those who are new to the idea, and may even hold some new information for others in the community.  So let’s have a look at what we have here:

Common Terms – When it comes to poly dynamics, there are numerous terms that help folx in the community identify within a poly structure.  These are required because they can go from involving as little as 3 people, to several couples forming a ‘polycule’.  The term polycule is used to describe these structures that can often resemble a molecule if you mapped it out.  Some of the other common terms are:

– Primary Partner: As the name suggests, it’s the partner you consider your primary interest in the dynamic.

– Hinge Partner: The hinge is a person with two partners who typically don’t have much involvement or impact with each other, on being a primary and the other serving a different purpose.

– Metamour: This is the partner of your partner.

– Telemour: Out of all the terms, this won’t be used much in discussion as it refers to the partner of your metamour who isn’t involved in the relationship.

As you can already see, things can get complex in larger dynamics.

Different Types of Poly Dynamics – There are many different types of poly dynamics, and we’re going to continue with a brief description of the most common:

– Parallel: Parallel poly usually involves having multiple partners who have little or no contact with each other.

– Kitchen Table Poly (KTP): KTP is a form of poly where the metamours have contact with each other and are even friendly, like everyone being comfortable sitting at a table and having conversation.

– Garden Party Poly (GPP): GPP is a sort of middle ground between the first two described, and involves folx who don’t frequently interact with each other, but they’re comfortable meeting at parties and events.

– Households: This is how we’ll be referring to poly dynamics that run more along the lines of BDSM, and are often structured around discipline.  They tend to maintain a solid hierarchy among members of the household, and to be included a space must often be vacated.

Fulfilling Needs – This is something we’ll be bringing up quite often, as it is potentially one of the healthiest aspects of a poly dynamic.  This refers to a desire to see that the needs of your partner, even if you may not be able to fulfill those needs yourself.  A good example is if one partner needs BDSM to be a part of the relationship, but their partner just isn’t into it.  Rather than put themselves in an uncomfortable position, they agree that a play partner can fulfill those needs, and this doesn’t always mean sex.  More on that another time.

Again, these are just some of the basics to help familiarize you folx of what poly dynamic might look like, and we’ll be diving into greater depths in the coming weeks.  We’ll be continuing on with a more detailed look at parallel dynamics next week, before we get to the more complicated polycules.  I hope this information helps shed some light on poly dynamics, and we have a lot more to come.  Have a great week, have fun and play safe, folx.

The post Intro to Poly appeared first on Free the Kink.

“Insecurity in Kink and BDSM? Make it make sense!”

This Insecurity often emerges from both internal and external factors. For many, power exchange dynamics inherent in BDSM and kink can amplify existing insecurities or create new ones. When roles like Dominant, submissive, Top, or bottom are deeply intertwined with identity and self-worth, any perceived misalignment or dissatisfaction can feel personally threatening and triggering.

1.         Power Imbalance and Self-Worth:

In kink and BDSM relationships, especially those involving power exchange, a hierarchy can create unique insecurities. A submissive might worry about not meeting their Dominant’s expectations, while a Dominant may feel insecure about their ability to lead effectively. The disparity in perceived control or authority can make insecurities more pronounced.

2.         Polyamory and Jealousy:

Many kink relationships are also polyamorous or open, which introduces additional complications. Jealousy and fear of being replaced by another submissive or Dominant are common. In poly kink dynamics, navigating boundaries and managing multiple partners can evoke insecurities, especially if one partner perceives a difference in attention or affection.

3.         Body Image and Performance Anxiety:

For some, kink play involves physicality, nudity, and a heightened focus on performance. This can trigger insecurities related to body image, attractiveness, or performance anxiety; particularly in scenes that involve high physical stamina, aesthetic elements, or rituals around appearance.

4.         Stigma and Societal Judgment:

Kink relationships often face external stigmatization, misunderstanding, and judgement. This can create internalized shame or doubt. Participants may struggle with the legitimacy of their relationship or fear judgment from those outside the kink community. This external pressure can lead to personal insecurities, making it harder to fully embrace their roles.

“Where does the insecurity come from?!”

Recognizing where insecurities originate from is the first step toward managing them. Some common sources include:

            •          Unclear Communication: Misunderstandings or a lack of transparency about needs and desires can lead to feelings of inadequacy or confusion.

