Heyyy, y’all! BDSM and Kink can be a fun and exciting way to explore your sexuality, but safety should always be a top priority. Please allow this girl to share a few essential safety tips for Our Thing to ensure a safe, enjoyable and transformative experience for all everyone involved.

*Communicate and Negotiate

Before engaging in any activity, communicate your desires, boundaries, and limits with your partner(s). Negotiate what you are comfortable with and speak up if that changes.

*Use Safety Words

A safety word is a predetermined word or signal that indicates when to stop the scene immediately. Choose a word that is easy to remember and not easily confused with other words. Keep in mind that for several folx a safe word isn’t necessary. Mind ya business and focus on YOUR own thing instead.

*Know Your Limits

It’s absolutely crucial that we are aware of our physical and emotional limits and don’t push ourselves beyond what we can handle. If you’re new to BDSM, try to start slowly and gradually increase intensity. And be completely honest about this with your partner(s), please.

*Use Protective Gear

Use protective gear such as condoms, gloves, and mouth guards to prevent injury and transmission of fluids until or unless you are fluid bound.

*Monitor Your Body

Pay attention to your body’s response before, during and after the scene and stop if you experience any discomfort or undesired pain.

*Aftercare

It’s important to remember that some folx do not need Aftercare. This is initially discussed during Vetting. For those who need it, after activities, engage in aftercare to ensure both partners are physically and emotionally comfortable. This may include cuddling, hydration, and discussion. Negotiate and plan out the specific type of Aftercare you need. This will help to avoid drop.

*Research and Education

Listen, y’all…we must continuously research and educate ourselves on BDSM techniques, safety, and best practices to ensure we safely learn and grow.

*Scene Planning

Plan your scene in advance, considering factors such as time, location, and equipment to name a few. Some of us have even taken time to write everything out in advance for review, negotiation, and troubleshooting.

*Emergency Preparedness

Have a plan in place for emergencies, including first aid kits and a phone nearby. Distress signals and check ins help mitigate this.

Bottom line…Remember, safety is everyone’s responsibility in the BDSM community. Prioritize Communication, Respect, Honesty, and Trust to create a positive and fulfilling experience each time.

this girl appreciates your valuable time.

~ His Duchess

The post Safety is the Subject appeared first on Free the Kink.

Heyyy, y’all! submissives are typically seen as giving, self-sacrificing, and wholeheartedly dedicated to the needs and desires of their Dominant. Hear this girl out, though. The concept of a submissive being selfish at times can be not only beneficial but also crucial to a submissive’s health and the sustainability of our relationships. This may sound contrary to everything we know about submissiveness. A well-balanced approach to selfishness can strengthen the bond between Dominant and submissive, ensuring that everyone’s needs are met.

“Wtf, Regina?! Who wants a submissive who focuses on themselves???” Well…let’s just take a few minutes to talk about how that works.

Self-Care is a thing…even in OUR Thing

A submissive who never prioritizes their own needs can quickly become mentally, emotionally or physically drained. By being occasionally selfish—whether that means taking time for themselves, setting boundaries, or expressing personal needs—a submissive ensures that they can continue to invest in the relationship/dynamic in a healthy, sustainable way. Self-care allows a submissive to recharge and maintain emotional balance, which is critical for our well-being. A submissive who constantly sacrifices without regard for their own needs risks burnout, resentment, and even the breakdown of the relationship/dynamic. Selfishness in this context isn’t about neglecting the Dominant; it ensures the submissive is in a good emotional and physical space. When a submissive takes time to nurture themselves, we are better equipped to fulfill the desires and expectations of our Dominant.

