Heyyyy, y’all!!! In the world of BDSM and kink, events such as munches, play parties, workshops, and conventions provide a vital space for like-minded individuals to connect, learn, and explore their interests and desires. These gatherings are unique environments with their own set of social norms and expectations, often differing significantly from mainstream events. Understanding and adhering to the etiquette of these spaces is essential for creating a safe, respectful, and enjoyable experience for everyone involved. Let’s talk about Event Etiquette for a bit.

“What makes etiquette so important?” Etiquette in BDSM and kink events serves multiple purposes:

1. Etiquette fosters a safe and consensual environment, where participants can explore their interests without fear of judgment or harm.
2. Etiquette maintains the community’s reputation and helps newcomers feel welcome and supported.
3. Etiquette ensures that the event runs smoothly, respecting the boundaries and expectations of all attendees.

“What’s the Cornerstone of BDSM/kink Etiquette?” Consent is the foundational principle of all BDSM and kink activities. This extends to behavior at events. Whether you are attending a casual munch or a high-protocol play party, understanding and respecting consent is paramount. Some tips to remember are:

1. Always Ask Before Touching. In ANY BDSM/kink space, touching someone or their belongings without explicit permission is a serious breach of etiquette. This includes not only physical contact but also touching tools, toys, or equipment that belongs to others. Always ask before initiating any form of contact.
2. Negotiate Scenes Carefully. If you plan to engage in play at an event, thorough negotiation is crucial. Discuss boundaries, limits, safe words, and aftercare expectations beforehand. Even in casual settings, assumptions should never be made about what is acceptable.
3. Observe and Respect Boundaries. Everyone has different comfort levels, and it’s essential to recognize and respect these. This includes respecting the privacy of others, particularly when it comes to watching scenes. If someone indicates that they do not want to be observed, that boundary must be honored.

“How about socializing? What are the rules for that?” Social interactions in BDSM and kink events often differ from mainstream settings. Effective communication, honesty, trust, and mutual respect are key to ensuring positive experiences.

1. Introduce Yourself Appropriately. When meeting someone new, particularly a Dominant or anyone with a title, it’s important to be respectful. Use proper titles (e.g., Sir, Mistress) if applicable, and introduce yourself politely. If unsure, simply ask how they prefer to be addressed.
2. Avoid Making Assumptions. It’s easy to make assumptions based on appearances, roles, or dynamics, but this can lead to misunderstandings. Don’t assume someone’s role, preferences, or relationship status based on what you see. When in doubt, ask politely or refrain from commenting altogether.
3. Be Mindful of Public and Private Dynamics. Many BDSM and kink events occur in public or semi-public spaces, where different dynamics are at play. For instance, someone who is submissive in one context may not be in another. Respect the fluidity of roles and avoid imposing your own expectations on others.

“Okay, got it…be careful when socializing. But what about at Play Parties/Events?” Play parties are a common feature in the BDSM and kink community, offering a space for participants to engage in scenes and activities. These events typically have their own rules and guidelines, which must be strictly followed. Some of these are:

1. Follow the Dress Code. Many play parties have specific dress codes, ranging from casual to fetish wear. Adhering to the dress code shows respect for the event and its organizers.
2. Understand the Rules of the Space. Before participating in a play party, familiarize yourself with the rules. These can include guidelines on photography, alcohol consumption, and the types of activities allowed. Breaking the rules not only disrupts the event but can also lead to being asked to leave.
3. Respect Scene Space. When watching a scene, maintain a respectful distance and avoid interrupting or becoming a distraction. If a scene is particularly intense, it’s polite to give participants space and not intrude unless assistance is requested.
4. Discretion is Key. What happens at a play party stays at the play party! Respect the privacy of others by not discussing or sharing details of what you saw without explicit permission. EVERRRRR.

“Are newbs welcome, or should we expect pushback?” BDSM and kink events can be intimidating for newcomers. It’s important for seasoned participants to help create a welcoming environment.

