When it comes to relationships, deciphering what you need versus what you want can feel like a tug of war between your inner toddler and your adult self. On one hand, you might think, “I need my partner to bring me breakfast in bed every Sunday.” But do you really need that? Or do you just want to feel pampered, which, let’s be honest, could also be achieved with a hot coffee and a compliment? Let’s break it down and add some humor to this journey of self discovery because nothing says “I’m learning about myself” like laughing along the way.

Needs (The Non Negotiable’s)

Let’s start with the essentials. Your needs in a relationship are the foundational elements that keep it from crumbling faster than a cookie under pressure. These are the things that, if missing, make the relationship unsustainable. Think of needs as the relationship equivalent to air, water, and Wi-Fi. You simply cannot function without them. And for many, needs may change over time as we learn more about ourselves. I know my needs have changed over the last 20 years.

Some common relationship needs might include

Trust (because who can handle a relationship built on paranoia? Not you.)

Respect (you’re not a doormat, so why let someone treat you like one?)

Communication (because guesswork is for guessing games, not love.)

Emotional support (having someone who’s got your back when you’re feeling like life’s punching bag.)

If any of these are consistently absent, it’s not just a “want” unfulfilled, it’s a deep need that’s being ignored. Without meeting these needs, your relationship will start to resemble a house built on sand, ready to collapse at the first sign of a storm. And when that house goes down, it’s not going to be pretty.

Wants (The Icing on the Cake)

Wants, on the other hand, are the nice to haves, the things that would make the relationship sparkle like a perfectly wrapped gift but without them, it won’t unravel. Think of wants as the Netflix subscription of your relationship, nice to have but not essential for survival.

Some wants might include

A partner who can cook like Gordon Ramsay. (Yes, please, but takeout exists.)

Weekend getaways to exotic destinations. (Wouldn’t hurt but your couch and Netflix can provide just as much relaxation.)

Someone who texts back within 0.3 seconds. (It’s nice for the ego, but they could just be doing real life stuff like driving or saving a kitten from a tree.)

Wants add flavor and excitement to the relationship, but here’s the kicker, you won’t always get what you want. And that’s okay. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “If I don’t get this, can I still be happy in this relationship?” If the answer is yes, then congratulations! You’ve identified a want.

Navigating the Not Getting What You Want Scenario

Now let’s dive into what happens when you don’t get what you want. In relationships, it’s like ordering a fancy meal and receiving a side salad instead. Disappointing? Sure. Worth ending things over? Probably not.
When faced with unmet wants, ask yourself,

Is this truly important? (Will the lack of breakfast in bed make or break my happiness?)

Can I compromise? (Maybe we settle for breakfast on the couch.)

Is it worth a conversation? (Some wants are worth communicating about if they affect your overall satisfaction, but don’t approach it like you’re starting a war over an unwashed dish.)

Relationships are about compromise. So, if your partner isn’t giving you every little thing you desire, it doesn’t mean they’re failing you. It just means you’re both humans, not relationship robots programmed to serve up perfection 24/7.

The Tricky Part, When Needs Aren’t Met

If your relationship isn’t meeting your core needs, then you’ve got a bigger issue on your hands than just missing out on your morning cappuccino. Needs are non negotiable, and if your partner consistently disregards them, it’s time to have a serious chat or reconsider if this relationship is serving your well being.

Here’s the key: never compromise on your needs. It’s like deciding to live without oxygen m, you can survive for a bit, but it won’t end well.

If you’re feeling unsupported, disrespected, or like communication is pulling teeth, it’s worth addressing head on. Don’t wait until you’re two years in, arguing about why they didn’t text you back when the root problem is something deeper. This is so important because you can share and communicate a need a million times but if your partner can’t handle it or won’t handle it, then it may be time to consider things further. Be clear, be direct and for the love of all things holy, be open to listening when your partner shares their needs, too. Some people would rather stick their head in the sand than deal with tough situations no matter what you do.