            •          Unresolved Past Trauma: Previous experiences of rejection, betrayal, or relationship trauma can resurface in new dynamics.

            •          Lack of Reassurance or Positive Feedback: In kink relationships, where roles can be more formalized, participants may struggle if they do not receive validation and appreciation for their efforts or contributions.

            •          Comparison with Others: Whether it’s comparing oneself to other submissives, Dominants, or even fictional depictions of kink relationships, this can create feelings of “not being enough.”

“How can we manage Insecurity?!”

Addressing insecurity requires consistent communication, emotional intelligence, and sometimes, outside support. Here are some effective strategies:

1.         Open, Honest Communication:

Establish a foundation of transparent dialogue where partners feel safe expressing their fears and concerns. Regular check-ins can help identify potential sources of insecurity before they become problematic. During these discussions, use “I” statements, such as, “I feel insecure when…” instead of accusatory language, to foster understanding.

2.         Set Clear Expectations and Roles:

Being explicit about the parameters of the relationship and what each person needs can reduce ambiguity and insecurity. For power exchange dynamics, this might involve a written contract or regular renegotiations of roles and responsibilities.

3.         Validation and Positive Reinforcement:

Both Dominants and submissives can benefit from regular affirmation. For Dominants, this might be praise for their leadership, while submissives might need praise and appreciation for their service or obedience. Make positive reinforcement a part of your relationship, whether it’s through words, rituals, or gestures.

4.         Explore Insecurity in a Kink-Positive Context:

Some people find it transformative to incorporate their insecurities into scenes, transforming them into a source of empowerment or catharsis. For example, humiliation play can be used to explore and diminish body image issues in a consensual, controlled way.

5.         Seek Support from the Community or Professionals:

The kink community often has support groups or resources specifically for navigating relationship dynamics. Alternatively, therapists with knowledge of kink and bdsm can provide a safe space to work through insecurities without fear of judgment.

6.         Practice Self-Reflection and Self-Care:

Engage in self-reflective practices like journaling, mindfulness, or self-care rituals. Understanding your own triggers and insecurities will make it easier to communicate them to your partner(s) and work through them together.

Bottom Line…

Insecurity in kink and BDSM is a natural and understandable experience that doesn’t have to undermine the connection. By acknowledging insecurities and addressing them honestly with empathy and open communication, partners can create a stronger, more resilient bond. Remember, it’s not about eliminating insecurity altogether but learning how to manage it constructively, ensuring that each partner feels safe, understood, valued, respected, and heard.

Thanks for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Navigating Insecurity in Kink and BDSM appeared first on Free the Kink.

While things look bleak right now for those who believe that everyone has a right to consensual sexual pleasure…To live free of hate and fear, to have access to sexual health services, and be able to define their own lives according to to their needs and desires, there are still many good reasons to be optimistic about the future.

A perfect example of this is the growing acceptance of polyamory.

Depending on who you ask, the current percentage of people engaged in open relationships in the United States is anywhere between 3 and 20 percent and maybe as much as one in five having at least an active interest.

Another good reason for poly people not to despair is the wide range of tools that have become available to manage and, best of all, enjoy open relationships…Because face it, maintaining a polyamorous life can be all kinds of complex and we all need as much help as we can get. More importantly, these tools also allow poly people to understand that having loving, open relationships is also about cataloging and respecting all kinds of critical details, some of which may even be potentially life threatening.

Here are some ideas poly folk can use to better manage their relationships.

Know Your Partners

Sadly, it is not something that comes up in polyamory how-to books but understanding, really understanding, the people you are involved with is tremendously important. Needs, wants, desires, fears, concerns, as well as hard/soft limits have always been at the core of maintaining poly relationships. Yet, understanding should also be pragmatic.

For example, when you put your partners’ info into your address book, you should also make notes of their medical needs, such a previous conditions and current medications.The reasoning here is that should something happen, you will have access to this information. You will be able to share it with doctors or emergency personnel.

Allergies, of course, should also be listed. This is for more than just emergencies. It can also help you plan and prepare meals accordingly. If your partner has a severe allergy, know where their medication is or even have some on hand at your place.