Encouraging Honest Communication

Being selfish at times can encourage better communication between both partners. If a submissive is feeling overwhelmed or neglected, it is important that they communicate those feelings clearly rather than suppress them out of a desire to be “perfect.” Open and honest communication allows the Dominant to understand the submissive’s needs and prevents misunderstandings that could otherwise build over time. By advocating for themselves, submissives help to create an atmosphere where both partners are heard, understood, and respected. A submissive’s ability to express when they need something—whether it’s space, attention, or clarity—cultivates trust in the relationship. It allows everyone to address issues before they become serious problems, ensuring that everyone is satisfied and content.

Empowering and Encouraging a submissive

While submissives are often viewed as passive or secondary, there is importance in their role. This shift in perspective can help avoid a situation where the relationship/dynamic becomes stagnant. Dominants who understand and appreciate their submissive’s self-advocacy can better meet to their needs, making the power exchange richer and more fulfilling. A submissive’s assertiveness is determined by their Dominants. Moments of selfishness can be an empowering experience, helping submissives recognize and embrace that our role is not solely about giving to others outside of our relationship/dynamic. It helps us to say NO to things that don’t help US serve our Dominants.

Preventing Resentment and Neglect

No matter how devoted a submissive may be, human beings have needs that must be met. If those needs go unaddressed for too long, it can lead to feelings of resentment, which can ultimately harm the relationship/dynamic. Occasional selfishness ensures that the submissive is taking care of their needs, which prevents bitterness from creeping into the dynamic. Vetting and negotiation are critical times for this to take place. When submissives take the time to ensure their own needs are met, they are also helping their Dominant. After all, a submissive who is emotionally fulfilled is more capable of serving and submitting in a healthy, loving way. Neglecting oneself out of fear of appearing selfish can backfire, leading to deeper issues that could compromise the relationship/dynamic.

Healthy Boundaries

submissives who understand and clearly communicate their limits help establish a framework in which they can flourish. Dominants are attuned to their partner’s cues, leading to greater intimacy and satisfaction.

Bottom line…the occasional act of selfishness by the submissive is not only necessary and acceptable, it can be highly beneficial. It encourages self-care, honest communication, and personal growth, all while helping to maintain and improve our submission. When everyone feels respected and fulfilled, the relationship/dynamic becomes more sustainable and enriching. Selfishness, guided by our Dominant and in moderation, ensures that the submissive’s needs are met, which only enhances their ability to submit fully and wholeheartedly.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Selfishness and submission appeared first on Free the Kink.

She smiled as she thought of him. She straightened herself up as she dialed. Two rings later, she saw the smile she spent a lot of time wiping off his face in various CONSENSUALLY decadent ways. “Hello there! You look fantastic as always! Hope everyone is doing well! I’m in between meetings but I’m looking forward to being of assistance!” She smiled even bigger. “Splendid. Let’s do this!”

*The following is a conversation between this girl and one of her toys in an effort to help everyone understand the male submissive perspective.

Q: Tell us a little about yourself.
A: “Okay. Georgia born, raised in Richmond, VA. Retired Army Officer and entrepreneur. Happily married to and in service to an amazing Goddess. Four children, seven Grandchildren. Three dogs. And former toy of Regina. As a male submissive, I’ve often found myself navigating a complex web of societal expectations and personal desires.”

Q: What are your thoughts about vulnerability regarding male subs?

A: “Right to it, I see! Society often equates masculinity with dominance and control. This makes things more challenging for men to embrace vulnerability. However, in BDSM, vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. As a toy, I’ve learned to surrender control, trusting you and my wife to safely guide me through experiences that push my boundaries.”

Q: And what about Power Exchange?
A: “Well…The power dynamic in BDSM relationships is often misunderstood! As a submissive, I don’t relinquish all control; instead, I choose to trust others with my well-being. This power exchange creates a sense of security, allowing me to explore my desires without fear of judgment.”

Q: And what about Communication and Trust?

A: “Well, hell…Effective communication is crucial in BDSM! I’ve learned to express my desires, limits, and fears openly, creating a foundation of trust. This trust allows us to navigate complex scenes and activities, knowing we’re both on the same page.”