How to Decipher Needs vs. Wants

Here’s a little exercise for when you’re trying to determine if something is a need or a want:

Ask yourself: “If I don’t get this, can I function happily in this relationship?”
• If the answer is “no,” it’s probably a need.
• If the answer is “yes, but I’ll be a little cranky,” it’s likely a want.

Visualize the worst case scenario. Will not getting what you want lead to the relationship’s downfall, or will you both find a way to laugh about it later? If you can imagine the two of you chuckling over it down the road, it’s likely a want.

Be honest…

Sometimes we think something is a need because we’re upset in the moment. But if you take a deep breath and reflect, you might realize you can do without it (even if that “it” is your partner forgetting your birthday again).

You Can’t Always Get What You Want, But You Do Deserve What You Need

The Rolling Stones had it right, you can’t always get what you want. But in relationships, if you try sometimes, you find… you do get what you need. The trick is being honest with yourself, your partner, and learning to distinguish between the two.

Also it is really important to remember that our needs may change over time. This can lead to unfortunate situations but must be dealt with.

So next time you’re feeling unfulfilled, take a moment to ask yourself, “Is this something I need for my happiness and well being, or is it just a fleeting want?” With a little introspection and some humor along the way you can navigate the delicate balance between needs and wants like a pro. And hey, if all else fails, there’s always takeout.

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Welcome explorers of desire! Are you ready to take a dive deep into an essential yet often overlooked aspect of BDSM, mental health. Engaging in BDSM can be thrilling, transformative, and deeply fulfilling, but it also requires a keen awareness of emotional well being. Let’s explore how to balance the intoxicating pleasures of BDSM with maintaining a healthy mind, all while having a blast!

The Power of Play- Why BDSM Can Be Good for You

Let’s start with the positives. Did you know that BDSM can have a myriad of mental health benefits? From boosting self-esteem to enhancing emotional intimacy, the consensual power exchange in BDSM can be incredibly empowering.

Stress Relief and Endorphin Rush

Engaging in BDSM play can trigger the release of endorphins, those delightful chemicals that make you feel good. The physical activities, combined with the intense focus and presence required during scenes, can help you let go of everyday stresses and immerse yourself in the moment. It’s like a mini vacation for your brain!

Building Trust and Communication

BDSM requires impeccable communication and trust between partners. These skills are crucial not only for a satisfying scene but also for healthy relationships outside of play. The act of negotiating boundaries and discussing desires can foster a deeper emotional connection and mutual respect.

Exploring Identity and Empowerment

For many, BDSM is a way to explore different facets of their identity. Whether you’re a dominant, submissive, switch, or somewhere in between, understanding and embracing your desires can be incredibly empowering. It’s about owning who you are and what you want, and that confidence can spill over into other areas of your life.

Potential Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them

While BDSM can be immensely rewarding, it’s not without its challenges. Being aware of potential pitfalls and knowing how to navigate them is key to maintaining mental health and well being.

Sub Drop and Top Drop

After an intense scene, both submissives and Dominants can experience a phenomenon known as “drop.” sub drop or Top drop can manifest as feelings of sadness, lethargy, or emotional vulnerability. It’s a bit like the emotional hangover after a big night out.

How to Handle It: Ensure you have a solid aftercare plan in place. Aftercare isn’t just for submissives; Dominants need it too. This could include cuddling, talking, drinking water, or simply being present with each other. Check in with your partner and yourself in the days following a scene to process any lingering emotions.

Boundary Blurring

In the heat of the moment, it can be easy to push boundaries further than intended. While exploring limits can be exciting, it’s crucial to respect pre-negotiated boundaries to avoid emotional or physical harm.

How to Handle It: Always adhere to the established safe words and signals. Continuous communication during and after scenes is vital. If a boundary is unintentionally crossed, address it immediately with compassion and understanding.

Emotional Dependency

The intense dynamics of BDSM relationships can sometimes lead to emotional dependency, where one partner relies too heavily on the other for emotional support and validation.