1. Be Approachable and Friendly. Newcomers may feel nervous or out of place. Offering a warm welcome, answering questions, or simply being open to conversation can make a big difference in their experience.
2. Avoid Gatekeeping. Everyone’s journey in Our Thing is personal and unique. Avoid gatekeeping behavior that suggests there is a “right” or “wrong” way to be part of the community. Encourage learning and exploration instead.
3. Mentorship and Guidance. If you’re an experienced participant, consider offering mentorship or guidance to those who are new. This could involve explaining event etiquette, introducing them to others, or helping them navigate their first play party.

*BOTTOM LINE…Event Etiquette in Our Thing is about more than just following rules; it’s about fostering a culture of respect, consent, and inclusivity. By adhering to these social norms, participants help create spaces where everyone can explore their interests safely and enjoyably. Whether you’re a newcomer or a seasoned veteran, understanding and practicing proper etiquette ensures that BDSM and kink events remain vibrant, respectful, and supportive environments for all.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Sensibly Social: Etiquette in BDSM and Kink Events appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay, y’all. this girl always addresses the Four Pillars (Honesty, Trust, Respect and Communication, respectively), but now she will take some time to address them in greater detail. Ready? OKAY!

The late great Aretha Franklin sang her heart out about it. Even spelled it out. First up…RESPECT.
What IS respect? Well…the dictionary definition goes something like this:

re·spect

/rəˈspekt/

(noun)

1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
2. due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.

(verb)

admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

this girl was taught some basic essentials of BDSM and was given an assignment to connect the Four Pillars to them. Respect was the easiest for her.

*Don’t touch someone else’s property without permission — whether it is a toy or a person.
*Be tolerant of others
*Respect other people
*Respect other people’s relationships
*Respect other people’s sexuality
*Respect other people’s gender identification
*Be polite! Say “please” and “thank you” and apologize when you should.

The concept and act of Respect is pretty simple, right? Well not for everyone. The main reason why is because Respect means different things to different people and some consider respect more important than others.

Remember the couple in the beginning? Well…they missed a few of these.

It should also be repeated that Respect means different things to different people and some consider respect more important than others. There may even be some of you who disagree with the Essentials that were listed above. Different perspectives. But be mindful of the main point…Respect itself is essential.

What happens when Respect is damaged or lost altogether? Well…depending on the people involved, the environment and situation, in Our Thing it could result in Sanctions, Exile, dynamics ending, etc. That’s a lot. So obviously, disrespect is a costly gamble.

Take some time to assess how respectful you are. Take some time to reflect on how much Respect matters to you. Take some time to consider how you want folx to demonstrate their Respect for you. And do all of this as often as necessary.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Not Just An Iconic Song appeared first on Free the Kink.

*Disclaimer

Please remember that there is no guarantee that there will be a party after any event, or that you will be invited if there is. Some people are very generous in opening their homes to others, but never assume that you have an invitation unless you have specifically been invited. If someone says openly, “I’m having people over to my house, all of you are invited,” that constitutes an invitation. If you overhear someone saying, “Hey, Matthias is having people over later,” that does not. Furthermore, if you do overhear that comment, it is highly inappropriate to either ask the person on whom you have eavesdropped Matthias himself about it.

If you are meant to be invited, someone will let you know.

If you DO have an invitation, remember the rules of politeness that your parental unit, guardian or whomever hopefully taught you in grade school about birthday parties…

First and foremost, it ain’t your party. Meaning, that you may not invite others without the express prior permission of the host. If you were invited, it likely includes your constant companion, but it does not necessarily include the nice person who sat with you. If it seems to be a large gathering, you may ask the host if they can accompany you, but do so before you mention it to the potential plus one.

If the answer is no, accept it pleasantly and without comment. Unless you know without question that the person you are speaking to is also invited, do not mention it….Do not mention it within earshot of others, not because you are trying to keep things from anyone, but because it is quite rude.

Also remember the rest of the rules that your aforementioned parental unit, guardian and so forth hopefully taught you…You are in someone’s home, treat it respectfully. Thank them for the invitation. Behave in a way that is likely to get you invited back. If you do bring someone with you, you are responsible for their actions. If you are unsure of how to behave, watch those around you…Model your behavior after those whom you admire and you’re unlikely to go wrong.