Q: What are your thoughts on Intimacy and Connection?
A: “BDSM has taught me that intimacy extends far beyond physical touch! The emotional connection I share is built on mutual trust, respect, and vulnerability. Together we create a unique bond, fostering a deeper understanding of each other’s desires and needs. And that deepens connection and makes intimacy more meaningful.”

Q: You have said that you learned a LOT about yourself through this journey. Such as?
A: “My journey as a male submissive has been one of self-discovery. I’ve learned to embrace my desires, even when they challenge societal norms! After all…I was expected to be a hard ass, hard charging, tough but fair leader in the Army. BDSM has given me a platform to explore my identity, creativity, and intimacy in ways I never thought possible! I am empathetic AND empowered!”

Q: You ROCK! I know you’re pressed for time. Any last words?
A: Grazie, Regina! Well, I’ll end this with saying that BDSM from a male submissive perspective has given me a unique lens on power exchange, vulnerability, and intimacy. By embracing our desires and vulnerabilities, we can create deep connections and explore new horizons. And, as my grandson says, haters will hate. But I am forever grateful that I embraced the life and ignored the negativity! So glad you’re doing this for us, Regina!”

Q: Okay…now that we’ve touched on the basics…you already know what most folx want to hear about! Care to share some of the good stuff?
A: “Of course they do! Okay, let’s go there! Shall I wax poetic about the first time? Or the time I was struggling with it all and you and Domina Lucia went full primal on me?”

Q: Dealer’s choice.
A: Well…The time had come. After the endless talking, reading, studying, I felt ready! I really wasn’t, though. The excitement, thoughts, emotions, sensations were almost overwhelming. I distinctly recall your voice. Barely heard you. You were very soothing as you blindfolded me. You were scary calm as you commanded me to undress. I was a little shocked and embarrassed that I wasn’t hard. But I WAS excited! You reassured me that was temporary lol. I remember thinking about how cold the room was. As if reading my mind you informed me that you set the room temperature on purpose, and I would thank you later. And I totally did lol. I was frustrated about how much TALKING you were doing! I was ready for some ACTION! Lick your boots, crawl around barking, hop like a bunny, give you a massage, ANYTHING BUT MORE TALKING!”

Q: Even blindfolded, saw it all over your face. You understand why now, correct?
A: “Yes! You were monitoring me. Asking questions, making sure I was there with YOU, and not off in my head. Making sure I was aware of where I was and what was happening to me.”

Q: Did you appreciate the restraint?
A: “Oh YES! I loved the mental as much as the physical. It was exhilarating and agonizing at the same time!”

Q: How about after?
A: “The intimacy following the session was spectacular. Sensual, safe, and FUN! Learning that aftercare is necessary for me was crucial! I have also learned that it is not necessary for everyone.”

Q: What’s your most important advice regarding your brother subs?
A: “Protect yourself out here! Vetting is key! And guard yourself on social media!!! Don’t join a space and lose your mind trying to get attention. The scammers will flock to you while the actual Doms will run from you. Manage your frenzy. Your submission is strength! Anyone who thinks you’re less than because of your path can eff off! Leave that in!”

Q: Final question: What was the defining moment for you?
A: “Chastity! I learned how small and powerful I am! 30 years later and I still get locked up at HER leisure and I totally live for it!”

R: It was soooo good to reminisce with you, BRIAN. Geez, it STILL feels a little off not calling you toy or addressing you by your rank or title! lol! Thank you for sharing a little bit of your experience with us!
B: “It’s a pleasure. Back to life now. Arrividerci, Regina!”

Well…if you lasted this long… Thank you.

The post “A Conversation.” appeared first on Free the Kink.

~ Valkyrie

Okay, y’all…let’s talk about it! Masochism, the deriving of pleasure from physical or emotional pain, is a complex and often misunderstood aspect of BDSM.