Make sure that your contact information also includes other partners they may have, doctors, friends and family.

As with kink, you should always hope for the best and plan for the worst.

Additionally, you should discuss with your partners whether they have any privacy concerns. It will save everyone involved a LOT of grief, for instance, knowing that you should never like or share their content on Facebook because their parents or employer are also there.

More than anything, do not trust your memory for these things. These days, there are all kinds of contact management systems to choose from. There is no excuse not to add in these important details.

Scheduling

Speaking of contact management, you will often hear poly people say, “Google Calendar is your friend.” Sure, there are other scheduling programs out there, but when it comes to keeping track of who you’re seeing and when, there is really not much that is better.

The best thing about Google Calendar is that you can create and share your schedule with anyone. This way, your partners can see when you might be free and when you’re busy. You can even create several personal calendars if you are nervous about mixing business and pleasure.

You can also link contacts directly to events. This means that you have your partner(s) important info right there instead of having to look it up in a separate program if you need it.

Even better, it is cross platform compatible. Whether your partners use iPhones or are into Android, you are good to go.

Messaging

Everyone seems to have their favorite form of messaging. That can be a major headache. Bob is on iMessage. Carol uses Google Hangouts. Ted is on Skype. Alice is on…Some platform no one ever uses.

While convincing all your partners to use the same communication platform might seem daunting, it is at least worth a shot. Personally, I tend to use Zoom or Skype since it handles files, pictures, voice and its own (Granted, not great) version of texts. It has the added benefit of, like Google Calendar, being compatible with every kind of phone and computer there is as well as being able to handle multiple chats at a time.

You also have to consider everyone’s communication style. Maybe Bob will always quickly respond unless he is asleep or driving, while Carol only checks her messages in the morning. Meanwhile, Ted only sends emojis, and Alice keeps losing her phone.

It is nearly impossible to get everyone to use the same style and timing of communication. The trick here is to know and recognize how your partners communicate and work with it, such as making notes as to how and when is the best way to reach them rather than forgetting their preferences and getting frustrated.

Reach Out and Really Touch Someone

Here is where things get really interesting. Poly, after all, is all about love, to be sure. However, there can also a great deal of sex involved. What if, for some reason, there are miles between you and your partners? Of course, there’s always sexting, dirty phone (or Skype) calls, or things like FaceTime, although they are never the same thing as physical contact.

Enter the wonderful world of internet connected SexTech. Once just the fevered dreams of nerds, there are now dozens of different companies selling all kinds of devices that will not just tickle whatever your particular fancy is and also connect with similar toys across town…Or around the world.

This gives you another great tool for your poly relationships: A way of having an intimate physical experience when you can not actually be together.

A bonus cool thing about SexTech is that many types also allow you to record things like vibration patterns, oscillations, and more and play them back on a similar device, meaning that you could create a sexual composition just for you and your partners to enjoy. Sure, it might be a proxy touch, but it is better than than no touch at all.

New Tools for New Kinds of Relationships

The last – and possibly the best – tool of them all…Something else that is far too often left out of poly books is that while there can be much love, sex and personal growth, having open relationships is also a lot of very hard work.
There are contacts and important information to juggle, schedules to maintain, positive as well as negative emotions to process, and unexpected ups and downs that will seemingly spring from out of nowhere.

Like I said, very hard work.

The tools discussed can definitely help, and may even get you through or even prevent unpleasant experiences. Yet, the fact is that when things do get challenging, poly people can often end up feeling alone. After all, in a world that is still predominantly monogamous, it can be difficult to find someone who knows what you are going through.

Enter this last tool, the same one I used to discover that 3 to 20 percent of people have at least tried nonmonogamy…The internet. When things get scary in your relationships, or the world itself, be sure to reach out for friends and support.

Poly, after all, is about opening yourself to love…Especially when you need it the most.

The post Managing Your Poly Relationships appeared first on Free the Kink.

Simply put, compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly.

For example, as I am writing this, my submissive/poly wife is getting ready for her first date with someone that she met online…And I honestly do not know who between the two of us is more excited.

So…In a sense, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.