How to Handle It: Maintain a balanced life. Cultivate friendships, hobbies, and interests. This helps ensure that your emotional well being isn’t solely tied to your BDSM experiences.

Self-Care and Mental Health

Nurturing Your Mind and Soul

Balancing pleasure and well being in BDSM is all about self-awareness and self-care. Here are some tips to keep your mental health in check while enjoying your kinky adventures.

Regular Self-Reflection

Take time to reflect on your experiences and how they make you feel. Journaling can be a powerful tool for processing emotions and understanding your needs and desires. Ask yourself questions like, “What did I enjoy about this scene?” or “How did I feel afterwards?”

Therapy and Support

If you’re struggling with emotions related to your BDSM activities, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Therapists who are knowledgeable about BDSM can provide valuable insights and support. Additionally, connecting with supportive communities, both online and offline, can help you feel less isolated and more understood.

Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques

Incorporate mindfulness and grounding techniques into your routine to stay connected with your emotions and reduce anxiety. Practices like meditation, deep breathing, or even a simple walk in nature can help you stay centered and present.

Balance and Moderation

As with any passion, moderation is key. Ensure that BDSM complements your life rather than dominates it. Balance your kinky pursuits with other fulfilling activities and relationships.

The Joy of Balanced Exploration

Engaging in BDSM can be a journey of immense joy, discovery, and personal growth. By prioritizing mental health and well being, you can ensure that your experiences are not only pleasurable but also sustainable and enriching.

Remember, it’s all about balance. Embrace the thrilling pleasures of BDSM while staying attuned to your mental and emotional needs. By doing so, you’ll create a fulfilling and harmonious path of exploration that nourishes both your body and soul. Happy exploring!

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Understanding Body Positivity in BDSM

Body positivity is about accepting and loving your body as it is, regardless of societal standards. In the context of BDSM, this means embracing your unique physicality and feeling confident in your kinky desires. It’s about recognizing that every body is beautiful and capable of experiencing pleasure.

Embrace Your Unique Beauty

– Celebrate Diversity

BDSM is a wonderfully diverse community that welcomes people of all shapes, sizes, ages, and abilities. Remember that there is no one “perfect” body type for enjoying BDSM. Celebrate your unique features and recognize that your body is capable of incredible pleasure and sensation.

– Affirmations and Self-Love

Start each day with positive affirmations. Look in the mirror and say, “I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I deserve to experience pleasure.” Self-love is a powerful tool in building body confidence. The more you affirm your worth, the more you’ll believe it.

Choose Inclusive Playwear and Gear

– Find the Right Fit

When it comes to BDSM playwear, finding pieces that fit well and make you feel fabulous is key. Choose items that make you feel sexy and empowered.

– Custom Gear

Consider investing in custom-made gear tailored to your measurements. Custom harnesses, corsets, and restraints can provide a perfect fit and enhance your confidence. Many artisans and retailers offer bespoke services to ensure you get exactly what you need.

Engage in Sensual Exploration

– Sensory Play

Sensory play can be an incredibly empowering way to connect with your body. Experiment with different textures, temperatures, and sensations. Use feathers, ice, massage oils, and wax to awaken your senses and appreciate your body’s responsiveness.

– Mirror Play

Incorporate mirrors into your play sessions. Watching yourself and your partner can be a deeply erotic and affirming experience. It allows you to see your body in action and appreciate its beauty in the moment of pleasure.

Create a Safe and Affirming Space

– Set the Mood

Creating an environment that makes you feel comfortable and celebrated is essential. Decorate your play space with items that make you feel good—soft lighting, sensual fabrics, and personal touches can transform your space into a sanctuary of self-love and pleasure.

– Communicate Boundaries and Desires

Open communication with your partner(s) is crucial. Share your body image concerns, desires, and boundaries. A supportive partner will affirm your beauty and worth, helping you feel more confident and relaxed during play.