1.  Understanding Masochism

Masochism is not a pathological condition. Masochism is a legitimate sexual preference. Individuals who identify as masochists derive pleasure from experiencing pain, humiliation, or discomfort in a safety controlled and consensual environment.

2.  Masochism in BDSM

In BDSM, Masochism can manifest in various ways, including physical pain, emotional humiliation, or psychological discomfort. We masochists may enjoy the sensation of pain, the endorphin rush, or the emotional release that comes with experiencing pain in a safely controlled and consensual environment.

3.  Importance of Consent and Communication 

Consent and communication are essential in any BDSM interactions, especially when it comes to Masochism. Partners must discuss their desires, boundaries, and limits, ensuring that all activities are consensual and safe. Otherwise it will potentially do more harm than good. So, TALK, WRITE, WATCH SOCIAL MEDIA VIDEOS about it. Do the deep dive back to the beginning. When you do the work, you get the results.

4.  Safety Considerations

Safety is critical in BDSM relationships involving masochism. Everyone must take steps to ensure physical and emotional safety, including using safe words (if needed), establishing boundaries, constant check ins to monitor safety as well as headspace.and being aware of potential risks.

5.  Finally…

Masochism is a complex and multifaceted aspect of BDSM. By understanding and respecting individual desires and boundaries, partners can create/cultivate an a safe and consensual environment for exploration and pleasure. Remember, BDSM is built on trust, respect, honesty, and communication – ALL OF WHICH ARE ESSENTIAL TO BDSM.

The post A Look At Masochism appeared first on Free the Kink.

Heyyyy, y’all!!! In the world of BDSM and kink, events such as munches, play parties, workshops, and conventions provide a vital space for like-minded individuals to connect, learn, and explore their interests and desires. These gatherings are unique environments with their own set of social norms and expectations, often differing significantly from mainstream events. Understanding and adhering to the etiquette of these spaces is essential for creating a safe, respectful, and enjoyable experience for everyone involved. Let’s talk about Event Etiquette for a bit.

“What makes etiquette so important?” Etiquette in BDSM and kink events serves multiple purposes:

1. Etiquette fosters a safe and consensual environment, where participants can explore their interests without fear of judgment or harm.
2. Etiquette maintains the community’s reputation and helps newcomers feel welcome and supported.
3. Etiquette ensures that the event runs smoothly, respecting the boundaries and expectations of all attendees.

“What’s the Cornerstone of BDSM/kink Etiquette?” Consent is the foundational principle of all BDSM and kink activities. This extends to behavior at events. Whether you are attending a casual munch or a high-protocol play party, understanding and respecting consent is paramount. Some tips to remember are:

1. Always Ask Before Touching. In ANY BDSM/kink space, touching someone or their belongings without explicit permission is a serious breach of etiquette. This includes not only physical contact but also touching tools, toys, or equipment that belongs to others. Always ask before initiating any form of contact.
2. Negotiate Scenes Carefully. If you plan to engage in play at an event, thorough negotiation is crucial. Discuss boundaries, limits, safe words, and aftercare expectations beforehand. Even in casual settings, assumptions should never be made about what is acceptable.
3. Observe and Respect Boundaries. Everyone has different comfort levels, and it’s essential to recognize and respect these. This includes respecting the privacy of others, particularly when it comes to watching scenes. If someone indicates that they do not want to be observed, that boundary must be honored.

“How about socializing? What are the rules for that?” Social interactions in BDSM and kink events often differ from mainstream settings. Effective communication, honesty, trust, and mutual respect are key to ensuring positive experiences.

1. Introduce Yourself Appropriately. When meeting someone new, particularly a Dominant or anyone with a title, it’s important to be respectful. Use proper titles (e.g., Sir, Mistress) if applicable, and introduce yourself politely. If unsure, simply ask how they prefer to be addressed.
2. Avoid Making Assumptions. It’s easy to make assumptions based on appearances, roles, or dynamics, but this can lead to misunderstandings. Don’t assume someone’s role, preferences, or relationship status based on what you see. When in doubt, ask politely or refrain from commenting altogether.
3. Be Mindful of Public and Private Dynamics. Many BDSM and kink events occur in public or semi-public spaces, where different dynamics are at play. For instance, someone who is submissive in one context may not be in another. Respect the fluidity of roles and avoid imposing your own expectations on others.