If you are fairly new to the community, too, bear in mind that many in the community have had parties over the years, had open houses, have done their share already. They would almost certainly be glad to have new people open their homes as well. Do not feel as though you would be presumptuous by having a party of your own, though it it is often a good idea to sound it out to those who are active in the community. If you have never hosted a party yourself, do not complain when there are no parties available to suit you. If you think there should be parties, be the one who opens your home. Doing that a few times will make you appreciate the effort involved in doing so.

Personally, way back in the pre-pandemic days, when I took anyone new to a play party, I would inform them precisely what is expected and allowed, and what is not. I tell them that nudity is likely and that, while respectful admiration from a polite distance is fine, drooling like an animated wolf is not.

For the most part, complimenting the Top on their submissive is usually safe…And although this “should” go without saying, to paraphrase the Farmer’s commercial, “I know a thing or two, because I have seen a thing or two, one does not say, “Your sub has a great ass,”. Saying, “You have such a lovely submissive.” is by far more appropriate.

I make it clear that they are not to touch anything that does not belong to them, whether it is a thing or a person, without express permission. If you really want to look at those earrings in the light, ask the Top in the relationship if you may touch them, or get close enough for a good look. If the person is wearing the earrings is unaccompanied, ask them directly. If the answer is, “I’m sorry, my Master/Mistress doesn’t allow that,” accept the information courteously and go on.

Always remember…

JUST BECAUSE A PERSON IDENTIFIES AS A SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM, THEY ARE NOT YOUR SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM

It is inappropriate to expect anyone else to wait on you or defer to you in any way other than what normal courtesy demands. While you may be a Master, Mistress, Dom, Domme, King, Queen or whatever your proposed honorific you have, you are not master of all you survey. You will garner much more respect by behaving courteously and pleasantly to everyone, regardless of their gender or identification within the community. It is perfectly acceptable, however, to allow someone to get you something if they offer.

It is called a play party because you are likely to see people playing. By and large, those of us who play in public do so because we enjoy it. We are exhibitionists as well as voyeurs. If people are playing, you may watch. You may plop yourself down on the couch, in fact, and watch with laser focused attention, and not be considered rude. You will be considered rude if you interrupt the scene except in case of emergency (“Pardon me, the house is on fire…”) would be an appropriate moment to interrupt for example.

Do not talk to the people in the scene unless they speak to you first. Do not talk loudly to your companions. As a guide, behave as though you are watching a performance at a theater. It is appropriate to lean to the person sitting beside you and whisper something in his or her ear, but it is inappropriate to speak to the actors and/or disturb the performance.

If you need to leave the room, do so quietly and wait for a break in the action, if possible. If people seem to want privacy, if they’ve retreated to a private area, if they have closed a door, do not intrude. Sexual acts may or may not occur around you or in front of you. Before participating in them yourself with your partner, make sure you know what the house rules are.

There are usually separate areas at a party for socializing and for playing. Please respect those segregations…Do not engage in a full fledged conversation about who did what on the CW with your best friend in the play area while others are playing…Do not decide that the buffet table is precisely the right height for a spanking bench. If you are a newcomer, it is usually a nice courtesy to ask the host before using equipment. Smoking of cigarettes is usually allowed only outside at most parties. Check with the host if you are unsure, but be prepared for that response.

As you enter a community, too, bear in mind that many of the people around you may have known each other a long time, may have played together, and may have shared intimacies of which you are unaware. There are likely a number of relationship and power dynamics you don’t recognize that nonetheless exist. The people you meet may seem to you, as a newcomer, to be very physically intimate with each other, or very casual about physical contact or nudity, particularly when compared to vanilla groups. That is usually an inaccurate perception. Simply because while I might be welcome to hug that cute, scantly-clad little female submissive, never assume that you are…Because I have that person’s Master’s/Mistresses permission to see her new hood piercing does not mean you do, too. Perhaps I have her Master’s/Mistresses permission because I have known them for a period of time, perhaps I knew the submissive before the Master himself did, and perhaps that submissive is sometimes submissive to me as well. Simply because that person may hug me, do not assume that they are comfortable hugging you, too. Allow people to become comfortable around you, recognize that you are a newcomer in an existing community that already has a number of complicated relationships in place.