While the road to feeling compersion can take time if you are new to non-monogamous dating, when it clicks, you will definitely feel it. Non-monogamy often comes down to having really incredible communication within your relationships…Setting awesome boundaries that you continue to talk about…And knowing one another’s limitations or triggers of jealousy…Not so that you can always avoid them per say but so you can handle your partners with love and care.

When you really find your niche in a non-monogamous relationship and realize what type of communication styles work best for you, that is when things really are able to thrive. Of course, seeing as were are but simple human beings, moments of jealousy still might come up but when you see your partner’s face glowing with excitement because of the date they just went on (Or in my case, the date that she is preparing for) you cannot help but to feel genuine happiness for them.

It is this feeling of confidence and of knowing that they are not trying to replace you or find someone “better.” The relationships are yours alone and your partner(s) having other lovers does not take away from that. In fact, you might just find that it shifts things in a new and exciting way.

The thing is, we are raised to see dating in a scarcity model. With our parents and elders using language like “She’s one of the good ones” or “Hold on to that one ‘cause he’s a keeper” or the popular, “You better find someone before all the good ones are taken”.

We are raised with this mindset that we have to find our “Better-half”, or our “Soulmate”…This paired with compulsory monogamy (The belief that we have to be a monogamous relationship for it to be considered real) makes for a dangerous combination that can introduce bitter jealousy and feelings of ownership over our partners.

Non-monogamy and people who are consciously monogamous (not out of compulsion) are breaking down this barrier. Whether you are monogamous or polyamorous, we all are going to have attractions to other people and while jealousy might be the primal gut feeling that comes up first, one would think, that more often than not, the root of the matter again comes from the model in which we were raised: To feel ownership over our partners.

However, when we learn to let go of that, we are able to realize there is no “threat” if you have solid communication with your lovers.

That is the feeling of compersion.

Which brings us to the million dollar, question…How exactly to you get to that point of confidence and comfortability in your relationships?

First of all…Let go of all your society-informed ideas about the way relationships should be. 

What we consume about relationships from the media (publications, movies, TV, books, etc) is usually pretty toxic. Society does a really incredible job at upholding relationships standards that are filled with persistence, non-consensual cheating, and complete and utter fulfilment from one person. These narratives played out in real life are often hurtful to us. Let go of them and feel a huge weight lift from your heart. Go about having relationships in a way that feels amazing for you (of course, consensually and through communication). Don’t follow anyone else’s script of what your relationships should look like.

Next, remember to keep the lines of communication open. Especially about jealousy. 
Talk about how you are feeling with your partners. When you start to feel jealous, welcome that energy in. Make your jealousy a cup of coffee…Talk with it and figure out the root of where it is coming from. Get comfortable in the feeling and know that jealousy is usually an unrooted fear that you need to pay attention to.

Also, ask your partners about their jealousy. Sometimes waiting for them to bring it up does not always work. Have regular check-ins where you talk about how you’re feeling. You might all be feeling incredible, or they might have something you all need to work through in the moment.

Allow the time and space to have those needed conversations.

Third, recognize that new relationship energy (NRE). 

That butterfly, tingly-all-over, warm-and-fuzzy, filled with love feeling that you get at the beginning of a new relationship? That is NRE. Sometimes witnessing partners feel that energy for someone else can be challenging. Just know that you also will have (or have had) those moments with new partners. Do not get swept away by the tides of your jealousy…Allow yourself to recognize that they are feeling NRE and remember what that feeling is like and how incredible it is. Hopefully, you will slowly start to feel compersion sneak up on you when you least expected it.

Fourth, meet your partners’ other partners.

Granted that this depends on your relationships but it can be seen as healthy for poly partnerships to meet their lover’s other partners. It helps put a face and personality to the people your partner has been telling you about. Unless established beforehand, there is no rule against meeting up for coffee with your metamour‘s in order to get to know them outside of the context of your shared partner(s). You do not have to be best buds, but having a relationship where you at least know one another can be healthy. It also can help sway some of those jealous feels to compersion.

And finally, it all comes back to…

Communication.

Talk all about it…And when you think you are done talking about it, dive in a little deeper.

That is the beauty of polyamory, not only do you get to know your deepest emotions and struggles better, but you also get to share them with your partners in a vulnerable and intimate way.

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