“Okay, got it…be careful when socializing. But what about at Play Parties/Events?” Play parties are a common feature in the BDSM and kink community, offering a space for participants to engage in scenes and activities. These events typically have their own rules and guidelines, which must be strictly followed. Some of these are:

1. Follow the Dress Code. Many play parties have specific dress codes, ranging from casual to fetish wear. Adhering to the dress code shows respect for the event and its organizers.
2. Understand the Rules of the Space. Before participating in a play party, familiarize yourself with the rules. These can include guidelines on photography, alcohol consumption, and the types of activities allowed. Breaking the rules not only disrupts the event but can also lead to being asked to leave.
3. Respect Scene Space. When watching a scene, maintain a respectful distance and avoid interrupting or becoming a distraction. If a scene is particularly intense, it’s polite to give participants space and not intrude unless assistance is requested.
4. Discretion is Key. What happens at a play party stays at the play party! Respect the privacy of others by not discussing or sharing details of what you saw without explicit permission. EVERRRRR.

“Are newbs welcome, or should we expect pushback?” BDSM and kink events can be intimidating for newcomers. It’s important for seasoned participants to help create a welcoming environment.

1. Be Approachable and Friendly. Newcomers may feel nervous or out of place. Offering a warm welcome, answering questions, or simply being open to conversation can make a big difference in their experience.
2. Avoid Gatekeeping. Everyone’s journey in Our Thing is personal and unique. Avoid gatekeeping behavior that suggests there is a “right” or “wrong” way to be part of the community. Encourage learning and exploration instead.
3. Mentorship and Guidance. If you’re an experienced participant, consider offering mentorship or guidance to those who are new. This could involve explaining event etiquette, introducing them to others, or helping them navigate their first play party.

*BOTTOM LINE…Event Etiquette in Our Thing is about more than just following rules; it’s about fostering a culture of respect, consent, and inclusivity. By adhering to these social norms, participants help create spaces where everyone can explore their interests safely and enjoyably. Whether you’re a newcomer or a seasoned veteran, understanding and practicing proper etiquette ensures that BDSM and kink events remain vibrant, respectful, and supportive environments for all.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Sensibly Social: Etiquette in BDSM and Kink Events appeared first on Free the Kink.

Heyyy, y’all!!! When it comes to Our Thing, Time Management is not just a practical consideration; it’s an essential skill that affects the quality of both play and the dynamic(s). Whether you’re a Dominant, submissive, or switch, effectively managing time ensures that scenes are handled safely, consent is respected, and the dynamic remains fulfilling for everyone involved. Here’s a breakdown for y’all.

“Why tf is Time Management in BDSM important?” Well…Time is a critical element in BDSM for several reasons:

1. Safety. Many BDSM activities require careful attention to the timing of actions. For instance, bondage or breath play must be timed precisely to ensure the safety and well-being of the submissive.
2. Psychological Flow. A well-timed scene allows for a gradual build-up of intensity, leading to a more intense psychological experience for both sides of the slash. Rushing can break the mood, while dragging things out too long can lead to discomfort or disengagement.
3. Life Balance. For those who engage in BDSM as part of their lifestyle, balancing scenes, daily responsibilities, and personal time requires considerate, careful planning.