Once again, what you see at parties is a private matter among those who were there, as is the identity of others within the community. It is inappropriate to discuss the party in front of others who were not invited, it is inappropriate to disclose what you may know about those who either attended or hosted it. A trust in your ability to be confidential, to be discreet in terms of what you may see or hear or know will also go a long way towards your acceptance within a community.

If you are unsure what is appropriate at a party…Ask.

Ask the host of the party, ask someone whom you respect in the community, ask the person(s) involved. And ask before you commit the faux pas that gives you a reputation as a wannabe or an asshole or that bitch.

Reputations can be hard to shake. If you do something that you realize was inappropriate, adult up and apologize. The only apology which ever hurts one’s reputation is the one that was owed but not spoken or acknowledged.

The post What to Expect From a Play Party? appeared first on Free the Kink.

A Play Party is a social gathering of people with an interest in kink or BDSM that usually happens in a more private setting. Unlike Munches, the gathering will typically have kink activities going on. This may include everything from instructional guides to full-on scenes. Some Play Parties will have open invitations, but many are by invite only. One great way to find Play Parties is at Munches. Meeting people and allowing them to get to know you will be your best bet to get invited to one. Protocols for Play Parties can be and often times are very strict.

Play Party Protocols:

The following are typical Protocols that you will find at most Play Parties. This list is definitely not comprehensive but it’s a good start.

First, at Play Parties you will usually find what’s referred to as a Dungeon Monitor also known as a Dungeon Master or DM. These individuals have absolute final say in everything. Make no mistake, take heed to what they say or you’ll be out. Their job is to make sure the rules are followed. Remember in many places, our communities are tightly connected and a bad reputation can spread fast.

    1.    Never touch someone without explicit permission.
    2.   Never touch someone’s equipment or other personal items without permission.
    3.   Don’t forget your photo ID.
    4.    Never involve yourself in a scene in anyway without invitation.
    5.    Never walk in front of an active scene, through an active scene or disrupt an active scene for any reason.
    6.    Do not be overly loud, chatty or disruptive while scenes are going on in play areas.
    7.    Keep all play in the designated play areas.
    8.    Clean up after yourself. Not just play spaces, but your trash or mess as well. Remember the people that host these and those working the party are often times volunteers.
    9.    Always verify if nudity of any kind is allowed. Don’t assume.
     10.     “No” means “no” and in this situation, you’re not owed any explanations.
     11.    Please remember DMs have a lot going on. They can’t read your mind. Tell them if you need something. Just be respectful.
     12.    DMs are not there to hook you up with people to play with.
     13.    Space and time may be limited, so do not overstay or hog play equipment.
     14.    Please remember that in many circumstances alcohol cannot be present. If that’s the case DO NOT try and sneak it in.
     15.    Most parties have a “no picture” rule. Part of protecting that is the “no cell phone” rule. Unless otherwise instructed DO NOT take out your cell phone for any reason.
     16.    In the absence of a safe word “RED” is the default typically.
     17.    DMs will always side with safety, they don’t care you’ve done something a thousand times. Listen to them anyway.
    18.    Never walk away from a bound bottom. If you need to step away for any reason, you must get someone to watch them first.
    19.    Treat everyone with respect. Doms, Masters, subs, slaves, switches Tops, bottoms, etc.
   20.    If you break a rule, it’s your fault for not verifying the rules beforehand.
   21.    Always show respect to the host(s) by thanking them for the invitation.

There is usually a list of rules provided so make sure you have it and read it. Failure to do so may make this party, your last party.

Have you ever attended a play party? What was your experience like? Do you know of more protocols that might be important for others to know?

The post Let’s Go to a Play Party appeared first on Free the Kink.