Connect with the Community

– Join Body-Positive BDSM Groups

Find and join body positive BDSM groups and forums. These communities offer support, advice, and camaraderie. Sharing experiences and learning from others can be incredibly validating and empowering.

– Attend Workshops and Events

Many BDSM workshops and events focus on body positivity and self-acceptance. Attend these events to learn new skills, gain confidence, and connect with like-minded individuals who celebrate diversity and inclusivity.

Practice Aftercare and Self-Care

– Aftercare Rituals

Aftercare is a crucial part of any BDSM scene. Use this time to nurture your body and mind. Engage in activities that help you relax and feel cherished, such as cuddling, bathing, or simply talking about the experience.

-. Self-Care Routines

Incorporate self-care into your daily routine. This could be anything from taking time to moisturize your skin, enjoying a favorite hobby, or practicing mindfulness and meditation. Self-care reinforces your worth and helps maintain a positive body image.

Celebrate Your Kinky Self

Embracing BDSM and body positivity is a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and joy. Remember, you are beautiful, worthy, and deserving of pleasure just as you are. So, go ahead and revel in your body, your desires, and your kinky adventures. Celebrate every curve, every sensation, and every moment of joy. The world of BDSM is yours to explore—embrace it with all the passion and confidence you possess.

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Lube is super important addition to all types of play, it can help prevent friction burn and prolong fun. But there are so many! How do you choose?Hopefully this will help next time you’re searching for that perfect one.

Water Based: 

Positive features

1. Condom safe 

2. Easy clean up 

3. Doesn’t stain 

4. Has a light, natural feel

5. Wide variety of types, flavors and scents

6. Typically good for oral, vaginal and anal

Negative features 

1. It absorbs quickly, so you have to continually reapply

2. It can have a sticky texture

3. It’s not water proof 

Silicone Based:

Positive features 

1. Long lasting 

2. Silky feeling, not sticky

3. Waterproof 

4. Condom safe 

5. Typically good for oral, vaginal and anal.

6. Doesn’t typically affect ph balance 

Negative features 

1. Hard to clean up 

2. Stains 

3. Cannot use on silicone or cyber skin toys

Oil Based 

Positive features 

1. Long lasting 

2. Great for fisting 

3. Good for anal

Negative features 

1. Not compatible with latex condoms 

2. Not good for many toys, as it can erode certain materials. 

3. Not recommended for vaginal use as it can lead to infection. 

4. Messy and hard to clean. 

Hybrid Lubricant 

Positive features 

1. As slippery as silicone

2. Waterproof 

3. Long lasting 

4. Latex friendly 

Negative features 

1. Not safe for silicone toys 

2. Not many options available 

Sterile Lubricants 

Positive features 

1. Safe for use with sounds, penis plugs and princes wands. 

2. Can be used with metal plugs and dildos

3. Kills germs 

4. Doesn’t harbor bacteria 

5. Doesn’t stain and is easy to clean. 

Negative features 

1. Absorbs quickly, so will need to constantly reapply

2. Not waterproof

Still having a hard time choosing well here is a little guide to help you:

Electro Sex – try a specialised electro sex gel. It has a higher salt content than standard lubricants for increased conductivity.

Vaginal Fisting – a silicone based or hybrid lubricant is a must.

Anal Fisting – an oil or silicone based lubricant will enhance your fisting fun.

Urethral Sounding – sterile water based lubricant is essential in this kind of play.

Vaginal Sex – water and silicone based lubricants will provide optimum glide and maximum pleasure for your playtime.

Anal Sex – we recommend a silicone or oil based lubricant, but remember not to use oil based formulas with condoms.

Oral Sex – water based is the best option for oral pleasure.

Masturbation – hybrid, water and silicone based are all great choices for your solo fun.

Sex Toys – water based is a safe bet for toys. Silicone based is also an option, but only if toys are not made from silicone or cyberskin.

Have fun and stay kinky

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