“Okay, cool! How do we set the stage?” Before we engage in any BDSM activity, it’s critical to have a pre-scene discussion. During the conversation, be sure to is cover:

1. Duration. How long the scene is expected to last. Everyone involved agrees on a tentative timeframe, keeping in mind the physical and emotional stamina required.
2. Timing of Activities. Map out the sequence of activities and their durations. For example, how long should the warm-up last? When does the peak intensity of the scene occur? This helps in maintaining the desired flow.
3. Check-Ins. Decide on specific intervals for check-ins, especially during intense play. This ensures that the submissive’s well-being is continuously monitored.
4. Life Constraints. Consider the timing within the context of your overall schedule. If you have commitments early the next morning, planning a scene that allows adequate recovery time is essential.

“It’s GO TIME! How do we stay in the scene?” Once the scene begins, time management is about maintaining the balance between following the plan and being flexible by doing the following:

1. Minding the Clock. Without letting it control your thoughts, keeping an eye on the time ensures that you stay within the agreed-upon limits.
2. Use of Safewords and/or Signals. These play a vital role in managing time. If a bottom/submissive uses a safeword or signal, the Top/Dominant must assess the situation, potentially adjusting the timing or intensity of the scene.
3. Adjustments. Be ready to alter the scene’s pacing based on real-time feedback. If the bottom/submissive is struggling or the energy feels off, it might be necessary to speed up or slow down.

“Okay, it’s over. Now what?” Well, Time Management doesn’t stop when the scene ends, y’all. For those who need it, Aftercare is an integral part of the BDSM experience, providing physical and emotional support as everyone decompresses following the scene. Some tips are:

1. Aftercare Timing. Plan for adequate aftercare. Some individuals may need none at all or a few minutes, while others might require an hour or more to fully decompress. Rushing this process can lead to emotional fallout.
2. Reflection. Set aside time for everyone to reflect on the scene. Discuss what worked, what didn’t, and how time was managed. This feedback loop is crucial for improving future sessions.

“My life is CRAZY busy! How do we make time for a QUALITY session?” For many of us, BDSM is a part of life rather than a specific timeframe. Here are some strategies for managing time in a way that allows BDSM to coexist with daily responsibilities:

1. Scheduling. Treat BDSM activities like any other important appointment. Scheduling scenes or training sessions in advance ensures that they fit within the broader context of life’s demands.
2. Prioritization. Understand that not every BDSM activity needs to be time-intensive. Shorter, more frequent sessions can be just as fulfilling as longer ones, y’all.
3. Communication. Regularly communicate with your partner(s) about everyone’s time constraints and needs. This ensures that all of you remain on the same page and can plan accordingly.
4. Flexibility. Life is everyone’s TRUE Master lol. While it’s important to plan, it’s equally critical to remain flexible. Sometimes, postponing a scene might be necessary to ensure that it can be fully enjoyed without distractions or stress.

“Yeah, okay I hear you! But…Why is timing so important in BDSM?”

Y’all…Time Management in BDSM is about more than just negotiating, creating, and keeping a schedule. It’s about creating a rhythm that enhances the Power Exchange and deepens the connection between partners. Whether you’re planning an elaborate scene or integrating BDSM into your daily life, mastering the art of Time Management will lead to more fulfilling and safer experiences for ALL of us.

Remember, the goal is not to control time rigidly but to flow with it, allowing Our Thing to flourish within the context of our lives.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post TICK TOCK! Time Management in BDSM appeared first on Free the Kink.

Heyyy, y’all!!! Let’s break down what happened here. Before the session began, the toy soldier gave explicit prior permission to continue. Consent is a cornerstone of BDSM; ensuring all parties interact willingly and enthusiastically. However, consent goes beyond a simple “yes”, “no”, or “okay.” In BDSM, various types of consent exist, each serving a unique purpose.

Types of Consent:

1. Informed Consent: Partners understand the activities, risks, and boundaries involved.
2. Enthusiastic Consent: Ongoing, active, and voluntary agreement, demonstrated through verbal cues and body language.
3. Specific Consent: Explicit agreement for particular activities or scenes.
4. Blanket Consent: General agreement for a partner to take charge, with implicit trust and understanding.
5. Meta-Consent: Ongoing discussion and agreement on the parameters of consent itself.
6. Safe Word Consent: Establishing a clear signal to stop or pause activities.
7. Negotiated Consent: Collaborative discussion and agreement on boundaries and desires.

We must understand the nuances of Consent at all times. Here’s a summary:

*Context Matters! Consider the power dynamics, cultural differences, life experience, upbringing, emotional state, and experience level of all parties involved.

*Consent is Ongoing! Regularly check-in and reconfirm consent throughout the relationship or scene.

*Consent can be withdrawn! Recognize that consent is revocable at any time, without penalty or judgment. Safe words, signals, et cetera.

*Communication is Key! Encourage open dialogue, active listening, and empathy. Be specific during negotiation.

In BDSM, Consent is a multifaceted and critical concept. When we recognize and respect the different types of Consent, partners can create a safe, trusting, and fulfilling environment for exploration and expression. Remember, consent is an ongoing process that requires continuous communication, empathy, and understanding.

Thanks for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post The “C” Word: Discovering Consent appeared first on Free the Kink.

1. Who the hell said that BDSM is a race or competition??? We see it every day…someone posts a photo/video/etc and the comments are littered with “I’m not as experienced as you guys!” or someone on that condescending, superior, arrogant type crap. Knock it off. We all have unique experiences and journeys. The phrase “Everyone is different” is a FACT. ACCEPT IT. Instead of trying to keep up with, copy, imitate, follow, obsess over, criticize, judge, shame, etc. someone else’s progress, we seriously need to focus on ourselves.
2. Y’all know that BDSM isn’t all about sex, right? Asking because whenever Our Thing is mentioned in some conversations things get sexual QUICKLY. Well, there are aspects of Our Thing that are not about penetration at all, y’all. It’s also more involved than what we may see in porn. There is a lot of mental gymnastics involved through Trust, Communication, Honesty and Respect. So try to remember that not every person involved in BDSM is into being tied up during sex, y’all.
3. Y’all know that there are STRAIGHT male submissives, right? So stop assuming shit because someone could assume things about you too because of what you’re into. No need to go further into this one.
4. Y’all know that there are MANY ways to be Poly, right? Ask questions, do some research, TALK ABOUT IT. Figure out where or how you fit. And if you aren’t about that life, speak up LOUDLY so everyone can hear you and keep moving forward on your journey. Be true to yourself first.
5. Y’all know ENTHUSIASTIC consent is critical, right? If there is an ambiguous response to a question or request, STOP. Make sure that everyone involved understands the difference between CONSENT and COERCION in the very beginning. It’s one of this girl’s Vetting Questions.
6. Y’all know you don’t have to attend a million events to be part of the Community, right? Of course it would be super cool to be able to travel and meet every living legend, author, expert, sexy smart person, etc. in the flesh or have some kinky fun with an icon, right? But then the bills come and bring us back to reality lol. After all…Our Thing can get expensive already without travel expenses, hotel stays, entry fees, etc in the mix. Budget for it. Attend when and if you can actually afford it. There are several online. And most major events are scheduled WAY in advance so you have months to plan for it if you want to attend.

That concludes THIS Reality Check. There will be more. Thanks for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post “Reality Check!” appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay, y’all. this girl always addresses the Four Pillars (Honesty, Trust, Respect and Communication, respectively), but now she will take some time to address them in greater detail. Ready? OKAY!

The late great Aretha Franklin sang her heart out about it. Even spelled it out. First up…RESPECT.
What IS respect? Well…the dictionary definition goes something like this:

re·spect

/rəˈspekt/

(noun)

1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
2. due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.

(verb)

admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

this girl was taught some basic essentials of BDSM and was given an assignment to connect the Four Pillars to them. Respect was the easiest for her.

*Don’t touch someone else’s property without permission — whether it is a toy or a person.
*Be tolerant of others
*Respect other people
*Respect other people’s relationships
*Respect other people’s sexuality
*Respect other people’s gender identification
*Be polite! Say “please” and “thank you” and apologize when you should.

The concept and act of Respect is pretty simple, right? Well not for everyone. The main reason why is because Respect means different things to different people and some consider respect more important than others.

Remember the couple in the beginning? Well…they missed a few of these.

It should also be repeated that Respect means different things to different people and some consider respect more important than others. There may even be some of you who disagree with the Essentials that were listed above. Different perspectives. But be mindful of the main point…Respect itself is essential.

What happens when Respect is damaged or lost altogether? Well…depending on the people involved, the environment and situation, in Our Thing it could result in Sanctions, Exile, dynamics ending, etc. That’s a lot. So obviously, disrespect is a costly gamble.

Take some time to assess how respectful you are. Take some time to reflect on how much Respect matters to you. Take some time to consider how you want folx to demonstrate their Respect for you. And do all of this as often as necessary.

Thank you for reading.

~ His Duchess

The post Not Just An Iconic Song appeared first on Free the Kink.

BDSM is like an ocean…with depths no one has even reached, yet alone explored yet. So we’re swimming along and then BOOM…we join a BDSM/Kink Community online. And we love it! So many smart, funny, sexy, bold people!!! We are so excited we just want to dive in and start doing all manner of wild and fun shit! Yet that in no way means we shouldn’t exercise restraint (figuratively, in this instance lol). And while some may think a bunch of “look how domly I am” memes, “I wish I was owned” posts will get someone’s attention, they’re absolutely right. It will. But NOT always like they hoped. Because being thirsty, aggressive, arrogant and/argumentative isn’t sexy or appealing to everyone, y’all. You want someone to notice you? Be authentic. Respectful. Engaging. Funny. Confident. And of course, well hydrated lol.

Never forget that there are also sharks there as well, swimming alongside us. Bloodthirsty, aggressive as hell, not letting us continue to swim forward. Why not? Because they are hungry and will not be denied. Well fishies, what should we do about the sharks in the water? There are a few reasons why there are so many sharks in the ocean. There is plenty of food. The environment is very friendly and inviting for them. They like it where they are and they aren’t in a hurry to move. And that can make life in a vast ocean seem small, dangerous and hopeless at times.

Thirst and desperation are ruining the true nature of BDSM. Too many folks are on Social Media begging for dom/mes and subs. And a lot of them are not even working towards being worthy.

Education, patience, self control and commitment are critical.

Frequent Self Reflection is an important part of growth during the journey.

Ask yourself…

1. How did I become intrigued by BDSM?
2. How does it enhance my life?
3. How can I enhance someone else’s life?
4. What do I need to do to be worthy of someone’s dominance/submission?
5. Where/how do I begin?
6. What mistakes have I made/learned from so far?

Self Reflection will also help you identify if you are a regular fish or a shark yourself. And Self Reflection, Self Assessment and Self Regulation are not things that we do once then stop. It’s like Medication prescribed for long periods of time…you don’t stop taking it just because you feel better. You may observe that your perspective about things changes over time. Growth is a beautiful thing. But growth doesn’t just protect us from predators; it can prepare us for them. We’ll start to notice their patterns. What their preferences are. When we can discern how, when, where and who they target we can avoid a potentially disastrous outcome.

For instance…that seemingly harmless or well intentioned post/comment could create a feeding frenzy. Being mindful of what we say and do is critical. Is their response well intentioned or predatory? And no…not implying we can or should try to read people’s minds. this girl is talking about discernment. Being cautious and aware.

Take some time to focus. Figure out which direction you need to go and get going.

Bottom line…we may not be able to avoid sharks because after all this is their habitat, too. But we CAN become more comfortable and confident about swimming along with them while not becoming shark food.

Be safe out there, y’all. And for all the sharks out there…prepare to miss a few meals because of less opportunities. Okay, bye.

~ His Duchess

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